I did have boundaries...at first

[JNChell]

As I’ve explained before, my ex before this ex was an abuser as well. Even though she would get physical, it was my now ex that actually broke me. My now ex hit me one time near the end, but I was just numb to it. Anyway, after the previous ex I got into therapy, working out, healthful eating and trying to educate myself. I went about a year without pursuing women other than a couple hookups with a trusted ex right after the end with the previous ex. I did in fact learn a little about boundaries and how to enforce them, but still ended up failing. The first boundary I tried to enforce, and I’ll admit, test, was simply saying “no” to something. I was working nights at the time and our dinner break was at 8:45. She was driving a school bus during the day and cleaning banks at night and would come and meet me at work every night during my dinner break. Well, eventually I started to want that time to actually eat instead of sitting her van. She was clearly wanting every second of my time that she could get. It went as far as her asking me through text what I was doing one day before work. I let her know that I was at Subway grabbing some food for work. She asked which one I was at and if she could come and see me, only if just for few minutes. This felt a little off, but I took it as flattery and agreed. Anyway, one night before dinner break she text me about seeing me and I told her that I just wanted to eat by myself and that I would see her the next day between her bus route. That didn’t go over well. She was immediately angry. I basically got the “Fine! You obviously don’t want to see me” comment. I tried to reassure her that that wasn’t the case. That I was really into her and that I did like spending time with her, but I got the “whatever (my name)” and then silent treatment. I, in fact, did recognize that as a  . It was very early on, so I paid little attention to it. Shame on me.

The other early boundary was when I would help her clean the banks at night on my weekends off. This would last until 1-2 in the morning. At first I saw it as an opportunity for us to have more time to get to know each other. Our own unique way of being able to date. I viewed it as romantic in my own little way. Eventually this became tiresome. I was working 55-60 hours a week on nights and started to just want some time to myself to basically chill out. I tried to explain this to her, but her reaction was about the same as with the other scenario that I described. It wasn’t long after that that job “ended” for her. She said it had something to do with her then step dad. Her family is a whole other story for a different thread. Regardless, reflection tells me that she lied about it and that she quit because I stopped going along with her.

Two times I tried to set subtle boundaries, and I got a negative reaction. She became pregnant only after 4 months of being together. There were no boundaries after that. I completely engulfed myself in the relationship thinking I was doing the right thing. It’s such a catch 22. If I had left her when I rightfully should have which, in hindsight, was after our first date, I wouldn’t be sitting next to our sleeping S3 at 5:49 a.m. on a Sunday. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone. At the same time I’m embattled with the thought of wishing I had never met his Mother. I know these thoughts aren’t healthy, but I can’t help having them right now. I know the only healthy way is forward and I’m slowly trying to navigate that. Just venting this morning. I’m finding great comfort in the little, snoring fella sleeping next to me. I hope everyone is having a nice weekend.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey JNChell,

I’m not sure where you are at in your healing, so advance apologies if I’m not getting where you are at right now.

I just felt like speaking to something I personally wish I saw then, with 20/20 hindsight, that I saw in your story... .

Anyway, one night before dinner break she text me about seeing me and I told her that I just wanted to eat by myself and that I would see her the next day between her bus route. That didn’t go over well. She was immediately angry. I basically got the “Fine! You obviously don’t want to see me” comment. I tried to reassure her that that wasn’t the case. That I was really into her and that I did like spending time with her, but I got the “whatever (my name)” and then silent treatment. I, in fact, did recognize that as a  Red Flag

Soo... .in processing and reviewing my own breakup, I at some point decided to shift focus on my behavior.  What am i doing that attracts this guy to me? What am I subconsciously doing that makes this dynamic we have, sustainable for 6 years?

So here is what I see in your story.  Something I also did quite a lot.
It is in bold.  It looks to me that while you did set a boundary, you did not leave her to be responsible for her own feelings about it.  You tried to “make it better.”

Looking back, I now see that when there was a riff between us, I also wanted to make things right and back to where they were.  Now though, I can see how this would be very attractive to a less emotionally mature partner.  (And possibly enabling dysfunctional dynammics)

When I look at my current relationships, I notice this holds true.  My friends that are great tend to be able to handle my boundaries without overpersonalizing it.  I do not need to then repair their ego states to ensure they are not offended by me trying to do what is best for me. Their emotions are THEIR responsibility = GOOD boundaries

So just pointing this out because I notice a big difference between folks who are detaching, and focusing on “what their partner did wrong,” vs ones who focus on, “what can I change so I am not subconsciously inviting or participating in dysfunctional dynamics.”

[JNChell]

Sunflower, wow! I never looked at it like that. I was basically enabling the behavior by trying to soothe her ego. I told her everything about me by that action alone, didn’t I? I’m ashamed to admit that I am still blaming her a bit. I know I need to shift my focus, but I still feel deeply betrayed by her. I opened up to her about everything. She knows what I’ve been through. Instead of leaving me alone, she used my deepest, darkest vulnerabilities against me in an awful manner. I may be preaching to the choir, but I am having trouble getting past that.

[Sunfl0wer]

Lol, I have been reading/learning here a while now.  Learning boundaries takes time, imo.  I revisit the task of learning about boundaries regularly.  It applies to all my relationships, so is worth it to keep learning.

I told her everything about me by that action alone, didn’t I?

Well... .
I’m thinking... .
She has emotional regulation issues... .yup, you are looking mighty attractive to “fix” her emotional state.

she used my deepest, darkest vulnerabilities against me in an awful manner. I may be preaching to the choir, but I am having trouble getting past that.

I personally feel this is a matter of perspective.  I tend to not think in terms of “someone used me” unless I sense they are behaving machiavellian.  Maybe she was, idk.  Yet, much of the dynamics that play out in these relationships are happening on a subconscious level.  :)oes it help to blame?

So, way I see it is that RA (radical acceptance) also applies to how we decide to judge or not judge a situation.
Way I see it is... .
We can call YOU controlling.  That you used HER vulnerabilities to entice her, to become dependent on you, so that you could get your fantasy infant needs met of feeling connected to another person on a primal level.  Likely feeling greater security and comfort for having the rescuer role.
Or... .
We can call HER manipulative, that she was aware and knowing how to play you.  She assumed a victim role to force you into the rescuer one to save her from her sad feelings.
(Read on Karman’s Drama triangle if this seems foreign to you)

Imo, both perspectives are somewhat irrelevant.

I personally believe that we are often repeating attachment issues from our childhood in intimate relationships.  “We,” meaning both partners usually are acting in subconscious ways to reenact early childhood shiz.

Personally... . it was my job in my FOO to prove my value, and be invisible/without needs.  Therefore, I easily can choose a narrative about this relationship in where I am the martyr.  Yet, would that help my own healing?  Maybe, but only to a certain point and imo, it wouldn’t take me far enough... .or not to my potential.

I prefer a narrative that does not judge him or myself for playing out subconscious desires.  I prefer to observe, and accept that without fault, we all may do this to an extent.

If I create a narrative that we are equal players/participants in our relationship, then it helps me take responsibility for where I participated in sustaining a dysfunctional relationship.  I deeply WANT to accept I participated, because I see no other way to ensure I do not participate in such crap in my future intimacy.

Idk, I have this current way of seeing it.  I’m sure other perspectives are also valid, interesting, worthy, etc.  Just sharing my for this moment.

[EdR]

I would like to share my own POV on boundaries with you. In any normal relationship (be it romantic, parental, friendship whatever) boundaries are quite important and are a 2-way thing so to speak. On the one hand you define and protect some specific part of your individuality, of what makes you YOU. On the other hand it gives the other the possibility to learn more about you and how to treat you better. In a normal r/s this is reciprocal; the other person has its own boundaries as well.

I really think it is very different for a pwBPD or pwBPD traits.

The boundaries YOU set up are there for the same reason as before. But the pwBPD does not use those boundaries to learn more about you or treat you better. They are more often than not OFFENDED/HURT/EMOTIONALLY DYSREGULATED by those boundaries. They interpret those boundaries as some kind of trigger for their fear of abandonment.
On the other hand, they do NOT have a clear sense of self. Thus they are quite horrendous in communicating their own boundaries. The boundaries they seem to have are changing, and determined by their emotions.

Imho the entire 'boundaries' thing is not a way to save your r/s with a pwBPD. It is a way to protect yourself. And when the r/s fails: The stronger the boundary, the less likely they will be to recycle you.

Those are just my 2 cents. But it might give you a somewhat different perspective on boundaries.