A story of connection, and maybe hope

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife has been in a rage the last few days, so I listened to my favorite song on my way to work today to soothe my spirit. I always get very choked up when I listen to it, because it makes me think of my mother (who I've recently realized most likely also had BPD or something similar).  

My mother was very loving but also had horrible rages that made it very hard for me to be close to her in the end, almost impossible. We would constantly fight when I got to be in my late teens and early 20's, and I'm sure my relationship with her affected my ability to be with others. But we shared music. My grandparents ran a music school, and my mother sang and played the piano. (I only sing, but the gene is there.) My first memory of her is her singing a lullaby for me that she made up, one that I now sing to my children sometimes.

Even when things were at the worst with my mother in the last few years before she died of cancer, we could always connect through music. I would share songs like the one I listened to today, and she would love it. She really admired my taste. Now I think sharing music was my last try for that relationship, to have some connection with her that could transcend the pain and anger.

Listening to the song now gives me an incredible sense of context in terms of how far I have come. Now I am a husband and a parent myself, and I feel that I have moved leagues away from that angry, emotionally broken young man. And I am working very hard to build a relationship with someone I love who is very much like her, but now I have the strength, maturity, and courage to do it, or at least try. And it makes me believe that there is hope for the relationships with my other family members that have been broken, due both to my own problems and my wife's BPD.  

Here is the song for anyone who is interested to hear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR2TqWDqO_w

[RolandOfEld]

My wife has been in a rage the last few days, so I listened to my favorite song on my way to work today to soothe my spirit. I always get very choked up when I listen to it, because it makes me think of my mother (who I've recently realized most likely also had BPD or something similar).  

My mother was very loving but also had horrible rages that made it very hard for me to be close to her in the end, almost impossible. We would constantly fight when I got to be in my late teens and early 20's, and I'm sure my relationship with her affected my ability to be with others. But we shared music. My grandparents ran a music school, and my mother sang and played the piano. (I only sing, but the gene is there.) My first memory of her is her singing a lullaby for me that she made up, one that I now sing to my children sometimes.

Even when things were at the worst with my mother in the last few years before she died of cancer, we could always connect through music. I would share songs like the one I listened to today, and she would love it. She really admired my taste. Now I think sharing music was my last try for that relationship, to have some connection with her that could transcend the pain and anger.

Listening to the song now gives me an incredible sense of context in terms of how far I have come. Now I am a husband and a parent myself, and I feel that I have moved leagues away from that angry, emotionally broken young man. And I am working very hard to build a relationship with someone I love who is very much like her, but now I have the strength, maturity, and courage to do it, or at least try. And it makes me believe that there is hope for the relationships with my other family members that have been broken, due both to my own problems and my wife's BPD.  

Here is the song for anyone who is interested to hear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR2TqWDqO_w

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I can't watch the video because my work computer blocks almost everything on youtube   but I'm glad that you are able to find comfort in music. I have a few songs that when it's really bad I listen to and it reminds me that it's only temporary and that it will get better, even if it doesn't seem like it.

Have you ever spent any time on the Parent, Sibling, Inlaw board to talk about your experiences with your mom? 

[isilme]

Not quite the same, but I like Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle". 

"Hey-
Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

Hey-
You know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own so don't buy in
Live right now
Just be yourself
It doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else"

I go spend time on the Parent, Sibling, Inlaw board - it helps me work through a lot of my feelings, and helps validate how I feel about the way I was "raised".  I came to this board partly for the romantic relationship, but also because about 2010 I found I was holding onto a LOT of unacknowledged rage about my sad upbringing.  I saw that the overt abuse, beating, yelling, and overall crazy behavior was wrong, but it also let me see that just as damaging to me was the neglect that came - smother and ignore, be quiet till we want you. 

[once removed]

hi RolandOfEld,

i lost my dad recently, and our primary connection was music too. i got my taste from him, he taught me to play the drums, he supported my band, and the spread of his love of music became what connected me, and him, with my closest friends.

music makes for deep connections and beautiful memories. i hope that you take comfort in that, and continue to honor it and share it.

it also has so many associations, and i can easily see how listening and reflecting would give you a sense of how far you have come, and that strength, maturity, and courage to fight for the love you believe in so strongly.

we are pulling for you.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Tattered Heart, no I haven't really been on the parent board but that's an excellent idea for giving me more context on my current situation.

isilme great song by itself but the lyrics also seem like they're talking about being with someone with BPD. Thank you. The more we understand what was "wrong" in our childhoods the stronger our sense of who we are becomes. We need to validate ourselves when the people who were supposed to didn't. Thank you.

once removed I'm sorry to hear about your loss and thank you for the beautiful sentiments about music.