The most intense and volatile relationship I have ever been in

[Maxpax2011]

I was with someone who I believe is BPD, all the symptoms line up, and she may have narcissistic tendencies as well as histrionic symptoms, judging by all the research I have done.

We were together on and off for 2 years. It was the most intense and volatile relationship I have ever been in, and I will say, she was the only woman I ever truly fell in love with, and I had a previous marriage and a previous 7 year relationship before her. She was so beautiful, so sensual, so smart, and we could talk for hours. We connected on such a deep level I actually thought she was the one.

She had a daughter who I was very close to. I have children myself from a previous marriage and we were a blended family. The first few months were amazing, she was like the perfect woman. In the beginning there were mood swings, and little tantrums or arguments, but I just chalked it up as she was a over emotional woman. Then the verbal abuse started, the mood swings became more severe, the arguments more intense, the controlling behavior, the gas lighting, the manipulation, things she would say to me about her past would be contradictory to her behavior.

Her daughters Father warned me about her behavior as well as her Mother. Our relationship had small break ups of a few days to a few weeks, then the first big break up was after a year when she accused me of cheating. We broke up for 4 months. In that time she started seeing someone else, that lasted about two months, then she dated another guy one time, and called me shortly after to try again. We started again, and the relationship never went back to the way it was in the beginning no matter how hard we tried.

Finally after another year of on and off again, and the make up/break cycle, I finally decided I needed to leave. I had a dog who I kept in the crate most of the time I stayed at her house, and on a Monday all we did was fight. That Tuesday morning, I got up for work and my dog was whining in the crate, she yelled at me to shut the dog up and when I let him out I got so angry from all the stress and tension, I hit my dog. I was crushed, I love my dog, he is like my son, he was with me through so many tough times, and I let my anger get the better of me and I hit him, I was so devastated. I knew then I had to leave.

So I texted her from work said I needed some time to think, and she raged beyond belief, called me every name in the book. I went to the house got my dog and went home, told her I would be back for the rest of my stuff. I left my printer, some clothes, furniture etc. When I tried to go back and get my stuff she wouldn't allow me in the house, and would not give my stuff back. So I moved on. short time later she contacted me and wanted to be friends, so I tried that, only to learn later she was just triangulating me as they call it, rubbing all the men she was dating in my face, how happy she was, and how I ruined us, and it was all my fault.

One night out of the blue she called me drunk and wanted to fool around, but I never went over, we had phone sex, and the next morning she acted like nothing happened. At that point I wanted to try one last time, I missed her and her daughter so much, I loved her deeply but she kept playing the jealousy game, and kept keeping me at a distance. Then two weeks later she announced on her Facebook she was in a relationship with some guy she met on Plenty o Fish. She went out of her way to flaunt how happy she was with him, and posted pics of him with her daughter to show me that I was completely replaced. They spent Christmas together, she literally rubbed in my face.

I talked to her one last time to say goodbye and try and get some closure, but she just kept talking in circles, and told me how wonderful he was and how he was what she was missing all her life. She said if I truly loved her I never would have left. I wished her the best then went on my way.

On New Years Eve, the new boyfriend contacted me on Facebook through a fake profile as I have them both blocked, and he proceeded to tell me how much she loved his !@#$. I blocked it and just moved on. I don't know if she put him up to it or if he felt like I was a threat, either way it was the final nail in the coffin for any positive feelings I had for her. Since then she has been telling people I am stalking her and that I am obsessed with her. I avoid driving by where she works, and avoid the places she usually goes to. From what I gather about the new guy is that he is just as volatile as she is, he is a heavy drinker, immature and he is a bully. I heard through people in town that all they do is go out drinking every week. So I just avoid it all together.

I still have feelings for her, I miss her daughter, I knew if I left I would never see the daughter again, but I had to get myself out of that toxic environment. I still think about her everyday. I started counseling to hopefully ease the pain, but it doesn't seem to get any easier. Everyone tells me that I will hear from her again, even my counselor. I am afraid of what she could do if I reject her or do not respond if she does in fact reach out to me. It is hard to understand that I fell in love with someone who was not real, it was all an illusion.

I know I am better off, but the ache for her is still there. I don't know how to make it go away. She treated me so horribly during the relationship, and after the break up. I feel that maybe something inside her did in fact love me, because we were so passionate together, I never felt such an intimate connection with any woman, ever!. Will she come back? I have no idea, would I reject her, hell yes! I just want the pain to stop, I just want to stop thinking about her.

[Harley Quinn]

 

I still have feelings for her, I miss her daughter, I knew if I left I would never see the daughter again, but I had to get myself out of that toxic environment. I still think about her everyday. I started counseling to hopefully ease the pain, but it doesn't seem to get any easier.

Welcome Maxpax2011.  It's good that you found us.  I'm so sorry to hear about your pain and missing her daughter in your life too.  That's got to be really tough.  How long has it been since the split?  It sounds as though you may have mutual friends or are able to see her social media to know what she is saying and doing.  My advice would be that during this difficult time whilst you grieve the loss of the r/s it would be a good idea to try to block out awareness of her activities if at all possible.  It is worth asking others not to fill you in on details as it can keep reopening the wound. 

It's great that you're seeking support through counselling and posting here.  How long have you had the counsellor now?  If it's early days, it can take a little time to find your flow and begin to feel things ease, so hang in there.  Building a support network right now is going to be really helpful as you work through detaching and healing.

I am afraid of what she could do if I reject her or do not respond if she does in fact reach out to me. It is hard to understand that I fell in love with someone who was not real, it was all an illusion. I know I am better off, but the ache for her is still there.

What do you fear she might do?  Have there ever been any threatening type behaviours or any indication of something she may have done in the past if she was rejected?   

It has taken real strength to remove yourself from what you describe as a toxic situation as you have.  Recognising that things were taking their toll on you and acting on that was a wise decision that's difficult to have to make.  Even though you made the decision to leave, it doesn't make it any less painful, because you were driven to leave or else would have stayed.  I was in the same position with my ex and it's hard to process.  Keep reading and posting here as it has helped so many of us to have others who truly empathise with the deep and often mixed emotions that we experience in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  Some have likened it to coming off a drug and the science actually supports that.  You'll also find that there are a whole host of helpful articles here, some especially relevant ones to this board being on the right hand side of your screen.  Also take a look at the lessons beneath these, which offer some guidance and can help you to establish your progress as you heal. 

The path to recovery can be a winding one, and we'll be with you along the way.  It does get better, so stay strong and continue to reach out. 

Love and light x       

[Maxpax2011]

Welcome Maxpax2011.  It's good that you found us.  I'm so sorry to hear about your pain and missing her daughter in your life too.  That's got to be really tough.  How long has it been since the split?  It sounds as though you may have mutual friends or are able to see her social media to know what she is saying and doing.  My advice would be that during this difficult time whilst you grieve the loss of the r/s it would be a good idea to try to block out awareness of her activities if at all possible.  It is worth asking others not to fill you in on details as it can keep reopening the wound. 

It's great that you're seeking support through counselling and posting here.  How long have you had the counsellor now?  If it's early days, it can take a little time to find your flow and begin to feel things ease, so hang in there.  Building a support network right now is going to be really helpful as you work through detaching and healing.
 

What do you fear she might do?  Have there ever been any threatening type behaviours or any indication of something she may have done in the past if she was rejected?   

It has taken real strength to remove yourself from what you describe as a toxic situation as you have.  Recognising that things were taking their toll on you and acting on that was a wise decision that's difficult to have to make.  Even though you made the decision to leave, it doesn't make it any less painful, because you were driven to leave or else would have stayed.  I was in the same position with my ex and it's hard to process.  Keep reading and posting here as it has helped so many of us to have others who truly empathise with the deep and often mixed emotions that we experience in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  Some have likened it to coming off a drug and the science actually supports that.  You'll also find that there are a whole host of helpful articles here, some especially relevant ones to this board being on the right hand side of your screen.  Also take a look at the lessons beneath these, which offer some guidance and can help you to establish your progress as you heal. 

The path to recovery can be a winding one, and we'll be with you along the way.  It does get better, so stay strong and continue to reach out. 

Love and light x       

I've been split up for four months. Started counseling last week. I've been in no contact mode for a month. I deactivated my Facebook. Been off there for almost a month. Friends just keep a look out for any posts that could be slanderous towards me. I have a government job with a security clearance so last thing I want to worry about are false allegations or slander. I don't know what she could do. I had an ex-wife who falsely accused me of child abuse so anything is possible. I'm ready for anything. Towards the end she got violent, that's when I knew it was time to leave. Just judging by her volatile behavior since the break up Makes me wonder what she is capable of. Like I said I've been there with false accusations and restraining order krap. We live in the same town. And I hear from friends in town that she still talks about me and tells her boyfriend I am stalking her. So obviously I am still on her mind. Worried about running into to her or them together. He's an immature drunk, so I know how those Guys are. Nothing would surprise me at this point.

[Harley Quinn]

Sorry to hear that you've had experience of false allegations in the past.  That's got to have been really tough for you. 

Towards the end she got violent, that's when I knew it was time to leave. Just judging by her volatile behavior since the break up Makes me wonder what she is capable of.

These are certainly valid concerns.  The end of a violent r/s is potentially the most difficult time in terms of risk.  What can you do/are you doing to protect yourself from risk?  Was the violence logged in any way?  Although the r/s is over, you would still be able to get support from a domestic abuse advocate, who can help with safety planning.  They offer very wide ranging support and advice and my own experience in dealing with them has been nothing but positive.  Would you consider contacting a local agency for support? 

There is a really helpful document which helps you to assess the level of risk in a partner/ex partner and I'd encourage you to take a look at this and complete the assessment.  It was enlightening for myself.  It's the MOSAIC risk assessment tool and you can find it Here.

Do you and she frequent the same places?  I think you're wise to steer clear of her at the moment, if you can do so without disruption to your life.  It's possible that she is simply painting you black to the new guy as she is seeking validation from him, however it pays to be cautious given the fact there has been violence and she is painting an untrue picture of your behaviour.  How are you feeling with the weight of all of this?  Processing the end of a r/s is a lot in itself without additional worries and concerns.  Do try to take good care of yourself and keep yourself safe emotionally too, by perhaps asking friends to not inform you of anything non essential to bring to your awareness.  It might be an idea to ask for only a weekly update unless there is something urgent you should know?

Love and light x   

[Angela033]

Maxpax2011,
My second relationship was with a BPD man.  I had strong attraction for him and felt very much in love.  We could talk for hours about all kinds of things.  The relationship did sour though, and extracting myself from it took longer than the good parts of the relationship all put together.  I think you should take care of yourself while you are also being careful about personal safety.  After a relationship like that, it takes a while to remember who you are and what you like, because so much time is spent appeasing the volatile partner.  Take separate space, distance is very healthy.  And, I think there is no being friends after a romantic relationship with a BPD partner.  Stay strong.

[Mutt]

Hi maxpax2011,

 

So I moved on. A short time later she contacted me and wanted to be friends, so I tried that, only to learn later she was just triangulating me as they call it, rubbing all the men she was dating in my face, how happy she was, and how I ruined us, and it was all my fault.

It has to hurt like hell if you felt very strongly about her and she’s flaunting the new guy in your face. I just wanted to point out that she’s bragging and then she blames you for the demise of the r/s. A pwBPD project their feelings and failures on others to protect their ego. I think that she knows that she lost yet another r/s because of impaired interpersonal relationship skills. Is he someone to be proud of really? They both sound emotionally immature and emotionally wounded if they’re both getting drunk out of their minds every week.

I completely understand how scary it feels when we can’t control what someone else says or does. If she’s going around telling everyone bad things about you how does that look like on her? You did the right thing if she pushed your buttons so much that you took out on your dog it was a wise choice.

Is going back to her an option? You’re out I’d suggest to keep up no contact for now because he’s in the fire now. She’s directing her blame shifting towards him and the honeymoon phase only last so long. In her mind she doesn’t see any imperfections in him but slowly the cracks are going to start to show until she’ll finally see nothing good in him and split him black. He’s keeping her busy and away from you for now if you contact her and show any emotions she’ll know that you’re still attached be indifferent, act boring and detached if you run into either of them in town. Don’t give her any attention eventually she’ll get the picture and look elsewhere for an emotional attachment someone that will continue to look the other way with her bad behaviours.

Don’t worry about her or what she’ll say it’s on her and not you it’s not going to look good if she’s out partying every week and complaining to anyone that wants to listen - she wants pity. Keep your chin up.

[Maxpax2011]

Sorry to hear that you've had experience of false allegations in the past.  That's got to have been really tough for you. 

These are certainly valid concerns.  The end of a violent r/s is potentially the most difficult time in terms of risk.  What can you do/are you doing to protect yourself from risk?  Was the violence logged in any way?  Although the r/s is over, you would still be able to get support from a domestic abuse advocate, who can help with safety planning.  They offer very wide ranging support and advice and my own experience in dealing with them has been nothing but positive.  Would you consider contacting a local agency for support? 

There is a really helpful document which helps you to assess the level of risk in a partner/ex partner and I'd encourage you to take a look at this and complete the assessment.  It was enlightening for myself.  It's the MOSAIC risk assessment tool and you can find it Here.

Do you and she frequent the same places?  I think you're wise to steer clear of her at the moment, if you can do so without disruption to your life.  It's possible that she is simply painting you black to the new guy as she is seeking validation from him, however it pays to be cautious given the fact there has been violence and she is painting an untrue picture of your behaviour.  How are you feeling with the weight of all of this?  Processing the end of a r/s is a lot in itself without additional worries and concerns.  Do try to take good care of yourself and keep yourself safe emotionally too, by perhaps asking friends to not inform you of anything non essential to bring to your awareness.  It might be an idea to ask for only a weekly update unless there is something urgent you should know?

Love and light x   

I deactivated my Facebook, I avoid places she would likely go to, and I do not drive by her work anymore, it is in the center of town, but now I drive around it. I blocked her on my phone, it feels stressful, and I feel paranoid, feel like every time I go into town I have to look over my shoulder or scan a store as I am walking through it. I have been out to eat and I catch myself watching the door in case she may walk through with that guy she is with. I have a friend who looks only once in a while and I tell them to only inform me of anything that would or could be directed at me. Honestly I am surprised by her behavior up to this point. A complete 180. The last conversation we had was somewhat amicable. Sure she still blamed me for everything, but it was not that volatile. We wished each other well and that was it. And I thought that would be the last I would hear from her, then the Facebook posts started about me stalking her, then her boyfriend contacted me with obscene remarks about their sex life. I was shocked by that. She always seemed to be a mature and classy woman, somewhat emotionally unstable, but did not expect that kind of behavior at all. Even her calling me drunk one night when they first started dating surprised me. During the two years we dated she only drank heavily twice or three times, now it seems to be a regular occurrence.

[Maxpax2011]

Hi maxpax2011,

 

It has to hurt like hell if you felt very strongly about her and she’s flaunting the new guy in your face. I just wanted to point out that she’s bragging and then she blames you for the demise of the r/s. A pwBPD project their feelings and failures on others to protect their ego. I think that she knows that she lost yet another r/s because of impaired interpersonal relationship skills. Is he someone to be proud of really? They both sound emotionally immature and emotionally wounded if they’re both getting drunk out of their minds every week.

I completely understand how scary it feels when we can’t control what someone else says or does. If she’s going around telling everyone bad things about you how does that look like on her? You did the right thing if she pushed your buttons so much that you took out on your dog it was a wise choice.

Is going back to her an option? You’re out I’d suggest to keep up no contact for now because he’s in the fire now. She’s directing her blame shifting towards him and the honeymoon phase only last so long. In her mind she doesn’t see any imperfections in him but slowly the cracks are going to start to show until she’ll finally see nothing good in him and split him black. He’s keeping her busy and away from you for now if you contact her and show any emotions she’ll know that you’re still attached be indifferent, act boring and detached if you run into either of them in town. Don’t give her any attention eventually she’ll get the picture and look elsewhere for an emotional attachment someone that will continue to look the other way with her bad behaviours.

Don’t worry about her or what she’ll say it’s on her and not you it’s not going to look good if she’s out partying every week and complaining to anyone that wants to listen - she wants pity. Keep your chin up.

Going back to her is not option, I lost 30 pounds since the break up, I feel less stress, I have more money, and I have good things going on in my life. I would never go back. If she ever got treatment I would consider to be friends, but that is it. After the break up we spoke a few times and talked about trying again, it went from one extreme to the other, she said she still loved me, but wanted to explore other options. Our last conversation, she said "I never changed my ways and I had to respect her decision for moving on as she respected mine for leaving her", she said she is with a wonderful guy now and he is what she has been missing her whole life. When I questioned that in regards to her calling me that night drunk, she got angry and said that we both moved on, what does it matter, her texts were very angry and emotional. She said good luck with who I am dating (Even though I wasn't really dating anyone at the time) and she hopes we can be friends, we wish each other well and that was it. Then more drama started soon after that. My only concern is her causing trouble for me, my therapist warned me about her trying to come back in my life, when I least expect it, and I dread it. Is possible that while I remain invisible to the world she will easily pass me by? Or could she be motivated enough to track me down? Would it be to cause more problems? Recycle me? I have no idea, nothing would surprise me at this point with her. I just started dating, and getting out and hanging with friends, would that set off a trigger if she saw me dating? Or having fun? Even though she is with someone else? Again I would not be surprised by anything she says or does at this point.

[Mutt]

Hi maxpax2011,

Is possible that while I remain invisible to the world she will easily pass me by? Or could she be motivated enough to track me down? Would it be to cause more problems? Recycle me?

Those are all valid questions I had very similar worries too. You’re not going to recycle if you don’t want to recycle. Everything that you mentioned can be taken care of by boundaries set boundaries on yourself and defend them.

Boundaries are like an invisible outward layer that protect your inner morals and values. In simpler terms it keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. You can’t control someone else there are two things that you have control of how you act and react. If she does X then I’m going to respond to Y.