Her philosophy, if someone gets in your face hit them

[Skip]

She started bringing up past stuff so I told her "I am not going to fight with you or argue with you" "NOT ANYMORE"!

Good.

The next step is to not let this stuff rattle you. Most likely she has these emotions to vent and once it said, she can start the process to calm herself and return to baseline.  We often take this stuff, react to it, bring it up again, re-breath life into it.

We have an article and 45 minute video on our website that might be worth looking at when you have time:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder

Here is a 3 minute excerpt to look at about what I'm saying... .


Date: 2-2012Minutes: 3:35
Back From the Edge - Mini clip

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oak Tree]

[Tattered Heart]

Wish I would have found this site sooner, who knows where I would be today...

I’m sure a much better place... .

Don't beat yourself up on this. You don't know what you don't know. We all had a starting point and almost every one of us came in here in a bad place because things had gotten so far out of control that we had no where to turn.

It's not that you don't have common sense; it's that you have developed a pattern in your life that helps you get control in areas where you feel like you have lost control. These ways of responding to our partenrs and the issues they create in our lives sometimes worked for a bit. Other times they seemed like they worked but in the long run, it just created more problems. These are patterns that have developed over many years with our partners and probably started in our early childhood. It will take time to change your responses, learn new ways, and start to move towards being healthy.

In regards to going to other people about your W, this can often create what is called a Karpman Drama Triangle with the roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer (sometimes called savior). These roles can switch and move around within this dysfunctional triangle.

[Oak Tree]

Hello Tattered Heart,

Thanks for your feed back, I beat myself up and I know I shouldn't because as you say "You don't know what you don't know".

I knew after I sent that email to her daughter that I made a mistake, guess desperation got the best of me.

How can people be so oblivious to such erratic behavior?

This didn't start with me and they all know it, I look at them and I see a bunch of scared eggshell walkers.

Let's not get her focus on us so we don't get the worst of her, sometimes I feel I was set up.

Oak Tree

[Radcliff]

Hi Oak Tree,

How did you feel about what Skip said about not letting her button-pushing attempts rattle you? 

WW

[Oak Tree]

Wentworth,

I get what Skip is saying and I always tell myself I wont let her get me there but that doesn't always work.
I am learning though, I saw that 45 min video he posted and I subscribed to other videos as well.

I will get This! And her button pushing will have no effect on me...

Oak Tree

[Radcliff]

Wentworth,

I get what Skip is saying and I always tell myself I wont let her get me there but that doesn't always work.
I am learning though, I saw that 45 min video he posted and I subscribed to other videos as well.

I will get This! And her button pushing will have no effect on me...

Oak Tree

Oak Tree, remember, it's a work in progress.  Our people with BPD are expert button pushers.  They are truly gifted at it.  And when we get good at not letting our buttons get pushed, they are ingenious in figuring out new ways to raise the stakes and try to get us to lose control.  So don't expect to get a total handle on the situation quickly, or to be perfect.  This is messy business.  If you stumble, get back up, learn from it, and improve your game the next time.  If you succeed, congratulate yourself.  If you don't succeed a particular time, make a note of the circumstances.  You might have been tired, caught off guard, or she might have just dramatically raised the stakes.  Cut yourself some slack and keep on truckin'.

Maybe you could tell us what techniques you use to avoid reacting when she tries to push your buttons, and maybe we could get others to contribute there suggestions for what works for them.

WW

[Oak Tree]

Wentworth,

I know I have a bumpy road ahead and I know I will be tested.

It has been easier for me because we are not really speaking, she stays in her corner I stay in mine.

I don't have any technic I don't think, when she talks at me instead of to me I just tell myself that was an attempt to push my buttons.

With her it's not so much what she says but the way she says it, she has a tendency to speak down to me like she would if I were her son.

For example last night I was in another room and her mother was asking how my mother was doing, and she walks in and "Tells" me fix the tv it has no sound.

Right away I saw her mother's face change like ah ohh somethings about to happen and she left.

She should have asked me but since she's still upset she decided to "Tell" me to fix it, that is one of the ways she tries to get me going.

So instead of getting into it with her I asked her if she pushed any other buttons on the remote?

Of course she said no, I'm thinking she was just looking for a reason to interact good or bad.

In the past when we had an issue and made up she would say how she missed me, and how she was "Faking the funk" when she tried to be hard.

That's probably what she's still doing now, she walks around singing and laughing like she has no care in the world...

Just an act.