Grateful

[Maxg]

Glad to find a place like this. Feel like I am losing my mind in this relationship but I do love my partner.  Not sure if I am even right but I don't think I would be seeking help if I was completely wrong.  This relationship though has made me feel like I am always wrong.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Maxg,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling in your relationship and that at times you hear that you are "always wrong". That is not easy.

Can you tell us more about the dynamic and how you are feeling about things? What behaviors are the most troubling?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome ,

Sorry that you are feeling like you are the one who is always wrong. How long have you been together? What issues have you been experiencing?

[Maxg]

Thank you so much for the replies. I have no one else to talk to. My friend's and family won't anymore. I am successful, intelligent but I feel like I am nothing in this relationship. She gets angry or upset over anything and everything. If I am 5 minutes late she cancels all plans then ignores me for days. Tonight again she tells me about her feelings and I never say or respond the right way. When I ask her to hear my feelings she said she was baffled that I have feelings in response. When I try to stand up for myself and ask her to listen it escalates, she tells me she is not going to argue, even though I am calm, and kicks me out of her house.  She never says anything good about us. She tells me she wants to be a part of my life but it's never enough. She kicks me out but an hour later sends a text saying she prays I get a peaceful night of rest. When I try to express that I feel she is distant she gets angry that I am attacking her. One day she changes her locks the next she wants me to stay over. I can't win and have zero self esteem. When I told her once that it bothers me that she has NEVER apologized for anything in 8 months she responds with "here we go again" and that I am taking things out on her. When she is in that place where she is kind and loving it's the best. But it never lasts more than a week. I am now in therapy. I need feedback please.

[ArleighBurke]

This is what your relationship will be like. She *may* get therepy, maybe, and it *may* make things better, but you will never have a calm, equal relationship with her.

If you want to stay in it, you need to:
- accept that she will always be "crazy"
   - she's doing the best she can
- BE THE STRONGER PERSON
   - don't expect apologies for anything
   - allow her to be the whirlwind, lashing around, but you be the rock. Don't allow her emotions/crazy to affect you
- get your self esteem!
   - she will accuse of lots of stuff, call you names, withdraw etc. You need to be able to accept this, not let it get to you. 
   - You will not get your self esteem from her - you need to get it elsewhere and KNOW your own worth
- learn tools to talk to her.
   - Learn SET, Validation, avoid JADE

It can be done, if you want it... .

[Maxg]

Thank you so much!

[LeChuck]

Hi Maxg,
it can certainly be difficult finding stability in yourself when you aren't sure what's coming next, or why.
How much do you know about BPD? (does your partner have a diagnoses?)
As well as the excellent advise given previously, understanding why your partner behaves like this can be really useful for you. It's much easier to not take things personally and even have compassion for the behaviour if you have some idea of what causes it.
Whatever decisions you make, take care.

LeChuck

[Maxg]

Thanks, she is a recovering addict/ alcoholic from an incredibly abusive background.  No diagnosis but my therapist and most who know us all think BPD with narcissism.  It's hard to be kicked out of her house over and over like last night and then accept that it will all be my fault. It's brutal going from being Loved and adored to never knowing if it's over or if I should call, etc. This time she texted me first and I've been silent because I don't have any strength left today to be blamed, criticized.  I'm so down and wait for her to call even though I know I should receive an apology but won't.

I've tried practicing the listen, validate. But when I just feel beat down from all of the negative comments, I defended and she cut me off and out of her house.

[ArleighBurke]

If you want to stay in the relationship with her, you have a lot to learn.

But this website has a massive amount of knowledge, and is full of people living through what you are.

How old are you? How long have you been with her?

[Maxg]

I am late 40's and been together for 9 months. Trying to read everything on here. Practical tools especially. When she gets distant and blaming I live in anxiety wondering if she is leaving or staying

[ArleighBurke]

As crazy as it sounds, you need to work out how to "not care" whether she leaves or stays. Of course you WANT her to stay, but you cannot control her. Being worried in response to what she does means you are caught up in her whirlwind.

Be your own man. Have your own feelings. Have your own life and direction.

Allow her to be part of your life, invite her to be part of your life, but don't RELY on her being part of your life. Accept that everything in life is transient. She may be with you until you die, she may only be with you another week. Worrying about that doesn't change it.

The best chance you have of her staying with you is if you are the rock solid stoic man she can rely on. Solid and stable. Show her that you can "withstand" her crazy - that no matter what she does you stand strong. This gives her safety.