Not Sure How to Handle Breakup

[Missingpieces17]

Hi everyone,

Undiagnosed ex-boyfriend broke up with me recently in a fit of rage. The things he said to me were shocking and his anger was scary. He said never contact him again but he continues to contact me. I still love him and worry about him. I've been responding with what I thought was interest and compassion. My hope was for some type of friendship but I realize now after reading some of these posts that it's highly unlikely. He tells me he needs me and how much pain he is in and I want to help but his words are very cruel and he blames everything on me in the breakup. I can't even pinpoint a reason for it because it seemed so irrational but he says it's because I'm selfish and don't care about him. Part of me was relieved because he had grown so verbally abusive and had told me that if I broke up with him he would conmit suicide so him ending our relationship seemed like the best outcome. I've discussed BPD with him and told him that I think he's amazing and strong and there's help out there for him and he could find some relief. He entertained the idea of BPD but mostly sticks to previous diagnosis of anxiety. He won't get help; doesn't believe in meds or therapy. With all that said, I see no future for us and I think the relationship is too unhealthy to try to reconcile even if we could. I know that being with me is a trigger for him even though I'm not the cause.

So, when he sends me texts, songs, etc, should I ignore him?  It's so hard to do because I know he's suffering and I want so badly to be there for him but at the same time it causes me such emotional pain/distress. I suffer from anxiety/depression myself and this relationship has been hard on me. What would be best for him? No contact? Also, I can see why many people portray BPD's as evil or bad but I don't share that belief so I'm looking for constructive advice. I've seen the good in him. I've seen his pain. I don't want to add to his suffering. I'm also having a hard time with missing him when my memories are divided into two different images of a man - the one who loved me and was passionate and funny and kind vs the one I could never please, who blamed me for all his unhappiness and wished terrible things on me.

[once removed]

hi Missingpieces17 and

So, when he sends me texts, songs, etc, should I ignore him?  It's so hard to do because I know he's suffering and I want so badly to be there for him but at the same time it causes me such emotional pain/distress.

its a difficult position. i suspect if you cut him off cold, he may ramp up his efforts and the vitriol.

when he sends you the texts, songs, etc, how do you normally respond?

[Missingpieces17]

Hi once removed. Thanks for responding. At first I was responding with interest and compassion. Conversations were getting a little intense as I was allowing myself to be drawn back in emotionally but then ultimatums were given (i.e. See me or we're done) and when I didn't respond to the ultimatums there would be silence for 2-3 days and then messages acting as though nothing had happened. Tried to discuss both of us  getting some help. Conversations like that are met with anger, name-calling, accusations that I'm the one with issues and cause problems in all relationships I've had. More insinuations regarding suicide and as much as I'm worried about him I've blocked him because at this point it's destroying me emotionally and I don't know what else to do.

[MeandThee29]

Hi once removed. Thanks for responding. At first I was responding with interest and compassion. Conversations were getting a little intense as I was allowing myself to be drawn back in emotionally but then ultimatums were given (i.e. See me or we're done) and when I didn't respond to the ultimatums there would be silence for 2-3 days and then messages acting as though nothing had happened. Tried to discuss both of us  getting some help. Conversations like that are met with anger, name-calling, accusations that I'm the one with issues and cause problems in all relationships I've had. More insinuations regarding suicide and as much as I'm worried about him I've blocked him because at this point it's destroying me emotionally and I don't know what else to do.

Mine was a 25-year marriage.

The best advice I got was to keep every interaction neutral, or what is called "gray rock." There are videos on YouTube with more information. Naturally suicide threats should be taken seriously, but you aren't the solution. Mine had an attempt in 2017 and still blames me, our adult children, and our church for not giving him what he needed emotionally.

It's hard when you care about the person, but if you don't give them anything, you show self-respect and self-preservation. If for no one else but yourself, that's important. Mine initially said we'd both get help and work on things, but six months later, he hasn't. He says mine is a rotten, waste-of-money counsellor because I'm still not giving him what he expects from a wife. Yes, it's all about him.

You can NOT turn this around. Occasionally someone with BPD/NPD will get help on their own and change, but they have to make the move. Every counsellor/therapist I've seen says it's a long, long process.

As far as mine is concerned, I'm doing great. I don't give him any significant content from my life to work over. I had to set a boundary for myself that there would be no more conversations about our marriage, only our joint finances. Once we get the house sold and everything divided, I probably will go no contact.

[Missingpieces17]

That sounds like good advice and I'll check those videos out. My biggest struggle right now is going back and forth between saying I'll be strong and not talk to him and then later thinking I could've/should've done something differently. All it took was me reading about what it takes to be in a borderline relationship on this site to start telling myself that if I was stronger and better I could've helped him and made it work. My brain knows that what you're saying is true but my heart is still reaching out for him. If he told me he didn't love me and wanted me to leave him alone I could step away easily but choosing to stay away from someone I love and claims to need me is so hard.

[Jeffree]

I think the answer here is different for everybody. However, the fact that you are not married to this person and do not have any custody to navigate, makes it a lot cleaner as to what your options can be.

You owe it to yourself to take care of your best interests. With that as the focus, what you do from there should be come clearer.

Lastly, if your best friend came to you seeking advice on what to do with the following person: He tells me he needs me and how much pain he is in and I want to help but his words are very cruel and he blames everything on me in the breakup. What would your advice to them be?

J

[Jeffree]

If he told me he didn't love me and wanted me to leave him alone I could step away

- Undiagnosed ex-boyfriend broke up with me recently in a fit of rage.
- The things he said to me were shocking and his anger was scary.
- He said never contact him again but he continues to contact me.
- his words are very cruel and he blames everything on me in the breakup.
- he says it's because I'm selfish and don't care about him.
- he had grown so verbally abusive

I'm not sure how you'd explain the above fragments from your post, but I'm not hearing much to like here.

J

[Missingpieces17]

Hi Jeffree,

Thank you for the insight. I would tell my best friend that she needed to look out for herself and that deserves a healthy relationship without all the suffering. I like the way you broke my post down because seeing it divided like that highlights the fact that imo those behaviors aren't what love is supposed to look like. So even if he does love me, it's not a love I should be willing to accept anyway.

[donkey2016]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about that you're heartbroken. How long were you two together? It seems like you're still very much in love with him. I was very much in love with my ex boyfriend the first two years - and found it impossible to break up with him even though things were so difficult with him. He was also verbally abusive already after the first 4 months. Over time the idea of breaking up with him became more bearable. So it might be difficult to compare your relationship with a 25 years marriage. Over the years you become used to being discarded and then again wanted and then over again the same process. It's not something anyone should have to live through. Take care of yourself. I found the best way to cope was to detach - refuse to be drawn into the constant drama.
donkey2016