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Author Topic: My BPD brother wants a ‘reconciliation’  (Read 535 times)
toomanytears
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 285



« on: January 18, 2018, 02:55:09 PM »

It’s a long time since I’ve been on this website. It was a huge support to me as my marriage disintegrated and I then went through a painful divorce with someone I discovered was a classic high performing man with BPD. Eventually I came out the other end! Poorer, financially, but  richer in terms of friendships, social life and general happiness. I can’t tell you how much of a support this site was. Thank you to everyone who responded to my posts. You helped me heal.

 During that same horrendous period from 2009 to 2015 my relationship with my brother deteriorated. The catalyst was a disagreement about my aunt’s will but it also became  about my disrespectful attitude to him, pushing my children forward with my mum when he didn’t have any etc etc. There was a long list of grievances dating back a long time which I think was around sibling jealousy. In fact sometimes I think I married someone like my brother without realising it. He and my ex both had so Many BPD traits in common. In the end I just couldn’t cope and went into no contact mode and have been in that state ever since. My job was restructured and that has caused more concern and distress but I’ve come through that too. During my divorce and job nightmare I didn’t receive a word of support of any kind from my brother. Occasionally dismissive remarks filtered through to me from him via my mum.  I decided I didn’t need his aggro anyway and stopped trying to maintain a relationship. Sometimes  I have contacted him to make arrangements for our mother and we are civil but distant where she is concerned. Obviously it would be better for her if we had a better relationship. She is older, frailer,  physically and mentally and needs us both. So we rub along, coordinating our visits so they don’t overlap and helping her independently with very occasional communication.

Now today I’ve an email from him proposing a reconciliation.

“Our relationship broke down altogether. I remain puzzled and upset at the way you behaved towards me over a period of 5 years from 2009. The absence of any relationship leaves a void but has its advantages in that it also prevents any further hurt. When our paths cross at our Mum's I feel awkward in your company and feel hypocritical pretending to be friendly while there is a massive unresolved “elephant in the room”.

When I think about where I would like to be - it is in a decent and civil relationship with you that would hopefully develop into a proper sibling relationship based on mutual respect, mutual honesty and mutual trust. I believe we can only get there by dealing with the issues (on both sides) and by acknowledging that behaviour patterns need to change. I do not believe that we can get there by sweeping things under the carpet and pretending they never happened. I imagine that any reconciliation process is inevitably likely to be uncomfortable for both sides too.
 
Part of me is tempted to simply accept the unsatisfactory status quo. I have got used to it and it causes no further hurt. However, I know the lack of a relationship between her children causes our mother a lot of heartache and besides, I would prefer to be in a proper relationship with you if at all possible as I said above.”

This email sent me into a bit of a panic. I don’t want to go over old ground. I can hardly remember that time he talks about because my main focus was on my marriage and getting through divorce. I’ve given it little thought since. I did bring it up in therapy and the therapists said no contact was best. And it worked for me. I have once told him  that drawing a line under our past differences and going forward anew is for me the only way. He disagreed and dropped the subject. However, now for the sake of my mum should I give his approach a try? I can’t believe one meeting will satisfy him. I won’t say what he wants me to say (I’m guessing being forced to admit guilt to various offences). Or perhaps I’m overthinking it all. Any insights from people out there would be very very  helpful. Is there an area fo compromise? I feel i need strong diplomatic skills to attempt this... .and I fear I’ll go into flight or flight... .



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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2018, 09:13:43 AM »

Hi toomanytears

I just came across your post and would like to offer my thoughts on your situation.

How do you feel about his request now that you have had time to digest it? Do you think he is being genuine or do you think that maybe he might have unfinished business?

I ask this because my uBPD son definitely had an agenda when I tried relationship counselling with him. He had unresolved issues that he needed to get off his chest and no matter how many times I apologised to him and told him that I loved him, it made no difference whatsoever. That was before I found this site and read up on BPD. Had I been able to use the tools on here, who knows, things might have turned out differently, as it was he went n/c with me.

I see a lot of similarities in your post to my situation. Certain words and phrases that my son used:
Disrespectful attitude towards him
I feel awkward in your company
Feel hypocritical pretending to be friendly
 
Your brother’s statement that “There is a massive unresolved elephant in the room” worries me.

I think that you need to weigh up how important it is to you to have a relationship with your brother. In my case it is very important to me to have a relationship with my son and if I had the chance of a reconciliation I would try. That is me, it might not necessarily be you, bearing in mind that a parent/child relationship is different to a sibling/sibling relationship.

If you do decide to take up your brother’s offer, I would definitely suggest that you brush up on communication with a pwBPD skills or even involve a counsellor.

Most importantly put your own needs and well being first x



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