Feeling a little better

[JNChell]

I was really tore up for a while. I still don’t feel great of course, but not as bad. It may just be temporary, but I’ll take it for now if it is. It took me about 2 months to post here after joining. I was in such a bad state that I didn’t think it was a good idea to spew my unrestrained emotions all over a public forum. I think what has me feeling better and a little more detached are a couple of behaviors and comments that she’s directed towards me very recently. I don’t even feel like taking the time to explain them in detail. I just feel kind of over that right now. I think I’m starting to see her differently now. I’m starting to accept that this is who she really is, not who I was presented with in the beginning. She lives a double life and that is not something I want in mine. It feels good to be able to type this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JNChell, Glad to hear that you are emerging from the dark tunnel.  No, she's not the person you thought she was.  On the other hand, I doubt that I was the person that my BPDxW made me out to be either, so it was a case of mistaken identity on both sides!  We've all been through it -- detaching -- so feel free to vent.  It might make you feel better!

LJ

[Jeffree]

JNChell,

That's great to hear.

I remember that moment with my first exBPD. It was a week or so after. I was with her for 10 years, then she up and left. Poof! I was reeling, really trying to make sense of it all.

I was doing some yard work, by myself as usual, when it hit me. What did I actually have with her? I had started to express my feelings that it felt like we were more like roommates than husband and wife, she was only home 1-1/2 days out of 7 during the week (with the rest of the time spent "working" or preparing for work), and of those 1-1/2 days we only had maybe 8 hours of potential quality time together.

That's what I was hurting over? 8 hours of time spent with someone who was barely interested in me?

Yeah, it still hurt being discarded like that, like I was just a speck of dirt, but realizing what was actually going on day to day with us accelerated my recovery big time.

KEEP ON TRUCKIN'! 

[Jeffree]

With the STBx, it's just been a long series of realizations along the way that has me feeling pretty damned good about her having moved out.

1) I asked for separate bedrooms when I realized she hadn't been affectionate with me for quite some time and that holding out hope for the possibility was just a charade. She went ape when I did request this, but I didn't want to sleep next to someone who treated me as if I am loathsome.

2) She only contacted me for things I can do for her or her complaints about me, so I blocked her. I decided to take my chances on missing out something that I actually needed to know from her. Guess what? Nothing good has come from her since this. No surprise there.

3) She is an out and out liar, so I let any of her "promises" go in one ear and out the other. Lo and behold, I now get to watch as her lies implode on her.

4) She is unreliable, untrustworthy, and unethical, so I don't rely on her for anything, not even money from her that is part of shared expenses or money I laid out for her prior to her moving out.

In the end, I just call a spade a spade, and that really helps.

J

[JNChell]

Thanks for the responses. LJ, I don’t really feel like venting about it. I’m just going to take the day as it came to me. I’m just going to be ok with it. Chances are there may be some steps backwards. I don’t want those steps back to be caused by me venting. I’m good today. J, in my short time here, I’m always glad to see you show up and to read your posts. Thank you both.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JNChell,

I'm so glad to see that you are feeling somewhat better and by the sounds of it, more in charge of your reactions to things that she does and says.  By that, I mean that in the early stages we are more inclined to feel inflamed emotional responses to triggers because of the depth of pain we are already feeling.  This is great progress.  Good on you for acknowledging yourself edging forwards.  Even if there is a backwards step at some point, the fact is that you will know you got this far and you can again. 

I think what has me feeling better and a little more detached are a couple of behaviors and comments that she’s directed towards me very recently. I don’t even feel like taking the time to explain them in detail. I just feel kind of over that right now. I think I’m starting to see her differently now. I’m starting to accept that this is who she really is, not who I was presented with in the beginning.

Two things here that I notice.  Firstly you're not feeling the need to get caught up in the details of the actions and words.  Instead just taking from the behaviour what you need in order to aid your detaching.  Sounds to me like you're becoming more mindful and stepping back from the drama, which is great!  Rather than allowing yourself to get caught up in events, you're observing them and then, the key thing - accepting.  Acceptance can be and often is, the hardest part in all of this.  We were sold to.  The idealisation, the fantasy of a future filled with castles in the air, the love heroine - that loaded bond... .All of this can be so very difficult to accept as being gone.  For myself, for a number of reasons, I found it extremely hard to accept that he was not the person I'd believed, and I found it hard to accept that I couldn't be the one to change things.  It was not in my nature to give up on a challenge, much to my detriment over the years.  I'd say you're doing marvellously. 

Love and light x   

[JNChell]

Thanks HQ! You and I are alike in the aspect that we don’t give up easily, and it being detrimental. It makes me think about how much time can be wasted by holding on. I’m making personal steps right now that are about me. I’m cutting alcohol and tobacco out of my life, I re-enter therapy next week, starting to work out again, eating healthy again and I’m reading relevant books. Haven’t read in a long time. You know, I think I just got tired of feeling bad. Not that I feel good yet, know what I mean? I know more about myself now and I actually feel ready to finally do this. I don’t feel like I’m going into therapy and healing blindly hoping a therapist can tell me what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m at a place where I need guidance on how. This site and it’s participants have been a big part in that. Thank you!

[Harley Quinn]

I do know what you mean, yes.  That middle ground between the two is filled to the brim with opportunity and it sounds as though you're grabbing onto that opportunity with both hands.  What you're doing is great work JNChell.  Be proud of yourself!   

Love and light x

[Jeffree]

JNChell,

 

Has anyone recommended the book The Four Agreements to you?

If not, I am.

Good luck with everything!

J

[JNChell]

Thanks Jeffree! Just checked it out. I’ll order it when I get home this evening.