Going out of town alone - he's acting okay but I am still nervous

[isilme]

I don't go out of town much, and when I do, it is almost always with H.  We are either taking our one trip a year, making our semi-annual "trip to the "big" city" nearby, or visiting his family (I have none).  Very rarely do I need to travel for work, nor does he, and I admit my dependence on seeing him is likely almost as bad on his on me.

He does not react well to my being gone, or at least, in the past has not.  I often feel like I am sort of a security blanket for him, that he may simply want me in the house but not to interact otherwise.  And yes, me traveling at all is a form of temporary abandonment as far as BPD is concerned.  And he's doing much better, with me being able to take a day to go to town with a friend now and then and not finding him in a rotten mood when I get back, no text barrages, etc. 

But I feel nervous nonetheless about an overnight trip, for fun, tomorrow.  It's a bachelorette party of all things, 4 hours away, and he's been very supportive of me going, even though there HAVE been the sideways comments about how he will still take me back after I cheat on him tomorrow, yadda yadda yadda.  I mostly chalk those up to the BPD being nuts, and don't engage.  At 40, being who I am, I am the oldest "lady" going, and foresee myself playing mother-hen more than doing body shots.  Anyway.  He's been adamant I should go, he's not said anything super negative, but I still have some egg-shell feelings and am hoping I come back to an okay home on Sunday. 

I don't travel well, usually scared I forgot something, and so I am nervous on that front, too.  At least I am not driving. 

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[BlockedIt!]

One of the things I have learned is that it feels like it takes courage to do something like leave for a couple of days. I don't think that people who are in a functional relationship feel this way.
I am on a personal weekend right now. She tried to talk me out of one night of it by inviting me to dinner and an intimate evening together saying I could still go on Saturday morning.
One of the challenges is not worrying about them while we are gone. Which for me is a part of the codependency I struggle with.
I hope you are able to relax and have a great time celebrating your friend's last days of single life.

[Radcliff]

isilme, I'm glad you got out for some time away!  Did you have fun?  Let us know how things went, and how things go on your return.

WW

[isilme]

And back.  He was a little moody yesterday, but he's always like that on Sundays so I did not take it personally or engage.  The trip was okay - I am just really tired but did not want to take a day off work so I am struggling to stay awake be functional here, and then will need to go grocery shopping before I can head home for the evening.  Luckily I'd cleaned house and done most of the laundry Friday night after work before leaving early on Saturday.  It would have been nice to come home and find HE':) gone to the store, but things like that just don't happen, so we had no milk and things in the fridge are somewhat sparse.  At least he washed and dried his own clothes - that is the one chore I can rely on him to mostly do.  Maybe I will check out the curbside service that just started at our store and save myself some trouble and time. 

The trip was pretty fun, I am glad some "older" girls were there (30-36 years old, with me being 40).  The 20-something bridal party was less enthusiastic than I'd thought they'd be, kinda dramatic amongst themselves in slightly NPD ways, and maybe I just grew up too fast with my BPD parents, but they seem a lot younger at 25 than I did at 16.  But we older ladies showed them how to "safely" hang and have fun, no one got lost, no one lost anything, and no one got sick - so win. 

Home, H was reasonably okay, he went out himself and felt pretty miserable himself yesterday, both physically and emotionally, but nothing that I'd say was an event of any kind.

[Radcliff]

isilme, great!  It sounds like you had a decently good time, and without any major reunification drama.  Score that as a win!  Yes, 25 is seeming younger every day

WW

[Tattered Heart]

Girl, 40 is the new 20! Glad you had fun and I hope you partied those young wipper snappers under the table (at least until 9:30p. Anything later than 9:30 is just too late HAHAHA).

I get that nervous feeling when I go on weekend trips too. I always feel a little edgy right before the trip. It's probably just some residual  conditioning from prior blow ups before trips. Does you H go back to normal after you get home? I've noticed for my my H when he doesn't dysregulate about the trip, when I get home he is either really distant or feels rejected and gets upset about something smaller during the week after.

[isilme]

He was mildly awkward - opened the door, hugged me, and then went back to his game for a bit - I'd strained my throat talking over the loud music and had a hard time talking about the trip, but after a while, we ordered a pizza and he wanted to sit on the couch together to watch a movie.  He's doing very well today - also it's sunny, the weather is "normal" for our winters (60-70 daytime / 40-50 nights) so his body is not super in pain today, so his mood is better. 

I am a little worried about a delayed freak out coming (has happened when I've gone on a simple day trip for a few hours), but will just have to weather that if it comes. 

[Radcliff]

For situations like the potential for a "delayed freak out" I've found that in my r/s at least, if I was extra attentive or supportive in ways that mattered to my wife, validated, was calm, and avoided introducing any stressful topics, it sometimes helped get us through the "danger zone" without any trouble.

WW

[isilme]

Wentworth,

Tried, but the delayed freak out happened last night, some spillover today. 

I am not feeling well physically - been fighting respiratory issues all winter, the exhaustion from the trip plus going to work yesterday was very draining, leaving me with a raspy voice, dry cough and a low fever, kinda short of breath, weird appetite.  Last night was just a holding pattern for me until it was time for bed (if I go too early my insomnia kicks in and I am awake at 3AM so I need to wait till about midnight to be able to sleep through).  You ask me any day how I feel - tired is the answer.  Yes, I should go see an MD, No, I don't often do it.  I worry this is more than just repeat cold, but blood work checks out annually, no thyroid stuff seems to show on physicals.  If I feel like this tomorrow will hit up the Stat Clinic and see if they can screen me for flu / pneumonia I guess.  Had my shot but it's pretty bad out there this year.  Anyway, going on day 3 of super freakin' tired.

We had a miscommunication about dinner - I wanted basic things from the store, put in an order for our new curbside service partly on impulse to just get bread, milk, cereal, etc without making it a long drawn out trip walking down each aisle.  I admit to doing this without telling him ahead of time, and yeah, I think it was partly because he'd try to talk me out of it, imply I as just being lazy, I'd look privileged, whatever.  So, when I told him I put in the order I offered to pick up dinner ont he way back.  Says he wants pancakes.  Offer to go across town (it's a small town) to IHOP.  No.  Offer to go to a somewhat healthier sandwich deli.  No.  Tells me to "stop trying to go the extra mile".  Silly me, sick and literally tired, I say, "okay, I am trying to get what you want so you don't get to be mad when I get back about not having the dinner you wanted because I am willing to go get it if you will just tell me."  Blow up.  "You're just offering not to be nice but to serve yourself... ." Lots of borderline (ha) incoherent stuff - basically he's worried it would look stupid for me to run in for one forgotten item (waffles or hamburger buns).  He's upset that it's kinda obvious to people I tend to run myself a little ragged trying to take care of all things and he does little to nothing other than make it to work most days. 

"Of course I don't want you mad - why would I?  I will not go anywhere.  I will not run into the store to pick up anything left off the list.  I will not do anything other than go and come back.  This is me agreeing to what you just said you wanted."   He's somewhat quiet, gets out of the car at this point as I drop him off and then go pick up groceries.  That part of the night was a nice surprise - it worked really well, and I spent a little less money likely due to fewer impulse buys.  I did not get anything fancy, nor a lot of food, but we had things for sandwiches and to go with main dishes I'd bought the week before and not eaten.

Come home - he's having a "protest-look-I-can-take-care-of-myself" dinner of a mac n cheese cup.  I am tired, unload care alone, make sure trash is on the curb, change clothes and try to just relax on the couch.  I am so tired.  I can't keep from small coughing fits, but was avoiding the syrup until closer to time to sleep.

He's a little irritable, playing a game, but I read my book and mostly ignore it, we watch a movie, time for bed. He sometimes insists on showering together so he's "not alone" and since it means I can get done without having to wait for hot water to reset, I usually go along with it.  It was fine, until I was ready to get out and he started in on a constant refrain about changes in his workplace that may be coming in 3-10 years that could result in the program he works for being done away with, moving to another city 5 hours away, all manner of things - all negative, all ramping himself up before bed.  Each time he starts this conversation, I am supposed to treat it as absolute fact, as something new being told to me the first time, and I never seem able to validate and disengage well at all.  I invalidated by saying if anything happens to either of our jobs, we will deal with it then and see what we can do - if that means we move, we move, wherever one of us can work - we move up north, we move south to take care of his mom, whatever we have to do, we do.  Yes.  I was trying to "solve" the problem and did not validate his feelings of doom and gloom.  He does this so late at night I am so tired, and saying, "I'm tired can we talk tomorrow" never works. 

Anyway, I am tired of standing just out of the water and getting both cold but sweating.  I get out, and dry off, but try to make it clear I am still in the room, trying to listen, but I already screwed up and he's ramping up more.  Apparently, telling me how his job may no longer exist in 3-5-10 years had nothing to do with him telling me he was worried about losing his job, so anything I said about trying to not worry about potentially losing his job was me just not "listening."  I said, "what is the end result of your job not existing?  You don't have it - you are telling me what you always tell me, you are worried about losing your job, and then you always go down to die alone and homeless."   

This resulted in about 1-2 hours of him vowing to end all conversations with the final end - we will all die and be worm food - friend A - gonna get sick and die.  Her husband - gonna go broke keeping her happy and die.  Me - gonna die first and leave him alone and destitute or gonna cheat on him, or gonna go find [lots of vulgar stuff] since he's having issues.  He threatens to ruin all future conversations by skipping to the end, told me he'd never listened to me talk about work again (he rarely does, anyway.  I've been told to never complain about work for about 17 years unless I plan to "do something about it".)  Then he started in on my weight, how I am obese, and he hates it and I need to stop being lazy.  Because, somehow I am supposed to be working out outside during 2 artic freak fronts that dropped our area into hard freezes we never have, or during the holidays.  Bear in mind, he ridicules me going to Zumba classes when they are in session.  And I might want to be sure I am not on a path to pneumonia before I take those up again.  And that being the primary chore person at home is draining. 

So, his health issues, his fears about work, and my "abandonment" over the weekend all came out last night, now (even though about 5 friends met up with him Saturday to hang out, pplay darts) he has "no" friends, because "we" (another close couple) "made" him dump his friends (they were horrified at how both of us let some other couples use us and insult us and it came to head this summer) - we are no longer in contact with those couples, after some long drawn out thinking about it.  His job is nothing, they actually all hate him and can't fire him because he thinks he has a potential lawsuit.

Everyone hates him so he will eat worms.  He's still angry this morning, probably will linger all day.  I will wait for the "reset" by tomorrow hopefully. 

[Radcliff]

isilme, sorry, sounds like a rough day!  How can you get some space to rest and recover?  Any chance of taking a sick day, and diving back in bed after he leaves for work?  Drink lots of fluids

WW

[isilme]

He asked to go to dinner with friends (the very friends he expressed annoyance with the night before).  I did what I usually do, and ignore that anything happened the night before and we went - dinner was fine - I'd given both friends a heads up he was in an odd mood (the wife claims to be a female version of H, so her husband gets some of the same issues, anger at being gone, is an emotional safety blanket, etc.  I think H likes them quite a bit, but also gets horrified when he can see his actions reflected in hers from another person's point of view). 

Anyway, by the time dinner was over things were okay, I told H I really needed to crash on the couch, and he finally acknowledged I was ill, and I went ahead and called in for the morning so I finally got some sleep.  Had to come in for an afternoon meeting, but I told H I would likely wear myself out simply being at work for even half a day and would likely need to lie down again when we get home.

[Radcliff]

isilme, I'm glad you called in to work, and proactively warned your husband that you'd need to crash tonight!  Take care of yourself, and feel better!



WW

[isilme]

I have a lot of shame in admitting to being sick.  H does not react well, and at times repeats things that are close to things my manic-depressed/BPD sociopath father would say to me (albeit my father was much worse about it).

Basically, according to Dad, if I was sick it was because I was fat, last, and worthless, and taking me to the doctor was a waste of his time and money, and I was just like my mother and only wanted to get drugs from an MD. 

H makes claims about how I am lazy and don't get enough exercise and have let my immune system go downhill, etc.  He can be very nice for a few days, but there is a threshold for him allowing me to rest before he loses patience with my being sick.  I know a lot of it is tied to how I keep the house clean and if I'm down for the count it shows and makes him feel guilty for not doing it and irritated it's not done, and upset that he knows he should help but doesn't want to do it, either. 

[Radcliff]

isilme, I'm so sorry for that pain, past and present 

WW

[isilme]

WentWorth - thanks.