Trying to Help 85 Year Old BPD Mother, As "All Bad Child"

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone, I'm a 59 YO retired mom/grandma from Canada, proud of my two kids and three grandchildren.   I believe my 85 YO mother is undiagnosed borderline from my reading and searching. She lives in a town about an hour away in semi-independent living, but would like to move in with me. I have an auto-immune disorder and struggle with recurring depression, both of which I understand are common for children of BPD parents.

My younger sister passed away in 2013, my husband in 2015, my husband's brother in 2016 and my father in 2017, all from different causes. Only my father's death was expected and I was left reeling and ill-prepared for the next chapter of my life.

My younger sister who passed in 2013 was my mom's "all good child" (sorry, not sure if you use these terms on this board), and my mother, due to her traits and behaviours, was already disconnected from the rest of her family (my surviving sister, her two other sons-in-law, and all her grandchildren). When my dad died last year, even though I was mom's "all bad child", she began trying to enmesh me, as I was all she had left. I feel like I'm drowning now as I try to help her, all the while trying not to allow her to take over my life. What I really want is to run far, far away.

I also feel sad because her friends and brothers judge and challenge me frequently now, as they don't believe I do enough for mom. They have never known her role in our family or the suffering she caused. I understand they don't understand, but still their judgment of me hurts.

Anyway I'm here with you all, and looking forward to the insight and wisdom shared on the board. Thanks for reading.

[Cudgy]

Hi everyone, I'm a 59 YO retired mom/grandma from Canada, proud of my two kids and three grandchildren.   I believe my 85 YO mother is undiagnosed borderline from my reading and searching. She lives in a town about an hour away in semi-independent living, but would like to move in with me. I have an auto-immune disorder and struggle with recurring depression, both of which I understand are common for children of BPD parents.

My younger sister passed away in 2013, my husband in 2015, my husband's brother in 2016 and my father in 2017, all from different causes. Only my father's death was expected and I was left reeling and ill-prepared for the next chapter of my life.

My younger sister who passed in 2013 was my mom's "all good child" (sorry, not sure if you use these terms on this board), and my mother, due to her traits and behaviours, was already disconnected from the rest of her family (my surviving sister, her two other sons-in-law, and all her grandchildren). When my dad died last year, even though I was mom's "all bad child", she began trying to enmesh me, as I was all she had left. I feel like I'm drowning now as I try to help her, all the while trying not to allow her to take over my life. What I really want is to run far, far away.

I also feel sad because her friends and brothers judge and challenge me frequently now, as they don't believe I do enough for mom. They have never known her role in our family or the suffering she caused. I understand they don't understand, but still their judgment of me hurts.

Anyway I'm here with you all, and looking forward to the insight and wisdom shared on the board. Thanks for reading.

[Turkish]

Hello Cudgy,



I can imagine it would be painful to experience the switch from all bad child to all good.  Given your sister's passing, I imagine it's additionally hurtful, maybe like you don't believe it's sincere,  but rather she reaching out because you're all she has.

Her friends won't understand it; your uncles come from the same family as her so they likely won't see things (right?). Members here understand and will support you 

Is she safe and taken care of where she is? What do you think the reasoning is behind why she wants to move in with you?

Turkish

[Penny123]

Hello! I'm the "bad child" too. My sister "good child" passed away in 2014. My sister was a social worker/therapist so she was much, much better handling our BPD Mom. I'm impatient and will tell my Mom how it is sometimes. Now, it's just my younger brother and me. My brother is fed up dealing with my Mom but he still talks with her and will help out occasionally.  I live closer (6 hours away) so I'm there for Mom in the health emergencies and get caught in her drama more. Mom doesn't have many friends so she reaches out to me alot esp through texts. I've set boundaries and I only talk with her once a week but it's awful at times. I wish my sister was still here to help and sometimes I think how lucky she is not to have to deal with Mom anymore. Also, I miss her so much. She had to own problems with being an alcoholic too. I'm doing the best I can. I have a supportive husband and Dad (who is divorced from my BPD Mom) so it helps!

[Notwendy]

Another "bad child" here!

When my father was ill, I originally wanted my parents to move closer to me. I wasn't aware of all the BPD drama in families as a whole. I thought she was the problem and because of her, I didn't want them to be too close. Of course, they were furious at that, and painted me black as a terrible daughter. A compromise was for them to be a short distance from me in an area where there were more resources for the elderly and more options for living situations. It seemed to be win win but they were still angry at me. My father passed away before there were any plans to move and I assumed the situation was forgotten as I found out my BPD mother had written me out of the will- and I assumed I was disowned.

That was just part of the push pull and she began to act like it didn't happen and brought up plans to move again. The whole idea began to stress me out. One of the things I noticed when my father was ill and I would try to help - which often led to my mother disregulating and Dad snapping at me angrily was that I would actually so stressed I feared for my own well being. Just the idea of my mother being closer to me felt stressful.

I had it out with her, told her I didn't want her to move near me. It was an ugly conversation followed by hateful phone messages from her, but on my part, it was honest and true.

[Notwendy]

I wanted to add that my mother has a good support system where she is- friends, families and caretakers. My father left her enough money to have help in the house. They owned their home which she still lives in. She is secure where she is.

Her FOO and friends do think I am just horrible for not wanting to be of more help to her. It isn't that I would  not want to help an elderly parent. I would want to do this, but in my situation it is different from a typical situation. It is that the way she treats me is not good for me because of the emotional and physical stress. You mentioned your own physical and emotional health concerns, and I felt it was important to recognize that being around my mother in a caregiver situation is not good for me. We do have the right to take care of ourselves. I had to let go of what people in her circle think of me. She also paints me black to them when she is angry. So they don't really even know me, they only know what she tells them.

It is OK to take care of you. I still see my mother and speak to her. I just need some distance between us for my own sake.

[madeline7]

Greeting from another "bad child", at least for this month. The oldest was the golden child until she married, and now it has cycled back to me. But it couldn't last, and now I am painted black. It is a no win situation for me, stress with her and without her, but I do feel a little better without her at the moment. I am around your age, and now that I am currently NC , I am feeling better both physically and emotionally. There was an incident about a year ago where my uBPDm called me for "help", then would not answer the phone, I dropped what I was doing and took a train to get in to see if she was ok. Had to get the apartment manager to open the door, she was pretending to be asleep. I left the apartment to call one of my siblings and when I returned , I could tell she had used her remote to turn up the volume on her TV, so I "woke" her up, and she raged at me. The real issue was, she said, that she was angry that I wouldn't let her move in with me. When she asked why that was, I finally told her what no one in the family had the courage to do, I told her that this behavior (referring to her call for help, then pretending to be asleep and then lashing out) was the reason I did not feel I could live with her. I simply could not have that behavior under my roof. As you might surmise, that conversation did not go over too well, and we have been hot and cold ever since. She does not accept boundary setting from me, but I need healthy boundaries for my own health and well being. The take away from this is I feel it is vital to practice self care. For me, it appears impossible to have a balance of self care while having a relationship with the pwBPD, but for others, they have been able to achieve that balance. I wish for you peace and balance and lots of self care.