Figuring Out Family of Origin Stuff

[pearlsw]

I have lived through something so... .straight out of a bad movie... .so complex and odd I can't even capture it. Long story short at my grandfather's funeral yesterday a group of seven people showed up. We have a lot of relatives and it is not a surprise when someone you don't know pops up... .However in this case, at the funeral, a man presented himself as a "stepson" of my grandfather who my grandfather was not biologically related to, but whose mother my grandfather had a relationship with. She died awhile back... .

It's not a total surprise. Afterall, my grandparents broke up many years ago, but did not divorce. I use the term "breakup" cautiously now because the terms you even use to describe these life events trigger a LOT of pain and upset and drama. We all knew to one degree or another there had been a lot of other women in his life... .He gambled hard, drank hard, was adventurous... .He had PTSD from being a paratrooper and he'd boxed too... .There was a lot of violence and coming to terms with violence and the consequences of violence in his life... .He was sorry, and he was forgiven, by some... .

The drama. I have been through so much in the last days I can't even describe it. I was shocked but not shocked. At first I was told these people were cousins, then when we asked who they were one of them said "he was grandfather's stepson" so I will let your mind fill in some of the blanks on how that might reverberate through a visitation (that also included a eulogy) for someone people had a lot of conflicted emotions about. A war hero and also someone who was physically abused and turned around and physically abused some of his kids. A larger than life character who was beloved and also hurt a lot of people. It says a lot about him that he could do some of the horrible things he did and yet he was so admired and deeply loved. It blows my mind. I got to simply love and admire him... .He never harmed me in anyway. I knew he was complex, but for me he was great, but even that is complicated for some of his own kids to witness... .some of them have processed that better than others... .

I had no playbook for a response to these folks being there, no one in my family did. I did me, they did them. I was raised to be loving and welcoming and... .I mean, this kid had no say in what his mother did with my grandfather, and... .oh, gosh, I can't even talk this all out, the complexity of how this hit everyone.

I will just say that I pulled on that notion of "be kind whenever possible, it is always possible." I acted based on compassion. I chose to make this obviously hurt, grieving person feel as welcome as I could because I could see his genuine pain and love for my grandfather... .knowing that I was taking a giant risk with some in my family by doing so... .A big divide opened up... .old, old wounds over my grandparents relationship that have been festering for decades... .I chose to be kind because I believe in kindness. A few of us were welcoming, others began losing it... .but these folks stayed through the service... .even the child of this young man got up and spoke and said what my grandfather meant to her, and she also claimed him as a grandfather... .Sigh... I have to say I admired her braveness and I told her so. I stayed and sat next to this man, who was too afraid to get up and speak himself, with good reason, and let him share with me what my grandfather meant to him. I chose to listen in a loving way, to be present with him and on behalf of my grandfather let him grieve... .I put my arm around his shoulder in a sign that surely offended some in my family... .But what do you do in the face of pain but call on your belief system and tools to guide you?

Later this issue erupted again at my aunt's house, and it erupted again today at the burial service... .the raw emotions over this... .I am mentally just... .as my mom reminded us during the drive to the burial service "this shall pass... ."

But, damn... .I just... .It's been a nightmare. And now I am going back to my usual inconsistent/unsupportive environment. I long for a space away from all this drama that people in my life are creating, all of the storms of these other people's drama that keep blowing through... .and I just want to be alone. I just want a space for me to think and plan and rebuild. I wish so much I could just be by myself. I know that we are all interconnected and there is no escaping these problems... .I know this will all settle down again... .but... .I just want a quiet, peaceful day where I don't feel like a character in a soap opera... .I want to just be a monk on a cushion on a hill somewhere... .meditating and being peaceful... .I want to be myself.

I was. I made a big decision in the face of all this. I was just kind and loving and compassionate and accepting and understanding because that is what I know and where I feel I am doing the right thing that allows me to live with myself... .I did this in the face of getting yelled at, and insulted and I am just blown away by it all... .

Okay, so what is my joy today? I had some nice food... .and some hugs and made some people laugh and I got to laugh... .and nice conversations despite all this... .good connections with the more peaceful and centered family members... .and that is enough. That and a little sleep would make this a great day. Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

Pearls, what an amazing story. You were so kind and compassionate to these people who, despite the risk, came to grieve this man they knew also as a grandfather.

You said this, and I wanted to pull this out of your whole post and put it here:

I just want a space for me to think and plan and rebuild

What can you do to create this space for yourself? Because I completely agree - you need that kind of space.
 
What can you do to make that happen?

[pearlsw]

Hey DaddyBear, Thanks for the reply! Interesting question... .I have the hours on the plane... .I hope for the slowest plane ride ever just to have that extra alone time. When I get there it will be intense, in one way or another - whether I am in his black and white world. After that I do not know... .he's recently out of work and so he'll be around all the time... .that is why I have little time here - he's always around!

What I want to contemplate is what would it look like if break with him (in response to his endless cycle of breakups). I honestly don't know how to break up with someone with BPD. I feel even further trapped. I am struggling with how, if I did this, if I stopped fighting to stay together... .and just said "yes" what his response would be. Maybe I can get more time alone by starting to ride my bike again - when weather allows. .

thank you so much! ~ pearl.

[Notwendy]

Pearls - in your posts, you have mentioned wanting some time to yourself to contemplate the relationship and wanting a slower plane ride = wanting more time.

We speak a lot here about listening to our own needs and how we tend to betray them by doing things due to FOG and not our true wishes ( in order to avoid dysregulations)

You can choose to delay the trip back. Sure- there will be consequences ( he would be upset) and maybe there is some family drama, but in your own country you have more choices. You also mentioned that you had family members who would be supportive to you as well.

More time does not equal break up. I am not suggesting that. I am seeing the wish for more time in your posts. If you were eager to get back to the relationship, you would feel that and instead, what seems to show on your posts is that you don't feel ready- you wish for some more time.

Be kind wherever possible can also include you.

[pearlsw]

Hi Notwendy,   Thank you. I am heading to the airport in a couple of hours. After the drama at the visitation... .I want as far away from my family as possible for awhile. All the options I had set up here to come back are effectively on hold for now, if not lost. That's how serious this stuff was. Hopefully no one else dies anytime soon. I don't know how to get space to think, but I will find it. If I am not living at my residence overseas I'd lose my job and for now I need my job. I think the "space" I need will have to come while bike riding... .that's about the only time I can carve out for myself. I got some of the stuff out into the open with some of my relatives, but I just am so tired, as an introvert of not having quiet, alone time to think and make plans for myself.

[pearlsw]

Well, I have some space for a few days. He had to make a unplanned trip to a neighboring country where his kids live to deal with a problem related to them (school issues their mother isn't equipped or interested in bothering to deal with he says)... .But he's keeping me on a short leash. He called up and just made some sort of power/control bluff... .Accused me of video chatting with someone. I wasn't. I had just given a lesson over the telephone to a student, but he likes to bluff/scare/wield his power over the internet and phone system over me. He wants me nearby via phone and computer at all times he says without saying it.

Sadly for him, this goes against me wanting to be with him in the long run... .but honestly, I need some help sorting stuff out.

I recently, apparently, "saved" our relationship. I guess.(?) We haven't really talked about it since before I left on my (horrible/traumatic) trip on the 25th. And he's made no break up threats since, but I still can't tell if we've actually reconciled or not. He always seems to manage this in a way that makes it seem as if I have no choice in this. I guess "we" made it past one hurdle. He had to give up this apartment by the last day of the month or (I have no idea) there is another year long lease. (?)

To be honest, I am afraid to ask him much about what he is thinking because I don't want to rock the boat after all I've been through in the last month and some change... .I also am less inclined than ever before to go down with the Titanic here... .I'll bring it up at some point, but I am so worn out by this last cycle and the shocking/uncomfortable funeral stuff... .

So, I need to think about what about this relationship is still working for me... .and how I can guide it in a better/healthy direction if I keep doing it. I need to find my support system again. I would be willing to be a bit of a caretaker if he wasn't so jealous and controlling... .that is one of the worst parts for me... .I don't know how to stay in love with him... .I don't know how to feel strongly enough towards him to merit us doing this. He knocks my feelings down and I rebuild, but then you remember they are just gonna get knocked down again and again. I hate not even knowing if I am in a relationship or not based on his moods... .

I feel trapped by the family stuff, like other options have dried up for me perhaps... .or would just be so much work - to be around them I mean. I think I finally figured out what is "wrong" with my aunts/uncles/mom... .they are abuse victims... .and they are traumatized. They seem to do fine mostly, they are a tough bunch, but geez. My generation of the family is better off somehow, but not out of the woods with the legacy handed down to us... .

[Radcliff]

Pearls, thank you for sharing so much with us.  I am so deeply impressed with your compassion for that man, and for your courage in acting regardless of the potential consequences to you.  Others saw your example, and will learn from it.  You are teaching kindness and love.

I'm glad you're sharing so much here -- you are not alone!

Perhaps global warming will bring you some bike riding weather a little sooner this year 

 

WW

[pearlsw]

Hey WW,

I'd get out on the bike if it would get back up into the 40's at least. I am a bit under the weather and pushing myself to eat now... .we'll see. Thanks for the kindness. I don't know when/how to approach my family. That was so too much for all... .I still can't believe that happened! But like my experience with break up threats (I thought I was the only one going through those before I crash landed here) I'm betting I'm not the only one this site who has experienced a dysfunctional funeral either.  

take care & thanks, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Hey WW,

I'd get out on the bike if it would get back up into the 40's at least. I am a bit under the weather and pushing myself to eat now... .we'll see. Thanks for the kindness. I don't know when/how to approach my family. That was so too much for all... .I still can't believe that happened! But like my experience with break up threats (I thought I was the only one going through those before I crash landed here) I'm betting I'm not the only on this site who has experienced a dysfunctional funeral either.  

take care & thanks, pearl.

I would send out some gentle, warm e-mails to all involved now, not even mentioning the drama.  Not asking for reconciliation or anything (not pulling).  Just warm enough for the situation.  Especially to any who might be able to help you with any rebuilding, though don't mention that, of course.  Then let it sit for a while.  Let that simple, warm e-mail be the last word between you before it sits for a while, instead of the memories of what happened.  You are a warm, loving person, not into drama.  Play that role to a "T"

WW

[JoeBPD81]

Wow Pearl!

You did great, because you are great. Just when you thought you had your cup full of drama, they served you a whole new menu.

This has remind me of the story of Saint Christopher. Many stories here do, and the story of Job too. Saint Christopher, they say, was a giant of a man, and he helped people to cross a river. He helped a kid and the river grew, and the kid was heavier and heavier... .But he didn't give up, his legs and back were going to break, but he didn't give up. Later the kid told him He was Jesus, and the weight Christopher felt, was the weight of the world.

That sometimes gives me strenght. God will send me things that would feel like they're going to crush me, but He has faith in me enough to think I will reach the other side of the river. Without being crushed.

I believe in sacrifice. But I don't believe in sacrifice as the reason for living. I mean, it is good to have faith, a motivation or conviction enough to be able to take work and suffering to do the right thing. But it can develop in a "Saint complex", and suffer for the wrong reasons.

So, I believe in balance. I don't think only a RS (with family, a friend or a partner) that has no suffering is valid. But we have to be aware that there is some good to balance the bad.

I'm not a religious person, I used to be, and I grew up in a very catholic home, reading the Bible and lives of Saints every night. So it is there, in my value system.


The part that applies to you (the rest are my thought going stray), is that you did the right thing, the kind thing, even as the weight of the drama kept pushing you to not do it. Even as you feel now that you are on the verge of not being able to take one more ounce.

Maybe one day I'll tell you about my dysfuctional funeral.

[pearlsw]

Hi Joe,

Well, thanks! Ah, you're so sweet!   A whole new menu! hahahaha. Yes, indeed!  

Please do share about that funeral if you have time, here is fine, or elsewhere... .I am adjusting day by day but any support around that particular issue is much appreciated!   

Thank you for sharing these stories, I like to draw inspiration from anywhere I can find it. 

I agree with you wholeheartedly, I don't have to martyr myself to this cause... .I am just trying to give it my all... .it is hard to look into the face of someone I know genuinely loves me but simply cannot get it together and is simply not the best relationship partner one could have. It's tragic for us both I feel like. If I were to leave him I know it would destroy his dreams, he's said it many times, but... .he has to help make life with him better, bearable. I don't need it to be perfect, or even great, I can take less, it is an illness afterall, but I just wish it was less exasperating... .less painful... .less hurtful. I bounce back fairly well, but my love will not be able to endlessly bounce back and I will want to be free if something does not change soon... .