I wrote a letter to my ex. Did you? What did you say? How did it go?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I wrote a letter to my ex about a week after it ended.  In it I discussed my failings in the relationship, how I enjoyed our time together, and how I was going to use this experience as a tool to improve myself in my future relationships.

I regretted sending it about 2 weeks later when I realized he'd very likely been cheating on me.  When I accused him of cheating (and in my defense there were no nasty words, just sadness - pathetic) he used the DEEPLY personal things I admitted to him in my letter as ammunition against me.  It cut me to the core.  It takes a certain kind of person to use someone's vulnerable secrets as a weapon against them.  I still care deeply for him, but my respect for him died that day.

Don't do it.

[araneina]

I wrote a letter to my ex about a week after it ended.  In it I discussed my failings in the relationship, how I enjoyed our time together, and how I was going to use this experience as a tool to improve myself in my future relationships.

I regretted sending it about 2 weeks later when I realized he'd very likely been cheating on me.  When I accused him of cheating (and in my defense there were no nasty words, just sadness - pathetic) he used the DEEPLY personal things I admitted to him in my letter as ammunition against me.  It cut me to the core.  It takes a certain kind of person to use someone's vulnerable secrets as a weapon against them.  I still care deeply for him, but my respect for him died that day.

Don't do it.

[In a bad way]

I spent four months composing a letter which I sent, I sent it so it required a signature so I knew it wasn't lost in the post.
You can check the signature on line and while it was signed in her name it was not her writing, I know who's it was but that's another story.
That was 15 months ago and I still feel like crap, I never did hear from her.
It's actually a bit irrelevant whether she got it or read it because and the end of the day I have not heard from her.
She knew full well what state she left me in and I've never even had an "are you okay?" off her.
This is the woman who when I last saw her was wearing my ring and planning a future.
She is just cold, how can someone just never contact the person they were going to marry?
It's not human and something I will never get my head around.
My advice now is don't send it, but if someone would have told me that back then I wouldn't have listened.

[toomanydogs]

She is just cold, how can someone just never contact the person they were going to marry?
It's not human and something I will never get my head around.

Uh yeah. This so resonates. My H left after a 10-year-marriage, filed for divorce, I countered with a request for a year of marriage counseling, so even he still wanted out, it would be easier on both of us (or at least me). No answer.

I will have no closure. Ever.

Words (and I'm a writer) will never be able to capture the damage this man inflicted. As I've written before, the only thing harder than being married to him is trying to wade through this divorce.

It is Monday and I am too exhausted to face the week,
TMD

[blooming]

I sent him a postcard on what should have been our anniversary saying how happy I was to have spent all that time with him, despite how the last few months (lots of trying again and breaking up and him saying very hurtful things) have been. And that how much it hurts now only means how good our time had been together. And that I'll miss him and wish him all the best and I just hope that he will be happy. And also that I hope we wouldn't be out of eachothers lives completely and that I'll always be there for him and didn't want to lose him.

Pretty heartfelt stuff. He never replied. Still hasn't contacted me. It hurts.

[Jeffree]

he used the DEEPLY personal things I admitted to him in my letter as ammunition against me

Letter, conversation, body language, intonations, made up stuff... .it makes no difference to them. Everything is fair game in their war to take no accountability for what they do.

BTW, I've never really wrote her an official goodbye letter. I have sent many a goodbye text calling her out on her bull and letting her know I am on to her now and to leave me alone.

She typically responds that she feels sorry for me, takes no ownership about the transgressions I point to, and almost acts as though she's above it all.

J

[araneina]

he used the DEEPLY personal things I admitted to him in my letter as ammunition against me

Letter, conversation, body language, intonations, made up stuff... .it makes no difference to them. Everything is fair game in their war to take no accountability for what they do.

BTW, I've never really wrote her an official goodbye letter. I have sent many a goodbye text calling her out on her bull and letting her know I am on to her now and to leave me alone.

She typically responds that she feels sorry for me, takes no ownership about the transgressions I point to, and almost acts as though she's above it all.

J

I was so confused about this thread as I didn't remember making a topic like this, but it looks like it's just an old thread that got overposted on or something.

Anyhow... .the letter I wrote my ex was kind of ridiculous (in fact he used that very word - ridiculous).  It was WAY too long and way too apologetic.  It's just... .our communication sucked and it was the only way I could get out so many things I had wanted to say to him in person.  But I do regret it, and if I could take it back I would.  I absolved him of WAY too much responsibility in my letter.

But yes - in the end he used things I had said, almost verbatim, as weaponry against me.  It really, really hurt.  But now, having more clarity, I look back on things he told me he did in previous relationships, things he said with absolutely no shame because he felt his actions were justifiable, and cringe.

[crushedagain]

I have written half a dozen brutally honest emails, but NEVER SENT THEM and deleted them. It was a way for me to get things out I wanted to say to her, then trash them. I think that silence is the best way. In fact, she made last communication and that's the way it will stay. She's the one who disappeared and brought all the drama, let her mind wonder.

[stixx44]

I, too, have written some emails that I never sent.  They did make me feel somewhat better.

Just three days ago I started writing a letter that I was going to send through the mail.  I thought that might be more personal to her.

But then I got a grip.  She doesn’t respond to things like that as a normal person would.  And I know that whatever I wrote would fall on deaf ears.

So I’ve decided to just stick with no contact.  28 days today... .but who’s counting?

[Idsrvt2]

I wrote what I thought was a compassionate loving text after he dumped me cold and I blew up his phone... .he threatened an RO and I said go right ahead and I will do the same... .he then changed his stance and tried to reach out to me, my family said to ignore him... .only one family member thought he would file the RO anyway.
So when he asked me via text what he should do... .I told him he needed to seek help in house someplace ... .  he was already in day one  of therapy and told me he thought he had a personality disorder and depression... .I regret not calling him and it haunts me still.

I don't know why he took out the RO other than a post I found a few weeks ago in a blog basically implying he found someone else.  

What has been the most difficult for me is my health is worse now and this time last year we were together , out and about l enjoyed being with him, but he never would believe that , his mind wouldn't allow it.   He also delivers my mail and suddenly now opens my porch door just like he used to do ... . it hurts not being able to talk to someone ... .I try to focus on me, but some days are difficult... .I do have a msg I composed but won't send it.   He knows my health is worse and I'm just letting this all play out
I've made sure that he has not seen me in months ... .let him wonder, my social media is silent    In the end he chose an online game over me

[Pretty Woman]

I never reached out after the final discard nor did I reply to her two emails sending me my ticket info for a major trip we both supposed to go on. I already had the info. My lack of reaction turned me into public enemy one and while she cheated on me and is now engaged to my replacement, I am the bad guy in her head and someone to continually slander.

In the past if I reached out after a sudden breakup from her (oh and there were about 13 in the 3yrs we were together) I'd get threatened with a RO, especially if there were a replacement. This is a terrible disorder, you cannot have an adult rational conversation with a BPD. It is safer to write a letter to yourself and rip it up, seriously. When they leave you, in their heads you are a dangerous threat and there is nothing you can do but move on and heal, you won't ever be able to change their distorted view of you and that's OK. To try will only make them feel more threatened and they will lash out.

[Maxpax2011]

The last conversation I had with my exBPD was not completely terrible, she still blamed me for everything, had to brag about how wonderful my replacement was, he's the love of her life, and he is what she has been missing all these years blah blah blah, she had been flaunting him on social media at this point, showing the world she found her soul mate. But I did not bite on the games and simply told her I wish her the best and I am glad she found a guy who could give her what I couldn't. She didn't respond to that which was odd, she read it as I got the notification on my phone, but seemed odd that she suddenly stopped responding. I ended up blocking her and the new guy as I wanted to be away from all that social media drama. Anyways a few days after I felt the need to send a letter, or something to finally get closure. However on New Years Eve I received a notification from an odd Facebook profile, it looked like a dummy one with no profile picture. The I received a message describing in obscene details of their sex life, I knew it was them, who else would do it haha, the exact words were: SHE LOVES MY !@##. For the hell of it I had a friend look at their Facebook's to see what was going on with them, and they were out at some bar posting pics and having a grand time, they also shared a post about someone stalking them, which I know was directed at me. So I can only assume they were drunk and wanted to play a prank on me. So that is when I deactivated my account and have not been on since. I never reacted to it, or contacted her after that, it's been over 5 weeks of no contact. As for a letter, she does not deserve any reaction out of me, good or bad, she only deserves my silence, and that is what she will get for the rest of her life. She has several of her exes on her Facebook that I noticed when we were dating, as some type of trophy thing. But not this ex, she will never have any involvement in my life ever again, including social media. So the lesson I learned is, if you want closure? Give yourself closure. If you want to reach out to them? Write down all the things you did for them in the relationship and how they treated you in return. If you still want to write a letter? Chances are it will fall on deaf ears and you will feel worse than you do now. Cut them off, and move on. They did it to us, and they deserve the same. Mental illness or not. Deep down they know what they did to us. Most people who are mentally ill have some sense of self awareness of their actions. But they choose to hide like cowards, and make us out to be crazy. Let it go and find someone who actually loves you for you, and wants you to be happy.