Need Help understanding BPD and to learn how to better our lives

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone!

My partner has recently been diagnosed with BPD and since then he has been in a much better place. However recently he's starting to show signs of his old self and that's gottgen me quite scared. I love him with all my heart but I constantly don't feel good enough, I'm always in the worng or doing something wrong and we just fight a lot.

We're recently enagaged and I have no intention to break up with him but I'm starting to feel like he doesn't love me anymore. He even told me the other night that he doesn't believe me sometimes when I tell him how much I love him. I could go on but I won't.

I'm here becasue I just started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and already I'm relating to everything that's been said. I'm literally in tears reading this.

I want help. I want to understand BPD and learn how to bettr our lives.

[ScaredEmotional]

Hi everyone!

My partner has recently been diagnosed with BPD and since then he has been in a much better place. However recently he's starting to show signs of his old self and that's gottgen me quite scared. I love him with all my heart but I constantly don't feel good enough, I'm always in the worng or doing something wrong and we just fight a lot.

We're recently enagaged and I have no intention to break up with him but I'm starting to feel like he doesn't love me anymore. He even told me the other night that he doesn't believe me sometimes when I tell him how much I love him. I could go on but I won't.

I'm here becasue I just started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and already I'm relating to everything that's been said. I'm literally in tears reading this.

I want help. I want to understand BPD and learn how to bettr our lives.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome. You've come to the right place!

A BPD person will always feel incomplete and unlovable. Knowing that he has BPD won’t change that.

A BPD person will blame YOU for their problems, because that’s easier than having to admit that they are wrong.

A BPD person has a burning desire to be loved, but no matter how much you love them, they will never FEEL loved. They will never understand WHY you love them. They live every day WANTING that feeling of connection and safety, but live every day in fear that you will reject them. So often they push you away first, to lessen the pain they expect to feel when you push THEM away.

Getting engaged, or married, or anything that shows commitment is emotionally difficult for them, because it conflicts with their inner view that they are unloveable. (And nothing you say or do can every change that view).

This website has a LARGE amount of information, and the people are more than willing to answer questions. Reading “Stop walking on eggshells” is a great start. Search the sidebar on the right -> for Validation, JADE, and SET. They are 3 great starting tools.

Post lots of questions. Read lots.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi ScaredEmotional - welcome to the family. I want to second ArleighBurke and say you've certainly come to the right place!

I know exactly what you mean when you describe how connected and emotional you felt when reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. That's how I found this site and the thousands of members who have been there, too.

You mentioned wanting to learn more about BPD - this link will help you learn more about the very confusing behaviors we see. It's part of our collection of tools located on the right hand side of this page.

You also said you wanted to better your lives, which is awesome and something we can absolutely help with. Can you name a couple things you might like to better in yourself or in your relationship?

[ScaredEmotional]

Thanks ArleighBurke and DaddyBear77, it's nice to know that I'm not alone and that there are people out there who know what I'm going through as well as what my partner is having to deal with. It's good to have people to speak to about it as well. The tools you've both suggested have really proved helpful ain my understanding of how I can improve in my reactions and helping him to "calm down".

I guess what I'd llike to better in myself is my reaction, I can be a little firey and emotional when he says some nasty things or gets angry over a facial expression he tinks I've made. Reading Eggshells and the articles and tools and posts on this site have made me see just what I need to work on and how to respond to my partner, which is great for me. But I'd also like to learn to better communicate my feelings of hurt to him without triggering or upsetting him. Ultimately I'd like to him to express more positive emotions to know that he really does me because sometimes I wonder if he really does. I know that being distant and disconnected is all part of BPD but how do I communicate with him that this is how I'm feeling without triggering him?

We're going throuh a rough patch of late and it's hard to put on a smile around him as I'm literally walking on eggshells but I have no intention of going anywhere and I let him know that reguarly.

Apologies for the incoherent rambling. I have so many emotions going through me at the moment it's hard to articulate. I just want to learn so much more so I can understand and better communicate with him and make him feel loved and to know I'm not going to abandon him.

[ArleighBurke]

I can be a little firey and emotional when he says some nasty things or gets angry over a facial expression he thinks I've made

Quite understandable. The BIGGEST thing to remember is that (despite his choice of words) he is NOT telling you that “you made a bad face” – he is actually saying “it FEELS like you made a bad face”. This is a big difference. The conversation is about HIM, not YOU. So telling him that you didn’t make a bad face means nothing to him – because that’s not the problem. The problem is he feels bad because of <whatever excuse this time>. This is when the SET technique helps. Sympathy and Empathy: “I’m sorry you feel bad. Thinking your partner was angry at you must feel horrible.”  Truth: “I think that’s actually my tired face”. Depending on their level of emotion, sometime SET is not appropriate – sometimes you need to repeat the SE loop a few time before you throw in the T.

Ultimately I'd like to him to express more positive emotions to know that he really does love me because sometimes I wonder if he really does.

Yeah – that would be nice. It probably won’t happen – you may need to “read between the lines” a lot and find your own strength/comfort. Many people on this site have asked if BPDs are even capable of love. Personally I think they are - in their own way.

But I'd also like to learn to better communicate my feelings of hurt to him without triggering or upsetting him.

This is tricky. Perhaps the good use of Boundaries? Boundaries are behaviours/rules that you apply TO YOU, in order to protect yourself. So perhaps: “*I* refuse to listen to hurtful things you say. So when you start being hurtful, I will move into a different room until you can talk positively with me again.” The only aim of this is to protect you. However, there is a chance that it will also change his behaviour (but do NOT impose boundaries in the hope to change his behaviour – they are there for YOU).

[ArleighBurke]

I just want to ... .make him feel loved and to know I'm not going to abandon him

I don't think you can. Their entire self is based on the idea/belief that they are unlovable, and will therefore be abandoned.

I don't know if the rules for a BPD husband are the same as a BPD wife. For husbands with a BPD wife, I would say to be their rock. Allow them to be the whirlwind, but you stay steady and true. She will learn she can depend on you because no matter how turbulent she gets, you stay true, solid, and safe.

Is this the same for a BPD husband? Perhaps. A BPD is emotionally a child. So I'm guessing he needs a mum/carer? So you need to allow him to be "him", yet also have strong boundaries and rules. He needs to know your limits, and your limits of him. You need to be clear in your communications, expectations and behaviours, and provide him "unconditional love". Not being a pushover, but caring.

[ScaredEmotional]

Is this the same for a BPD husband? Perhaps. A BPD is emotionally a child. So I'm guessing he needs a mum/carer? So you need to allow him to be "him", yet also have strong boundaries and rules. He needs to know your limits, and your limits of him. You need to be clear in your communications, expectations and behaviours, and provide him "unconditional love". Not being a pushover, but caring.

That's exactly the role I feel like I've taken on, his mum/carer. Which doesn't bother me too much because that's very much my natural instinct but I do at times feel like he's taking me for granted.

One of the biggest issues I have is learning how to set boundaries without upsetting him. I'm someone that needs to solve things immediately and reading some posts on here i see that isn't always the best way to solve things with someone who has BPD. However if I walk out of the room like you said above, I feel like this would make things worse and he will just go days without talking to me. He has told me before (before he was diagnosed when he was a much angrier person) that when he's in one of his moods he wants me to go away but then gets angry if I do or wants me to stay but he doesn't want me anywhere near him. He's aware of this as he pointed this out to me. But being the carer that I am, I always stay and we just sit in silence. I know he doesn't mean this and I hope that my staying helps him realising that that's my way of showing him that I'm not going anywhere.

Yeah – that would be nice. It probably won’t happen – you may need to “read between the lines” a lot and find your own strength/comfort. Many people on this site have asked if BPDs are even capable of love. Personally I think they are - in their own way.

He has told me that his way of showing love is by our feet touching in bed or holding hands in bed and even just cuddling in bed and he does all these things. But as selfish as this sounds, I need more than that. Not much more but just enough to know. Like if he told me he loved me firs instead of just replying, or if he came up to me and kissed me instead of always being the reciever. I don;t know. Sometimes I get frustrated that we have to change all of our ways and thinking to accomodate our pwBPD. And I know that might seem like a horrible thing to say and may seem selfish and by no means want to upset anyone but there's two people in this relationship. I want to do everything that I possibly can to make his life easier and manageable but shouldn't I count as well?

[ArleighBurke]

how to set boundaries without upsetting him

... .might not be possible. Like telling a 5yr old he can't have ice cream for dessert. Is there a good way?

... .that when he's in one of his moods he wants me to go away but then gets angry if I do or wants me to stay but he doesn't want me anywhere near him

This is the constant push/pull that the BPD feels. They desperately want your love and to be held and be safe, but they fear being engulfed/controlled/being too close. One technique is to state a limit on how long you will be away for. "I am going into the next room - and I will come back in 10minutes"

But being the carer that I am, I always stay and we just sit in silence

If it was your 6yr old child who'd just had a dummy spit, would you do the same? Or would you go and do <something>. Tidy up, dishes, something "closeby" but productive. Invite him to join you perhaps... .?

I worry that by sitting silent with him, you are entering his "frame" - you are implicitly agreeing that his mood is "valid/true". Again this is more husband with BPD wife advice, but I would suggest that you need to show him that YOUR mood and actions are NOT dictated by him. Just like it would be dealing with a 6yr old child. You can empathise, sympathise, and try to listen/help him, but you are a separate person. YOU choose your own mood and actions.

[ScaredEmotional]

This is the constant push/pull that the BPD feels. They desperately want your love and to be held and be safe, but they fear being engulfed/controlled/being too close. One technique is to state a limit on how long you will be away for.

I literally just came back from my lunch break where I read a chapter on abandonment/engulfment on Stop Walking on Eggshells. This book is really opening my eyes to those who live with BPD and I see my partner throughout.

I worry that by sitting silent with him, you are entering his "frame" - you are implicitly agreeing that his mood is "valid/true". Again this is more husband with BPD wife advice, but I would suggest that you need to show him that YOUR mood and actions are NOT dictated by him. Just like it would be dealing with a 6yr old child. You can empathise, sympathise, and try to listen/help him, but you are a separate person. YOU choose your own mood and actions.

This is actually really sound advice. Before his diagnosis and my research about BPD, I often thought to myself (never said it to him) that he could act quite child like in his tantrums and compulsivness and not liking being told what to do (like saving money!) and now I realise that there is a reason for that. I'm hoping now that I understand this a little better and with your advice, I'll be able to handle myself in a better way than before and hopefully difuse the situation faster. That being said, it can sometimes be hard to remember that I'm allowed to look out for myself and my feelings because I've spent so much time looking after his and being made to feel like my feelings and emotions don't matter.

I must say though after having done some of my own research and reading, I do feel better equipped to handle the situations and I also feel more positive. I know it will take time, patience and energy but it will all be worth it in the end.

[ArleighBurke]

I love your attitude!

It is certainly difficult - I thought after I learnt about BPD, and read all the books, that I would be able to be the perfect husband and that I could manage my BPD wife to be "normal". That doesn't work. Your partner will always have BPD, and may deregulate often. But the tools and techniques you learn stop you from making the situation worse, may possible help him deal with it better, but overall they allow YOU to keep your sanity.

Looking after yourself is always #1.