Physically Abusive Pregnant uBPDexgf

[Alprofit]

I will try to keep this as condensed as possible. My 4 month pregnant uBPDexgf started becoming more and more verbally and physically abusive. We met in Aug '17. Since then, I've been charmed/recycled at least 4 times since then. The pattern went like this:

1st break-up lasted 8 hours, after she physically attacked me in the backseat of an uber coming  home from an Octoberfest event. Gave her the benefit of the doubt and charged it to the alcohol consumed at the event and took her back.

2nd break-up lasts 3 days, again after being physically attacked, I queued up the movie "What Dreams May Come" on Amazon Prime and she threw a shyt storm. I was unaware of BPD at the time. Turns into my 1st crazy making experience because I was just bewildered by her overaction. I stumble upon this board in the aftermath of the fallout trying to make sense of what happened.

3rd break-up lasts 5 days. She goes to a work meeting Meeting is near my work. Her meeting gets cancelled. She calls me saying she's stranded. I drop everything to go pick her up. I arrive to her location and she begins to yell at and berate me in public. I leave without her, pissed, and tell her I think it best we end things. She apologizes for lashing out at me.

4th break-up lasts 2 weeks. She leaves at 3pm to go to therapy. Texts me at 11pm asking if I can come pick her up from a bar. I ignore the text. Texts me again at 1am saying she's found a ride and is on her way to my house. I respond to that text and tell her "no, it's too late in the evening" and to hit me up the following day. She shows up anyway banging on my door like a maniac.

This break-up, still in process. Moved her in after she told me she was pregnant. She's been here for roughly 3 weeks. Gets mad and starts throwing objects at me over the most trivial things. Starts breaking my things. Starts hurling insults at me. Starts making threats how I'll never see the baby. I tell her I question the paternity anyway. She physically attacks me in response, calls one of her male friends to come get her, and leaves. As a result of her attack, I sustain a cut on my ear, a bite to my arm, a ruptured eardrum, and a concussion. I wind up having to go the emergency room for treatment.

Meanwhile she tells her mom and family that it was I that jumped on her and kicked her in stomach. Because of the extent of my injuries, the police are summoned to take a statement after I tell the hospital staff what happened. A police report is filed.

Is this just hopeless? Feels like it this go round. She told her family and friends I kicked her in the stomach and put her out in the middle of winter. Who wants to be that guy?

Anyway, she and her mother texted me to never contact them again after they found out a police report had been filed.

Questions, comments, advice, any dialogue are all welcome at this point.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi Alprofit,

Oh my! You have been through quite a lot since August! It's good that you are tracking this stuff so carefully and taking it seriously. Because you filed a police report on her she (and her mom) no longer want you to contact her?

Indeed. If I was a guy, I would not want to be "that guy". That is not a good place to be.

What are you hoping to see happen now? Had you had discussions about co-parenting prior to this? Any post-baby discussions?

Sorry you are having such a hard time!

warmly, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Alprofit,

I'm sorry to hear about the situation, but am glad you have found us.  I'm particularly sorry that you suffered a concussion and other injuries.  I hope you are healing well. 

It sounds like you've done some research on BPD, which is great.  The next step is to do some research on domestic violence.  I would suggest you start with this bpdfamily article on BPD and physical abuse, which also links through to this bpdfamily topic on domestic violence for men.

Then follow up with a call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.  Give them a rundown of the situation and see what they say.  They will offer to refer you to local resources in your area.

Most people think that domestic violence primarily affects women.  Crime studies tend to support this view.  But women tend to inflict less damage on men (your gf being the exception) and men are less likely to report.  Studies that randomly survey large populations show that women are abusive just as often as men.  You are not alone.

This may seem like a whole lot of work, and you may be understandably reluctant to talk about what's happened, but your gf is dishing out some pretty serious stuff, and investing some time to get informed will be very worthwhile.  Do not go it alone.

What do you want to do?  If the relationship can be saved, do you want to try for that?  Do you want to parent the baby?  Do you want to find out for sure whether you are the father?

WW

[GaGrl]

Her behavior sounds as if this relationship might not be the first in which she has been abusive and violent.

Can you get someone (private investigator) to research if she has had other instances of violence -- charges, arrests, convictions?

[Alprofit]

I guess if she carries the baby to term and it does turn out that I'm the father then I'll support it. Right now, I'm completely cut off from her and that bothers me a little because there is that probability that it could be mine. Everybody keeps telling me she'll resurface once the dust settles a little bit, but I'm not too certain about that either. She really went over the top this last time. As far as the possibility of reconciling the relationship, I am uncertain on that one too. I don't know if I can handle her ever intensifying extinction bursts whenever I try to set boundaries.

[pearlsw]

Hi Alprofit,

I hear ya! The times I've tried to set boundaries lately set off extinction bursts of a size and level pain that outpaced all the previous pain. Folks will really up the ante sometimes!

I don't know the law around this at all... .are you looking into it? Around paternity I mean. My sense is she names you the birth certificate... .well... .you see where I am heading... .have you spoken with a lawyer? Gotten any guidance on this tough issue?

wishing you well, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Alprofit,

Deciding whether to have another go at the relationship is a big decision. Take your time.

I echo pearlsw's suggestion to talk to a lawyer.  A good lawyer should be able to fill you in on what you need to know initially in a 30-60 minute initial conversation.  That will give you an idea of what their plan would be.  Before reaching out to them, you might want to Google, "establishing paternity in [YOUR STATE]" to get in initial understanding.

WW

[Alprofit]

Hello Family,

Well I have an update from my last post. For those unfamiliar you can read it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320382.0

I got a text from my pregnant uBPD ex Saturday in the form of an ultrasound and revised due date. I have to admit the ultrasound tugged at my heartstrings to the point of eventually texting her back saying that I won't walk away from my family if I can help it.

She responded with all the gaslights on 10. Everything was my fault. Now she's saying she needs to see some changes before considering returning to the relationship. If not for the baby, I'm actually in no rush to have her back or at all for that matter.

So basically, in essence, she wants me to change nothing because I did nothing. Is she stalling for more time or what? None of this makes sense to me. Please, any insights are welcome.

[Tattered Heart]

I merged your two threads to keep an easy to read timeline going.

I'm sorry that your gf is being confusing. What kinds of changing is she requiring of you? Are they reasonable?

I've found that it's often unfruitful to ask why a pwBPD is doing whatever they are doing. The simple answer is they are doing that in the moment because it's what their feelings tell them is true. Feelings=facts and when those feelings change, the facts will change too.

[Alprofit]

She wants me to work on my "anger" issues and to stop being so "controlling". Can you say "projection"? But like you said it's real for her in her mind. Needless to say I had to reluctantly cop to it, lest I be accused of invalidating her once again. I've learned the hard way that calling her out on what she's engaging in only serves to ignite another rage episode. It's just really frustrating having to take responsibility for these kinds of things for the sake of keeping the peace. Work on my anger? Really? I'm not the one around here giving people concussions, ruptured eardrums, and biting people, but okay yeah, I'll get right on that.  

[Radcliff]

She wants me to work on my "anger" issues and to stop being so "controlling". Can you say "projection"? But like you said it's real for her in her mind. Needless to say I had to reluctantly cop to it, lest I be accused of invalidating her once again. I've learned the hard way that calling her out on what she's engaging in only serves to ignite another rage episode. It's just really frustrating having to take responsibility for these kinds of things for the sake of keeping the peace. Work on my anger? Really? I'm not the one around here giving people concussions, ruptured eardrums, and biting people, but okay yeah, I'll get right on that.  

OK, Alprofit, all the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up.  Everyone pause.  No sudden moves.  Listen carefully... .

Your anger issues did not cause you to get a concussion and other injuries.  If you agree with her just to keep the peace, you are doing what's called "validating the invalid."  Validating the invalid can be very disruptive in a nonviolent BPD relationship.  You are basically going out of your way to support a distorted reality, which leads to more trouble.  In a violent BPD relationship, validating the invalid is downright dangerous.

BPD validation rules do not apply when it comes to violence.  Physical safety trumps BPD coping tools any time there is a conflict between the two.  But in this case, there's not even a conflict, since our coping tools tell us not to validate the invalid.  If she is not willing to accept responsibility for being physically safe, you cannot be in the same enclosed space with her.  You must not accept responsibility for her violence.  You must enforce a zero tolerance boundary around violence (and I'm not just talking about concussions, I'm talking about pushing, tripping, bumping, blocking, projectiles, stealing car keys, and other violent or other controlling behaviors).

You need to keep yourself safe, and take care of that baby.  This is a complex situation.  You've chosen not to run away.  But going in without some solid education, a support system, and a fully worked out plan could land you in the hospital or even in jail.  That doesn't do the baby any good.

Did you have a chance to take a look at that domestic violence link I gave you?  What are your thoughts?

WW

[Alprofit]

WW

Duly noted. Dealing with her is a moment to moment negotiation rooted in emotional reasoning compounded by a refusal to take accountability. I, however, do have the bigger picture in mind. Yes, I conceded by validating an invalid assertion on the front end, but it will be re-visited and re-framed downstream to compel her to give concessions with regards to her propensity for physical violence. I did follow up on those links and I have an appointment today to meet with an advocate in my area. Thank you so much for providing me with that information.

[Radcliff]

Dealing with her is a moment to moment negotiation rooted in emotional reasoning compounded by a refusal to take accountability. I, however, do have the bigger picture in mind. Yes, I conceded by validating an invalid assertion on the front end, but it will be re-visited and re-framed downstream to compel her to give concessions with regards to her propensity for physical violence.

Alprofit, I added the bolding.  It happens that I have a fair amount of recent experience trying to work to get a violent partner to adjust her ways.  Negotiation assumes that the other person is a rational actor.  Negotiation was fruitless.  I tried.  Hard.  Many times.  Removing myself physically from the situation was the only sure thing.  Similarly, I was unable to compel her to do anything.  Take a look at the boundaries links I'll paste below.  We are only able to control our own behavior.  The only things that compelled my wife to do anything were police officers and court orders.

To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries, this thread on scripts for setting boundaries, and this thread on boundary setting examples.

I did follow up on those links and I have an appointment today to meet with an advocate in my area. Thank you so much for providing me with that information.

Outstanding!  That's a big step!  They have a lot to teach, and speaking face-to-face with someone who understands your experience is huge.  Let us know how it goes!  If for some reason it is not as helpful as you hope, try a different organization.  Usually there are several serving a particular area.

Please keep us posted.

WW