4 weeks no contact, should I initiate contact?

[blooming]

Hello everyone!

I'm sorry for not replying to your replies on my post about being recycled, I had a very busy and stressful week and just couldn't find the time or peace to write to you. My head was just too full.

It has now been a month since our break-up and our last contact (haven't heard from him since after the break-up talk, even though I did send him a postcard but he never replied to it). I miss him terribly. Should I contact him to ask him how he's doing? His birthday is at the end of this month and of course I'll send him a birthday message then, but it just feels weird for that to be our first contact again maybe? On the other hand I'm scared that he'll maybe not want to talk to me or will only talk about how good he's doing and how he's not missing me at all. Of course I hope that he'll say the opposite. That he'll say he has done nothing but miss me this past month and wants to reconcile. I just don't know what to do, I just don't understand why he hasn't contacted me yet. Even if it's really over (which I really think it is now), it's still nice to ask your ex how he/she is doing right?

Also, I just applied for a place in the board of the rowing association we were both a member of. I know how much he'll hate me for this if he finds out (which he will because he still has friends who are a member, he himself quit last year). He will paint me very very black, like he used to do to me with all his exes. He will say very mean things about me for doing this. This almost made me not apply, because it is very difficult to know that he thinks of me in that way. I want nothing more than for him to think of me in a nice way, to think back on our relationship as something good, to think of me as a good person. But I know I shouldn't let him define my actions anymore, like I have done a lot in the past. It's just hard.

[heartandwhole]

Hi blooming,

It sounds like you'd like to reconcile, which is very understandable. Is that the case?

If so, you'll want to post on a different board where you can learn tools to help your relationship.

heartandwhole

[blooming]

Hi blooming,

It sounds like you'd like to reconcile, which is very understandable. Is that the case?

If so, you'll want to post on a different board where you can learn tools to help your relationship.

heartandwhole

Hi heartandwhole,

My heart wants to reconcile but my head doesn't. And I know it's hopeless because he has detached from our relationship so I should too. It's just that I would love to know how he's doing and miss talking to him.

I actually did post on another board once about if there was any hope of a reconcilitation, but that topic got transferred to this board again, so I think I belong on this board? But I'm not sure.

[heartandwhole]

It's just that I would love to know how he's doing and miss talking to him.

I hear you, blooming. These kinds of breakups are so tough. Was the last contact very conflictual?

A month without contact, and you say that he appears to have detached... .I agree that it might be wise to think about detaching yourself. Which doesn't mean you can't have contact with him at some point, or even be friends.

I totally understand that struggle between head and heart. Letting go isn't easy, but the self-growth we get from it makes it all worth it, in my experience.

In your shoes, I'd wait until his birthday and then just let him know I'm thinking of him.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[FindingMe2011]

My heart wants to reconcile but my head doesn't

My subconscious wants to reconcile, but my conscious does not

It's just that I would love to know how he's doing and miss talking to him.



Also, I just applied for a place in the board of the rowing association we were both a member of. I know how much he'll hate me for this if he finds out (which he will because he still has friends who are a member, he himself quit last year). He will paint me very very black, like he used to do to me with all his exes. He will say very mean things about me for doing this. This almost made me not apply, because it is very difficult to know that he thinks of me in that way.

Can u see the conflicting statements running together?   Not sure how your supposed to find happiness, when you live to make others happy... .Im not so sure, its him you miss, as much as it someone. Codependency can distort ones beliefs, causing ruminations, and false beliefs

It's just hard.]

And maybe a little understanding, on how hard it truly is for ANYONE, to change beliefs... .Its a staple on how mental issues, are passed on to, other generations... .Not much, that is good, comes easy... .and nothing i have ever done, has been more gratifying, than beginning to understand me... .I wish u well, PEACE

[JustNeedToTalk]

I too am a months NC.  Initiated by him, he's blocked me on everything.  We had a very messy break up.  I can email him but I fight the urge everyday.  My last email telling him I was tired of arguing and wished him well went unanswered.  Well I then sent another 2 weeks later as he told me he was moving country to seek professional help and be with his family, then I saw him on a dating app.  So I guess the deep emotional and physical affairs with two different women he had that resulted in us ending were nothing.  Why did you guys break up?  Is it your first time?  Posting on here and talking to others does help.  Happy to talk to you.

I agree with the codependency above.  I have come to the realisation I am codependent and live to make others (loved  ones) happy, almost like I want to rescue them.  I have started therapy, something I never thought I would do, and was so nervous, but I highly recommend.  And, I am equally not embarrassed to say anything on this forum, we are all in or have been in the same pain regardless of age or gender.

[blooming]

I hear you, blooming. These kinds of breakups are so tough. Was the last contact very conflictual?

A month without contact, and you say that he appears to have detached... .I agree that it might be wise to think about detaching yourself. Which doesn't mean you can't have contact with him at some point, or even be friends.

I totally understand that struggle between head and heart. Letting go isn't easy, but the self-growth we get from it makes it all worth it, in my experience.

In your shoes, I'd wait until his birthday and then just let him know I'm thinking of him.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

No the last contact wasn't very conflictual, we parted in good spirits. The last break up talk we had, so after we broke up the third and final (I need to face this, he won't come back) time, was actually one of the best talks we ever had. He really opened up to me, saying how he felt like he could never finish something, how he didn't know how to stay happy with someone, how after max a year something changed inside his head and he didn't know why and he didn't understand it. He said he didn't know why he didn't want to be around me anymore, why I irritated him etc. He said I was very sweet and he said he was sorry for hurting me, for giving me false hope, for saying things that brought me down so much. He said that if he had known how much I was hurting and that I was seeing a psychologist again etc. he would have never put me through another recycle because the chances of it working out that time were very slim. He hugged me and held me and wanted to kiss me (which I refused) and then we said goodbye (after about an hour of me crying and saying how I couldn't understand it and how he had always said that I was different and that he felt at peace around me and that he loved me and I made him so happy and where that feeling had gone? I really thought I was good for him, because I didn't provoke him or got angry back at him). That's the last contact we had. I did send him a card a few days after (on the day that would have been our anniversary) thanking him for our time together and wishing him all the luck in the world and saying I will always be there for him and that I hoped we wouldn't be out of eachothers life compeltely. He didn't reply to that, so I think he doesn't want contact anymore and he's probably already happy with another. Because that's the way he is and has always been. We are still facebook friends and follow eachother on strava (a sports app).

Maybe that's the best, to wait, but I just don't want him to think that I'm already over him or something and I know that on his birthday he'll probably get messages from all of his exes and that just feels a bit weird you know?

[EdR]

I feel like you got an absolutely great closure talk for a pwBPD. I am extremely jealous 

Tbh I think that initiating contact would be extremely hard for any person. Maybe after a year or so feelings will have subsided a little and you could try a Christmas message or something like that.

But anything before that would be just like saying "I want you back asap".

[blooming]

My heart wants to reconcile but my head doesn't

My subconscious wants to reconcile, but my conscious does not

It's just that I would love to know how he's doing and miss talking to him.



Also, I just applied for a place in the board of the rowing association we were both a member of. I know how much he'll hate me for this if he finds out (which he will because he still has friends who are a member, he himself quit last year). He will paint me very very black, like he used to do to me with all his exes. He will say very mean things about me for doing this. This almost made me not apply, because it is very difficult to know that he thinks of me in that way.

Can u see the conflicting statements running together?   Not sure how your supposed to find happiness, when you live to make others happy... .Im not so sure, its him you miss, as much as it someone. Codependency can distort ones beliefs, causing ruminations, and false beliefs

It's just hard.]

And maybe a little understanding, on how hard it truly is for ANYONE, to change beliefs... .Its a staple on how mental issues, are passed on to, other generations... .Not much, that is good, comes easy... .and nothing i have ever done, has been more gratifying, than beginning to understand me... .I wish u well, PEACE

I do think it's him I miss. I miss his jokes, the interesting conversations we had, his smell, his passion for birds and fish and music, I miss him as a friend with whom I could go to concerts and cook delicious vegetarian food with. I miss hiking with him, I miss how happy he would be when he spotted some weird insect. I miss his crazy side, doing head rolls in an empty cinema or suddenly running to me and picking me op and twirling me around in his arms. I miss him sitting by my bedside when I was ill, taking care of me. I miss his sweet words, how he made me feel loved and beautiful. I miss how confident he made me in the beginning. I miss always talking with him, always messaging him first when something happened. I miss him so much.

It is true though that I live to make others happy. It's kind of my way of life. I really need to look into this codependency thing, because people keep bringing it up. Maybe it will help me make sense of the mess inside my head.

[blooming]

I too am a months NC.  Initiated by him, he's blocked me on everything.  We had a very messy break up.  I can email him but I fight the urge everyday.  My last email telling him I was tired of arguing and wished him well went unanswered.  Well I then sent another 2 weeks later as he told me he was moving country to seek professional help and be with his family, then I saw him on a dating app.  So I guess the deep emotional and physical affairs with two different women he had that resulted in us ending were nothing.  Why did you guys break up?  Is it your first time?  Posting on here and talking to others does help.  Happy to talk to you.

I agree with the codependency above.  I have come to the realisation I am codependent and live to make others (loved  ones) happy, almost like I want to rescue them.  I have started therapy, something I never thought I would do, and was so nervous, but I highly recommend.  And, I am equally not embarrassed to say anything on this forum, we are all in or have been in the same pain regardless of age or gender.

Ah I'm sorry to hear you had such a messy break up! I don't think he blocked me, although I haven't initiated contact so I couldn't be certain. We are still facebook friends though. I'm proud of you for resisting to contact him.

No it is our third time breaking up. We broke up for the first time on the 31st of october, than after two weeks he wanted to try again (in those two weeks we had had a short whatsapp conversation twice, both ended in him being really angry with me and saying he didn't want to see me ever again), but then after two weeks he ended it again. Then we didn't have any contact at all for 11 days and then he started messaging me again, at first it was really just to get me back in his bed ("It doesn't work anymore, but I would love to undress you one more time and I know you do too", but I rejected him, saying that was not what I was looking for. Then he suddenly turned around and said he did want to try again, that it would be hard but that he didn't see the harm in it. The first week back together was amazing, then I went on holiday for a week and when I got back he was very distant again. He broke up with me (for the third time) after that week. Since then we haven't had any contact. I did send him a postcard but he never replied to it.

Why we broke up I don't really know and I don't think he does either, he couldn't tell me at least. The first two times he blamed everything on me, saying I had ruined the relationship, that I was too insecure, too jealous, too needy, that there was always something wrong with me, that he couldn't stand being around me etc. The third time he didn't really do that. He said that he couldn't tell me why it didn't work anymore but that it just didn't. The final day we spent together was quite awkward, because we just couldn't keep up a conversation, it felt like we were strangers. I think this was mostly because we both felt that everything depended on that final day, because a week before we were having the time of our lives so that couldn't change in such a short time right? He was just irritated with me all the time in those final months, I was constantly walking on eggshells because it felt like I could hardly do anything right in his eyes.

[blooming]

I feel like you got an absolutely great closure talk for a pwBPD. I am extremely jealous 

Tbh I think that initiating contact would be extremely hard for any person. Maybe after a year or so feelings will have subsided a little and you could try a Christmas message or something like that.

But anything before that would be just like saying "I want you back asap".

Yeah I guess it was a good talk. But also really hard that he opened up to me so much and we had this really good and deep conversation and then it was over, I felt so connected to him at that moment. He said that part of the problem was that we didn't really talk anymore (but that was mostly him, he just couldn't talk about his feelings. I could, but that made those kind of conversations very one-sided and made him feel like it was always all about me). But there we were REALLY talking, so apparently we could still do that so that wasn't the problem at all. And I just don't understand how after such a good conversation and after feeling that connected to eachother he could just go no contact.

Well I wouldn't really mind him thinking that I wanted him back asap I guess because it's true, my heart wants him back and misses him so terribly. It's just so hard for me to accept that he's truly gone now. Because the times before this I also thought that it was truly over but there he was again after two weeks... .But now it's been four weeks and still no sight of him, even though I sent him a postcard after a few days, but he didn't reply to it.

[JustNeedToTalk]

jeez the way you describe your final day was exactly like mine.  Awkward like we were strangers, when in fact we were so close, we shared everything, no secrets.  He knew I was hurting, I knew he didn't want to be around me.  He even said to me that he had started to roll his eyes when I was whatsapping him.  When in the past if I didn't message hi he was needy.  I think all these actions from them are part of the devaluing.

He said I don't know what I want but it's not you.  When 3 days earlier he looked me in the eyes and said I love you so much it hurts.

I think for our own sanity we have to remain NC, if they want to come to us they will.  But when we're black, I think it's shame, having to contact us would make them have to face who they are and what they have done to us. 

I wake everyday and pray that I will hear from him but like you I think I have to accept that I may never.  My story is very long, painful and in the end abusive, and he's not an abusive man.  But he lost control of himself and in turn me.

I suspect you may hear from your ex again, especially if the break up wasn't tough.  Stay strong.

[EdR]

jeez the way you describe your final day was exactly like mine.  Awkward like we were strangers, when in fact we were so close, we shared everything, no secrets.  He knew I was hurting, I knew he didn't want to be around me.  He even said to me that he had started to roll his eyes when I was whatsapping him.  When in the past if I didn't message hi he was needy.  I think all these actions from them are part of the devaluing.

He said I don't know what I want but it's not you.  When 3 days earlier he looked me in the eyes and said I love you so much it hurts.

I think for our own sanity we have to remain NC, if they want to come to us they will.  But when we're black, I think it's shame, having to contact us would make them have to face who they are and what they have done to us. 

I wake everyday and pray that I will hear from him but like you I think I have to accept that I may never.  My story is very long, painful and in the end abusive, and he's not an abusive man.  But he lost control of himself and in turn me.

I suspect you may hear from your ex again, especially if the break up wasn't tough.  Stay strong.

That's how I feel as well. Blooming, maybe I came across a little rationally, but believe me: I DO understand your emotions. I am conflicted myself as well... .I know what the right thing to do is... .but my heart tells me very different things.

[JustNeedToTalk]

it's true about the shame, I know deep in my heart it is.  I know that my ex wants to be a better person and he shared more with me about who his is than anyone.  Said he felt like a chameleon, that he could read people, that something was missing inside him.    I know he would deep down love to contact me, I feel that is why he has not only blocked me but blocked all of my friends.  He doesn't want any reminders of me anywhere.  He even told me that, and tried to give me gifts back as he said keeping them would be too painful.  He won't allow himself to even think about what he has done.

They can't handle the guilt.  I think I got closer to my ex than anyone ever has and it scared him.  He cheated as an escape as he would never have had the courage to leave me.  He got close, he panicked, he worried about the future so he cheated and left me.  But he never thought about the consequences to not only me but the other people he has hurt with his actions, what has this man done to his friends, that friends of 20, 30 49 years want nothing to do with him.  And he a sensitive man, if he thinks about it, it will destroy him and his depression is dark when it hits.

I pray he gets help, but will these people ever?  My ex now literally has nothing, not a thing, no money, no house, no friends, he's moved countries and sleeping in his parents spare room (he's 45 years old).

He is on dating apps though so I suspect he's just trying to bury what happened here and start afresh in a new place.  And that kills me inside.  That after losing everything he won't even help himself.  I feel like I was nothing.

[blooming]

jeez the way you describe your final day was exactly like mine.  Awkward like we were strangers, when in fact we were so close, we shared everything, no secrets.  He knew I was hurting, I knew he didn't want to be around me.  He even said to me that he had started to roll his eyes when I was whatsapping him.  When in the past if I didn't message hi he was needy.  I think all these actions from them are part of the devaluing.

He said I don't know what I want but it's not you.  When 3 days earlier he looked me in the eyes and said I love you so much it hurts.

I think for our own sanity we have to remain NC, if they want to come to us they will.  But when we're black, I think it's shame, having to contact us would make them have to face who they are and what they have done to us. 

I wake everyday and pray that I will hear from him but like you I think I have to accept that I may never.  My story is very long, painful and in the end abusive, and he's not an abusive man.  But he lost control of himself and in turn me.

I suspect you may hear from your ex again, especially if the break up wasn't tough.  Stay strong.

Wow yes that sounds so so so familiar. Crazy to see how their behaviour so similar. It's so crazy how their feelings for us can so quickly. I just can't comprehend it. Yeah it could be that he isn't contacting me out of shame. Or maybe that he really wants to give me space to get over him, although maybe not, because I think that he would want me to never get over him. That's how he talked about his exes at least, he always got quite annoyed/angry when he found out that they had another relationship after him.

Thank you for your kind words, you stay strong too! 

[araneina]

it's true about the shame, I know deep in my heart it is.  I know that my ex wants to be a better person and he shared more with me about who his is than anyone.  Said he felt like a chameleon, that he could read people, that something was missing inside him.    I know he would deep down love to contact me, I feel that is why he has not only blocked me but blocked all of my friends.  He doesn't want any reminders of me anywhere.  He even told me that, and tried to give me gifts back as he said keeping them would be too painful.  He won't allow himself to even think about what he has done.

They can't handle the guilt.  I think I got closer to my ex than anyone ever has and it scared him.  He cheated as an escape as he would never have had the courage to leave me.  He got close, he panicked, he worried about the future so he cheated and left me.  But he never thought about the consequences to not only me but the other people he has hurt with his actions, what has this man done to his friends, that friends of 20, 30 49 years want nothing to do with him.  And he a sensitive man, if he thinks about it, it will destroy him and his depression is dark when it hits.

I pray he gets help, but will these people ever?  My ex now literally has nothing, not a thing, no money, no house, no friends, he's moved countries and sleeping in his parents spare room (he's 45 years old).

He is on dating apps though so I suspect he's just trying to bury what happened here and start afresh in a new place.  And that kills me inside.  That after losing everything he won't even help himself.  I feel like I was nothing.

Not to come across as rude, but isn't this thought process enabling the pwBPD?  It would be like saying "My boyfriend hit me but he was drunk and I know he wasn't in the right state of mind."

My ex was definitely having an emotional affair with the girl he eventually left me for... .he was an extremely troubled human being, but that doesn't excuse his behavior.  I will openly admit that during our relationship I thought about sleeping with another man - but I DIDN'T, because I recognized how crappy that would be and how it absolutely went against my moral code.  At that point in the relationship I should have broken up with my ex.

These are adult men we're talking about here, not children or puppies.  They may be sick, but I would say 99.9% of them know right from wrong.  I only bring this up because I realize now that I enabled a lot of my ex bf's behavior (regardless of whether or not he is a pwBPD).  I think a lot of us get mixed up in our feelings of sympathy and pity for our troubled partner that we lose sight of what should be considered acceptable and unacceptable in an adult relationship.

ETA:  I came back to edit this because I realize I might be too black-and-white on this issue.  My ex told me on 3 separate occasions how he cheated on a girlfriend as revenge for her calling out another man's name in bed.  Of course he didn't say "I cheated," he just said he went and hooked up with some girl at his workplace.  He had absolutely no shame telling me this, which implies he thought it was acceptable.  So perhaps my saying that they know right from wrong is correct, but their views on what is "right" and what is "wrong" is skewed by their distorted perception on reality.  So... .I'm not sure where I'm going with this.  It's tangential, sorry for running this off track!

[Skip]

Not to come across as rude, but isn't this thought process enabling the pwBPD?  It would be like saying "My boyfriend hit me but he was drunk and I know he wasn't in the right state of mind."

Is it enabling or is it enlightening?

He cheated as an escape ... //... But he never thought about the consequences

This might very well be true. Especially the second part - that is very much a BPD trait. The fact is that most people, most of he time (including BPD) do not do things to hurt - they rationalize things as being OK.

As far as enabling, the statement above says that the person in question does not have the emotional strength or the perspective to be a faithful partner. An apology won't fix that. This person will likely do it again.

[araneina]

Is it enabling or is it enlightening?

He cheated as an escape ... //... But he never thought about the consequences

This might very well be true. Especially the second part - that is very much a BPD trait. The fact is that most people, most of he time (including BPD) do not do things to hurt - they rationalize things as being OK.

As far as enabling, the statement above says that the person in question does not have the emotional strength or the perspective to be a faithful partner. An apology won't fix that. This person will likely do it again.

Nm

[Skip]

I explained my response in my post above.

We are not talking about JustNeedToTalk comment and the value it has to see what she sees.

[araneina]

I explained my response in my post above  

... .perhaps.  I don't quite understand though.  Who is it enlightening FOR?  The author or the pwBPD?

Edit: I understand now you mean it is enlightening for the author; however, I still think it is enabling for the pwBPD.

[araneina]

I explained my response in my post above.

We are not talking about JustNeedToTalk comment and the value it has to see what she sees.

Er... .I don't understand but it's no big deal.  Thank you for trying.

[Skip]

Understanding others perspectives and how they think is emotional intelligence. It we learn are to learn anything here (at bpdfamily), it would be emotional intelligence and understanding human behavior. It's a powerful tool.

As chain saw is a powerful tool, too. We can all kinds of great things with it. Sawing off are arm is not one of them. Using emotional intelligence to enable is also not a good idea.

[JustNeedToTalk]

I didn't mean to cause any aggravation on this.  Maybe I should explain.  When his behaviour started deteriorating and I felt his distance, I distanced myself too.  He became paranoid if I came home and didn't rush to kiss him, I made plans with friends that I would normally invite him to.  But he was being passive aggressive and inside I was preparing myself for the relationship to end.  We talked about therapy, becoming more loving again.  But something was stopping him inside.  He sought attention from elsewhere, attention that he would normally have gotten from me.  

I am not in anyway condoning his behaviour.  It was disgusting.  He slept with the one person (an ex) who was the one person I was paranoid about in our relationship.  He knew it would destroy me.  Just two hours before he left home to go to a hotel room and meet her he turned to me and said "you look amazing today, I love you", and then used my car and money to betray me.  And he left evidence around the house, a hotel room key, his computer open so I could see emails.  He wanted to get caught.   He done that as an evil act, but as Skip says he did not think of the ultimate consequences of his actions, all he thought about was taking back control of me.  I am saying as 45 year old man he acted like a child, fickle, uncaring, selfish... .and when he found women who wanted him it filled the gap.  They both believe they were special to him, perhaps they still do and have no idea about each other.  He is that manipulative.