My sister keeps falsely accusing family members of abuse. What do I do?

[Jaggers]

I've never posted on a message board before, so this is a completely new experience for me.  Please forgive any disjointedness in my summary.  Honestly, I wouldn't post anything at all if this site wasn't so good at encouraging new members to do so.  My big worry, of course, is to discover that I'm alone in this particular experience.  Maybe my sister doesn't have BPD; maybe she's psychotic.  But, she seems to be able to maintain relationships when she wants them, which leads me to believe that she's not psychotic.  Anyway, that's neither here nor there.  Let me give you all a brief summary of what I've been through over the last decade or so.

First, a very brief childhood background.  I am the older sister, my younger sister is about 16 months younger than I.  I'm in my late 30s.  We grew up (it was just the two of us kids) in a middle-class family, where dad was a blue collar union worker (who was lazy and rarely went to work).  Mom was a secretary.  Both parents were immigrants (I guess they still are).  My father was physically abusive towards my mother and me.  My younger sister did not have to deal with physical abuse, but she was burdened, I am sure, by heavy emotional damage--in terms of having to watch me get hurt and my mom.  My mother divorced my father as soon as my sister graduated high school.  I have maintained a relationship with my father; it's not a close one, but I am there for him when he needs someone, as he doesn't have many close connections at all.

Throughout our college years, when my sister and I would live at home with my mother, I struggled maintaining peace with her and between her and my mother.  My sister would jump between loving moments and wild irrational rage.  One example I can offer is my sister exploding on me because I was washing dishes in the kitchen at noon (I'd wait until then to dare make a noise in my mom's small house) and disturbing her sleep.  Another would be her standing in front of the television if I was watching something and she wanted to watch something else.  She was also very selfish.  The best example of this that I can offer is an incident that took place while I was in law school and she was in a neighboring city still attending college.  She needed to go grocery shopping, so I offered to get her and take her to the store, thinking I could spend some time with her while doing some shopping myself.  It was a late Friday night, so we went to a 24-hour store.  My sister was fuming mad when she realized that I was taking time to do my own grocery shopping because she "had things to do, and had [she] known that was going to take time shopping for [myself] she never would have come."  Instead of arguing, I let her do her shopping, dropped her off at her dorm, and then returned to the store do my own shopping.  In between, there were spurts when she'd thank me for helping her through school when we were younger, telling me that she'd never be a successful student without my help.  Every once in a while, she'd thank my sister for my mother's sacrifices, and so forth.

Jump, then, to about 10 years ago, when my sister began dating a guy ("B".  My sister had liked B for a long time, and when he started to show an interest in her, she was thrilled.  Over the next year or two, my sister distanced herself from our family.  My family assumed it was B who caused my sister to choose between him or our family, but I always had a feeling it was my sister's choice.  (It's always easier for a mother to put the blame on a third party than her own child, after all.)  Later, my sister told me that our father sexually molested her when she was a kid and later (when she was a college student), forced her to watch pornography.  To make a long story short, I questioned my sister's memory of events, agreeing that our father was no great man, but that I could not imagine him being sexually abusive.  She turned against me and stated that if I continued to have contact with him, I could not have contact with her.  Later, it came to be that the sexual abuse as a child involved him looking at her in a certain way when she exited the shower in a towel, and the pornography ended up being an episode of the Sopranos (involving a nightclub scene).

Now let's jump to my sister and B's wedding.  I was ousted from the dressing room where my sister was putting on her wedding dress (ousted by her mother-in-law).  I was the maid of honor and was dumbfounded when I was told by the MIL that I "was not welcome" in the room while my sister changed.  My sister ignored my entire family--and she seemed to do it deliberately and with some sense of satisfaction, especially in that it was so public in front of B's family.  She didn't talk to any of us and she didn't include any of us in the wedding pictures!  No one knew what was going on.  It was uncomfortable and awkward to say the least.  It was terribly painful too.  I mean, we were all there seated at the main table, some of scattered at the front tables, etc.  During the ceremony, one of my sister's bridesmaids took me aside and told me that I seemed like a nice person and that I should know that my sister had told everyone that my father and I sexually molested her.  You can imagine how my family and I felt after that.  Two days after the wedding, my sister cashed in all the checks she received from our family members, and we didn't hear from her for about two years.

About two years later, my sister called me to tell me that B's mother was hitting her.  I had my concerns about my sister's psychological health by then, but she seemed genuinely upset and hurt, so I drove to a different state to get her and return her home.  The "hitting" my sister referred to was being slapped on her butt (in a playful manner, despite my sister's request for the MIL to refrain from doing so).  My sister also said that B was abusive, but we either didn't get into it or I don't remember the details.

My sister and B got divorced and my sister moved to another state, where she delved into religion and became a born again christian.  Out of the blue, my sister shut both my mother and me out of her lives and started calling our father every day.  There was no rhyme or reason for it.  Eventually, my sister lost her job (in teaching) where she was living.  She remained in her chosen state, and ended up moving into a group home of sorts for victims of sexual abuse!  It appears she had been taken in by kind strangers for a couple of years and eventually landed in this "commune" that's run by born again christians. 

A couple of weeks ago, our mother went to visit my sister because my sister needed a health issue addressed (and doesn't have health insurance) and new glasses.  My sister booked (with our mother's credit card, of course) a hotel room for our mother an hour away from where my sister lives (in her commune).  My mother arrived on a Saturday, and my sister arrived with a friend of hers, picked up our mom from the airport, drove her to her hotel, and left.  Before she left, our mother asked my sister when she'd see my sister (the health issue was to be addressed on the upcoming Monday), and my sister's response was "let's play it by ear."  Basically, our mother was ignored until Monday, when she shelled out two thousand dollars for my sister's medical and eye glass concerns.  Our mother gave my sister a couple hundred dollars and some shoes she had previously bought for her and brought with.  My mother barely got a thank you.  The next day, my mother was scheduled to fly back home.  My sister took my mother out for lunch, returned the shoes and the money, and told my mother that she doesn't want a thing from her.  My sister accused my mother of molesting her by grabbing her breast in the car during the ride from the airport to the hotel, and then added that my mother had never changed.  My mother was stunned, and asked my sister what she was talking about.  The molestation that my sister spoke of was when our mother would tap our butts when we were running up the stairs as children! 

The way I see it, my sister says what she needs to say to get what she wants (a relationship, get taken in, or befriended, etc.), or she's delusional, or she's got some personality disorder.  I can't make heads or tails of it, but I know that every time I talk to her (which isn't often), I have to keep it simple--how are you, how's the weather, etc. because one small misstep and I'm a monster and I won't hear from her for months.  The reason I want to hear from her at all is to know that she's okay; she is my sister.

I don't know what else to say for now, or what to ask for, or even what my expectations are from this site.  Your thoughts would be appreciated.  Thanks for reading.

[kj1234]

Jaggers,



Thanks for taking the time to tell that whole story.  It's disturbing and I can see why you have concerns for your sister and also concerns about how she has treated you and your family members.

I know it is very difficult, maybe impossible, to understand this behavior with certainty.  We can't get into another person's head and figure out if they are delusional or coldly calculating liars.  We can't tell for sure if they believe the things they are saying or if they are just saying the things that get them what they want.  But it is obvious something is not right.

I wish you and your family the best.  I suggest you all be careful because many here, including me, know what it is like when false accusations of abuse turn into false statements to police, etc., and you don't want that, nor does it sound like you or your family members are in any way deserving of it.

There are many people on this site who can relate to your situation and give you good advice.  All the best to you.

[Cassy]

Good grief. There's no end to it and your sister found her niche. The problem is, there are people who will turn anything into sexual abuse and convince other people they have been sexually abused when they haven't and that they're "repressing memories." I have seen this so many times.

"Are you SURE your father didn't abuse you?"

"I don't remember anything. He had Playboy mags hidden a drawer that I found once."

"Are you sure he didn't MEAN for you to find those? That's how they "groom" children to be molested? Were you tickled. Did you sometimes walk around in just a towel?"

If she's even slightly inclined, she will pick up the cues and at the end of the discussion have "memories" of being abused by almost everyone she's ever met at some point.

[Vivgood]

My BPDsis has also made accusations of abuse and/or molestation against family members and others. Accused my dad of molesting/abusing her, my mom of abuse and her ex husband of physical and psychological abuse. The big irony is that SHE abused her husband in 'xactly the way she accused him of. And my parents are all but saints. She has used this whole manufactured reality to enlist pity and help from various organizations... .and when the holes in her story start showing, she just moves on to the next office. Oddly, like your sis, mine has also become involved with a fundamentalist "church"- I think the black&white way of viewing the world that is a trademark of fundamentalism really works for borderlines. They already think that way.

I don't have any words of wisdom, just a hug! I've been no contact with my sister for many years, altho my parents and other sister are still close to her. They just put up with her brand of crazy and do not expect or ask for an authentic relationship. Its weird and dysfunctional.

vivgood

[tiredmommy2]

nailed it on this one!  I have no additional words of wisdom to offer you.  I can only tell you that I've been on the receiving end of very ugly accusations & it sucks.  I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. 

I don't know what else to say for now, or what to ask for, or even what my expectations are from this site.

What you can expect out of this site is a lot of support, understanding & great advice from people that truly do understand what you are going through. 

I hope that being here brings you all of the comfort that it has brought me.   

[twister]

Hi Jaggers,

I relate to your situation 100%.  I have a younger sister who I consider uBPD and to my just very recent knowledge has been for 24 years.  My story is on here too.  I felt like you were repeating elements of my life while I read your story.  My sister has flung accusations of CSA at many people in my family, but the one that she refuses to let go of is the one against my husband.  We have been married 23 years.  She was just a young girl when my husband started spending time with me and she got along great with him until she made up some sexual fantasies about him with her friends wrote them out and they were found by my mother in her room.  Since that day nothing has been the same.  Our lives have been ruled by her delusions and false accusations and drama.  She has caused so much chaos in our family that I finally came to the conclusion it just simply isn't safe to be around her at all. Not in the same 10 mile radius.  As of 16 months ago we have No Contact, this is the third time in 24 years this has happened. 

My sister has been doing "regression therapy" for "repressed memories" for a lot of years and she has yet to come up with "the memories" of exactly what my husband did to her beyond some teasing, tickling and just plain innocent interaction with her as a little girl which she completely blew out of proportion any chance she got.  One example of her exaggeration is that when she was 14 she wore a pair of jeans that had multiple holes and rips in the legs they were barely held together by threads, my mother hated them.  My husband was teasing her about them one day when we were all there just back from an outing for groceries and when we came in our house my husband reached over and grabbed one of the ripped parts of her jeans just above her knee and ripped it down to her ankle.  She told her therapist that he had "ripped my pants off of me to my underwear and all of my family laughed at me and did nothing to help me".  That is an example of her memories of abuse she has suffered at his hands. 

I really believe that no contact is the way to go when you are in a toxic relationship like that.  In her state of mind she can't process reality without always turning it back against you and making you the scapegoat.  Projection, I guess is what it is called, I'm new to this terminology too. 

I grieved this like I have grieved her death.  It has been agony, don't get me wrong, but I feel no obligation to her what so ever.  She has undermined every morsel of healthy care or concern I have ever offered her.  My parents, my mother especially told me a few days ago it is like she is dead.  My mother has finally started to see how much manipulating my sister has done to everyone, because of the holes in her story are starting to get bigger and her claims are becoming more far fetched.  I truly believe it will take a total mental breakdown for my sister to get the real help she needs.  Her husband supports her right now, but I'm sure that is on shaky ground as well.  I don't wish her harm, but I don't wish to be part of her games anymore.  Her distorted interpretations of people's intentions has cost all of us dearly in our family and I will not feed the fire any longer.  It sounds harsh but I've tried to accept her and love her and forgive her and it hasn't helped her get better or change, she is deeply invested in her victim mentality.  I hope you can find some peace and maintain strict boundaries with your sister.  Message me if you want.

[Jaggers]

Thank you, guys, for sharing your stories.  I'm feeling a combination of emotions: relief that I'm not alone, understood (finally) by some who (unfortunately) share my story, and real fear about what all of this means.  I'm taking it all in--what I'm reading, and I appreciate (in more ways than I can put into words right now) the time and thought each of you have put into your reply posts to me.  I'm so happy that I "gave in" and actually posted something on this site (after thinking about joining an online discussion for years), but I'm faced with the sense that I can't turn back now.  I've gotten affirmation that my sister will likely never change, and it's scary to see it written and confirmed.

I've been thinking that if I just organize all of her allegations into a letter, and point out where she is wrong about what she believes, that she'll just "snap out of it."  I can't push this urge aside, but it does fight against an anger that is growing inside of me which comes from such strong resentment.

I don't know what else to say right, except to let you all know that I'm so incredibly touched by your words, and, really, the time you've taken to reach out to a stranger.     I'll keep reading, and I will keep you posted.

[twister]

I know you are overwhelmed right now.  Yes, it feels good to know you are not the only one who has ever gone through the insanity of a relationship with a BPD person.  I really struggled to post the first time here, or even discuss it with anyone not on here (my closest friends and sane family members).  You get so used to having every observation in that relationship distorted by a BPD thinking family member that you begin to think you are the one who is disordered.  It is a risk to speak of it to people who don't get it, you begin to look like the one who is the source of the problem to certain people, mainly because they don't know all the facts.  Certain members of my family don't discuss it at all, it is hard to live with the elephant in the room all the time at family gatherings when everyone knows why my sister isn't present.  It was her choice to initiate the No Contact, but she thinks that she can just suspend that at any time she wants because in the past (the other 2 times she had nc) I didn't know what I was dealing with and just let her back in my life when she was comfortable, I gave her all the power.  Now that won't happen again because I am wise to her primary issue BPD.  

Just some insight on writing letters and hoping "she'll just snap out of it"  There was a lot of that going on from both sides in my family for many years.  My sister wrote my husband letters at the prompting of our mother and the therapist, asking my husband to explain what he meant by certain actions or things he said.  All this was in hindsight was entrapment because all that ever came of it was more ammunition to keep blaming him and attaching abuse to any thing and everything.  Her memory of things was 1% truth 99% lies. When my husband wrote her back maybe one or two times, his explanations were used to further accuse him and they were grossly misinterpreted ( the hallmarks of BPD ).  My parents interpreted our hiring legal counsel as "proof" that we were hiding something, otherwise why would we need a lawyer.  My sisters allegations led to our child being interviewed by protective services.  My sisters distortions were on paper, proof of her warped thinking to my parents, yet they chose to believe her anyway, because the prevailing belief out there among therapists at the time and to a degree still is, that underage girls don't lie about sexual abuse, why would they, they have no motive to lie about such things?  That was exactly what my sisters therapist told my naive parents and my brother years ago when it all blew up in our faces.  The therapist had my parents convinced that the "abuse" was the reason why she was so dysfunctional in any relationship she had.  The problem was the therapist only heard what my sister said and therefore and didn't question it's validity to them it was true, yet the rest of the family knew she was lying and exaggerating.  So, we stopped writing letters back, but my mother was so devastated by the split in our family she poured her heart out to us begging for explanations, meetings, admissions and for us to go to see a pastor who would help us admit what we needed to so the family could heal and be restored.  

This went on for several years and then one day with no explanation what so ever my sister did just snap out of her spell.  My mother called us and told us that she was fine with us being together as a family now, she had worked through what she needed to.  In hindsight I see that my sister had all the things she was jealous of me for at that point, a baby, a husband and a home of her own.  She always extremely jealous of us as a couple.  At the time I was very leery and untrusting, but I so longed for a better family dynamic that I thought it was worth it to try to forgive and forget.  It wasn't easy but for many years we worked at it and I began to think until just a few years ago we were finally over it all.  But in the back of my mind this nagging feeling of "the other shoes gonna drop" would not go away.  I knew that resolution had not been properly achieved for any of us, it wasn't dealt with we had all just tried to pretend it never happened.

I have even struggled with the urge to write my sister letters in this current episode of No Contact.  However, based on past history it was useless and dangerous and only fed her agenda.  I have come to realize that it won't fix anything and will not be taken the way you intend it. What you have to remember is that people with this problem don't hear the truth, their filters are broken they don't have a capacity to understand how you feel. They are not honest with themselves and are incapable of being honest with anyone else.  You would help yourself more if you wrote your letters in a journal and she never saw them.  You are opening yourself up to more trouble if you try to reason with a person who is unreasonable and doesn't acknowledge their own BPD. Based on my personal experience I seriously doubt you would achieve what you hope to.  Look after yourself and try to move on with your life.  You are not responsible for fixing your sister.  I know its hard, my sister has 4 children I am not able to see and it makes no sense to me that I have 3 well adjusted kids who are healthy and sane but I can't be trusted around hers.  

It isn't fair and it feels crappy, but the safety of my family is more important than trying to maintain a false pretenses with my sister.  Hopefully someday she will realize that what she has lost the most important people in her life, her family.  I have tried to build healthy relationships with friends who can be like a sister to me.  I have a handful of friends who readily receive the goodness I offer them and reciprocate like a sister should.  :)on't waste your time or energy on her it isn't worth it. Harsh to say, but it has taken me many agonizing years of pain to realize this. I have done everything I know how to do to fix it, she doesn't want to have what I offer.  When you invest in relationships that are healthy and honest you will realize that the toxic sludge you have with her is something you don't need and it is harmful to you and your children (if you have them).  It will taint all the other good things in your life and compromise them.  You have choices, don't feel like you owe her, because you don't.    

[Greenberg]

Wow, I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread. Because I don't know who else to talk to. I just got back from speaking with my sister in the hopes of coming to some resolution, trying to come to some middle ground, but it's very black and white. I felt guilty for questioning her at all, and have been accused of being a victim blamer, saying she "asked for it" (which is not what I said), and making excuses for my husband when I'm just trying to make heads from tails. I'm very hurt by everything and I feel terrible that she's hurting, and my husband feels awful that I've questioned him and had any doubt at all towards his behavior. I wrote in my journal when trying to process all of this, that my sister had told me about previous bouts of depression and that she wanted to see a psychologist about possible BPD. When all this came up I wondered, could she just be misinterpreting events and actions? Is it possible my husband isn't some sick pervert, who's been sexually harassing my sister for years, and then lying to me about it now? It's impossible for me to believe this, but just being in this situation at all is making me sick. My sister asked me to think about our relationship and that she would never make this up to hurt me or break my family apart. She's hurt I don't believe her. But precisely because she is my sister, and I've seen her and heard her say things I know to be untrue, or very one-sided representations of events, I have reason to doubt her version of "truth". In fact, more recently one month before the resurgence of accusations against my husband, we had been preparing for a birthday party several hours away. It was pretty far and I wasn't going to go but I saw that she had RSVPed, so I messaged her to ask if we could go together. She said yes. We talked about it for a couple months, I'd remind her, we even talked about it the day before the trip to arrange a time to meet up, she agreed to get her car maintenanced so we could go in her car. The day of she texts me and asks if I "really want to go". I was upset and replied with something about that being pretty rude and inconsiderate, and she said "whatever, meet me at my house". So I went to her house, 40 minutes away, thinking 'okay she doesn't want to go, but we're going'. When I get there she tells me she's still trying to convince me to stay and that she had made it clear with her facial expressions that she never really wanted to go in the first place. And was arguing that I shouldn't be holding her to some FB RSVP. I was flabbergasted. She had said to my face, over messenger, over text, over phone, many times throughout a couple of months that we were carpooling to this party. I specifically asked her, "are you sure? cuz I'm not making that drive alone". and Every time she said yes. There was another incident earlier in the year, or maybe last in which she was talking so much negative ___ about a mutual friend. I listened, gave some instances in which I had felt in a similar fashion, but was also devil's advocate and tried to make her see that maybe our friend didn't realize she was doing X or Y and that she should talk to her. Her response was always "No, I shouldn't have to. That's common sense. She knows exactly what she's doing... ." and so on. She said at one point that she didn't even want to be friends with her anymore because she didn't like her. Mind you, on our group chat it was all "Love" "#friendshipismydrug" and talking about moving in together, when all this resentment built up because they had lived together. She'd meet up with other mutual friends and just talk ___ about [1stfriend]. One day one of the other friends who also held resentment (I honestly now wonder who brought it up. Did she instigate it?) finally snapped and told off [1stfriend], my sister was there and when [1stfriend] was like 'What the heck what was all that about? I don't do that, do I?' my sister put her hands up and asked not to be put in the middle. Friend 1 and 2 didn't talk to each other for quite a while, but I don't know if my sister ever talked to friend 1 about her own resentments or just pretended like all was peachy and put it all on friend 2. But it's that kind of that black&white talk she did with our friend that made me question accusations towards my husband. "Oh no, s/he knew what s/he was doing. I'm not stupid. I know the difference between X and Y." making it seem like their actions were calculated and intentional. I remember plenty of fights growing up where I'd get really offended because I felt so misunderstood by her. I wish I remembered specifics, but just saying something and her making assumptions about my intentions or reasoning, and me being furious at the misrepresentation of "truth" of my feelings and thoughts. There have been accusations she made about an ex's friend; I remember her coming to me upset that her bf didn't believe her. I had no reason not to believe her. That relationship ended rather badly, with her saying that he was psychologically abusive to her and was gaslighting her. I had no reason not to believe her. Now I wonder... .and I feel bad for wondering. She was drinking and very depressed, a friend called me concerned for her well-being so I drive in the middle of the night to go get her and bring her home for fear that she might be suicidal. I could go on really, but I guess it just sucks that if she does have BPD, which I don't know if she ever went ahead with the evaluation, that sucks. And I certainly can't bring up the possibility to her without sounding like I'm gaslighting. And I've no doubt lost mutual friends here. And this will only further divide our family as she wants nothing to do with my husband. This is a no win situation and I hate it. What do I do? Am I being unreasonable? Should I believe her? It just doesn't add up.

[Struggles]

Wow, I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread. Because I don't know who else to talk to. I just got back from speaking with my sister in the hopes of coming to some resolution, trying to come to some middle ground, but it's very black and white. I felt guilty for questioning her at all, and have been accused of being a victim blamer, saying she "asked for it" (which is not what I said), and making excuses for my husband when I'm just trying to make heads from tails. I'm very hurt by everything and I feel terrible that she's hurting, and my husband feels awful that I've questioned him and had any doubt at all towards his behavior. I wrote in my journal when trying to process all of this, that my sister had told me about previous bouts of depression and that she wanted to see a psychologist about possible BPD. When all this came up I wondered, could she just be misinterpreting events and actions? Is it possible my husband isn't some sick pervert, who's been sexually harassing my sister for years, and then lying to me about it now? It's impossible for me to believe this, but just being in this situation at all is making me sick. My sister asked me to think about our relationship and that she would never make this up to hurt me or break my family apart. She's hurt I don't believe her. But precisely because she is my sister, and I've seen her and heard her say things I know to be untrue, or very one-sided representations of events, I have reason to doubt her version of "truth". In fact, more recently one month before the resurgence of accusations against my husband, we had been preparing for a birthday party several hours away. It was pretty far and I wasn't going to go but I saw that she had RSVPed, so I messaged her to ask if we could go together. She said yes. We talked about it for a couple months, I'd remind her, we even talked about it the day before the trip to arrange a time to meet up, she agreed to get her car maintenanced so we could go in her car. The day of she texts me and asks if I "really want to go". I was upset and replied with something about that being pretty rude and inconsiderate, and she said "whatever, meet me at my house". So I went to her house, 40 minutes away, thinking 'okay she doesn't want to go, but we're going'. When I get there she tells me she's still trying to convince me to stay and that she had made it clear with her facial expressions that she never really wanted to go in the first place. And was arguing that I shouldn't be holding her to some FB RSVP. I was flabbergasted. She had said to my face, over messenger, over text, over phone, many times throughout a couple of months that we were carpooling to this party. I specifically asked her, "are you sure? cuz I'm not making that drive alone". and Every time she said yes. There was another incident earlier in the year, or maybe last in which she was talking so much negative ___ about a mutual friend. I listened, gave some instances in which I had felt in a similar fashion, but was also devil's advocate and tried to make her see that maybe our friend didn't realize she was doing X or Y and that she should talk to her. Her response was always "No, I shouldn't have to. That's common sense. She knows exactly what she's doing... ." and so on. She said at one point that she didn't even want to be friends with her anymore because she didn't like her. Mind you, on our group chat it was all "Love" "#friendshipismydrug" and talking about moving in together, when all this resentment built up because they had lived together. She'd meet up with other mutual friends and just talk ___ about [1stfriend]. One day one of the other friends who also held resentment (I honestly now wonder who brought it up. Did she instigate it?) finally snapped and told off [1stfriend], my sister was there and when [1stfriend] was like 'What the heck what was all that about? I don't do that, do I?' my sister put her hands up and asked not to be put in the middle. Friend 1 and 2 didn't talk to each other for quite a while, but I don't know if my sister ever talked to friend 1 about her own resentments or just pretended like all was peachy and put it all on friend 2. But it's that kind of that black&white talk she did with our friend that made me question accusations towards my husband. "Oh no, s/he knew what s/he was doing. I'm not stupid. I know the difference between X and Y." making it seem like their actions were calculated and intentional. I remember plenty of fights growing up where I'd get really offended because I felt so misunderstood by her. I wish I remembered specifics, but just saying something and her making assumptions about my intentions or reasoning, and me being furious at the misrepresentation of "truth" of my feelings and thoughts. There have been accusations she made about an ex's friend; I remember her coming to me upset that her bf didn't believe her. I had no reason not to believe her. That relationship ended rather badly, with her saying that he was psychologically abusive to her and was gaslighting her. I had no reason not to believe her. Now I wonder... .and I feel bad for wondering. She was drinking and very depressed, a friend called me concerned for her well-being so I drive in the middle of the night to go get her and bring her home for fear that she might be suicidal. I could go on really, but I guess it just sucks that if she does have BPD, which I don't know if she ever went ahead with the evaluation, that sucks. And I certainly can't bring up the possibility to her without sounding like I'm gaslighting. And I've no doubt lost mutual friends here. And this will only further divide our family as she wants nothing to do with my husband. This is a no win situation and I hate it. What do I do? Am I being unreasonable? Should I believe her? It just doesn't add up.

Hi Greenberg,

Welcome to the board.  Although I am terribly sorry for the circumstances that brought you here!

I also don’t have any words of wisdom on this matter.  But I do know how it feels to be on the receiving end of the nasty accusations.  Although mine were not accusations of abuse.

I really can’t say whether or not you should believe her.  I think that if the story isn’t adding up to you, and given her previous history... .it’s understandable that you have questions about believing her. 

I think you did the right thing in asking questions to the both of them to try and understand things better.  I know that hurt your husband deeply, but I also think that anyone in that situation would have done the same. 

In my situation it was being accused by my MIL of cheating and being on drugs.  It wasn’t just her saying those things, she went into deep detail with it.  The more we heard of the story, the more you could literally poke a coke bottle through the holes in her story. 

It’s horrible to have accusations against you, but I can only imagine how much more horrible seeing as she is accusing him of abuse.

A previous poster hit the nail on the head by saying “I’m not sure if she’s just delusional and truely believes what she’s saying, or if she’s a cold calculated liar”.  That has been my questions since the accusations against me.  Either way, I don’t know which is worse.

The only word of advice I can give you is to be very careful around her.  I’m so sorry you are going through this!  You’ve come to a great place for help!

[Greenberg]

Hi Greenberg,

Welcome to the board.  Although I am terribly sorry for the circumstances that brought you here!

I also don’t have any words of wisdom on this matter.  But I do know how it feels to be on the receiving end of the nasty accusations.  Although mine were not accusations of abuse.

I really can’t say whether or not you should believe her.  I think that if the story isn’t adding up to you, and given her previous history... .it’s understandable that you have questions about believing her. 

I think you did the right thing in asking questions to the both of them to try and understand things better.  I know that hurt your husband deeply, but I also think that anyone in that situation would have done the same. 

In my situation it was being accused by my MIL of cheating and being on drugs.  It wasn’t just her saying those things, she went into deep detail with it.  The more we heard of the story, the more you could literally poke a coke bottle through the holes in her story. 

It’s horrible to have accusations against you, but I can only imagine how much more horrible seeing as she is accusing him of abuse.

A previous poster hit the nail on the head by saying “I’m not sure if she’s just delusional and truely believes what she’s saying, or if she’s a cold calculated liar”.  That has been my questions since the accusations against me.  Either way, I don’t know which is worse.

The only word of advice I can give you is to be very careful around her.  I’m so sorry you are going through this!  You’ve come to a great place for help!

Thank you for your response. Frankly, that was my very question as well. In fact I posed that question almost verbatim to a friend, searching for some kind of "truth" wondering if perhaps it lay somewhere in the middle. Any attempt at conversation with her turns into "it's not fair that I'm the scapegoat because I have a strong personality. I'm not playing the victim here" etc. Which frankly, is exactly what it sounds like. It's exhausting. Since then I've spoken to my mother, and obviously she's in a difficult position as well, but what stood out to me from our conversation was her negative attitude towards a friend (the one I mentioned that my sister started some drama about), and my mother seems to think that she's the one who instigated the accusations against my husband based on what my sister has told her. Which is funny (and infuriating that she's poisoning my mom's opinions about a friend who has ALWAYS been there for us, and who has welcomed us into her home countless times; we spent our youth there) because my sister was the one who went around asking her friends if anyone had ever felt uncomfortable around my husband, even at the slightest touch. Mind you this is the only friend who has reached out and invited my husband and myself out to maintain our friendship during this whole debacle.
And I've spoken to the other friend who said my husband touched her hair (which my sister brought up again during our last face to face conversation and did this intense sexual motion with her arms implying that he was caressed her up her back and neck, grabbing her hair... .which, I was there when he touched her hair and he literally patted her hair on the top of her head because it was cute and fluffy) and she said she didn't think he was a pervert and that she felt uncomfortable, but didn't feel like it was sexual and hasn't felt uncomfortable around him since. So my sister's attempts at making it seem like he's sexually harassing my friends have failed. AND she got mad when we spoke and was like "I told them to tell you the TRUTH!" So frankly more holes in her story. And again, makes me question how accurate her descriptions of how my husband touched her are, making those intense sexual hand gestures to say my husband caressed and grabbed her thighs, when he (according to him and I believe) tapped her leg during a conversation. Needless to say, if we are ever in the same room again, my husband will not be touching her in any way, and has asked me to keep her away from the kitchen when he's alone in there (even after her initial accusations, she'd go into the kitchen when he was alone in there, and he doesn't want to give her any reason to throw more accusations at him). My sister asked me if we weren't talking anymore, I sent her a long message basically saying I don't think she's a liar, that she has a right to her feelings, that I'm sorry that she's going through this and that she feels she had to hold this all in alone for the past however many years, that I'm not able to give her the 100% support she's looking for because I am between two people I love very much. That I hope she can accept my acknowledgement of her feelings without the condition of having to accept that my husband is some malicious sexual deviant. I don't know if I did the right thing to start to heal our relationship or if I'm enabling her. Time will tell I guess. I shall be more vigilant around her and the types of things she says about other people as well. I will not feed into it, and call her out when she's saying things I know to be untrue. My heart aches. But aside from that drama, my relationship with my husband is healing from this. During the thick of all of this our children noticed something was up and would ask us if we were getting a divorce  I honestly didn't know the answer to that, but things are looking up. We'll be going on 11 years this year and we're finally in a good place again after several months of turmoil. I hope not to relive this again with her, and if we do, I hope I won't be so easily swayed now that I'm seeing a pattern.