I need help with trauma bonding

[insideoutside]

Hi guys

Back again; 7 weeks into rekindled friendship that’s ended again.  This time I stupidly slept with my friend. I’m married, my husband had a minor stroke at the beginning of December and weirdly my friend reappeared days afterwards.  I thought here he is, my white knight who always seems to pick up on when things aren’t going well.  His initial emails were just ‘hi, how are you’ but increased with urgency when I didn’t respond as I wasn’t sure I was going to re-engage.  He then emailed again saying ‘please call or email, it’s important’.  I relented, never found out what was so important but guess that was the hook he needed to pull me in.  Within days he was asking to meet up and I keep saying no; then sexual comments started and I told him it would not be happening.  He kept saying I bet it does.  

To cut a long story short I met up with him after lots of pressurising.  I paid for a room (he paid nothing, didn’t even buy a drink) and slept with him.  The next day he didnt check up that I got home safe from my 2 hour journey home in torrential rain until 11pm after I had gone to bed.  The day after that he was going on about a threesome and paying for some woman to join us.  I felt disrespected and said how could he afford to pay for a woman to join us when he didn’t even offer to buy me a drink. He said to forget the idea. A couple of days passed with no communication and I sensed he was distancing himself.  I put out a feeler text and didn’t get much in return so I lost my cool and said how I felt disrespected, that the same level of being there for him isn’t the same level in return for me and I said he used me.  He got angry, declared our friendship over and blocked me.  I sat on it for a few days waiting for him to reach out but he didn’t so I tried to make amends.  My efforts were ignored until last Friday when he text me a really horrible message saying he doesn’t care about me, he wishes I’d leave him alone, my arrogance is staggering and I’m full of bullsh1t and excuses and he will not tolerate my behaviour or delusion.  He said if I had the balls to ring him and apologise for what I said he ‘may’ answer but would never read or respond to any text nesssges again.  I stupidly tried to call but each time it went to voicemail.  After an hour I was so enraged that I left him a message basically saying that he only contacted me in December to coerce me into meeting him for sex, he was a user and if he ever contacted me again I’d contact his agent and tell them they have a sexual predator on their books.  I then blocked him.  Within 15 minutes I had 3 missed calls and voicemails from him.  The first one was saying I’d stooped to a new level and he is flabbergasted by my comments, which he said isn’t me. The 2nd said he knew I’d end up regretting what I said for my own peace of mind and all I had to do was apologise but I couldn’t or wouldn’t do that (I tried several times but he ignored my efforts) but just pointed the finger at him; the 3rd voicemail said he was about to call me to go through it all to sort this all out but then heard my voicemail and then started waffling on about having no signal which is why my calls went to voicemail.  That’s a lie (he had my number blocked).  I called him and said he was warned not to contact me again; if he continues i will contact his agents and the police.  The end.  There’s been no further contact on either side since.

Problem is I think I’m trauma bonded.  I now think this last 2.5 years has been some kind of grooming; intermittent reinforcement and punishment trying to get me to fall in line.  He sometimes used to text ‘obey me’ which I laughed off.  I now think his behaviour has been sexually predatory.  I know I did wrong by sleeping with him; he got me at my most vulnerable with my husband being ill and me being hugely stressed as the marriage has never been easy, plus I saw his re-entry into my life as perfectly timed and saw him as an escape.

I need to forget him; he’s bad for my mental and physical health.  I know that; but why do I keep wanting to reach out and apologise when I’ve done nothing wrong.  I won’t as I’ve blocked him and calling him a sexual predator was a sure fire way to kill the friendship.  I just need to get him out of my head.  What a fool I’ve been yet again.

[Insom]

Hi, insideoutside!

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's stroke and hope he's healing well.  How are things at home?  Everyone OK?  (You have a daughter too, right?)  How are you doing?  It must feel stressful to have to take on a bigger than usual load of care.

Problem is I think I’m trauma bonded.  I now think this last 2.5 years has been some kind of grooming; intermittent reinforcement and punishment trying to get me to fall in line.  He sometimes used to text ‘obey me’ which I laughed off.  I now think his behaviour has been sexually predatory.  I know I did wrong by sleeping with him; he got me at my most vulnerable with my husband being ill and me being hugely stressed as the marriage has never been easy, plus I saw his re-entry into my life as perfectly timed and saw him as an escape.

Your story is especially interesting to me because there are similarities to mine.  I joined this board last spring because I was thinking about reaching out to an ex-boyfriend with BPD.  We had an intense relationship when we were teens that included trauma. We're in our forties now and I haven't had contact with him in over twenty years.

You initiated contact with your guy a couple of years ago, right?

[insideoutside]

Hi Insom

Thank you for replying; it seems posts these days don’t get many responses unless you are new to the forum which is sad.  We all still need advice and help from time to time.

My husband is better but has lost his driving licence for the foreseeable future as the damage to his peripheral vision hasn’t returned 100%.  I’ve had a very stressful 14 years with my husband which included emotional abuse over the years and an affair in which a child was born and I stupidly took him back  If it’s not one thing it’s another and his stroke was the catalyst to cheat; escapism from the 14 years of stress. I know it’s not right and the stroke wasnt his fault but it is what it is.  Yes we have a daughter who is shortly to turn 13.

You are correct; my friend is an ex boyfriend from 29 years ago (I’m now 46 and he is 50) and we became friends after I found him on Facebook two and a half years ago.  He always tried to initiate sexual contact but it never happened, plus we would fall out (mainly over the way he treated me), I’d get angry and he would then cut contact for months at a time; longest being 9 months from March last year until when he re-entered my life again in December.  Within weeks he was pretty much begging to meet up; so this time I agreed, but not straight away.  I planned it to coincide with a trip to see family, which I found had stayed with free of charge but he badgered me to get a hotel room.  So I paid £40 petrol for the journey and £50 for the room room.  I met him at 9.30om and we were together for 4 hours.  Complete waste of a room and he never offered any money towards it and didn’t even buy me a drink.  He left at 1.30am.  I got home about 4pm after spending time with family and about 11.30pm he text me to see how I was and if I’d got home ok which I didn’t see as I’d gone to bed upset that he hasn’t bothered texting.  The following day I replied and was normal towards him despite being upset.  He then text about us having a threesome next time (to be blunt he could barely keep up with me let alone 2 women)  and said he’d pay for an anonymous woman to join us.  I got annoyed at this given he hadn’t even stunpeduo £2 for a drink.  I put this to him and he got defensive and said we should drop the idea which I agreed.  There was no further communication for 2 days, I sent a feeler text and got a one liner response back 3 hours later.  I basically said that he was a man of few words lately so I’d catch up with him another time.  He tried a half assed attempt to be funny but I’d gone past finding him funny.  I felt I’ll at the beginning of that week and not once did he ask if I felt ok despite the two weeks leading up to us meeting him having flu and me checking up on him every day and him even calling me for help and advice.  All this was stewing inside me so I ended up texting him my feelings and how I think it’s one sided and he uses people and he got angry, told me our friendship was over, to delete his number and to never contact him again as I’m now blocked.  I waited 2 days for him to cool down and tried to make amends but it ended up with a nastier text last Friday.  That text hurt like hell and I retaliated to it by calling him a sexual predator and threatened to tell his agents if he ever contacted me again.  I regret saying that now but this guy has hurt me enormously over the two and a half years we’ve been back in contact.  

All I wanted was somebody to show me that they cared; that I meant something.  Obviously I meant sh1t to him.

[insideoutside]

Sorry for typos trying to type on an iPhone plus constant chattering in my ear

[Insom]

All I wanted was somebody to show me that they cared.

Oh, insideoutside, it sounds like you could use a big hug!    I know firsthand how disappointing it feels when someone you share an intimate bond with doesn't treat you well and I'm sorry to hear you're hurting.  At the same time, I'm thankful for your story which could just as well be mine. 

Do you have someone in your life, a wise and experienced person like a therapist, that you can talk about this stuff with?

Not once did he ask if I felt ok despite the two weeks leading up to us meeting him having flu and me checking up on him every day and him even calling me for help and advice.

Ouch.  It sounds like that really hurt.  Unfortunately, people with BPD have a big impairment when it comes to empathizing and offering support.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I am sorry to hear you're going through this. I am also working on breaking trauma bonds. My therapist has me reading a book called "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes. I haven't gotten very far in it yet but so far I think it will help me. Have you read anything like this or talked to a therapist about it?

[DaddyBear77]

Hi insideoutside - welcome back, but I'm sorry for the circumstances. It sounds like you had one big rollercoaster of a time the past couple of months.

I had an ex girlfriend who's father was a police officer. A year after our breakup (during which we had absolutely no contact), she had her father, a police officer in her town, contact the the police in my town to investigate me for stalking her. The police in my town said "this is ridiculous," and nothing ever came of it. Now here I am, over 20 years later, looking up that ex girlfriend as my current marriage is disintegrating, wondering if I should contact her or not.

So... .you're not alone. 

My response to these feelings of longing for an ex have been to, first of all, look at what's really wrong in my current marriage and figure out how to proceed there first. Also, at the same time, I'm realizing how much I LACK the network of friends and other support people to help me feel loved and cared for. It's being able to recognize what need was fulfilled by this liaison that will help you break away from him and perhaps other similar things that might come up in the future.

Sending you positive, cared-for thoughts insideoutside    

[insideoutside]

Thank you all for your replies.

I am struggling mentally with it all.  I was already in a low place with yet another set back in my marriage; really thought my friend was going to help me through it all.  Instead, after meeting up, he felt the need to tell me I’m arrogant, full of bullsh1t and excuses and I’m responsible for what I say and how I act.  No thought of me already in a stressful place prior to his re-entry into my life, pestering me to meet up with him and and leaving me to arrange everything, whilst trying to hold down a full time job and deal with a teenager.  He has no stress; he’s a part time actor who gets to play dress up for a living and has no responsibilities in life.  No thanks for being there for him when he was ill, no sympathy/empathy for me being ill.  Nothing.  Just door slammed shut and blocked yet again when he heard something he doesn’t like.  50 years old and he blocks me constantly and changes his number.  It’s pathetic, childish behaviour.

At this moment I hate him for how he makes me feel.

[Jeffree]

I need to forget him; he’s bad for my mental and physical health.  I know that; but why do I keep wanting to reach out and apologise when I’ve done nothing wrong.

This is another one of those really good, persistent questions I think many of us find ourselves asking. As a matter of fact, I was just ruminating about this myself yesterday and wondering how I might start a thread here along the lines of... .why do we make these people the end all be all?

I have no damned idea.

However, I do think almost all of us have at least one person in a lifetime who we seem willing to sacrifice everything for. That person who we let abuse us and keep going back to for more. I am sorry to say, this ex of yours seems to be that person for you.

You ask why. Again, my understanding is that these types of people hook right into our repetition compulsion of trying to right a wrong done to us from years ago.

It sounds as though being invalidated is a really hot button for you, and this guy plays right into that. But I ask, who else from your childhood was invalidating to you and who you would give anything to be validated by?

This could be the reason why you continue to grapple with someone else who invalidates you and who will never validate you.

J

[insideoutside]

It sounds as though being invalidated is a really hot button for you, and this guy plays right into that. But I ask, who else from your childhood was invalidating to you and who you would give anything to be validated by?

This could be the reason why you continue to grapple with someone else who invalidates you and who will never validate you.

Hi, thanks for your reply.  

It’s probably my mother to be honest, she’s invalidated my feelings my whole life.  Never felt that I’ve been good enough, pretty enough.  She never hugged me as a child or told me she loved me.  She was quite abusive physically and mentally at times.  I was always told I was strong and shouldn’t show weakness.  She’d get frustrated with me and peddle our the same old saying ‘god never gives you more than you can handle’ rather than provide any constructive advice or tell me everything’s going to be ok.  She left the UK when I was 20 to move to the USA. I’m 46 now and can count on both hands how many times I’ve seen her in those 26 years.  I haven’t seen her for 9 years now; she won’t put herself out to visit me so neither will I to visit her.

Also my friend cheated on me when we were younger; he was very promiscuous and slept with 4 women in one day before.  He was heavily into drugs back then too.  I was like a moth to a flame in those days.  I guess I hoped that as he is now clean and had some reflection on his past and more self aware and has been in therapy for years I may get the validation and acceptance from him I yearned for as a youngster.  That’s obviously never going to happen.

Why does he keep re-entering my life if all he is going to do is slam the door shut when he hears things he doesn’t like or accept?  I wonder whether each time he thinks I’m going to so grateful he’s returned that I’ll put up with any sh1t he throws at he.  Well he’s mistaken if that’s the case.

I don’t want a relationship with him; all I wanted was a friendship which he crosses the boundaries on constantly but clearly doesn’t want me in reality. I’ve said that to him; you like the idea of me but in reality I terrify you and you get bored.

I’m tired, confused, miserable and worn down.

[Jeffree]

Why does he keep re-entering my life if all he is going to do is slam the door shut when he hears thinks he doesn’t like or accept?

Your "friend" is not well, and he doesn't sound like much of a friend.

I would only venture a guess as to why he'd be so cruel, but perhaps his mind functions in such a way that he is numb to the feelings he has toward others and doesn't recall his cruelty at the times he reaches out to you, especially since he convinces himself you were the one at fault.

Then when you accept him back he is reassured that he didn't do anything untoward to you. Then, like you say, something will happen that turns him against you all over again. Maybe the more he feels for you the harsher he rejects you for fear of the intimacy?

May I ask, how much of this "friendship" has been about you propping him up and being there for him, as opposed to him being there for you?

J

It is exhausting wanting something from someone they are incapable of giving.

 

[Insom]

Jeffree makes a good point. 

It is exhausting wanting something from someone they are incapable of giving.

Would it be fair to say you have emotional needs for care and support that just aren't getting met?

[insideoutside]

May I ask, how much of this "friendship" has been about you propping him up and being there for him, as opposed to him being there for you?

The friendship has always been more about me supporting him to be honest.  I thought, like a lot of us on here, that I could help him; be the one he could trust and make a difference to his life.  In the early days he would get angry and tell me he doesn’t want or need my help then disappear.  He’s opened up a lot more as time had gone on and has tried to offer me advice on things which I appreciate but it’s pretty much an 80/20 split of me doing most of the supporting.

Another thing is that he has an issue with me drinking; I literally drink on a Saturday night only which is just one bottle of wine but he labels me with having a ‘drinking problem’ which really makes me cross.  He was an alcoholic and drug addict and now 11 years clean he thinks he had the right to tell people that they have a problem.  He also called me promiscuous!  I’ve been with my husband for 14 years and there had been no-one else, not even when he left me for another woman, until my friend recently where he freely told me he’s slept with over 200 women.

[insideoutside]

Jeffree makes a good point. 
Would it be fair to say you have emotional needs for care and support that just aren't getting met?

Yes, quite possibly.  I’m always there for others but hardly anybody is there for me.  I hate asking for help and try to appear strong.

[babyducks]

I need to forget him; he’s bad for my mental and physical health.  I know that; but why do I keep wanting to reach out and apologise when I’ve done nothing wrong.  

Hi insideoutside

part of trauma bonding is being overly fixated on the reactions and responses of the other person.

it's easiest to see in the most extreme examples of trauma bonding... .if you are a prisoner of war and you may or may not get fed based on whether you appease your captor... .well you are going to twist yourself into a pretzel to figure out how to appease them.

now if you try to apply that to our less extreme situations... .I can tell you I got (and am still) way over fixated on the reactions and responses of my Ex.     the hook for me wasn't food but the incredible idealization phase.    those times when I was the best person, the most wonderful person was the thing I craved.    and being devalued just made me try harder to get back to that idealization.

I'm not very good at self validating.    I tend to get my feelings of self esteem and self worth from others, not generate them internally.    My self talk tends to the negative side.    I am working on changing that because I think that's the way to disconnect from the idealization and devaluation.

what do you think?

'ducks

[insideoutside]

Hi insideoutside

part of trauma bonding is being overly fixated on the reactions and responses of the other person.

it's easiest to see in the most extreme examples of trauma bonding... .if you are a prisoner of war and you may or may not get fed based on whether you appease your captor... .well you are going to twist yourself into a pretzel to figure out how to appease them.

now if you try to apply that to our less extreme situations... .I can tell you I got (and am still) way over fixated on the reactions and responses of my Ex.     the hook for me wasn't food but the incredible idealization phase.    those times when I was the best person, the most wonderful person was the thing I craved.    and being devalued just made me try harder to get back to that idealization.

I'm not very good at self validating.    I tend to get my feelings of self esteem and self worth from others, not generate them internally.    My self talk tends to the negative side.    I am working on changing that because I think that's the way to disconnect from the idealization and devaluation.

what do you think?

'ducks

Hi babyducks

I’m am fixated on him wanting and needing me in his life; but also I feel I need him in my life too.  I truly thought as he has been in and out of my life we were somehow meant to help each other.  Destined if you like.  I know I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with him as that wouldn’t work.  I don’t know.  Like I said I’m confused by it all.  He obviously gets something from me as to keep re-entering my life numerous times after telling me our friendship is over but it never takes much for something to annoy him and off he goes again.

[babyducks]

Hi insideoutside

but also I feel I need him in my life too.  I truly thought as he has been in and out of my life we were somehow meant to help each other. 

if you don't look at him,  or what he wants and needs just for right now... .why do you feel like you need him?   what need is he meeting?    what is he potentially helping you with?

'ducks

[Cire155]

It’s probably my mother to be honest, she’s invalidated my feelings my whole life.  Never felt that I’ve been good enough, pretty enough.  She never hugged me as a child or told me she loved me.  She was quite abusive physically and mentally at times.  
 

I was in the same boat you are with my mother. It took a person with BPD to make me realize My issue came from my childhood. I put up with so much from my ex that people would ask me why I would sit there and take that kind of treatment. In my mind I knew they were right but I just wanted to be loved by someone who I wanted. The trauma bond you carry is from your relationship with your mother. This is the first stages on how you are taught to love. My therapist picked right up on it when talking with me. Usually people growing up in these dysfunctional households become overachievers to get some sense of validation because we never got it from home. We become co-dependents and caregivers to others even when we shouldn't. The push pull you have with your " friend" is the same you have with your mother. I was the same way.
 I had a ton of women trying to get me to settle down with them but they just weren't exciting for me. I needed that excitement that comes from being a codependent. I needed to feel like I have to earn your love and beg for it. Normal women just never worked out for me. My therapist made me see the connection between the women I was choosing and the relationship with my mother. I needed to fight for validation from someone instead of just receiving it normally. I needed that trauma bond feeling or else I got bored to pieces with the person I was with. I was looking for trauma love when good normal love was right in front of me. So I searched for it outside of my marriage. I needed that excitement to get my fix.
You have to take a long, hard, honest look at yourself and make the change. Devote yourself to changing the way you love. Start with your childhood and work on those unresolved issues. Talk with you mom and be clear on how your life was affected. Too often they have struggled with something in their lives that they were unable to give you the normal love you deserved. Go to therapy if you haven't. Your "friend" is not a friend. He is an opportunist and knows you are in an emotional hole. If your self esteem was where it should be, you wouldn't entertain him in the least bit. Work on loving yourself and practice it. I know its easier said than done but you will never establish good boundaries if you don't.

[insideoutside]

Hi insideoutside

if you don't look at him,  or what he wants and needs just for right now... .why do you feel like you need him?   what need is he meeting?    what is he potentially helping you with?

'ducks

You know I think it’s because I met him at a time in my life where I was just turning into an adult; gaining independence and when my life was not full of stress but fun and light.  I met him at a club that holds dear memories to me; the atmosphere and music from that era.  Maybe I’m trying to recapture those feelings, which I know is completely stupid, but he represents a time in my life where I was carefree and pretty happy.  Plus I don’t live near my hometown anymore so when I talk with him and hear his voice it’s like being ‘home’. That’s it; he feels like home.

[insideoutside]

I was in the same boat you are with my mother. It took a person with BPD to make me realize My issue came from my childhood. I put up with so much from my ex that people would ask me why I would sit there and take that kind of treatment. In my mind I knew they were right but I just wanted to be loved by someone who I wanted. The trauma bond you carry is from your relationship with your mother. This is the first stages on how you are taught to love. My therapist picked right up on it when talking with me. Usually people growing up in these dysfunctional households become overachievers to get some sense of validation because we never got it from home. We become co-dependents and caregivers to others even when we shouldn't. The push pull you have with your " friend" is the same you have with your mother. I was the same way.
 I had a ton of women trying to get me to settle down with them but they just weren't exciting for me. I needed that excitement that comes from being a codependent. I needed to feel like I have to earn your love and beg for it. Normal women just never worked out for me. My therapist made me see the connection between the women I was choosing and the relationship with my mother. I needed to fight for validation from someone instead of just receiving it normally. I needed that trauma bond feeling or else I got bored to pieces with the person I was with. I was looking for trauma love when good normal love was right in front of me. So I searched for it outside of my marriage. I needed that excitement to get my fix.
You have to take a long, hard, honest look at yourself and make the change. Devote yourself to changing the way you love. Start with your childhood and work on those unresolved issues. Talk with you mom and be clear on how your life was affected. Too often they have struggled with something in their lives that they were unable to give you the normal love you deserved. Go to therapy if you haven't. Your "friend" is not a friend. He is an opportunist and knows you are in an emotional hole. If your self esteem was where it should be, you wouldn't entertain him in the least bit. Work on loving yourself and practice it. I know its easier said than done but you will never establish good boundaries if you don't.

Thank you for this response.  My mother was emotionally and physically abused herself as a child; my father was an alcoholic who she left when I was only a baby.  I know she had a tough life being a single parent and I’ve tried talking to her in the past but she accepts no blame.  All she ever says was she done the best she could by us.  There was no love or affection as such. I remember a couple of traumatic things from my past that she’s never apologised for.

I kind of accept how I was bought up and have sympathy for my mum for her childhood being bad and always felt when she left to move to the USA that she deserved to be happy.  But she’s not there for me; never has been really.  If I used to call her crying (for example when when husband left to have an affair) she would yell down the phone at me ‘to stop crying’ and pull myself together.  She text in early December passing on her sympathy about my husbands stroke and I’ve not heard from her since. You are correct in that I always tried to please her and wanted her to love me unconditionally.  I need to grow fur, a tail, 4 legs and bark for her to really notice me.

I do think my friend preyed on my vulnerability from my husbands stroke; hence why I said to him if he contacted me ever again I’d contact his agent and tell them they had a sexual predator on his books. Not nice I know but that’s how I feel.

[Insom]

I’m always there for others but hardly anybody is there for me.  I hate asking for help and try to appear strong.

Yes, I can relate with this!  Have you considered getting into therapy for help?  It sounds like you have a lot going on between your history with your mom, your husband's stroke, the affair, your daughter whom I sure has complicated needs at her age . . . How would it feel to reach out to someone who can help share your load?




 

[insideoutside]

Yes, I can relate with this!  Have you considered getting into therapy for help?  It sounds like you have a lot going on between your history with your mom, your husband's stroke, the affair, your daughter whom I sure has complicated needs at her age . . . How would it feel to reach out to someone who can help share your load?

Hi Insom

I’ve had counselling in the past; I’m not sure how much further it could benefit me to be honest.  I may look into it.  My last counsellor was fantastic, she made me feel loved by the words she used and we went back and done a lot of work on my inner child.  

My daughter believe it or not is the least of my problems at this present time; however saying that last year we had a terrible year with her self harming and my anxiety was sky high.  See what I mean; there’s always something that wrecks havoc with my peace of mind.

I just want to feel cherished.  I’m sure my husband does in his own way but he doesnt show it emotionally, he just doesn’t have it in him.  Like most of us I want validation from the wrong person.  Why thats so important I have no idea but as indicated above I believe it’s because he reminds me of ‘home’ and a time in my life when I was truly happy.

[Insom]

I just want to feel cherished

I know, right?  One of the most challenging things about my relationship with my BPD-ex is that it seemed to hold a promise of cherishment that I craved but that wasn't delivered in a real way.  Sometimes I felt cherished.  Sometimes I felt abused.  And when I felt abused it made me very angry.  Sounds like you may be feeling angry, too?

[clvrnn]

 

I would suggest that you look up the work of Sharie Stines who is well versed on abusive relationships and she covers trauma bonding in depth, which I myself have found helpful.

I hope you are doing better


x

[insideoutside]

Sounds like you may be feeling angry, too?

I wouldn’t say I’m angry as such; I’m just deeply disappointed that the effort I put in is never matched.  Maybe my expectations of others are just too high but I don’t feel I’m asking a lot; just mutual respect.  I’ve learned that no matter how much I’m there for someone, reassure them and show them I care it’s never enough or it’s simply not reciprocated.  My struggle is why does he keep re-entering my life (this has been going on now for two and a half years) if I really don’t mean anything.  I really struggle with that, thinking I must mean something after all if he keeps coming back in my life, but then remember he is ill and actions speak louder than words.  Is he using me because he knows I care about him; is he an opportunist as cire155 says as he knows eventually he’ll wear me down and I’ll give in and accept his nonsense (which I haven’t done until now), or is he a sexual predator and that had been his goal all along and now I’m discarded as he got what he wanted?

I don’t think he will be in contact again as 1. He got the end goal and 2. My threat of contacting his agents will stop him as he values being an actor too much and has a very grandiose opinion of himself in that regard so he won’t risk putting that on the chopping block

[Insom]

Hi, insideoutside.  It's been a few days.  How are you feeling today?

[insideoutside]

Hi, insideoutside.  It's been a few days.  How are you feeling today?

Hi Insom

I’m good; thanks for asking.  Still ruminating a bit; have had the urge to reach out and apologise but sat with the feelings until they passed.  It wouldnt had helped me to be given the ST or find out I’m blocked so I let the moment pass.  Still kinda holding out hope for an apology of sorts and him realising he was wrong and misses me, but I know that’s about the same odds as winning the lottery.

I’ll get there.  Life goes on.