Trauma Bonding or Slow Progress?

[clvrnn]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me in July 2017, then there were those awful few months of contact until September where she met up and she love-bombed and then immediately discarded me. Another month of me contacting her until October when I went NC for the final time.

Six months since break up, three since full NC.

I find myself still being upset and still thinking about her often, I am wondering if this is 'normal' for a relationship of this kind? Sometimes I feel as if I should be well over this, but I'm not and it's frustrating/worrying.

[Insom]

Hi, clvrnn! 

I'm sorry to hear you're still hurting.  You are not alone!  I am here to process a relationship that happened over twenty years ago.  During the relationship I pushed a lot of thoughts and feelings down and it took me a long time to feel ready to examine them.   

I am wondering if this is 'normal' for a relationship of this kind?

I'm not sure there's a "normal" here because people with BPD are by definition disordered. But there's no doubt that emotionally intense relationships offer something special in the way of self-exploration.  They invite questions and introspection in a way that healthier relationships don't.

I find myself still being upset and still thinking about her often.

When you think about her what are you thinking about?

[valet]

Sounds normal to me from the way you're describing it, clvrnn.

Are you frustrated because you think about her more than you expected to? What about this worries you?

[Speck]

Hello, clvrnn.

I agree with what Insom says:

I'm not sure there's a "normal" here because people with BPD are by definition disordered.

I'd like to add that there is a great deal of enmeshment that happens when one is romantically involved with someone who suffers from BPD.  It's almost a requirement for the pwBPD, as in, they tend to want to attach to you as soon and as deeply as possible.  When things eventually go BOOM, it can take quite a while to untangle yourself from their clutches, "mind-meld", or whathaveyou.

So... .just remember to give yourself all the time and space you need to process this stuff.  There is no time limit, nor statute of limitations on grief. Also, if full NC is working (i.e., helpful) for you, then work it.

Keep writing, if it helps. We're listening.


-Speck

[clvrnn]

Sounds normal to me from the way you're describing it, clvrnn.

Are you frustrated because you think about her more than you expected to? What about this worries you?

I am frustrated about this, yes. I thought that by now, it would have died down and I'd think about her less but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I just worry that it won't ever go away. I'm tired of feeling this way.

[clvrnn]

Hello, clvrnn.

I agree with what Insom says:

I'd like to add that there is a great deal of enmeshment that happens when one is romantically involved with someone who suffers from BPD.  It's almost a requirement for the pwBPD, as in, they tend to want to attach to you as soon and as deeply as possible.  When things eventually go BOOM, it can take quite a while to untangle yourself from their clutches, "mind-meld", or whathaveyou.

So... .just remember to give yourself all the time and space you need to process this stuff.  There is no time limit, nor statute of limitations on grief. Also, if full NC is working (i.e., helpful) for you, then work it.

Keep writing, if it helps. We're listening.


-Speck

Hi Speck, and thank you for the reply.

In regards to the enmeshment - I remember the first time we met, she stayed at my house for four days. Prior to that we would spend eight hours a night on the phone... .I remember feeling as if I'd finally met my 'soulmate' and I remember at times as the relationship went on, wondering what happened to that person I spoke to every night... that side of her completely vanished. We spent a lot of time together (even though I tried to slow things down) and we'd speak almost every minute of the day.

I see what you mean about the untangling... .right now I feel as if there is no one else on the planet who I can connect with, that will understand me. I know this probably isn't true.

NC... .I'm finding NC so difficult. I am dying to speak to her and to get back with her (trauma bonding?) even though I KNOW it doesn't work. I can't speak to her because she can be very damaging for my mental health. So I'm stuck in NC. I think about her all the time. I wish it would stop

[clvrnn]

When you think about her what are you thinking about?

I wonder whether I should just get back together with her and accept the emotional abuse/BPD patterns, so that I don't have to go through this detachment.

I wonder if she's met someone else yet, and sometimes I think about breaking NC to find this out (why I'd want to know this, I don't know)

I think about our sex life often (sorry to be crude) - our sex was often heightened by her breaking up/making up with me, so was normally quite intense w/ lots of emotion

I wonder if I can pretend to be friends so we can meet up and I can tell her how I feel in person

I feel scared that I'll never get over her and be feeling like this forever

Just everything, really. I try to stay busy but I just think about these things even when I'm doing stuff

[Speck]

Hello, again, clvrnn.

I see what you mean about the untangling... .

Yes, it can take a ridiculous amount of energy, resolve, and time to emotionally detach from a personality disordered person.  Just take it day by day, like you're doing, and you're doing such a great job, by the way.  Father Time is a friend.

right now I feel as if there is no one else on the planet who I can connect with, that will understand me. I know this probably isn't true.

Well, I see what you mean, and I know that I have felt that way myself... .until I discovered bpdfamily.  In real life or in your local circle of friends, it may, indeed, be difficult to find people who are willing to talk about (or even know) what it's like to emotionally detach from a pwBPD.  But I don't think you'll find that problem here.

We've been there, we believe you, and we're rooting for you.

Keep writing, if it helps.


-Speck 

[clvrnn]

Hello, again, clvrnn. Just take it day by day, like you're doing, and you're doing such a great job, by the way.  Father Time is a friend.

Thank you. It doesn't feel as if I am doing a good job at all, but I appreciate the words of kindness.

, I see what you mean, and I know that I have felt that way myself... .until I discovered bpdfamily.  In real life or in your local circle of friends, it may, indeed, be difficult to find people who are willing to talk about (or even know) what it's like to emotionally detach from a pwBPD.  But I don't think you'll find that problem here.

It's very hard IRL. My only friend often says things like "you'll be fine" - I'm sure I will, in the end. But navigating these confusing, painful, horrid emotions is so difficult.

[clvrnn]

Valentine's Day

I have found today so far to be immensely difficult. I have broken down in tears a few times already - and almost contacted her. What stopped me is the fear of... .well, the fear of what she can do to my emotions, my mental health. The fear of finding something out. The fear of being rejected again. So I haven't contacted her. I managed to steer myself away from it. I came up with several ideas - pretend to be OK with being friends, blah blah blah. I am fed up of feeling like this. If she wasn't so unpredictable, I'd just break NC. But I can't. I want to more than anything. I feel sick of myself writing this, thinking about this. I'm sick of the whole thing.

[Aiko]

Hang in the calvrnn, I know the feelings you're going through many of us do and it is so incredibly difficult as you say. Sounds like you are thinking about it properly.  One piece of advice that I read that has worked for me is that we need to "white knuckle" it for a period of time. Sounds like you are white knuckling now and that is ok.  The alternative is a lifetime of the other stuff and thats no place to be.  So perhaps think of this short term agony as better than the lifelong pain we would've been destined for. Hang in there today - the sun will rise again tomorrow.  Time will ease this pain.

[Insom]

I'm with Aiko, hang in there, clvrnn!  This takes time.

[Speck]

"you'll be fine"

Ha... .if I had a nickle for every time I've heard that... .

Yes, that's exactly what I mean about your local IRL friends not being able to parse what you're going through. They mean well, and wish well, but, like Aiko says, this is a very painful time of "white knuckling" the raw waves of pain and loss.

It does get better, and, yes, "you'll be fine", whatever that is. Just breathe through the ache, allow time to pass, distract yourself if you can... .keep writing if it's helpful. We're listening.


-Speck

[valet]

I am frustrated about this, yes. I thought that by now, it would have died down and I'd think about her less but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I just worry that it won't ever go away. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I see. I went through a similar internal battle for a while.

The way that I learned to look at it was that I could try to fight the thoughts, feel ashamed for having them, worry that they meant I would always constantly have them... .or that I could just let them come and go as they pleased, without trying to take some meaning away from them. I decided at some point to treat my thoughts as what they are—just thoughts.

It might help to try and remember the other things you thought today (or any day), so that you have some sort of frequency to compare those pesky 'ex-thoughts' from the others.

And just remember, we're all only human. We get frustrated. We obsess. We can be impulsive. But all of us can learn.

What would you think about accepting your thoughts (you're going to have them no matter what) and looking at them from the perspective of someone that was trying to learn from them?

[clvrnn]

Hang in the calvrnn, I know the feelings you're going through many of us do and it is so incredibly difficult as you say. Sounds like you are thinking about it properly.  One piece of advice that I read that has worked for me is that we need to "white knuckle" it for a period of time. Sounds like you are white knuckling now and that is ok.  The alternative is a lifetime of the other stuff and thats no place to be.  So perhaps think of this short term agony as better than the lifelong pain we would've been destined for. Hang in there today - the sun will rise again tomorrow.  Time will ease this pain.

Thank you, Aiko. I am thinking about a lot of things. I have realised that it may take longer to heal than I thought/expected it would. That's something I have had to learn to accept, particularly recently. You are 100% correct; this short term pain is infinitely better than being with her for even another year... .your reply has given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

[clvrnn]

I see. I went through a similar internal battle for a while.

The way that I learned to look at it was that I could try to fight the thoughts, feel ashamed for having them, worry that they meant I would always constantly have them... .or that I could just let them come and go as they pleased, without trying to take some meaning away from them. I decided at some point to treat my thoughts as what they are—just thoughts.

It might help to try and remember the other things you thought today (or any day), so that you have some sort of frequency to compare those pesky 'ex-thoughts' from the others.

And just remember, we're all only human. We get frustrated. We obsess. We can be impulsive. But all of us can learn.

What would you think about accepting your thoughts (you're going to have them no matter what) and looking at them from the perspective of someone that was trying to learn from them?

I think yes, learning from this experience is crucial. I am learning to accept that I have these thoughts - I went through a period of hating feeling like this (and that still happens) but I have come to realise that maybe this will just take a bit longer than I thought.

[valet]

I think yes, learning from this experience is crucial. I am learning to accept that I have these thoughts - I went through a period of hating feeling like this (and that still happens) but I have come to realise that maybe this will just take a bit longer than I thought.

I think that this is a super important realization in itself. 

It takes what it takes, and one way or another, we learn to let go.

[clvrnn]

I'm not really feeling that good, today. I want to contact her and tell her just how much everything is hurting. Tell her that all the little things she said and promised me while we were together meant so much to me. That I don't understand any of this - or even why it's me who's been cut out of her life and everyone else gets to stay. The change of number and the exclusion and removal of me is what hurts the most.

I really thought she understood me and that she wouldn't do what others have done by leaving me. I'm scared to even approach her because she can be very ruthless and mean and I don't know when she'll do it (walking on eggshells) and I already feel fragile and vulnerable. If she's in the wrong mood she'll just block me or tell me to leave her alone.

I don't see how these feelings can ever go away. The fact is that I trusted her and she hurt me and abandoned me. How can I ever trust anyone again?

[Aiko]

Try and fight the urge, remember white knuckle, try to think of other things.  You reaching out will likely as you state backfire, make you feel worse, her better, feed her false narrative of you, set back your healing.   Does any of that sound like what you want to achieve by reaching out. Try not to worrry about trusting anyone else right now, just focus on healing and getting over her.  You will, trust the process, and you will learn to trust again, trust the process.
Hang in there and resist contacting her// not many or any good examples on this forum of it ending well for those who do it, likelybyoubwont be the first.  Chin up.

[Emotions]

I feel as though the healing works drip by drip each day. I am filling up a large glass, that I wish just filled up in one day. However, it seems each day of being apart it fills up just one drop. Some days some spills out, and it feels like it's going in the wrong direction. but I am healing and growing stronger nonetheless, albeit MUCH MUCH slower than I want... .Hang in there, it gets better and I have gotten (you can too) used to living life without the trauma bonds... .will it ever go away? I don't know, but I know that I am getting used to my life as it is now, and there are many positives and things I am thankful for. I hope you are able to notice the positives in your life, even when the bonds of your relationship try to distract you! Good luck

[Speck]

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time.  It is hard.  And... .painful.  Sometimes, it's helpful to just tell someone you're on the Struggle Bus with this. And... .we definitely understand you. We've been there. Some of us are still there... .

If I may, I'd like to gently suggest that instead of contacting your ex, perhaps you can focus on what you need to do for yourself that will bring you wholeness, happiness, comfort, and peace. Easier said than done, I know. But, this is the time to treat yourself beyond well. Said another way, if no one can do those things for us (bring us a big ol' plate of wholeness, happiness, comfort, with a side of peace), then we have to go get it for ourselves.

I'm not sure contacting your ex will fit on that yummy plate.


-Speck