Walking the line

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,
This website is so informative and almost addictive - as I continue my search to understand BPD. I have 31yr old stepdaughter uBPD - without a doubt she has BPD - ticks everyone of the traits and some... .Only in the past two years have we become aware of BPD through researching information on seeking help for her with recovery from alcohol abuse.

I have read number of books -
Stop walking on Eggshells
Understanding the borderline mother
Be the Cause, Healing Human Disconnect
Borderline - A memoir
Get me out of here - my recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder
The Enabler
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children

and I am of view that not only is my sd a uBPD but also her natural mother is a uBPD., and grandmother... .we have as a family being literally walking on eggshells around the sd for years - and now thankfully this is no longer going to be the situation. As we (her father my DH and the two sons) have drawn a line and no more enabling., accepting her rages and vile abuse etc., it is time she addresses her issues via what ever is necessary to enable her to have a life she will be happy with etc., as no one else can do it for her... .

It is only the start on a new life path for us and we do need to address with her face to face - her behaviors etc., and inform her what is what and what is no longer acceptable - she needs to face her realities and learn to cope/manage how to deal with each of the daily/weekly/monthly tasks we in the "other" world have to do... .time to walk the line... .(she is currently in week 4 of a 20 week in house program for dual addiction to alcohol and drugs) and we are thoroughly enjoying the peace and beginning to distress as it was extremely stressful for the past few months prior to her going in. Thank you all in advance for the pre-existing threads etc., they are so helpful.

[Smusher]

Hi All,
This website is so informative and almost addictive - as I continue my search to understand BPD. I have 31yr old stepdaughter uBPD - without a doubt she has BPD - ticks everyone of the traits and some... .Only in the past two years have we become aware of BPD through researching information on seeking help for her with recovery from alcohol abuse.

I have read number of books -
Stop walking on Eggshells
Understanding the borderline mother
Be the Cause, Healing Human Disconnect
Borderline - A memoir
Get me out of here - my recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder
The Enabler
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children

and I am of view that not only is my sd a uBPD but also her natural mother is a uBPD., and grandmother... .we have as a family being literally walking on eggshells around the sd for years - and now thankfully this is no longer going to be the situation. As we (her father my DH and the two sons) have drawn a line and no more enabling., accepting her rages and vile abuse etc., it is time she addresses her issues via what ever is necessary to enable her to have a life she will be happy with etc., as no one else can do it for her... .

It is only the start on a new life path for us and we do need to address with her face to face - her behaviors etc., and inform her what is what and what is no longer acceptable - she needs to face her realities and learn to cope/manage how to deal with each of the daily/weekly/monthly tasks we in the "other" world have to do... .time to walk the line... .(she is currently in week 4 of a 20 week in house program for dual addiction to alcohol and drugs) and we are thoroughly enjoying the peace and beginning to distress as it was extremely stressful for the past few months prior to her going in. Thank you all in advance for the pre-existing threads etc., they are so helpful.

[ForeverDad]

It is a shame that so many of us searched for so long to learn and understand what we've been dealing with for all these years.  In my case, I even sought help from a counselor who had a degree.  Three visits, listing all the conflict with my then-spouse and all the counselor was interested in was asking about my FOO (family of origin).  In three sessions not one suggestion to help me to deal with my now-ex nor even a comment about Personality Disorders.  However, a few months later I called my regional university hospital and the man who answered said they couldn't help "but it sounds like a Personality Dysfunction".  Just a few minutes on the phone and I got a clue to point me in the right direction.

Everyone here has a different story how they learned about Borderline, Narcissistic, Paranoid, Histrionic and Antisocial PDs, the ones most commonly referred to as acting-out disorders.

There are communication and boundary skills emphasized here that help persons to improve contact with people with BPD, but that often just reduces the level of our conflict.  We can't fix the disordered ones in our lives, they have to really want to fix themselves (with trained guidance from neutral professionals) but sadly some don't or won't improve.

Another book is "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!"  The author was BPD and recovered eventually.

If there are legal issues such as divorce, custody or protection orders, Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger authored a "SPLITTING" handbook with excellent legal advice.

[livednlearned]

I have read number of books -
Stop walking on Eggshells
Understanding the borderline mother
Be the Cause, Healing Human Disconnect
Borderline - A memoir
Get me out of here - my recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder
The Enabler
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children

Two others that might be helpful: Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr, and Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning.

My SD20 is uBPD (diagnosed bipolar with psychotic depression). I have to take really good care of myself so that I have the necessary compassion to apply the skills mentioned in those two books. My boundaries are watertight, too. D20 has many lovely qualities, and I am able to appreciate those qualities when my needs are met, when my time with her is limited, intentional, and structured.

I also brush up on those skills before SD20 comes to visit. They can go a bit stale because regular relationships aren't quite as demanding.

Will your SD be living with you when she leaves the dual addiction program?

[Smusher]

LivedandLearned & Forever Dad - thank you for the recommendations - I have added the books to the list of need to get/read etc... .i have over the past years encouraged sd to seek counselling as there are deep issues /emotions she had been running from for years etc - and all the self harming was her way of dealing with life but yet really ignoring life... .all prior to my knowledge of BPD, upon researching it, the encouragement was to seek out DBT as i had numerous conversations with sd there after letting her speak out about things, struggles etc and I suggested that she seems to struggle with managing her emotions and reareaction situations etc and that DBT was very effective for individuals in this type scenario, plus gave her brochure on it. Sd  engaged with doctor who referred her for appt with district adult mental health team (she lives where there is socialised medicine system). Unfortunately there was a serious situation between sd & boyfriend resulting her stay I  hospital for 5 days, (alcohol involved- both parties) thus she missed appointment. Due to circumstances she had to moved away for safety etc. She wanted rehab but sd  stayed  with me for 2 weeks prior as rehab  had no openings - second time round I have had her here for it and it was unbelievably challenging to say the least... .trying to deal/manage a person detoxing 24x7 with uBPD