ongoing misery due to scapegoating and rubber stamping of abuse

[zachira]

How do you deal with years of scapegoating by family and the friends of the family? I have to attend a business meeting with long time friends of the family. I don't consider these people friends at all because they have always talked down to me, and let me know they do not value me as a person at all, even though I have never done anything to them. My aunt who was also a scapegoat of the family was always also treated with contempt by these people. I have tried to tactfully get these meetings to be more democratic and more respectful of everyone, and to not let the President who facilitates the meeting insult anyone who does not agree with him and it is not just me who he insults. Everyone just sits there and goes along with the mistreatment of the people they view as inferior. The minutes of the meeting often contain lies, and say things were voted on which didn't happen and were things the bullies wanted.
When I was a child and teenager, there was a child molester and rapist that worked for this group, and they refused to let him go after molesting many girls over a period of at least 20 years. He was finally asked not to come back at the end of his contract after he sexually assaulted an employee a few weeks earlier. I feel this environment reigns today, and it makes me sick.
I just find it so heartbreaking to have to put up with this ongoing abuse. I hope to one day never have to deal with these people again.
Thank you for reading this, as I needed to get this of my chest. I really wish I could cut these people out of my life, and that is not possible right now. I also do not want to be complicit in an environment that fosters mistreatment of others.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi zachira,

It's absolutely awful when you feel (or know) that you're being painted black by the family. I understand the frustration you're feeling right now.

In the short term, as tough as it is, I'd try to focus only on the business at hand during meetings and try to avoid any conversation about the family or personal matters. You cannot change how other act, but you can decide how to react to their insults and condescending behavior. What can you do to keep your cool if/when you see insulting behavior from others (including the President) in these meetings? Can you follow up after the meeting minutes are posted with clarifying questions or observations?

I have to ask, though: long term, where does this current business situation with your long term career goals? You deserve to work in an environment where you're not subjected to harsh treatment and judgement based on personal matters.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Zachira,

I was also the scapegoat, so I get where you’re coming from. But I found this didn’t occur anywhere else. Can you not change something about your current setting ? New manager, location, company ?
I did read that other family members only join in, because they’re worried it would be them being bullied if not the scapegoat. Fear keeps the sheep together. So it not personal.  Be proud you’re not a sheep, they are as common as muck and its the scapegoats that are more likely to create change.
 
From a business perspective, legislation should prevent prejudice which is what scapegoating boils down to.  But if your President is part of the problem, then is there any value in that ?

I would agree with Geek Girl, focus on changing how you view this in the short term. Don't forget its designed to wind you up, and that is a technique used in the boardrooms of most business. So to them its a game of manipulation, its not personal. It's designed to trigger you, so if it doesn't, you win. And if you get good at that, people with NPD are the easiest ones to trigger. Do you think you will consider moving outside this dynamic in the long term ?