Step-daughter And Her Mom Controlling Our Lives

[islandgurl]

I have been with my spouse for over six years. His daughter is 13, her Mom has been diagnosed with BPD as well as other things but she says she has PTSD and doesn't have BPD. We have a shared parenting arrangement where my Stepdaughter is with us week on week off.  Her Father works out of town and when he is not home she is in my care. I have a 15 year old living in the home full time.  

Her Mother is taking us court wanting more money (money to us isn't the issue it would be cheaper technically for us to just pay money to stepdaughter's mom than what we spend monthly on stepdaughter, the issue for us is the unhealthy home environment she lives in with her mom).  

From the beginning of our relationship I have helped my spouse deal with the legalities related to getting time with his daughter.  He was denied access, accused of being abusive and needing supervised visits, (she didn't like the first supervisor when she would show up to drop off their daughter so we paid for two supervisors because it was so ridiculous and we would do anything to have time with my stepdaughter) we were chased out of parking lots, yelled and sworn at, abusive phone calls, text message and emails as well as our house broken into.  

My stepdaughter and her Father have a very strong bond and the mom has been unable to come between them.  Parental alienation had been directed at him and has for the last two years been mainly directed at me.  I have blocked my stepdaughter's mom from contacting me because her messages were mean and disgusting.

When stepdaughter leaves here she says whatever she wants about anything that has gone in our home (in her mom's home there are a lot of secrets and the stepdaughter does not share anything that goes on- Social Services have been called a few times due to the neglect from the mother. Stepdaughter and Mother then lie to Social Services.  They say there is nothing they can do unless we get physical proof) .

Stepdaughter lies to me and I don't know what to believe. She says she wants to be in our home (which is an amazing home where my kid's friends are always over) but after she leaves we get emails that have twisted facts about something that has gone on as well as saying stepdaughter doesn't want to be in our home when her Dad isn't, I find it to be a big struggle. First because it the facts are not facts, the stepdaughter must have said something and either she twisted it or her mom did and second we are a home of openness and communication and my stepdaughter does not share with us her feelings.

 We received the court papers that the mom filed filled with lies saying the stepdaughter has huge anxiety, nervousness and feels sick every time she comes and leaves when I am looking after her and I feel if that is the case she shouldn't come.  But the reality is the Mom only wants the change of a couple extra days because she would get full child support.

My spouse has decided that we will go to court and ask for it to remain the same the schedule plus more time and if it doesn't go our way then he will forego time with his daughter and have her one weekend a month when he is home and take her somewhere out of our home.  When she is with her Mom longer than a week she comes and is mean, rude, doesn't listen and entitled.  

Her lack of respect towards me is brutal and I am tired of trying.  I have been the driving force of his relationship with his daughter because he would have given up years ago.  As well I have been the one to organize any extra curricular activity my stepdaughter is in and paid for any costs associated with her.  When she is at her Mom's she doesn't go to her extra curricular activities (because we don't pay for it so it doesn't matter if we go) whereas I am constantly juggling kids and activities so she doesn't miss out on anything.

My spouse and I have a strong relationship and he is done dealing with the crazy that encompasses us all because of the exBPD spouse. The dysfunction that exists in my stepdaughter's other home influences her behaviours.  I can not understand as she spends the most amount of time with me than with any other adult and I live in kindness yet the mean and bullying traits supersede any of my nice ones.  I know a change is going to happen one or another once we go to court, but in the meantime I just feel angry and I am struggling on how to deal with my stepdaughter when she is in my care.

We both do counselling and basically I am told to just let her be in our home and do what she wants and that she is just trying to survive her environment.  It frustrates me as she gets away with behaviour that is completely unacceptable for my own children.  I don't know, does any one have any advice?  I feel like I am going crazy.  It is like my stepdaughter and her mom control our lives. I feel bad for my spouse because he is an amazing Father to my kids and I feel I am letting him down because I am done wanting to try for his child. Perhaps someone can help here! Thanks in advance:)

[ForeverDad]

I wonder if the week-on week-off approach is not appropriate for the circumstances.  I recall my Custody Evaluator stating that alternating weeks shouldn't be considered before age 10, that equal time using split weeks would be better.  That's for normal divorces.  With BPD you can throw the usual expectations out the window.

I recall what my Custody Evaluator wrote in his initial report (before she lost us son's pediatrician who decided to Withdraw Services):  "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should have custody... ."  Well, we did try Shard Parenting as all the professionals wished.  Didn't work.  It took 3 years to become Legal Guardian.  Still didn't work because the GAL wanted ex to keep equal time so she could get child support.  It took nearly 3 more years to get majority time during the school year.  As with many members here, our ex-spouses were quite entitled and controlling, with alienation and manipulation mixed in... .

My lawyer was never comfortable with my ex having too long a time with our son.  Post divorce we started a 2-2-3 schedule where she had Mon-Tue overnights, I had Wed-Thu overnight and we alternated the weekends.  So he was never away from me for more than 5 days.  I wanted the court to make our 50/50 time a 7-7 schedule where we each had a week on and a week off.  I reasoned our in-person exchanges were so high conflict that fewer exchanges would be better.  But my lawyer asked, ":)o you really want the court to think that you're comfortable with her having longer periods with your son (to disparage you, court's words)?"

Also, has anyone done price comparisons on what child support would be for equal time versus a little more time for mother?  In my state the difference is negligible.  During my divorce I had alternate weekends (non-primary parent) in the temp order and paid a little less than $700 for CS.  Then we didn't do CS while my ex was getting alimony.  When CS restarted I had moved up to equal time (50%) and actually had to pay more CS than when the temp order had me at alternate weekends (22%).  I was surprised, I thought it would go down.  Yes, maybe I earned a little more then before but my point is that there wasn't that much difference between the two.  Is it possible that the Ex thinks she will get way more money if she has more time?  Get the calcs and run them for yourselves, determine what the risk/reward really is.

The real issue is the behaviors between homes.  It won't automatically vanish once mom gets her way.  It's possible she will view winning a concession as breaking his prior boundaries and enable/encourage her to do even more boundary bashing.  Sadly, appeasement doesn't work for very long at all when dealing with acting-out PDs.  Is SD in counseling?  Courts love counseling for the children.  The key is to get a reputable, experienced counselor.  Typically the disordered parent will try to get an inexperienced and gullible counselor so the counselor gets sidetracked with the conflict and focuses on the wrong things.

[livednlearned]

Hi islandgurl,

It's no picnic being a stepparent to a child who has one parent with BPD 

We received the court papers that the mom filed filled with lies saying the stepdaughter has huge anxiety, nervousness and feels sick every time she comes and leaves when I am looking after her and I feel if that is the case she shouldn't come.  But the reality is the Mom only wants the change of a couple extra days because she would get full child support.

It sounds like a good strategy to respond to the motion by asking for more time. Does your H have a lawyer representing him?

How do you feel about the plan he is proposing?

Her lack of respect towards me is brutal and I am tired of trying.  I have been the driving force of his relationship with his daughter because he would have given up years ago.

 

I understand.

My SO's D20 is likely BPD herself (she was diagnosed bipolar at age 16, but has an intense fear of abandonment... .).

For me, what works is to focus on self care like it's never been more important. When D20 is living with us, I make sure my needs are met first so that I have the emotional strength to have compassion for her. That has meant different things at different times. I care about her and want her to be ok in the world, and I can only express that when I am feeling strong and healthy myself.

I was in a BPD relationship myself and was worried my S16 was headed that way, so out of love and concern for him, learned communication and relationship skills that I now use with D20. None of these skills work if my cup is empty, so I put most of my focus on taking care of myself. A lot of that work is about having healthy boundaries.

When D13 is mean to you, what usually happens? Maybe we can walk with you and share some ideas for ways to respond. Even if D13 is not BPD, she likely has some of the emotional immaturity learned from her mom. She may respond to boundaries in ways that surprise you.

Also, is your counselor familiar with BPD dynamics? I found that counseling was helpful, but to learn effective skills, I had to come here, and read books about BPD. Whether D20 is BPD or not, the skills have turned things around in our home. Without them, I'm not sure where SO and I would be 

[jenbren2006]

I am so sorry for the life that you have had to go through with your spouse.  Life could be so happy and easy but it is impossible with the mother and stepdaughter in your life. 
After 3 and a half years of fighting in the courts my husband is ready to forego his relationship with his children.  He has fought so hard for more time right now it is 50/50 but the judge refuses to change anything.  We even had a custody evaluator three times tell the judge the kids need less time with their mother and the judge has not listened. 
The first week of our marriage I was reported to CPS about an incident that never even occured by my step daughter who was 10 at the time.  The first year of our marriage we had 12 emergency custody motions filed against us and 16 phone calls to the police with them actually knocking on our door a few times.  The judge is aware of all of this and allows it to continue. 
We were at our wits end because everytime my husband was with his children and tried to discipline them (simply by yelling) choas would ensue and the cops would get callled so it led us to move 1000 miles away (his parents get them on his time).  He now sees them once every 3 months.  Things have not settled down with the kids or the ex.  This last visit over new years he was with the kids for a week.  All the time with them was enjoyable for him except one incident were they were being disrespectful towards him and he yelled at them.  As soon as they got to their mothers house the kids informed their mom of what happened and fabricated that the older son ended up having bruises on his hand (which never happened).  CPS actually ended up investigating him and found everything unfounded-big shock because my husband was acting as an actual father and simply disciplinging his children. 
We are now at the point where we can't handle any more incidents.  It's been hell this last 3 and a half years.  On February 28th there is a status conference and my husband is going to try to force the judge to act.  At this point we don't care if it goes the other way we just all need a change.  We're miserable, the kids are miserable, the ex is miserable, and the grand parents are miserable and the judge refuses to change anything. 
My husband and I are very christian and we have faith that if he needs to part ways from his children now they will return when they are older.  He has been an amazing supportive father to them.  But our health is failing and we can't constantly live in this stress.  I have an 11 year old daughter that both of us are trying to raise and she needs parents too. We all deserve happiness and peace.  He has fought a good fight for his children and tried to save them but it's only getting worse.  It's time for a change.
I think your plan about your husband only taking her one weekend a month is a good one if you don't get extra time.  You have every right to feel the way you do and are justified in that decision.  I wish you well on your journey and hope both of you can find some happiness.

[wirrimai]

I am so sorry that this situation is so difficult for you.

[islandgurl]

Thank you for taking the time to share and ask questions.  I am trying to figure out how to respond to each response individually but haven't got that down yet. 

The week on week off was originally set up in 2013 after denied access and a schedule that was a day mid week and a couple days on the weekends.  That never worked as my SD struggled with acclimatizing to each home.  It has been successful in the sense that up until this last year or so after the first day we would have a good week.  We have had my SD in counselling for years on and off and we have also done step family counselling which has been a godsend. The teachers at school have always been able to notice the week she is in our home or with her Mother.  There was a lot of bullying, challenging behaviour with the other kids, lack of respect towards authority figures as well as her work would go down when she is with her Mother. I do not claim our home is this perfect place but we have always put our kids and needs first and foremost.  We will be going to court in April.  We are pessimistic on how the judge will be due to our past experiences. We have a lawyer as we refuse to go to court without someone representing us as she spouts off lies. My SO has a very clear idea on what he will accept and if the judge doesn't do what is in my SD's best interests he will only have her on a weekend a month when he is home.  I find that hard to imagine but I know it has come after many years of chaos that we have experienced with his exBPD.  I support him in whatever decision he makes and I know it hasn't come without a lot of reflection and a deep sadness.  I have always treated my SD equally with my own children and it feels weird to be stepping back and taking on the role of only child care provider.  (counsellor said this what was best for SD) It is a huge struggle for me to come to terms with but I also have some significant health issues (I have been off work the last 1 1/2 years and stress is not good for my condition and it has been thrown into my face over and over again how my SD is sick of hearing about my illness) My SO and I are also both of the belief that happiness is important and this situation takes on a life of itself and we have come to that point where some change needs to be made. 

My concern is if it does go our way my SD will be with me more and less with her BPDm which is good for her but know that it will cause issues itself.  Part of me hopes it goes the other way and she just has a visit with my SO as that would be so much easier emotionally for me but I feel bad to think that way because it is not a kind and thoughtful way to be.  I think I am just tired of doing so much and getting crapped on and doing little I get crapped on so I think why not do as little as possible.  That thought process makes me sad as my SO is so fantastic with his daughter and with my kids and I am struggling with his.  Self care is so important and I am realizing more and more the older I get that not only that life is short but fragile and each moment has to be as great as one can make it.  I am a glass half full or refillable kind of person and I am just at a breaking point.  I want to be there for my kids, my SO and my SD but it is super hard.

My SO ex has an older daughter with BPD traits and is unable to work and my SO and myself have a very strong and healthy relationship with her.  I look at her and knowing her Father had custody of her growing up (she is an adult now) and is completely messed up but is a work in progress and I think what are we thinking to let my SD be in her Mom's care full time? 

MY SD's behaviour ranges from being rude, ignoring me, short, mean in behaviour and words or just checks out.  She wants to avoid anything conflict wise.  But in the next breath can be sweet, kind and helpful. She says we meaning mostly I bring up stuff too much she just wants to be happy and avoiding anything uncomfortable is the way to go.  I do not ask questions cause that gets me in trouble but I will call out when I feel she is disrespecting me.  My son and I will do the dishes while she sits and watches unless she gets caught in a lie for example and then will help.  My son thinks it is not fair that she doesn't help but I just don't have the fight in me any more to argue with her that being part of the family is helping as well I don't want to hear from her Mom about how mean I am making her do chores.  ugggg... .

Thank you again, I am so grateful finding this site.  I read up on other's stories and as sad as it is I appreciate seeing I  am not alone... .