Nasty Face

[Torched]

I'm wondering if anyone's BPDex does what mine does.  It is one of several reasons my children experience embarrassment and stress these days.

Whenever I'm in public in the same area as my ex, such as today, she will make faces of absolute disgust.  She will tense up her entire body as if she has just gazed into the depths of hell and seen the face of the devil himself.  It is a huge production, and it makes her look as if she is acting as intense as possible to convey to everyone in the room how she feels.

Today it was in the big auditorium after my son's band concert.  Lights were on, and she had to walk past me in a main walkway just below an entire section of people who know us.  I said hi, she stopped, unwilling to walk past me as if I might bite her, and made her physical show.  Everyone got to witness the big show.  She does this in front of my kids.  I had my kids today, so my daughter was walking with me and saw it too.  Ex's boyfriend stopped before this to say hi to me and then kept walking out ahead of my ex.  I'm sure she lit into him for "ditching" her LOL.

Does anyone else have a BPDex waif who does this?  It is so bizarre.  I used to watch her do it to my family but didn't do anything about it.  Experiencing it now is a lot clearer now that I'm out of that mess.

[Nope]

I think it has something to do with the BPDex wanting to be seen as the one doing the rejecting instead of being rejected. Since their entire disorder is about fear of perceived rejection or abandonment this is very important to them.

The months leading up to court my DH's ex was saying things to him on the phone that made it clear she at least wanted him to want to get back together with her. Then during the custody evaluation she spent the large majority of her time with the evaluator talking about how awful DH's mom was to her and that if it wasn't for DH's mom they'd still be married. (uBPDex left him.) Right before the final court date it became clear to her that DH wasn't even remotely interested in getting back together with her. Her need to be the rejecting one was so strong that it culminated in the judge writing in the finding, "Mother's dislike of Father was palpable in the court room."

[Torched]

Thanks... .that make sense to me.  She has been at this since I separated from her almost two years ago.  It doesn’t bother me in the least now, but I do wonder what other normal people think when they see her do it.  You are right in that she must want people to see that she doesn’t “like” me.  It is so ridiculously animated that I can’t imagine other people don’t think she is nutty.  My kids say it hurts their feelings when she does that to me but I also wonder if it embarasses them.

It does bother my kids.  As a matter of fact, it bothered my S14 so badly this winter that it caused him to discuss it and other things with me.  It resulted in him having a series of visits with a child counselor who “gets” my ex after meeting her before and talking to me about her behaviors.  The counselor has a goal to have my son write a letter to his mother about her behaviors which cause him distress, principally this behavior.  I think it will be hard for him to do because his prior attempts had her putting it all back on my son and D11 (it hurts me when you say I hurt you).

[Nope]

My SD15 and SS13 don't try to correct their mother. But they do see things for what they are and it does make her look childish to them. When she is particularly angry at DH she'll call him by his first name instead of "your dad" when talking to the kid's about him. DH always refers to his ex as "your mom" when addressing the kids. She also pauses and changes her tone before saying my name when talking to them about me. It only shines a big bright light on who the problem parent is. One kid is in middle school and one is in highschool. They don't see their peers acting like that about people they don't like, let alone other adults.

I think it's good for your S14 to work on writing a letter, even if ultimately it doesn't work out the way he would hope. At least then his feelings are out there in the open. The children of a BPD parent need to begin working on how to navigate their relationship with that parent as early as safely possible. She's always going to be their mom, and she is unlikely to change, so they need to decide their own boundaries and what kind of relationship they will be comfortable having with her in the long term.

[livednlearned]

she will make faces of absolute disgust.  She will tense up her entire body as if she has just gazed into the depths of hell and seen the face of the devil himself.  It is a huge production, and it makes her look as if she is acting as intense as possible to convey to everyone in the room how she feels.

I was at a NEA-BPD Family Connections class and the instructor talked about a neurological theory suggesting BPD and autism may be linked in the brain. Researchers say that while they are different disorders, what they share in common is a deficit that makes it hard to properly interpret social cues.

When people meet my SO's D20 (uBPD -- waif-like), they wonder if she is on the spectrum. I sometimes wonder if she struggles with both ASD and BPD (Her brother is ASD and her mom is BPD).

Obviously there's a lot of variability when it comes to mental disorders   .

At the very least, your ex does not seem to be socially skilled. That's hard for kids, especially middle schoolers.

[Panda39]

Emotional immaturity, your 14 year old is more mature than his mother.

Could be she rejects you before you can reject her... .go back to middle school or even before and this childish behavior looks familiar.

I'm sorry you have to go through this stuff and your kids have to be embarrassed by it.

Panda39