Gave My Daughter a Ride and it Ruined My Wife's Whole Day

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

I am here looking for some solace, some assistance, just somewhere to go to maybe vent a little, get some help/advice.

My wife of going on 8 years has BPD, and there are times we have had huge arguements almost to the point of divorce or breakup.  They typically haven't lasted more than 5-8 hours and we move on.  I love her dearly with all my heart and I was quite aware of her disorder before I married her.  We do not have children together, but she does have 2 boys 20 and 22 (the 22 year old no longer lives at home) and I have a 17 yo girl.  As I am sure everyone knows I could write books about the ups and downs, the good and the ugly and everything in between.  Oh I should also mention I have severe ADHD (diagnosed at 7, I am now 47).

The reason I am here is I am at a loss sometimes.  She despises my daughter.  I know why and I understand but it is such a battle sometimes.  Like today, no it wasn't my week to have her (her mother and I live in the same town) but she needed a ride home to my house from school so she could get some things she left here and her mother would pick her up.  To me, this is no big deal.  But, to my wife it ruined her whole day... .it wasn't my week or my responsibility to pick her up so my wife means nothing to me and my daughter everything.  I understand the fear of abandonment that BPD has and everything, it's just very hard to deal with some days.

To put this into perspective for you... .I typically get up at 6:30am to start my day, coffee and shower then work (which is mostly from home because if I leave the house for more than an hour all hell breaks loose).  But today, I woke up at 4:30 to take her 20 year old son back to college, about an hour away.  I told him I wanted him to be ready to go at 5:30am.  He wasn't even out of bed yet at 5:30.  Oh and I took him back, while she slept.  I don't complain about it, don't complain about him not getting up on time, nothing.  But I don't care about anyone except myself and my daughter today.

As I sit here with my heart feeling tight and tears almost welling up in my eyes I sometimes just want to crawl in a hole and stay there.  It's one of those times where nothing I do is good enough or right, so I just try my best to get through it until it blows over... .and it will.

[Leindas]

Hi All,

I am here looking for some solace, some assistance, just somewhere to go to maybe vent a little, get some help/advice.

My wife of going on 8 years has BPD, and there are times we have had huge arguements almost to the point of divorce or breakup.  They typically haven't lasted more than 5-8 hours and we move on.  I love her dearly with all my heart and I was quite aware of her disorder before I married her.  We do not have children together, but she does have 2 boys 20 and 22 (the 22 year old no longer lives at home) and I have a 17 yo girl.  As I am sure everyone knows I could write books about the ups and downs, the good and the ugly and everything in between.  Oh I should also mention I have severe ADHD (diagnosed at 7, I am now 47).

The reason I am here is I am at a loss sometimes.  She despises my daughter.  I know why and I understand but it is such a battle sometimes.  Like today, no it wasn't my week to have her (her mother and I live in the same town) but she needed a ride home to my house from school so she could get some things she left here and her mother would pick her up.  To me, this is no big deal.  But, to my wife it ruined her whole day... .it wasn't my week or my responsibility to pick her up so my wife means nothing to me and my daughter everything.  I understand the fear of abandonment that BPD has and everything, it's just very hard to deal with some days.

To put this into perspective for you... .I typically get up at 6:30am to start my day, coffee and shower then work (which is mostly from home because if I leave the house for more than an hour all hell breaks loose).  But today, I woke up at 4:30 to take her 20 year old son back to college, about an hour away.  I told him I wanted him to be ready to go at 5:30am.  He wasn't even out of bed yet at 5:30.  Oh and I took him back, while she slept.  I don't complain about it, don't complain about him not getting up on time, nothing.  But I don't care about anyone except myself and my daughter today.

As I sit here with my heart feeling tight and tears almost welling up in my eyes I sometimes just want to crawl in a hole and stay there.  It's one of those times where nothing I do is good enough or right, so I just try my best to get through it until it blows over... .and it will.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Leindas, welcome to the family!    This is a place where you can safely vent your feelings as well as seek help.

Many of us here have been in the same place in terms of multiple divorce threats, so you're not alone on that. And I can completely relate to the situation of your wife having issues with your immediate family. I'm having lots of conflict with my FOO (family of origin) that I'm trying to resolve right now. It must be very painful to not be able to interact with your own child without fearing repercussions. Did something happen in the past to initially trigger this resentment from your wife towards your daughter or did it come out of nowhere?

You said you were aware of her disorder before you got married. Is she diagnosed? Or at least aware that there is a problem?

I suggest you read through the stories here to find common ground and to see how many others share the same kind of struggles as you try to get through this difficult time. Hang in there.

ROE

[Leindas]

To answer some of your questions.

Nothing happened to trigger this and has always been an issue.  My wife is no longer able to have children (not that we would at 47).  She feels that because she can't give me a child, and my daughter, she also feels, is the one person that could take me away from her and is also not her own, I could go on.

Yes she is diagnosed and quite aware there is a problem.  She tries very hard but some days are very difficult.

Right now the HUGE challenge I am having is work.  No matter what job I get or employment I get, if it takes me away from the house for more than an hour we wind up getting into a big argument because now she has to worry about everything and do everything around the house.  I am the only one working and I am in sales so I have to go where the money is.  I have lost or had to give up numerous jobs and it looks like this one is soon going to come to an end too.  Some days I am just lost.

[pearlsw]

Hi Leindas,

I can offer some sympathy! It makes me sad to think of you nearly in tears for you just trying to be a good dad and provide for the family. It is indeed very painful at times that our partners can be so difficult. My "h" can be rather clingy and dependent at times, and there is certainly a double standard. He can go out and be away as long as he likes or leave without saying anything... .it's the opposite for me.

Are there other people who can be with her at times so she does not feel so abandoned and alone? Does she have a pet to keep her company? Any other options?

Since she is aware of her issues... .is doing anything to actively work on them at this time?

take care, pearl. 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Leindas, thanks for filling in more details.

I can deeply relate to your job situation. My wife is at home with our two little kids right now and often deeply resents me working, which was has caused huge problems for my job.  She has at times disappeared in the morning leaving me at home with them so I couldn't go in. She recently destroyed 70% of my work wardrobe, and after I bought new clothes she took those, too. I now have backup clothes stashed at work and leave the house way before she wakes up if I think she's planning to run. She sometimes calls my office line to harass me.

Leindas as the sole income provider you must do everything to protect your job. You have to set a boundary that unless she gets work, too, and as long as she wants to live with you (I assume you're paying the rent / mortgage), she has to take responsibility for the house. I know this is not easy since it provokes an argument. But you must take care of yourself and your family. I was / am in exactly the same position and it was only from the support of the community that I was able to convince myself that I had to put my job first.

~ROE