I’m tired of being called stupid

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDh can get truly horrible verbally and emotionally. He has never gotten physically violent with me but he’s just so dang mean. He has all these rules that I have to follow and if I slip up and make a mistake, he rages out. I think that’s pretty common for BPD. And the rages and the name calling. All pretty textbook. So I try to distance myself and set boundaries and keep from JADEing etc.
But it really bothers me when he calls me stupid. Like REALLY bothers me. I know I’m not. At least I used to know it. I was on the honor roll my entire life through school. A straight A student. I’ve always been told that I’m very empathetic towards the people around me and I’m able to know what they need before they ask.
But not with him. And he’s the one who I NEED to feel those things about me. Today alone, I was called as dumb as a box of bricks, rocks are smarter than me, he’s never met anyone as dumb as me, and I must be the stupidest person he has ever met. This is a serious trigger for me. I have a horrible time breathing through the defense I want to make. Breathing through the angered response. I know he’s a smart dude, but in a lot of ways I’m smarter and vocabulary is one. I just want to decimate him with words until he’s rolling on the floor crying and calling uncle. But I don’t. I keep my mouth shut and I let him say it. Because after 17 years, I’ve learned that if he KNOWS something bothers me, he latches onto it and makes it so much worse. Sometimes he moves on to my next trigger if he’s not getting a response from me.
The other thing that really upsets me is when he tells me that I am sick and I need serious mental health... .really? Or he’ll say that he’s filing for divorce and leaving me unless I check myself into a hospital. He’s said that more times than I can count.
I think my problem is that as a teen, I was so proud of my brain. Whenever anything went wrong I knew I was bright and intelligent. And sometimes I felt like I had a touch of ESP. Lol. But now? Now I can’t think straight. I hate it and it makes me hate him. And that makes me sad.

[5xFive]

My uBPDh can get truly horrible verbally and emotionally. He has never gotten physically violent with me but he’s just so dang mean. He has all these rules that I have to follow and if I slip up and make a mistake, he rages out. I think that’s pretty common for BPD. And the rages and the name calling. All pretty textbook. So I try to distance myself and set boundaries and keep from JADEing etc.
But it really bothers me when he calls me stupid. Like REALLY bothers me. I know I’m not. At least I used to know it. I was on the honor roll my entire life through school. A straight A student. I’ve always been told that I’m very empathetic towards the people around me and I’m able to know what they need before they ask.
But not with him. And he’s the one who I NEED to feel those things about me. Today alone, I was called as dumb as a box of bricks, rocks are smarter than me, he’s never met anyone as dumb as me, and I must be the stupidest person he has ever met. This is a serious trigger for me. I have a horrible time breathing through the defense I want to make. Breathing through the angered response. I know he’s a smart dude, but in a lot of ways I’m smarter and vocabulary is one. I just want to decimate him with words until he’s rolling on the floor crying and calling uncle. But I don’t. I keep my mouth shut and I let him say it. Because after 17 years, I’ve learned that if he KNOWS something bothers me, he latches onto it and makes it so much worse. Sometimes he moves on to my next trigger if he’s not getting a response from me.
The other thing that really upsets me is when he tells me that I am sick and I need serious mental health... .really? Or he’ll say that he’s filing for divorce and leaving me unless I check myself into a hospital. He’s said that more times than I can count.
I think my problem is that as a teen, I was so proud of my brain. Whenever anything went wrong I knew I was bright and intelligent. And sometimes I felt like I had a touch of ESP. Lol. But now? Now I can’t think straight. I hate it and it makes me hate him. And that makes me sad.

[Mutt]

Hi 5xFive,

I know he’s a smart dude, but in a lot of ways I’m smarter and vocabulary is one.

A pwBPD will push buttons and sometimes they’ll push all of them at the same time. I can understand how his words can cut through you I think that it’s sad that someone has to put someone else down because of their insecurities and how they do t feel as adequate as you. He knows subconsciously that you’re smarter than him that’s the reason why that he puts you down. I know that it’s hard on the self esteem I think that it helps to understand why someone acts the way that they do so that you learn to depersonalize the behaviours.

Yuh could tell him that you’re not going to get insulted like that and if he keeps going on then you’re going to remove yourself from that situation, leave for an errand, go to the chum, visit and family member and friends but I agree with you you don’t have to take that behaviour change the setting by telling him why you’re changing it and find something to do so that things reset around the house.

[Speck]

Dear 5xFive,

Thank you for sharing with us:

My uBPDh can get truly horrible verbally and emotionally. I hate it and it makes me hate him. And that makes me sad.

I am so sorry you are being subjected to this behavior. It must really hurt to hear such things come out of a mouth you once loved. Mutt makes a really good point by encouraging you to start setting some clear boundaries whenever this type of behavior ensues. I know setting boundaries may feel like a scary thing to even consider because your husband will not expect for you to take up for yourself. But, the sooner you do, the sooner he will begin to learn what is acceptable discourse and what is not as it relates to your values.

I know that you are frustrated and sad right now. We can help you with setting boundaries. Feel free to let us know how we can best support you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning.


-Speck

[Red5]

Hello 5xFive,

I am very sorry that you are having to endure the treatment once again, I certainly know how it feels when this happens, and as the others have written... .my heart also goes out to you, but try to stay strong and just let it roll off ok... .

My u/BPD wife gets on it too sometimes, .I even STILL get compared to her ex-husband, and as well a couple of ex BF’s she had before she met, dated, and married me, as in they were so much better a man than me ! Really !

Appearently I am lazy, crazy, and also am a danger to myself and others... .

I am also an a$$ hole on the magnitude of 100 times 10 !... .whatever that is supposed to mean.

I am incompetent... .I am untrustworthy and I also lie ALL the time ?

There is a lot more, oh yea, I have ruined her life as well   

If she is correct, I should probably be locked away someplace for the good of the human race... .

You are not alone 5xFive, I try to ignore as much as I can, but I do get pushed just a little too far sometimes which is not a good thing when the last functioning adult goes “off-line”... .

Hang in there 5xFive, we are listening and again you are not alone!

Red5

[ortac77]

Hi 5xFive

You are not alone. I know its hard but keep strong, people with BPD know which buttons to push to hurt you but you know the truth. You know that you are not stupid, he knows that it is a trigger for you.

Take a big step back, every nasty comment and put down is not about you, its about him... it takes a long time to really accept that and help from friends, therapy and these boards will help you.

I know its hard to ignore and sometimes we all slip but I am beginning to see that those of us who have lived with a pwBPD are incredibly strong, certainly not stupid but instead caring and compassionate people however that care and compassion cannot be appreciated by our partners because of the illness and is I am finding probably misplaced.

I have now set some clear boundaries for me and I am taking a tough line - my partner hates it and is trying to trigger me to change back but I am determined this will not happen. Tough love I guess and tough enough to say if the rs ends so be it.

I like this phrase from a Madonna song - it sums it up for me

"you think that you are strong, but you are weak you see
it takes more strength to cry, admit defeat
I have truth on my side, you only have deceit
you'll see somehow, some day"

In peace