please help, I feel I am losing it

[seekinghelp612]

Please help me!

I have been dating someone for almost nine months. When we are good we are great! And when things are bad they are devastating! She is undiagnosed and even if I suggest couples counseling she loses it. 

I love her with everything Ive got. From the start, she has broken up with me weekly and sometimes daily.  Most of the time she changes her mind, but this time she went above and beyond, broke many of my things, doesn't apologize and this seems different than the others.  From the first month, she has accused me of cheating, hiding and lying.  She has demanded my phone and I have given it to her. I have nothing to hid - yet she continues to come at me nearly every week about lying and cheating.  Any mistake I do make or use the wrong wording she holds it against me, even from day one still.  I thought giving her access to my phone and house would show her that I am not hiding anything... .but it seems to have made things worse.   She even went through an old box in the house (my junk boxes of stuff I need to go through) and found an old journal and 2 pictures of me and my ex.   I didn't even know I had those anymore. And she said I obviously wanted to be with him since I was keeping those things. I don't!

I get told I am never there for her. That she deserves better than me. Calls me names such as ___, hoe and whore.    I have admitted that I am not the best at communicating, and as much as I try to tell her everything, its either not fast enough or something else that I still have done wrong.  I am trying my best to show her everything and tell her everything. It has consumed my life.  I am having trouble focusing at work, she accuses me of sleeping with co-workers.  I try to be strong and I am understanding of what the real issue is, as she tells me she is afraid I am going to leave her.  I remind her I wont.

I was forced to come out on her time frame on social media. I post on social media about us to please her to only be told she doesn't like to have a community relationship.  I have lost nearly every friend due to the roller coaster and I have been somewhat forced to isolate (meaning anytime I plan anything with a friend she gets mad so I cancel)  for those friends that see the craziness and try and encourage me to leave... .that have stuck by my side, I have isolated away from them to keep her happy.

I have gotten to the point that I am believing I am worthless and not deserving of love. I have been through My own traumas and she knows about them and hits me below the belt anytime she becomes upset with me- or breaks up with me.   She tells me that I don't want her, or that I tell her to leave, basically blames me for anything she says (and denies that she was the one saying those things) and truly justifies everything she says that is hurtful, as ok.

I am just beyond lost, because while I am strong, she has broken me down so many times that I have concerned that maybe I am worthless. I considered suicide the other day and through everything I have ever been through - I have never felt this low! 

I need help!  I have read book after book and website after website seeking how to do better.   I love her and don't want to lose her and I know I have codependency issues that don't help.  I want to help her. But I am losing myself ... .as a friend said, "She has changed you- and you are allowing her to."''

I came her seeking help how to do better in this relationship. How to better help her.  And as I type this, maybe I am selfish,  I am realizing I am at a point Im trying to save my own sanity at the moment.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi seekinghelp612,

Oh dear! I am so sorry for what you have been experiencing and how low this has made you feel. These types of relationships can be beyond challenging! Do you two live together?

I want to suggest that it is not at all selfish to look out for yourself - in fact you must! What do you do when you feel suicidal? Is this fleeting? Do you still have some friends you can spend more time with and help build yourself back up?

warmly, pearl.

[Speck]

Hello, seekinghelp612!

I just saw this post and thought I'd stop by your thread to welcome you to the forum and ask is there anything more you need to say about these feelings that you have.

Are you feeling better today?

I'm so sorry you have been having a hard time. 

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to stop by anytime to let us know how things are going for you.


-Speck

[JNChell]

Hi sh612. I’m sorry to find you here under these circumstances, but glad you found us. Please do let us know how you’re feeling when you get back to us. I want you to know that you’re not alone. These relationships are capable of pushing some of us to the edge, and to act in ways that we generally wouldn’t. It can be very confusing, and at times, frightening. I would like to echo the advice on leaning on your friends for support. Along with that, do you have trusted family members that you can go to for support? And please, keep coming here. I encourage you to read other’s experiences and post, post, post. The interaction here is very supportive. We all help each other. There is a lot of hope on this forum along with the heartache. We’re here for you. You’re not alone in this.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi dear,

I can Identify with 95% of what you wrote. To the point of the pictures of my ex that I had forgotten about. I judge myself exactly as you do, but I can see that if it happened to anyone else, I would only feel compassion towards that person. You are worthy of compassion, and love, and joy, and respect, and fair treatment. Of course you are!

You could do better, as you say, maybe, but you can't carry all the responsibility on your shoulders. You have to allow yourself to make mistakes, and you have to adknowledge that you can't "fix her", you can influence, but you can't change the situation by yourself. There is only so much you can do and influence. It is not a success only journey, and at least 50% in any relationship is not in our hands. You need to be very patient, and focus on yourself, only on yourself when it's necessary. Because you need to charge your batteries in order to function. Simple as that.

What you can't do it take the blame and the guilt for things that are not in your hands. The job of telling you negative things is taken, so you don't do that job yourself, she doesn't need help with that. She needs a lot of help in the job of supporting you. So DO help her with that.

How do you do that? You need to be your best friend, and cheerleader. When you find yourself telling these things to yourself, ask yorself if a good friend would tell you those things. Why would you be less than a good friend to yourself?

Many many times, the best thing you can do for the relationship is to take care of yourself. Instead of asking what can I do to help her, to change things, to improve things... .Ask yourself what can I do today, now, to feel a bit better, a bit happier. And you need to do that. Even small things help. It's like stepping out of the merry go round, and realizing it's not you who walks in circles. Then when you go in, you are more in control.

Getting things out of my chest, for me, helps a lot. We are here to listen and not judge. We care, and we understand because we are or we've been in your place. When you support others here, you find out tips for yoursef that you had not thought about, because you needed some distance. Anything I advise you, I should be applying to myself, but I'm often blind or paralized to do so. And saying things to you helps me figure out the things I should be telling myself. So, sharing helps in a number of ways.

I also changed things in my life, and bended over backwards to have my GF trust me. Always thinking "when I do the next thing, she's gonna understand she can trust me" and she never did. My life changed a lot, and I'm pretty isolated too. With time and consistency, she admits it is paranoia, it is not me. But the acusations and intrusive thoughts are still there, and still hurt. I stopped making frantic efforts to get her to trust me. I stopped arguing back and proving her wrong, and gathering evidence... .(I'm still tempted to do so everytime. I want to ask the dentist to take a selfy with me so she knows I'm really at the dentist). And life is better this way. I had to stop doing one thing that didn't work.

Here are some hugs for you        You deserve a lot of those.

Please, tells us how you are doing. We care. And we understand you are in a very painful and frustrating moment. You are not alone.

[Insom]

Hi, seekinghelp612!

Just thought I'd check in.  How are you feeling today?  We are here to listen! 

Hugs.