Making sense of it all

[Pedro]

Hi all.

A few months ago I considered working in another country after my ex gf BPD ended our relationship.  At the time I thought it may have been a knee jerk reaction to the relationship ending?  It isn't. It is something I want to do for myself so I am currently looking into the feasibility of obtaining an employment visa for either Canada or the USA.

I mentioned this briefly to my ex who immediately said I can help you with accommodation, IRS, legal things & a recruitment broker for employment purposes if you move to the US?.  I politely acknowledged and thanked her for her gesture but assertively reminded her that their will be no contact once she returns home.

A few days ago I was working at home and she comes into the lounge saying if you like the US & decide you want to live there permanently and apply for permanent residence or citizenship, I would be more than happy to be a sponsor financially, or act as a referee for you should you wish to do this or encounter any difficulties with the US immigration dept. with your application?

Again I thanked her for her kind & generous offer but reminded her that there will be no contact with her.  I said that I will succeed or fail on my own merits if this something I was going to consider?

[heartandwhole]

A few months ago I considered working in another country after my ex gf BPD ended our relationship.  At the time I thought it may have been a knee jerk reaction to the relationship ending?  It isn't. It is something I want to do for myself so I am currently looking into the feasibility of obtaining an employment visa for either Canada or the USA.

Hi Pedro,

That is exciting. I'm glad you have looked at your motivations and know that this isn't a knee jerk reaction to your ex ending the relationship and going back to the States. It sounds like an adventure that will accelerate moving forward and on to a new life. 

I'm wondering: If your ex were just moving to another part of the UK to be with a new guy, would you still consider this move to Canada or the U.S.? I ask because I found that being geographically close to my ex had a bigger impact on me than I thought. 

heartandwhole 

[Pedro]

Hi haw.

Yes I would because it is about a new start in my life alone, a new chapter. I am being selfish putting me first, it is something that doesn't fit or sit well comfortably with me. I've always been about putting others first, people pleasing when younger, my depression when younger stopping me wanting to do this such as living or working abroad, realising life is precious and trying to make the most of it. I want a better life for me now where possible.

[Skip]

What is the timeline on her move?

[Pedro]

She relocates home in mid-late October.  Our home will go the market to sell next month also. I will be living temporarily with my Mum and Brother once sale completes. I am uncomfortable about how their ongoing health problems are going to affect me again potentially?

On a personal note of myself for the first time since the break up I can make some sense of BPD & how severely it has affected me.  Her illness combined with my Mum's & Bother's mental health respectively, trying to support them all, how it took it's toll collectively has scared me.  Sometimes when we are in the middle of these scenarios we cannot always step back, step out FOG, just to recognise & reflect on just how serious somebody else's mental health can suck the physical and good mental health out of the nons.  I can see some light of the end of the tunnel and I never thought I would ever find this point.

Thanks to all BPD staff and members for your invaluable support and help.

[Skip]

Sometimes when we are in the middle of these scenarios we cannot always step back, step out FOG, just to recognise & reflect on just how serious somebody else's mental health can suck the physical and good mental health out... .

It is complicated for sure. How is the day-today? Do you feel you have grieved?

[Pedro]

I no longer feel like I am grieving, the anger I had has subsided where I can now comprehend better how severe an illness it is.  I acknowledge and accept completely she is happy and moved on in her own way with her partner. I am no longer jealous or envious. There is no malice or hate to either of them nor has there ever been.  Unless he is a medical professional in the field of mental health, he does not know what's coming to him.

Just 1% of me wants her to go on and regret the fantastic opportunity she had to confront her demons with someone who was going to give her a lifetime of support along with medical intervention if she was willing to consider it?

I know I am doing well because talking, writing, and thinking about her in the past tense no longer upsets or hurts me like it once did.

[Pedro]

7.45 ish UK time.

Doing the last support medical appointment going with ex gfBPD to her MRI follow up appointment with her physician.
Won't be doing this after today again. She keeps thanking me overly for going with her.

[Pedro]

Gotta do the medical appointment all over again, as the results haven't come through yet.
Whilst we're driving there and back, she's suggesting days out here there and everywhere before she goes home. I've knocked her back on some of these as I'm focussing on house preparation and presentation for pre-sale photographs. Something she has no interest at all now. A bit of help from her would be nice but she isn't interested. Just waiting for the sale ASAP for her percentage of sale and investment.
Happy days Pedro, nearly there.

[heartandwhole]

Something she has no interest at all now. A bit of help from her would be nice but she isn't interested.

That's disappointing, Pedro. I'm sorry that you have to prepare without her help and support.

I hope that the activities that you will do with her will create good memories for you. Moving forward knowing that you can hold your head high. You've grown and become a better man—that's how I see it.

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hi HAW,

It is what it is.

[Pedro]

Well she has invited me out for breakfast next Saturday morning, then she has invited me to go to a vintage shop. Also she is going to buy some paint for clay model impressions of teeth, then we get home she would like us both to paint them together?

I know she has firmly established herself in terms of moved on, in her next relationship, she still thinks we are friends. She is still calling me by her pet name for me as when we were a couple. She still wants to see me have done and treat me to my first tattoo but I wont let her.

The one thing that bothers me when she relocates that she may contact me, I dread that time if it was to occur.

[Pedro]

To answer the question I asked on my last post & reading other posts over the last 5 months, I think it's better for my own sanity and peace of mind to block her. There could never be any normal rational communication from an ex with BPD to have contact post break up. I say that with the most sincerity and respect to all persons who have PD & BPD.

[Skip]

You have a lot of resentment building up. It's understandable given the circumstances. There is nothing she can do right now that would feel right.

[Pedro]

We had a polite cordial and enjoyable day out last Saturday. I avoided the breakfast invite as it is too painful to go our favourite diner/eatery. We did go to a reclaim warehouse looking at antique furniture and home décor, a passion we always shared.

Sunday I worked from dawn till dusk working on the exterior of the house, gardening, cleaning doors and windows in preparation for pre sale photographs for the realtor. She says 'you should rest up at the weekend'. We both work Mon-Fri, so weekend is ideally rest and leisure time. I said 'this work needs to be done, it won't get done on it's own unfortunately'.  I said it in a polite yet assertive manner.

It seemed to spur some positive response as she promised to work on the house this coming weekend.  She hasn't done any work on the house this year to which would help to achieve a higher sale price. I've accepted that she just wants to receive her percentage of the sale whatever the selling price.  I'm not bitter or resentful about this.

On Sunday evening just gone I politely yet assertively reminded her that once the sale of the house goes through there will be no communication between us. Again she gives this surprised or flabbergasted response, 'you mean we won't be friends, I cant contact you for healthcare related advice for myself, or share our old jokes'?

I respond 'no you have your new life home in USA with your boyfriend and your nuclear or immediate family now.  It's inappropriate to be contacting your ex partner whilst in another relationship'.  She tells me 'you are the only ex I've wanted to keep in contact with, I didn't keep in touch with my ex husband or any of my ex boyfriends'.  I acknowledge what she says but ell her 'I am not doing this, you lost that right and privilege when you ended our relationship'. I reminded her that it's not fair on her current partner to be speaking to an ex partner whether he is comfortable or knows about it or not.

[Pedro]

Hi y'all.

Well she finally went back to TX USA on Tuesday morning. She has immediately moved in with her boyfriend who I found out used to be her ex boyfriend many years ago.  What a surprise a person with BPD going back to an ex partner?

She told me last weekend that she wasn't moving home to be near her & I quote her previously 'my folks are getting old & I need to be with them'.  She told me at the weekend it's too much hassle to be near to her parents, brother, & nieces dealing with the daily stresses of her controlling dad, her brother with mental health problems & reliant on his parents to help child mind 3 children as a single parent.

She told me at the weekend that she loves me and she's going to miss me more than I will ever know?  Plllleeease really?

I told her once our home is sold I do not want any contact with her. She says she doesn't understand this.
She was diagnosed in the UK with a  benign cyst on the base of her brain which is not expected to become untoward. On the way back from the physicians where I booked the day off to go with her, she said why cant she speak to me in future if her cysts becomes serious? She's genuinely crying when she said this, which in turn made me cry? I reply that you are with your partner, your family, colleagues and friends, you don't need me now. But why not you I need you  to speak to. I said no its your partner's role to support you as reasonable as possible.

She says when I next visit England can I visit you and stay with you? I say no that's not appropriate & your partner wouldn't like it & I don't either.

Take care everybody on here.

Pedro XXX

[Skip]

Well she finally went back to TX USA on Tuesday morning. She has immediately moved in with her boyfriend who I found out used to be her ex boyfriend many years ago.  What a surprise a person with BPD going back to an ex partner?

She told me last weekend that she wasn't moving home to be near her & I quote her previously 'my folks are getting old & I need to be with them'.  She told me at the weekend it's too much hassle to be near to her parents, brother, & nieces dealing with the daily stresses of her controlling dad, her brother with mental health problems & reliant on his parents to help child mind 3 children as a single parent.

She told me at the weekend that she loves me and she's going to miss me more than I will ever know?  

Wow. Character doesn't stoop much lower than that. Shocking.

It's really hard to see any redeeming actions on her part in this last year. She is without conscience.

You were a standup guy through it all. Take pride in your own character. Now it time for the next chapter.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pedro,

I’m sorry to hear this. I agree with Skip: that’s a low blow.   To be perfectly honest, I am not very surprised. My experience with pwBPD had similar turnabouts that floored me... .then.

Thankfully, you have grown stronger, and can get through this loss and thrive again. We are here to walk with you on the next path that you take.

How is the market looking with regard to the sale of the house? Do you think change is coming soon?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hello HAW.

Thanks to Skip and yourself through all of this support this year. Yes it's gutting but I guess most people on here bar me probably knew this would happen.  Not that I was blinded by love I'm not, but some days I still pinch myself to feel is this really happening. I'm not in denial I've gone through the stages of bad news and grief. I accept it. She cannot cope with the day too day stresses of her immediately family, which smacks of hypocrisy considering it was all about her parents, not her ex who is now her current.

Hopefully house goes on the market end of November?  I'm still struggling to cope with my Mum & Brother on a daily basis with their respective mental health problems, so I know now it wasn't just my ex partner with BPD and NPD.

Thanks again Heartandwhole you've all been amazing here.

XX

[heartandwhole]

Keep us updated, Pedro. We care and we want to know how the next chapter unfolds for you. 

[Skip]

So how is it going. What all has transpired? House sold?

[Pedro]

Hello Skip.
Sorry I have been quiet on here and not been supporting as much as other members have done.  The re mortgage release of equity goes through tomorrow Wednesday. I am temporarily staying at the house.
Even a year down the line I am still trying to make sense of it all. Slowly I am getting there.
I don't know if I had nervous breakdown down last year or experienced some form of post traumatic stress disorder I do not know? Without exaggerating her illness took me to dark mental stresses nobody as an innocent supporting loving partner should have to go and experience.
I have had to step back somewhat from supporting my own family. For my own sanity I am selfishly and feeling guilty though I shouldn't about putting me first. 
I got my first tattoo done last Saturday. I bought a camera a few months ago and am doing some photography as a spare time hobby.  I am leading a much more simpler life now as I don't want to go back to the previous lifestyle or way I was living life. I cannot go back to that care giving role that I gave her, my mum and my brother respectively. I am still working on me to stop being this care giver role, it doesn't serve any purpose.
Her brother is in court this month where he will plead guilty to multiple charges or burglary or theft? He will serve 3.5-5 years in a federal prison dependant on completing a drug rehabilitation programme. This is what she tells me. I have had to a keep a minimum line of communication open for legal and financial reasons to deal with the house.
Her 3 nieces of her incarcerated brother live with their grandparents permanently now.  I don't know where she lives or with her.  She emails 1-2 per fortnight. When I point out her she is no better than me speaking to her ex behind his back like I did respectively leading to our break up. It's lost on her she doesn't see or get it that it's wrong what she does?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pedro,

It's nice to hear from you. I'm glad to hear that you have taken some time for self-care and fun. That is so important.

And soon you are moving? Have you found a place of your own, yet?

I've always found that a new environment helps me let go of the past.

It's lost on her she doesn't see or get it that it's wrong what she does?

She may not see what she is doing as wrong. She may just be coping emotionally as best she can. I'd focus on you and your values/boundaries. I'm always learning more about what's important to me and then my priorities change, too.

heartandwhole