My older sister has BPD (undiagnosed but I'm pretty sure)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, glad to find kindred spirits going through the same. My older sister (two years older than me) I suspect as BPD. I'm actually sure of it. When I tell my good friends, they tell me I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I feel like that is the only thing that has helped me come to grips with it and thus, let go of her. As far as I remember, I don't remember one single instance when she has been the kind of sister or even a kind of human being you'd expect from a decent person. Even my friends and relatives treat me better than she does. She gets triggered by anything, totally unpredictable, and then she will email me saying how much she is suffering with her health issues. I respond with empathy. But there is no room for me to tell her what I'm going through. Even after our mom died (and I was the primary caretaker of our mom), she wanted me to be there for her. And I did. But for the past few years, I haven't been in contact with her and decided to stay far away from her as possible. She has done so much damage to me and our family, and not one apology. It's like she feels entitled. Both of my parents have passed away now and this has made it easier because I don't need to see her ever again if I choose to.

And then there's my younger sister who is an emotional vampire. Mental illness seems to run in my family. I'm the co-dependent, very much recovering. I wish things were different, but I'm realizing that only way is to distance myself. No amount of compassion, caring, love, listening, empathy, helping does any good with both of my sisters (one is BPD and one is an emotional vampire). But I'm not blaming them. I take full responsibility for enabling them.

Just a note that once you start standing up for yourself, they will give you more hell and eventually cut you off or come back wanting your love and then stab you once you do open up. So now I'm cautious and I don't fall for that anymore.

[Firefly123]

Hi, glad to find kindred spirits going through the same. My older sister (two years older than me) I suspect as BPD. I'm actually sure of it. When I tell my good friends, they tell me I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I feel like that is the only thing that has helped me come to grips with it and thus, let go of her. As far as I remember, I don't remember one single instance when she has been the kind of sister or even a kind of human being you'd expect from a decent person. Even my friends and relatives treat me better than she does. She gets triggered by anything, totally unpredictable, and then she will email me saying how much she is suffering with her health issues. I respond with empathy. But there is no room for me to tell her what I'm going through. Even after our mom died (and I was the primary caretaker of our mom), she wanted me to be there for her. And I did. But for the past few years, I haven't been in contact with her and decided to stay far away from her as possible. She has done so much damage to me and our family, and not one apology. It's like she feels entitled. Both of my parents have passed away now and this has made it easier because I don't need to see her ever again if I choose to.

And then there's my younger sister who is an emotional vampire. Mental illness seems to run in my family. I'm the co-dependent, very much recovering. I wish things were different, but I'm realizing that only way is to distance myself. No amount of compassion, caring, love, listening, empathy, helping does any good with both of my sisters (one is BPD and one is an emotional vampire). But I'm not blaming them. I take full responsibility for enabling them.

Just a note that once you start standing up for yourself, they will give you more hell and eventually cut you off or come back wanting your love and then stab you once you do open up. So now I'm cautious and I don't fall for that anymore.

[Harri]

Hi there and welcome.  So sorry to hear about your parents and to know that both of your sisters are disordered. 

It is sad to know that we can really never have a healthy reciprocal relationship with some of our family members.  No contact is one way of dealing with that and it sounds like it is working well for you.

You mentioned that you are a recovering co-dependent.  Have you been in therapy or were you able to work through issues on your own?

Hope to hear more from you soon.

[LeneLu]

Firefly123,

My therapist suggested to me that I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", before even saying the words "BPD" to me.  Reading the book was so eye opening and affirming.  The indescribable experiences I had had were finally articulated and explained.  When I told my husband (who majored in psychology) that I thought my sis was BPD, he thought (to himself) that I was "reaching".  However, once she blamed me for something he said, he told me that maybe I was indeed onto something. 

If I were to tell people who also know my sis that she is BPD, they would say the same thing that you have heard.  She is high functioning, so it would be very hard to convince them.  But, once you make this connection and reflect on your own experiences, it is almost impossible to turn back.  So, if you really need confirmation, talk to a therapist.  But, also trust your instincts on this one.  You know how you have been treated and often it is almost impossible to explain the nuances and impact of BPD's behavior to someone who hasn't experienced it.

Leenlou