Struggling with long term decision on ex-girlfriend

[southside420]

Hi all,

Over the last few days, I dove head first into education myself about BPD and the traits of it, and am trying to become informed to make a final decision on my ex-girlfriend.

I met her in August 2016 and we clicked immediately. She asked me to be her boyfriend midway through the second date and we settled into a relationship fairly quickly. Three months in was the first sign I noticed something was off. She had gone home to her parents and ended up coming back early because she was so down she could barely speak. She asked me to come over and she held onto me and cried. I took her out to eat to make her feel better, and she thanked me for helping her.

In January 2017, I lost my grandfather, who was like a father to me and my best friend, and I was devastated. She had a lot of trouble providing me emotional support, and tried to leave me one night when I saw her while he was dying in hospice because I was not talking to her enough and she felt I just wasn't interested in her anymore.

She met my family in March 2017 and they loved her, but by April, she began disliking my friends and told me I needed to stop seeing them, and by June, she had caused a rift in my social circle when she demonized and lashed out at a friend of mine, causing my other friends to take sides and our social circle to be forever impacted. The cause of her outburst was never really known, but she'd tell me "I just don't trust her and I don't want you to be around her." She never gave me a real reason why.

By the summer of 2017, she began accusing me of cheating on her despite having no proof whatsoever. I agreed to go to therapy with her to discuss our trust issues. She ended up storming out of the session, claiming the therapist did was biased against her and treated her unfairly. In her first solo session with the therapist, she said she liked her, so this mood swing was fairly violent.

In August, she lashed out at me over a fantasty football draft party I had previously told her about and claimed I was "planning parties" without her and didn't want her around. Our fight was so public a third party called the cops on us and I was accused of assault. She never pressed charges but used the threat of that to keep me around. This arrest happened in front of my close friends and my mother, which turned all of them against her. We continued seeing each other for 2 months after. Not much changed, but we were completely isolated. Whenever I'd try to leave her, she'd threaten suicide. One night, she sent me a picture of her bloody wrist and I called the cops, which made her furious because she was bluffing. By November, she gave me an ultimatum that if I didn't bring her around my family and force them to accept her back, we had to break up. My friends/family said they'd accept her but she needed to take it slow and let them rebuild trust. I told her if I had to follow the ultimatum, then we had to break up.

That night, she said if I left her, she'd kill herself. I left anyway. She began telling me she was taking anxiety pills and drinking with them, and she'd die, and if I wanted her to stop, I had to come see her. I told her to please stop but she kept telling me how many pills she was taking. The next morning, I found out she was taken to the hospital. Her mother blamed me for not calling the cops on her, but I had done so in the past and she was bluffing. Her friends blamed me as well.

After the attempt, I told her she needed to get help and I needed time apart. She initially agreed to speak twice a month but not about our problems, and we could meet again early 2018. I agreed. But she never stuck to it. She would contact me daily, begging to talk and see me, telling me she loved me and if I loved her I would be with her now. I said I needed time. She then said her therapist told her I was a sociopath who just wanted to hurt her. By late November, she began telling me she was moving away and I needed to stop her. I declined. She then said if I wouldn't talk to her, she'd ruin me. She ended up contacting my office, posting on social media and telling all my ex girlfriends I abused her; contacted my mother to tell her I was homocidal; and threatened to go back to the police. She did this one time a day so I would be terrorized for multiple weeks.

In December, she said she had been diagnosed with BPD and would be starting special treatment. I had not responded to her since November. She then went through periods of telling me she loved me and we were meant to be together to saying she hated me and I was a vile human. In February, she told me she wanted to meet up and talk, that she knew she did horrible things to be and didn't like living with such a burden thinking I hated her. She also said she was seeing someone else. I finally responded and told her I was glad she had moved on, to which she responded she hadn't, but I had been silent for 3 months so she thought she had to try to see others and that she still loves me and knows we are soulmates. She said she didn't like being around the new person, didn't get excited to do things with him and never planned anything with him herself, but she had few friends in town and wasn't kept busy like I was with my friends. She asked to come over to my apartment to see me, but I declined.

A week later, she told me she loved me every much and that her mother got a new puppy and I'd love it so much, and she knows we are meant to be together and wanted to talk to me now. I told her no. She then demanded to know if I saw a future, and she'd wait a month or so but not longer than that. I told her I had not gotten over what she did to me and I didn't think I could see her anytime soon. She then said I was vile, deserved to die alone, my friends/family were toxic, she hoped she'd never see my disgusting face again and hoped to never hear from me again, and that she knew I knew she was way better than me and could do way better, and the new person was way better than me, and she hopes I hurt every day for throwing away something good with her.

24 hours later, she told me she was sorry for what she said, that she was extremely hurt and upset, but would not contact me again, and that she hoped to hear from me again someday.

I have been struggling for a week now. Part of me wants to reach back to her and tell her I do want to talk, but I am afraid of re-opening everything and setting her off again. She hasn't contacted me in 6 days, but I never know if she will keep quiet. I still care for her and love her and hope she gets the help she needs, but I don't think she's taking it seriously and no one understands the gravity of her illness. Should I just avoid her and try to forget? I am in therapy and my therapist says her illness takes years of therapy to manage and I should not talk or see her.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey southside, What would you like to see happen?  It's hard for me to tell from your post.  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  We get it; BPD relationships can be extremely challenging.  What are your gut feelings?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[southside420]

Hey southside, What would you like to see happen?  It's hard for me to tell from your post.  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  We get it; BPD relationships can be extremely challenging.  What are your gut feelings?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

Ideally, I could give her another chance with the stipulation that she is dedicated to continuing therapy. I would support her but she had to stick with it. But my fear is that if she doesn't hold up her end of the bargain and I try to leave her again, she will attempt to ruin my life. She says she doesn't want to hurt me, but then she does if I go against her wishes. I just think I am playing with fire if I take her back. I don't even know if she's still in therapy since she told me she was feeling better and was happy on her own again.

I haven't come across anyone who thinks it's a good idea to sit down and engage with her due to her erratic emotions and extreme behavior. Just curious if anyone feels differently or if I should just keep with the silence and try to heal and move on. In this case, she says she still loves me and hasn't pulled away. It has been me that has been silent for months trying to get some space and clarity in this situation

[Jeffree]

southside,

I could give her another chance with the stipulation that she is dedicated to continuing therapy.

I wish you could search that sentence here and see the success rate of those who have tried this. My best guess is that it's not very high, and the times it hasn't succeeded has been very damaging to the person giving it one last go.

You seem to have a fairly clear vision of how you have been treated, your exes chances of being the one for you, and you're in therapy. Why not continue with your recovery and see how your mindset strengthens one way or the other as to what you want to do? There's no rush to do anything right now, right?

I think you are going to have to be on a lot firmer ground emotionally to endure another try with your ex, so maybe work on getting there first before posing a reunion with her, if you even decide to go that route. I agree that you'd be playing with fire, but that's why it's important to work on fortifying your defenses against the likely heat that is to be radiating from this situation should you reunite.

J

[southside420]

southside,

I could give her another chance with the stipulation that she is dedicated to continuing therapy.

I wish you could search that sentence here and see the success rate of those who have tried this. My best guess is that it's not very high, and the times it hasn't succeeded has been very damaging to the person giving it one last go.

You seem to have a fairly clear vision of how you have been treated, your exes chances of being the one for you, and you're in therapy. Why not continue with your recovery and see how your mindset strengthens one way or the other as to what you want to do? There's no rush to do anything right now, right?

I think you are going to have to be on a lot firmer ground emotionally to endure another try with your ex, so maybe work on getting there first before posing a reunion with her, if you even decide to go that route. I agree that you'd be playing with fire, but that's why it's important to work on fortifying your defenses against the likely heat that is to be radiating from this situation should you reunite.

J

The problem is she's put this "timeline" on things. She says 3 months apart has been enough, and if I am not willing to give it another shot with her in the next month or so, she will continue to see this new person. I resent her for pressuring me, but I also know I can't expect her to wait forever for me to come around. I could tell her today that I do want to meet and discuss a future together, but if I decide in a few weeks that that's a bad idea, I open myself up to more verbal abuse as she will be even angrier that I asked her to wait and then pulled back.

I guess at the end of the day, if she does decided to enter a relationship with this new person, it wasn't meant to be. I'm surprised she hasn't already considering how quickly she jumped into one with me after only 2 dates. From what she's told me, she's been talking to this new person for at least a month.

[Jeffree]

You know, the sad part is that it would be no surprise to me if she doesn't even remember putting that deadline on things, is already with this person like you suspect, or forgets about it entirely. Meanwhile, here you are making yourself anxious about this soft deadline.

Granted, this is from my own experience, but I can't tell you how many deadlines and "important" things had to happen right now or else. After a while I'd ignore them and they'd just fade away.

For instance, when my STBx moved out suddenly she was supposed to have her cousin draw up divorce papers for an easy-peasy separation. Six months later she's done absolutely nothing about this, and I will now have to retain my old divorce atty to move this forward.

Meanwhile, she now shows up at my house unannounced to see her bio kids, sleeps over on the sofa, and talks about how we're family and always will be.

Just do you, sir. What will be will be.

J

[southside420]

You know, the sad part is that it would be no surprise to me if she doesn't even remember putting that deadline on things, is already with this person like you suspect, or forgets about it entirely. Meanwhile, here you are making yourself anxious about this soft deadline.

Granted, this is from my own experience, but I can't tell you how many deadlines and "important" things had to happen right now or else. After a while I'd ignore them and they'd just fade away.

For instance, when my STBx moved out suddenly she was supposed to have her cousin draw up divorce papers for an easy-peasy separation. Six months later she's done absolutely nothing about this, and I will now have to retain my old divorce atty to move this forward.

Meanwhile, she now shows up at my house unannounced to see her bio kids, sleeps over on the sofa, and talks about how we're family and always will be.

Just do you, sir. What will be will be.

J

She did not deny being with the new person now. She said she was, but was only with  him because I had ignored her for 3 months and she felt she'd never hear from me again so she used him to try to move on with me, but it felt wrong, and if I agreed to come back to her, she'd stop talking to him and they weren't even in a relationship anyway.

I don't know what to believe because she got into a relationship with me 2 dates in and says she's talked to this new person for over a month and still isn't his girlfriend. Just makes no sense.

[Lucky Jim]

The problem is she's put this "timeline" on things. She says 3 months apart has been enough, and if I am not willing to give it another shot with her in the next month or so, she will continue to see this new person.

Hey southside, Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt) which is how those w/BPD manipulate us Nons.  Deadlines and ultimatums are typical arm-twisting, so be careful about caving in to the pressure, unless it's something you honestly want to do.

Let me ask you a question: If you decided to engage in a recycle, what makes you think things would play out differently this time?  Many of us, including me, have participated in a recycle, only to wind up in the same place, except with more pain.

Don't forget that you're posting on the Detaching Board, not the Conflicted Board.  Most of us here have parted ways with a pwBPD and are pretty jaded about BPD relationships.

LuckyJim

[southside420]

Hey southside, Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt) which is how those w/BPD manipulate us Nons.  Deadlines and ultimatums are typical arm-twisting, so be careful about caving in to the pressure, unless it's something you honestly want to do.

Let me ask you a question: If you decided to engage in a recycle, what makes you think things would play out differently this time?  Many of us, including me, have participated in a recycle, only to wind up in the same place, except with more pain.

Don't forget that you're posting on the Detaching Board, not the Conflicted Board.  Most of us here have parted ways with a pwBPD and are pretty jaded about BPD relationships.

LuckyJim

That's the thing. I am not in the position to think things would be different. She's only had 1-2 months of therapy which changes nothing. Perhaps I need to work through this on my own timeline and if she's gone and committed to the new person, then so be it. I can't let myself live on her schedule.


And maybe I need to post this on the conflicted board... .

[smart_storm26]

"A week later, she told me she loved me every much and that her mother got a new puppy and I'd love it so much, and she knows we are meant to be together and wanted to talk to me now. I told her no. She then demanded to know if I saw a future, and she'd wait a month or so but not longer than that. I told her I had not gotten over what she did to me and I didn't think I could see her anytime soon. She then said I was vile, deserved to die alone, my friends/family were toxic, she hoped she'd never see my disgusting face again and hoped to never hear from me again, and that she knew I knew she was way better than me and could do way better, and the new person was way better than me, and she hopes I hurt every day for throwing away something good with her.

24 hours later, she told me she was sorry for what she said, that she was extremely hurt and upset, but would not contact me again, and that she hoped to hear from me again someday. "


Let me give you a piece of advice here if you are stuck in deciding whether to go back or maintain isolation. From the above description, I can assure you, she has not changed one bit. She is still stuck in her old BPD cycle of doing things - paint white... .then when things don't turn out how she expected... .paint black again. If you go back now you will be going back to all those dysfunctional stuff which forced you to come out of this relationship... .and no one knows better than you how ugly it can be.

I understand your feelings though. You truly loved her, cared for her. Your feelings for her has been constant. There's no painting white and then in a instant change it to black... .that's not how you see her. But that's her way of coping and its an extremely immature, ineffective and dysfunctional coping technique. She has to understand first that these dysfunctional coping mechanisms are not going to take her anywhere. It is then when she will start looking for better ways to maintain relationships. This is the only way she can heal. Losing you for now is a consequence she has to go through until she realizes that she needs to really look into herself and her own problems rather than painting people black and white based on her moods. If you go back now, you will be protecting her from that consequence and actually prevent her for learning these important lessons of life. So my advice to you is you have done the right thing in sticking with isolation from her. Keep doing that until you send the message clear that there can be no place for such dysfunction in your life. You have already been hurt too much and lost too much because of this same dysfunction. If she has it, it is her job to sort it out first.

[Aiko]

I think we dated the same woman, as in the same exact woman.  Your post really struck me, and I've been where you've been, most of the second half of last year. I'm further down the line than you now, and while I miss her, and I don't miss at all what you posTed.  My advice, go back and read what you wrote, and read it again, and again, and again. As many times as you need, and ask yourself this question, do you want to spend the rest of your life living like that? With the threats, the accusations, the instability?  It will most likely never get better, only worse if that's possible. Any little think you do, held over your head, true or made up.  What kind of relationship is that? "I'll call your work", "I'll ruin your life"... .
think hard about that, and then decide.  Healing and moving on hurts, but no way as much as living a lifetime of that. Good luck mate trust your head and your gut right now, not your heart.

[once removed]

hi southside420, and welcome to the family.

if you are feeling conflicted, it would be a good idea to read, post on, and learn the tools on the Bettering board. there are others there in similar situations. members on the Detaching board are working through grieving, so most of the advice you receive will center around that.

yours is a very difficult situation, and it sounds like she is fairly high on the BPD spectrum. a lot of the tools center around creating a relationship that is safe, and works. thats very difficult to achieve if she is prone to threatening suicide or going after you at your job or your family - theres little if any control you can have over that.

i would not rush any decisions. arm yourself with knowledge to inform those decisions. we will walk with you whichever direction you decide to go.

[southside420]

hi southside420, and welcome to the family.

if you are feeling conflicted, it would be a good idea to read, post on, and learn the tools on the Bettering board. there are others there in similar situations. members on the Detaching board are working through grieving, so most of the advice you receive will center around that.

yours is a very difficult situation, and it sounds like she is fairly high on the BPD spectrum. a lot of the tools center around creating a relationship that is safe, and works. thats very difficult to achieve if she is prone to threatening suicide or going after you at your job or your family - theres little if any control you can have over that.

i would not rush any decisions. arm yourself with knowledge to inform those decisions. we will walk with you whichever direction you decide to go.

I believe she is now stalking me, and that's a bit concerning. I told her a week and a half ago to not contact me, which she has not done. However, I was followed on social media by a "food account" which I figured was pictures of food. I requested to follow back, but it was never accepted. However, the account looks at all my pictures and added a girl I had added a while ago, who I am not dating, to their follower list. The profile picture is a person wearing a shirt she wore. I am almost certain it is her.