I am at a loss

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,
I have never posted to a support group before... .here goes... .I am 45 yrs old. My mother has BPD, MDD, Panic Disorder, generalized anxiety, and I believe some sort of hypochondriasis or somatoform disorder. She is 67 yrs old. She was diagnosed with BPD years ago.

I have dealt with all of the issues within myself that have come from being a child of a BPD to the best of my ability. Throughout my life, there have been multiple times were I have broken contact with my mother for long periods, once for approximately 5 years. Over time, our relationship had achieved a relative status quo.

Then I got pregnant 7 yrs ago. She was a nightmare throughout the pregnancy. The pregnancy was terrible for me because, while I had reconciled with the person that I was, I had never contemplated having children. I had to "fix" everything within myself during those months so that I would never pass along the issues that existed in my maternal line. At the time of my daughter's birth, I was not on speaking terms with my mother. I was being "too difficult" and I had "pushed her away" too much. I decided, against my better judgement, to allow her into my life and my child's life knowing what she was capable of doing.

For six years everything had been "okay". Now I am dealing with a BPD grandmother. I always knew she would act out on my daughter, but I assumed it would be when she was older and developing real autonomy, when my daughter stopped wanting a hug (teenage years). I believed I had achieved enough of a balance to control her symptoms. I could talk her down. I could placate. I could manage her. Then this past December I lost control of the situation. Her boundary issues were growing progressively worse. We had an argument stemming from me trying to put a check on an overstep of hers. The situation deteriorated rapidly. It was like being 15 again. But the difference is that I'm not 15. I no longer care if she yells "f*** you" at me anymore, gives me the crazy eye stare, or accuses me of all kinds of terrible things I have not done.

Now we come to the crux of the matter. With the argument, I'm was a terrible person and never to be spoken to again. That's fine for me, however there is now a six year old caught in the middle of this. We are doing everything we can to facilitate visits. We do NOT argue, no matter what comes at us. It is pointless. We schedule visits and day trips for our daughter with her. However, mom keeps going off the rails and raging over the least inconvenience. She is dealing with enforced boundaries and it is not going over well. If she does not get what she wants, when she wants, then she has throws a fit (all via text and email, there is no verbal communication). She wants a visit but if it is not all to her specifications then there is a freak out and we do not hear from her for 2 weeks. Then demands to see our child. Then texts about what a terrible person I am.

We are sheltering our child from what is happening. I grew up with this. I swore when I was pregnant that my child would never have to go through what I went through when I was a child. However, I am above my pay grade with this one. My daughter is bright. She knows there is a problem. She asks me why I cant just get along with Nanny.  Why did I have to fight with Nanny? I want to scream from the top of my lungs that it is not me. But I can't. I reassure her that this is not her fault. It is breaking my heart to see my daughter cry over this awful woman. I am infinitely tired of cleaning up after this person. I am infinitely tired of managing her. I am infinitely tired of being embarrassed. I am infinitely tired of her ruining as much as she can in my life due to her selfish behaviors.

If it was just me, i would walk away and not look back. It's not just me. My daughter has a relatively healthy relationship with my mother. She has not reached prickly teenage rejection years yet. She wants a relationship with my mother and I will facilitate that because it is not damaging to my daughter now. I am trying to balance the damage this woman can do with the damage from the loss of the relationship (It is like I had a tiger on a leash that got away from me).  It is causing my daughter anxiety despite every effort to cushion, conceal, and reassure her. I am at a complete loss as to how to go about this. How do you explain this in 6 year old terms without doing any damage so to relieve the anxiety of the situation?

[sheilasdaughter]

Hi,
I have never posted to a support group before... .here goes... .I am 45 yrs old. My mother has BPD, MDD, Panic Disorder, generalized anxiety, and I believe some sort of hypochondriasis or somatoform disorder. She is 67 yrs old. She was diagnosed with BPD years ago.

I have dealt with all of the issues within myself that have come from being a child of a BPD to the best of my ability. Throughout my life, there have been multiple times were I have broken contact with my mother for long periods, once for approximately 5 years. Over time, our relationship had achieved a relative status quo.

Then I got pregnant 7 yrs ago. She was a nightmare throughout the pregnancy. The pregnancy was terrible for me because, while I had reconciled with the person that I was, I had never contemplated having children. I had to "fix" everything within myself during those months so that I would never pass along the issues that existed in my maternal line. At the time of my daughter's birth, I was not on speaking terms with my mother. I was being "too difficult" and I had "pushed her away" too much. I decided, against my better judgement, to allow her into my life and my child's life knowing what she was capable of doing.

For six years everything had been "okay". Now I am dealing with a BPD grandmother. I always knew she would act out on my daughter, but I assumed it would be when she was older and developing real autonomy, when my daughter stopped wanting a hug (teenage years). I believed I had achieved enough of a balance to control her symptoms. I could talk her down. I could placate. I could manage her. Then this past December I lost control of the situation. Her boundary issues were growing progressively worse. We had an argument stemming from me trying to put a check on an overstep of hers. The situation deteriorated rapidly. It was like being 15 again. But the difference is that I'm not 15. I no longer care if she yells "f*** you" at me anymore, gives me the crazy eye stare, or accuses me of all kinds of terrible things I have not done.

Now we come to the crux of the matter. With the argument, I'm was a terrible person and never to be spoken to again. That's fine for me, however there is now a six year old caught in the middle of this. We are doing everything we can to facilitate visits. We do NOT argue, no matter what comes at us. It is pointless. We schedule visits and day trips for our daughter with her. However, mom keeps going off the rails and raging over the least inconvenience. She is dealing with enforced boundaries and it is not going over well. If she does not get what she wants, when she wants, then she has throws a fit (all via text and email, there is no verbal communication). She wants a visit but if it is not all to her specifications then there is a freak out and we do not hear from her for 2 weeks. Then demands to see our child. Then texts about what a terrible person I am.

We are sheltering our child from what is happening. I grew up with this. I swore when I was pregnant that my child would never have to go through what I went through when I was a child. However, I am above my pay grade with this one. My daughter is bright. She knows there is a problem. She asks me why I cant just get along with Nanny.  Why did I have to fight with Nanny? I want to scream from the top of my lungs that it is not me. But I can't. I reassure her that this is not her fault. It is breaking my heart to see my daughter cry over this awful woman. I am infinitely tired of cleaning up after this person. I am infinitely tired of managing her. I am infinitely tired of being embarrassed. I am infinitely tired of her ruining as much as she can in my life due to her selfish behaviors.

If it was just me, i would walk away and not look back. It's not just me. My daughter has a relatively healthy relationship with my mother. She has not reached prickly teenage rejection years yet. She wants a relationship with my mother and I will facilitate that because it is not damaging to my daughter now. I am trying to balance the damage this woman can do with the damage from the loss of the relationship (It is like I had a tiger on a leash that got away from me).  It is causing my daughter anxiety despite every effort to cushion, conceal, and reassure her. I am at a complete loss as to how to go about this. How do you explain this in 6 year old terms without doing any damage so to relieve the anxiety of the situation?

[bluek9]

Welcome Sheilasdaughter,

            Let me start with wow, how overwhelming this must be for you. I'm so sorry this has been on your plate all your life. And now a precious child is added in the mix. You have found the right place for support.
         There is much mental illness in my family so I can relate to you having walked away on occasion and cut communication. It's all so complicated with families. I'm right there with you when want to keep this kind of dysfunction from happening to your child, because it's what you grew up with. I had to do my best to keep my kids from my parents, and now I'm keeping my grandson from my parents. You're so right about how do you explain to a 6 year old. My grandson is 6. Most of the time I can tell him that our schedules(mine and his) are to busy. Which is true, he has school all day and I work full time. There are occasions when I must interact with my parents(we live in the same small town) I take him with me. I have use very ridged limits. I go, I announce that we have x amount of time(always less than 30 min) I never leave him alone with either of his great grandparents, if the conversation turns in any way I don't care for I simply say hey we gotta go now. For the most part it has worked.
       I hope you keep posting, look forward to hearing about how you are doing.

[Mutt]

Hi sheilasdaughter, 



Id like to bluek9 and welcome you to bpdfamily Im sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. I can relate with your statement with not wanting your kids go through the same thing as you did as a child I have a narcissistic father and an exuBPDw.

She is dealing with enforced boundaries and it is not going over well. If she does not get what she wants, when she wants, then she has throws a fit (all via text and email, there is no verbal communication).

Many here can speak to this because we had no boundaries or floating boundaries, there will be a period were a pwBPD will lash out when you enforce boundaries there will be an extinction burst and it will be over its not to say that she won’t test your boundaries, she’ll test them from time to time.

I’m glad that you decided to join us there is hope it helps to talk to people that are going similar things as you, we can offer you guidance and support you’re not alone.