They just want love

[ijustwantpeace]

It dawned on me that BPDs just want love.

They are simply people with a broken love getting strategy.

While most people understand that loving people and controlling them are two different things, BPDs don't get it.

They keep trying to control people, and people just keep pushing them away.

The sad part is they are so desperate and hungry for love they don't understand why people don't want to be around them.

They don't get like it when they are forced to received help that is not asked for.

They don't understand why people get mad when they offer an opinion no one asked for.

They don't know why their "love hurts" so much.


Today I decided to try a new strategy with my mother.


Instead of yelling and screaming at her to see a therapist, pastors, get friends basically anyone to tell her problems to I gave here a birthday card telling her how much I love her.

After that is what she wants LOVE.

She just does not know how to get it.


I also included a book called Scary Close from Donald Miller.


Donald Miller is a NYTimes best selling author, who had major relationship issues.

He even broke off two engagements due to his controls issues.

He finally learned he is co-dependent kinda of a cousin to borderline illness, but without so the terrible stigma.


So instead of just going for the throat and yelling you need to learn "boundary skills", and to respect other people's no I simply told her I loved her.

I told her to enjoy the book, and that it has helped millions of people find and keep true love.


I am really hoping she will read the book, and find the love of her life, and have healthy relationships with those around her.

One's that are based on love and not control.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ijustwantpeace,

I'm glad you took the time to remind your mom that you love her, and that you chose a different way to approach her. My marriage T said that if you want to have a different outcome then you have to change the music you dance to. Whether your mom is able to absorb and receive it or not isn't the issue. It's you making the choice to just plain old remind her that is good. Thank you for doing that. 

I've also read the book Scary Close. It's very good. There were several things I pulled away from that book and agree that it's quite helpful. So glad that it has been an encouragement to you.    Was there something in particular that you pulled away from the book?

 
Wools

[Pina colada]

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten... .Let us know how it turns out!

[Turkish]

You are onto something.  Dr.  Craig Childress calls pwBPD "abused children, all grown up."

I saw it so much in my mother over the years,  even when I was temporarily "replaced" by other "children" who could validate her. That is,  those who could provide her worth, validation.

[ijustwantpeace]

Hi Ijustwantpeace,

I'm glad you took the time to remind your mom that you love her, and that you chose a different way to approach her. My marriage T said that if you want to have a different outcome then you have to change the music you dance to. Whether your mom is able to absorb and receive it or not isn't the issue. It's you making the choice to just plain old remind her that is good. Thank you for doing that.  

I've also read the book Scary Close. It's very good. There were several things I pulled away from that book and agree that it's quite helpful. So glad that it has been an encouragement to you.   Was there something in particular that you pulled away from the book?

 
Wools

I will be honest my interest in Donald Miller is more for his ability with branding / marketing, but as I watched his interviews I knew something was up.  :)id a little more digging and found Scary Close.

The hard truth is she only cares about "getting love" not hearing me tell her what is wrong with her.

I am hoping this book will teach her the difference between love and control in a way she can understand.

If not I have peace in my heart that I have done right by her to at least give her a fighting chance to have a happy life and experience real love based on choice and not control.

[ijustwantpeace]

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten... .Let us know how it turns out!

So true Pina Colada!  I am hopeful, but not holding my breath.  I have made peace with my mom the best I can.  I really do hope it works, as it has the potential to help so many others.

I you think about it BPD setups up such a confrontational situations for both the BPD and the NONs due to their love getting strategy.

While the BPD is desparate for love and uses control to get it the NON-BPD is just trying to "survive" encounters with their BPD.

All the NON-BPD person can think of is how do I get this person to stop controlling me?

We go at them with books on boundaries, DBT, begging, pleading for them to get therapy or yelling at them at the top our lungs and they have no idea why.

Instead if we practice some of that DBT stuff yourself ie. mindfulness we can approach the problem from a different angle and hopefully get different results.

The intense fear and loneliness they feel is what drives their fear.  Maybe if we go at them with love, it will let their sheilds go down so they can hear some truth.

I don't know.  Just hoping it will make things better for my mother.

As someone who is co-dependent in their thinking and wants to carry others burdens even if they are not mine to carry it is the best I can do.

It is my best effort.

[ijustwantpeace]

You are onto something.  Dr.  Craig Childress calls pwBPD "abused children, all grown up."

I saw it so much in my mother over the years,  even when I was temporarily "replaced" by other "children" who could validate her. That is,  those who could provide her worth, validation.

Thanks Turkish.  If it works I won't be able to take credit.  Any insight I have I have received from the Lord.  I am hope that it will work for my mom, and that she can finally put down the chains she has been carrying for so long.

I am hoping approaching this problem with a loving attitude instead of living in fear of what she will do next will break the cycle.

They are so trapped and stuck in their fear that they can't understand other people's feelings.

In the bible it talks about perfect love cast out all fear  1 John 4:18.

It now makes sense that removing the fear from the equation could really going along way to help "curing" this terrible illness.

If both the BPD and NON are in fear there is no love only conflict.

Both participants are trying to survive.

For the BPD they are trying to survive by controlling others to get love.

While others are trying to survive by breaking free from the control from the BPD.

Love is really survival on it's most basic level.  Everything goes back to survival.

If babies were not cute, they would be less likely to get love(breast milk, protection, care).

If women gave birth to something that looked like a honey badger I am quite confident the human race would not have make it past the first nasty nipple bite.

By loving the BPD, it is shields down, and then by offering them more love they (what they want) they might be receptive to some better "love getting" strategies to get them even more of what they are so departed for.

I am really thankful to God for taking away the guilt, shame, and confusion surrounding this terrible illness.

[Turkish]

"Love covers a multitude of sins."

I wish,  as we all do,  that this stuff was easy 

My Christian T told me,  "personalities typically don't change." He also said,  "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak."

My mom and my ex are to a certain extent,  though I respect both of their abilities to survive.  How much is expected of us,  as "nons" as you say,  is what we struggle with.  My T said "there's nothing wrong with being kind." He also stressed that I had to take care of myself,  another issue most of us here struggle with. 

I'll offer that we can't change to feelings of someone else, nor are we responsible for their feelings.  Being kind isn't Juxtaposed to setting boundaries,  yes?

[ijustwantpeace]

"Love covers a multitude of sins."

I wish,  as we all do,  that this stuff was easy 

My Christian T told me,  "personalities typically don't change." He also said,  "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak."

My mom and my ex are to a certain extent,  though I respect both of their abilities to survive.  How much is expected of us,  as "nons" as you say,  is what we struggle with.  My T said "there's nothing wrong with being kind." He also stressed that I had to take care of myself,  another issue most of us here struggle with. 

I'll offer that we can't change to feelings of someone else, nor are we responsible for their feelings.  Being kind isn't Juxtaposed to setting boundaries,  yes?

I don't have all the answers, but this is what is giving me some peace.

Both me and my mom were locked in a battle for survival.

Her version of survival is driven by an extreme fear of abandonment, and control is how she tried to "get love" to survive.

My version of survival is driven by "emotional trauma" and abuse to get away from her.

I was so senstive to people with personality disorder / mental illness that it would trigger my "survival instinct".

I have a housemate who has "separation anxiety" with his children and seeing the sheer terror of loss has ironically given me sympathy for my mom.

As disruptive, hurtful, and damaging her behavior is I was able to realize this was not "happening to me", it is happening to her.

Her behaviors are so disturbing that I didn't marry as I don't know how to get her to act right.

Trying to explain BPD is too complex, so now if I ever do meet someone I want to be with I will just says she has an illness similar to autism.  Then I gave give them a disclaimer that my mother has some troubling behaviors so be ready for it when it happens.  It does not appear right away though. 

Just when she becomes "attached" to someone that the control issues pop up.

She can't control herself, her emotions, so she trys to control others to feel safe and get love.

Love at it's most basic level is safety.  If the Bible verse after verse is all about God's love and safety.


It's just that some people try to feel safe in a way that causes harm to others.


It is sad, but having this understanding make things much easier to deal with.


My mom said, she did like the card and the book. 

It is the best I can do to communicate that her behavior needs to change, and if I do nothing else I have peace with the way things are.

I guess that means I am up to step 21 on the Survivors Guide!