Weekly self care thread - how are you taking care of you?

[lighthouse9]

Hey good people,

Whew last week was a doozy and this week doesn't feel much better at all.

Therefore... .here it is... .

our weekly reminder to take care of ourselves.

So what are you doing this week for self-care? Anything you can cultivate for yourself, even if it's just taking an extra minute in the bathroom to take deep breaths and count to ten?

For me:

Downloaded another Brene Brown book on audible to listen to while I pack. One of my favorite sci fi series has a new book out, but I'm saving that for my half day drive when I leave next week.

A little (ok maybe more than a little) retail therapy for the new apartment. I've been buying things to replace some of the stuff my STBX and I bought together, like sheets and such, that match my taste and style. In the split, she took all of the gear for one of our outdoor hobbies and I replaced it all tonight. I also bought a cheap desk to put in my living room to set up all my musical equipment so I have a dedicated music space in the new apartment. Dreaming about the new place, even though this is a move I definitely did not want to have to make, has helped distract me a bit from the heaviness of packing up our home and memories by myself since she abandoned me.

Started reading Boundaries per Wentworth's recommendation and reading through another one recommended by my coach called "Necessary Endings."

Journaling/writing poetry discretely in an online journal and playing my guitar more. In both scenarios, I'm letting myself free-write or free-sing and letting whatever messed up, difficult, self-hating, pathetic, or sad thing come out of my mouth/brain without judgment. I wrote a poem called "if you've ever said goodbye to a ghost" about giving myself closure (BPDs just won't give us that closure now will they?) that had me doubled over in tears while writing it, but the catharsis was so necessary.

Introduced my mom to the Karpman Triangle   
Ok this one might sound weird, but given that I'm moving out of state to be close to my FOO and given that the drama there is just about as out of control as it is here, I enlisted my closest ally (my mom) to talk about the drama triangle and how I'll be working to step outside of it when I get home. She's been "waking up" and seeing some of the drama since I've expressed my concern about coming home to it and now calls me to tell me about her observations. So, I sent her a link on the triangle and said hey, maybe you and I can step outside of this mess from time to time.

I'm also being real as hell with people right now. A lot of people are trying to sugar coat things out of their own discomfort and I've kind of stopped care-taking their reactions to my pain. I'm out of F's to give. This might not sound like self-care, but it's a good first step for me to stop trying to take care of everyone when it's not my responsibility.

How about you all?

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[RolandOfEld]

Great thread, lighthouse9! Sounds like you're doing some incredible work on the self care side.

Some recent things I've done / am doing:

Decided to continue counseling. I received a few sessions free from my work but will now invest money in this even though our financial situation is tight. I will need to use some of my overseas saving secretly since my wife would not support this; I would never do this before so this is a big step for me.  

Wrote to my dad and told him some of what was going on. I've always keep everything a secret from everyone but counselors but I couldn't bear it alone anymore, especially since it has deeply affected my FOO relationships.  

Trying to find a choir in my city. Singing in choirs was one of my greatest joys from my youth and it has hurt to give it up. Don't know if I will find anything but at least I'm trying.  

Bought and reading Boundaries ebook also at WW's suggestion (WW you should start getting a commission from Amazon)  

I think overall I'm trying to pick up the life I dropped, especially after I learned about my wife's BPD late last year. Since then I've been so focused on coping with it that I've dropped my career ambitions, efforts to be an intentional parent, and interest in my own activities. I don't really know what to do about this relationship yet but in the meantime I need to start getting a piece of my life back.    

~ROE

[CryWolf]

Hey family,
I hope everyone is having a good and blissful week.

Something’s I have done this week for myself include:

went to see Black Panther alone at the movie theatre. Phenomenal movie and cried a few times . Michael B Jordan inspired me so much I started his diet and workout plan he did for the movie.

Been going to this little restaurant a few times alone and enjoying my own company and chatting with people there. Met a potential friend there.

 went to the park alone and walked around to clear my head. I found out that I typically go to this park and walk whenever my pwBPD leaves me. 

I have been going to the gym everyday in hopes to talk to this i girl I met but didn’t get her number. Nonetheless the people I spent time with at the gym are becoming more and more my good friends. And I am finding any opportunity I can to hang out with people outside.

I downloaded tinder last night, and matched with a cute girl today. I also met a really gorgeous girl at the gym today and got her number and we go to the same school. So gonna see where that goes. I feel guilty because I still have feelings for my pwBPD but I am human and can’t wait forever.

I am becoming more comfortable with being alone and enjoying my own company. It still gets difficult at times but we just have to keep pushing forward.

[Tattered Heart]

Introduced my mom to the Karpman Triangle  
Ok this one might sound weird, but given that I'm moving out of state to be close to my FOO and given that the drama there is just about as out of control as it is here, I enlisted my closest ally (my mom) to talk about the drama triangle and how I'll be working to step outside of it when I get home. She's been "waking up" and seeing some of the drama since I've expressed my concern about coming home to it and now calls me to tell me about her observations. So, I sent her a link on the triangle and said hey, maybe you and I can step outside of this mess from time to time.

I'm also being real as hell with people right now. A lot of people are trying to sugar coat things out of their own discomfort and I've kind of stopped care-taking their reactions to my pain. I'm out of F's to give. This might not sound like self-care, but it's a good first step for me to stop trying to take care of everyone when it's not my responsibility.

I love that you are sharing info with your mom on handling the drama in your FOO. And it also gives her a heads up as to what to expect from you when you get home.

Isn't it freeing to be real about things? I started doing that a little more last year and like you are experiencing, people want to fix it. But I tell them they can't. That it is what it is for the moment and soon it will pass and things will be ok again. I do let them know that if needed I will reach out for help.

As for my self care... .not top priority this week. We are headed into the busy season on our farm and have ALOT of projects that MUST be done by Saturday and well... .they aren't anywhere near done. We are getting 4 pigs this week and we basically only have posts in the spot they will stay. I'm pretty stressed out.

Oh wait! I did set some plans. I haven't been going to group at church lately out of pure laziness so I committed verbally with someone that I would go this Wednesday. And I'm getting together with a friend before that to just caught up. And Saturday evening my girlfriends and I are having dinner together. It's been 2 months since we all had time to meet up.

Law & Order: SVU Season 18 just came out on Netflix. H works overnight tonight so I hope to get in a little time with Detective Benson.  

Trying to find a choir in my city. Singing in choirs was one of my greatest joys from my youth and it has hurt to give it up. Don't know if I will find anything but at least I'm trying.  

Bought and reading Boundaries ebook also at WW's suggestion (WW you should start getting a commission from Amazon)  

How fun! I love to sing. I was in show choir in high school. Last night my H told me I remind him of Andy Bernard with my singing

Boundaries is an excellent book. It was one of the first ones that got me on the right path to recovery. (Yep, I call my learning about BPD and how to live with my H my recovery path).

[isilme]

I'm still trying to get well.  Last week was sent back to the doctor for daily, constant sinus headaches/migraines.  Been trying the last week to rest up a bit and feel better.  Was improving and had more energy over the weekend but then a cool front came in.  I wonder now if this is permanent for me, stabbing intermittent head pain when pressure changes, or if 10 days of strong antibiotics STILL haven't killed the crud.

More spring cleaning - it makes me feel better to have a clean linen closet now.  I got some organizing stuff for my birthday this weekend and went to work on Sunday, and H even "allowed" me to put old sheet sets that don't even fit our bed in the Goodwill box.  Progress.  And I even got about 85% of my laundry folder/hung up. 

Gave myself permission to be pretty lazy ON my birthday, to read my book and set up my new ipad instead of feeling I needed to be doing other things.  I wanted a restful day, and overall it was.  H even talked me out of running any errands this weekend and told me to use the grocery service again so I'd not be at the store for an hour or two after work. 

Also, took a few minutes to sort out some emotional issues with a couple of friends - this was hard, as we declined attending an event THIS weekend and it seemed to make the wife angry (she is my H's counterpart in THEIR relationship, and yes, I can see a little BPD in her).  It tainted part of my birthday, and I was close to crying yesterday about it, H was worried our desire to save money, not travel 2.5 hours away to an area of our state that is less than safe (border town), and instead to take advantage of a 4 day weekend to continue working on my getting better instead of going to a wedding for someone we barely know (friend's little sister) just because our friend felt stressed about it (her FOO is a nightmare) had ruined the friendship forever.  So I took some time to talk to her husband  (my counterpart) and get HIS feelings on the situation and he assured me they were not interested in ending the friendship and that his wife just goes off the handle and gets too emotionally invested in things.  (I can understand that).  So all in all, I feel better and was able to convey enough of the conversation to make H feel better. 

Our office will actually close a little early tomorrow.  I might just nap, or maybe see if H wants to go see a matinee. 

[Radcliff]

A little bit more time practicing the piano, which is nice.
Starting to pick up around the house and catch up on home care that has been neglected these last few months.
Thinking about exercising regularly   Cry Wolf, you're making me want to go to the gym!
lighthouse9 and Roland, I'm talking to my therapist tonight, who recommended both the "Boundaries" book and the parenting book -- I'll let her know that her advice is having a rippling impact!

Made Finnish pancakes for me and D12 after a friend shared the recipe with me:
https://therecipecritic.com/2013/01/pannukkau-finnish-pancake/
Incredibly easy, and awesome with raspberries and whipped cream!

WW