She'll never give me any peace

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been 4 months and I cannot get any peace from my ex girlfriend wBPD. The longest I've had without contact from her was 3 weeks. Tonight was the 2nd week she had been silent, but she broke it to accuse me of "talking to another girl." She further said I'd never love someone like I loved her, and that I am lying to myself to think I will love anyone else like her.

She then accused me of trying to find out who she was dating, which is ironic because she made a fake social media account to stalk me. Then she had one of her friends contact me and pretend to be someone else in order to get me to talk. It's just so dumb that she's off dating someone else but I am supposed to run things by her before I do anything with anyone.

I'm at my breaking point now. I'll never get peace. Even if I change my number, she will find a way to get it.

[southside420]

It's been 4 months and I cannot get any peace from my ex girlfriend wBPD. The longest I've had without contact from her was 3 weeks. Tonight was the 2nd week she had been silent, but she broke it to accuse me of "talking to another girl." She further said I'd never love someone like I loved her, and that I am lying to myself to think I will love anyone else like her.

She then accused me of trying to find out who she was dating, which is ironic because she made a fake social media account to stalk me. Then she had one of her friends contact me and pretend to be someone else in order to get me to talk. It's just so dumb that she's off dating someone else but I am supposed to run things by her before I do anything with anyone.

I'm at my breaking point now. I'll never get peace. Even if I change my number, she will find a way to get it.

[JNChell]

Hi southside420. It’s sounds like you’re having a difficult time here. The Detaching Board is a good place to begin your healing. We’re all here for similar reasons. We empathize with and hear you.

If I read correctly, it sounds like you simply want her to leave you alone and move on with your life, and that she is making this quite difficult. Have you considered full NC? I understand that you’re trying, but responding to her engagements can make it a lot more difficult to detach.

It also appears that there is a lot of projection going on from her side. What have you learned about BPD and the behaviors associated with it thus far? Which of these behaviors can you relate to your ex? How can we help you ss420? We’re happy that you found us. Please share when you’re comfortable.

[Skip]

Part of me wants to reach back to her and tell her I do want to talk, but I am afraid of re-opening everything and setting her off again. She hasn't contacted me in 6 days, but I never know if she will keep quiet. I still care for her and love her and hope she gets the help she needs, but I don't think she's taking it seriously and no one understands the gravity of her illness. Should I just avoid her and try to forget? I am in therapy and my therapist says her illness takes years of therapy to manage and I should not talk or see her.

Are you wanting it to end or are you holding out for her to get the message to get help?

[southside420]

Hi southside420. It’s sounds like you’re having a difficult time here. The Detaching Board is a good place to begin your healing. We’re all here for similar reasons. We empathize with and hear you.

If I read correctly, it sounds like you simply want her to leave you alone and move on with your life, and that she is making this quite difficult. Have you considered full NC? I understand that you’re trying, but responding to her engagements can make it a lot more difficult to detach.

It also appears that there is a lot of projection going on from her side. What have you learned about BPD and the behaviors associated with it thus far? Which of these behaviors can you relate to your ex? How can we help you ss420? We’re happy that you found us. Please share when you’re comfortable.

At this point, I want to end things, and that is how I left them with her. I can't answer the question of why I would want someone who has done such horrible things to me and cares nothing for my mental health or wellbeing in my life. The reality is, I don't.

I told her 3 weeks ago that I did not see a future for us and she needed to leave me alone and let me heal. I told her that 4 months ago as well, but she continues to contact me, finding ways around the blocking mechanisms I have put into place. I don't want to change my number because she will find it anyway, as she knows my address and name and there are paid services that can find cell numbers.

I am in therapy and have been for several weeks and it is helping, but her constant contact continues to haunt me and give me tremendous anxiety. I don't owe her any warning that I am talking to someone nor do I care who she's dating or with. Her incessant statements that I'll never love someone like I loved her and never be happy with anyone but her is tiring as well. I have not spoken to her but once in 4 months which was 3 weeks ago telling her I still did not want to be with her or talk.

I don't know what to do.

[southside420]

Are you wanting it to end or are you holding out for her to get the message to get help?

I don't think she is getting help anymore, and her support group is as toxic as she is. She even has a friend of hers helping her harass me. It's never ending.

[Skip]

When you break up and get back together again multiple times, as you have, it the rules get really fuzzy. Breakup often doesn't mean break up - it is often a signal.

I think from quote from just a few days ago, you weren't sure.

This is not to blame or excuse anyone, its just an observation after reading many members who have been in and out of a relationship, over and over.

My sense from reading your post history is, for whatever reason (doesn't matter), the relationship has crossed over into some non-recoverable things. Threatening suicide, contacting your office, posting on social media and telling all your ex girlfriends I abused her; contacting your mother to tell her your were homicidal; and threatening to go back to the police -  as coercion - it's not safe to go back.

The question is, how do you politely tell her you are moving on? You don't want to kick up her fears of abandonment or her resentful side either. You want to fade out.

Thoughts?

[southside420]

When you break up and get back together again multiple times, as you have, it the rules get really fuzzy. Breakup often doesn't mean break up - it is often a signal.

I think from quote from just a few days ago, you weren't sure.

This is not to blame or excuse anyone, its just an observation after reading many members who have been in and out of a relationship, over and over.

My sense from reading your post history is, for whatever reason (doesn't matter), the relationship has crossed over into some non-recoverable things. Threatening suicide, contacting your office, posting on social media and telling all your ex girlfriends I abused her; contacting your mother to tell her your were homicidal; and threatening to go back to the police -  as coercion - it's not safe to go back.

The question is, how do you politely tell her you are moving on? You don't want to kick up her fears of abandonment or her resentful side either. You want to fade out.

Thoughts?

Right now, I am afraid to even engage with her because she just attempts to suck me back into her. I have told her multiple times that the damage done is too much and I do not want a future with her and she needed to let me move on and she needed to move on and let us both heal. I don't know how else to do it. She is already dating again and has been for over a month, so I do not understand why she cannot just leave me alone so I can move on and someday find someone else as well.

[Skip]

Right now, I am afraid to even engage with her because she just attempts to suck me back into her. I have told her multiple times that the damage done is too much and I do not want a future with her and she needed to let me move on and she needed to move on and let us both heal. I don't know how else to do it. She is already dating again and has been for over a month, so I do not understand why she cannot just leave me alone so I can move on and someday find someone else as well.

Strength is really important in these relationships and in ending it. I don't mean aggression. I mean confidence, commitment.

What was the last contact you had, when, and what was said?

[southside420]

Strength is really important in these relationships and in ending it. I don't mean aggression. I mean confidence, commitment.

What was the last contact you had, when, and what was said?

The last response I sent her was that I saw no future for us, that she had done horrible things to me that I may never get over, and she needed to let me go, let me heal and move on. I said this two weeks ago.

The last contact I had from her was last night, where she got angry that I was "talking to another girl" and was upset I didn't tell her. She then accused me of trying to find out who she was dating and said she was not going to let me find out. Then went on to say I won't ever love anyone like I loved her and won't ever be happy like I was with her, and she doesn't understand why I keep lying to myself and trying to find someone else. I did not respond to any of her messages last night.

[stixx44]

I think if you really want to walk away, you have to block her and not engage. Reading her texts, even while not responding, might set you back. I know it did for me.

But you’ll know when you’re ready to do that. Maybe you’re just not there yet.

[southside420]

I think if you really want to walk away, you have to block her and not engage. Reading her texts, even while not responding, might set you back. I know it did for me.

But you’ll know when you’re ready to do that. Maybe you’re just not there yet.

I have blocked over 50 numbers she's tried to use to contact me. The only other option I have is to change numbers, but I really don't want to go through such lengths just to avoid her. I keep thinking she will just put all her energy into the new guy she's with, but so far it hasn't really happened. She can't leave me alone and even seems to think I'll come back eventually and that right now I'm just lying to myself when I think I don't want to be with her

[Harley Quinn]

I have blocked over 50 numbers she's tried to use to contact me. The only other option I have is to change numbers, but I really don't want to go through such lengths just to avoid her.

That's really serious southside and sounds like it would fall under harassment.  Have you considered speaking to the police about this?  I feel for you.  I've had situations that were extreme from an ex in the past and it was very disconcerting and anxiety provoking.  If you consider the discomfort of changing your phone number versus the discomfort you are feeling right now, which is bigger?

Love and light x

[stixx44]

I’m curious... .how does she contact you if her number is blocked?

[Pencil sketch]

50 numbers, I agree with Harley Quinn, that's serious.
For your own sanity, change your number, I did, and it's given me enough peace, to start healing and moving on.
I feel for you.
I blocked my ex, but all that did, was put her messages into a folder, so the temptation was there to read them.
The only way forward for many people, is no contact, and this sounds like one of those examples.