Heartbreak, death, and new revelations

[zachira]

Yesterday, I learned that my aunt, my mother's sister, has died after many years in a nursing home. I am surprised at how sad I am. I loved my aunt dearly, yet she was old and sick. My borderline mother called me to tell me the news, and I had to hang up on her after a couple of minutes, because it just made me sick how she told me about my beloved aunt's death is such a detached, uncaring manner. Yesterday, I was looking at old photos and letters. My aunt wrote me many caring messages, and there are photos of her holding her great niece and nephew showing her being affectionate and enjoying them. I have never seen my mother enjoy a child or know how to express real affection for them. There were several pictures of mom, in which she seemed to try to act happy, and she frankly looked like she was just not present.
There are also cards from mom, with printed messages, that sound wonderful, yet are a complete contradiction of how she has treated me most of the time. I just wonder how could two sisters be so different? My aunt was the oldest daughter and probably welcomed in the family.
My aunt hated her grandfather who was extremely abusive, and had her middle name changed because it was her grandfather's name. Mom on the other hand seems to talk about the abuse suffered like she was always a victim and unable to stand up for herself. I would like to know about other's experience in this regard, and what you think about what I have shared here.

[bluek9]

Hi Zachira, I just read your post and let me say your feelings are valid and real. Often we look at two different people from the same family we find ourselves wondering exactly the same thing you talk about... how can two completely different people be from the same family. How does that happen? How can there be such conflict in memories?
      I have asked myself those same questions about, myself and my two brothers. One is older, one is younger. We grew up in severe dysfunction with an abusive alcoholic father. My younger brother suffers mental illness but, he would tell you we had a good childhood by his accounts. My older brother would tell you our parents never loved him and never did anything for him. Younger went to prison at 16, older left home at 16. That just left me. Now I would tell you we suffered deeply at the hands of our father, he inflicted great mental and physical anguish and much PTSD in me.
     I left home at 17 made my own life, my brothers both are drug addicts and alcoholics. Often I wonder how is it that I avoided those pit falls, how is it that I'm not mentally ill? I found out that's called survivors guilt. It can be a really hard thing for us to come to grips with the fact each person has their own perspective on things. You can put two people in the same situation and both of them will describe it in different ways.
     I'm sorry for your loss Zachira, losing a loved one is painful, then to have some else seemingly dismiss the significance of that loss to you adds more pain. I'm glad to read that you took time to look at pictures of times that were happy for you. I do my best to think about and remember those who came into my life and filled the void left by my own dad. Thanks for sharing your experience of having a great aunt who loved you.

[Mutt]

Hi zachiri,



I'm sorry for your loss  I don't have any advice for you, some members can't make that revelation because they didn't a positive role model in their lives, it sounds like you have very good memories of your aunt.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Zachira,

Sometimes I wonder if the overwhelming grief I felt when I've lost someone who showed me care and kindness isn't because of the deep need I've felt within to desperately receive that care and kindness. In the end wouldn't you say it was love shown to you? Those are the moments when I want to cry for my own loss because the stark reality is blatantly laid before us and causes us to question what really took place in our life.  Did the passing of your aunt help you to feel loved by her and at the same time less loved by others? What types of feelings were you able to connect with?

Here is a link that might help you where others also share about their grief:

Grieving our Losses

 
Wools

[Turkish]

Hi zachira,

Erin Pizzey, who pioneered the women's shelter movement,  observed early on the phenomenon of women who seemed addicted to violence, or let's just call it "drama" here.  She also noted the fact of women who came from violent homes who didn't play out or repeat the conflict from their FOO (family of origin). She named such women Transenders. My ex isn't  Transcender,  and my mom only kind of was, but not really.  Good for your aunt for being  a Transcender and that she seems like she was a safe person for you.   

It's sad that your mom lapsed into unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to survive, and that her attitude about her sister's passing hurt you.  She is likely unable to realize this,  nor properly process her own pain.