23years—need recommendations that may help bring stability to our children

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been with my wife for 23 years (17 married).  We have three kids and her behavior has shifted to my oldest son.  This has caused an enormous amount of distress with my younger kids as well.  My wife has been threatening me with divorce for the last 5 years and has also blamed my oldest son for our marital problems.  This finally drove me to seek marriage counseling.  Once things improved between us, she started with her dangerous behavior again.  Through this process, I have come to learn about BPD.  

Two separate psychologists mentioned it as a possibility to me.  Our marriage therapist and my son's therapist confronted my wife and told her that she is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and my son. I have read the books recommended, but they all make my wife out to be the victim.  I feel like I have spent our entire relationship catering to her and the comments about it not being her fault does not help with the divorce process.  Although my wife has not been diagnosed to my knowledge, she hits every trait not he list, to include constantly accusing me of abandoning her due to my hours at work. She is not cooperating with individual therapy and has not put in the work recommended by her therapist (once a week).  She has also lied to the therapist about her abusive upbringing.  

I recently moved out and initiated a divorce.  I am having trouble stating the course even with the firm believe that she will never change.  I recently realized how much she has lied to me and the extent she will go to to manipulate me.  My oldest son is pushing me to divorce her more than my family is.  I have never said an unkind word to my children about their mother.  However, I have recently learned that she is constantly making negative comments about me to them.  

I need support to maintain the course and recommendations that may help bring stability to our children's lives.    

[Generic]

I have been with my wife for 23 years (17 married).  We have three kids and her behavior has shifted to my oldest son.  This has caused an enormous amount of distress with my younger kids as well.  My wife has been threatening me with divorce for the last 5 years and has also blamed my oldest son for our marital problems.  This finally drove me to seek marriage counseling.  Once things improved between us, she started with her dangerous behavior again.  Through this process, I have come to learn about BPD.  

Two separate psychologists mentioned it as a possibility to me.  Our marriage therapist and my son's therapist confronted my wife and told her that she is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and my son. I have read the books recommended, but they all make my wife out to be the victim.  I feel like I have spent our entire relationship catering to her and the comments about it not being her fault does not help with the divorce process.  Although my wife has not been diagnosed to my knowledge, she hits every trait not he list, to include constantly accusing me of abandoning her due to my hours at work. She is not cooperating with individual therapy and has not put in the work recommended by her therapist (once a week).  She has also lied to the therapist about her abusive upbringing.  

I recently moved out and initiated a divorce.  I am having trouble stating the course even with the firm believe that she will never change.  I recently realized how much she has lied to me and the extent she will go to to manipulate me.  My oldest son is pushing me to divorce her more than my family is.  I have never said an unkind word to my children about their mother.  However, I have recently learned that she is constantly making negative comments about me to them.  

I need support to maintain the course and recommendations that may help bring stability to our children's lives.    

[heartandwhole]

Hi Generic,



I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. That is difficult enough to go through. Add BPD/traits into the mix, and it can be very, very tough.  . I’m glad you reached out. You’ve found a great community of people who understand what you are going through.

There are also lots of resources and tools you can use to help mitigate the stress of transitioning out of the relationship.

Where are the children living right now?

Do you have a good support system, like friends and family whom you can turn to?

Keep posting. We’re here for you.

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Generic, Welcome!  I'd like to echo h&w and say that you are not alone.  Many of us have been in your shoes, believe me.  How long ago did you move out?  When you state that you are having trouble staying the course, does that mean you are considering a recycle?  If so, plenty of us, including me, have done it.  It sounds like you have been through a lot over the last 23 years.  What would you like to see happen at this point?  What prompted you to move out?  What are your gut feelings?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Generic]

Moved out close to one month ago.  Kids split their time with me and their mother.  My oldest wants to live with me.  He does not want to see mom again.  I have been trying to get him to forgive her, but so far he has been fighting it every step of the way.  He has recently made threats of going to court himself and being emancipated.  Not sure I am doing the right thing by making him spend time with her. 

[Generic]

What prompted me to move out was several incidents that took place since therapy started.   One of which was finding out she was "overly flirtatious" with my best friend, while I was in Iraq.  He was the best man in our wedding.  There were two other incidents that took place, that I would not like to share at this time.  Neither of with are related to infidelity.  One incident had to do with her placing me and herself in severe jeopardy, then lying to me about it after. 

My gut feeling is that everything she does is a manipulation.  Each time I have gone back to her, the behavior immediately returned and I regretted the decision.  I wish this wasn't happening, but I can't live like that anymore.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Generic, That sounds very challenging with your oldest son.  How old is he?  At some point, it would seem like the decision whether to see your W is up to him, depending on his age.  Maybe it would help if you could find a T for him?  Sometimes it's hard to know the right thing to do when kids are involved (something I know all too well).  I doubt that you can force him to forgive her.

No, you can't go on like this, which seems like a realistic assessment of your situation.  What are you doing to take care of yourself?  A separation can be extremely stressful, as I know from personal experience.  As h&w asked, Do you have any close friends or family members with whom you can discuss your situation?  It's important, I think, to avoid getting isolated, because you can lose all perspective.

Let us know how we can help.  Do you have any particular questions?  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years so I can relate to your situation.

LuckyJim

[Generic]

My son is seeing a therapist weekly.  It is helping him.  He doesn't think everything is his fault like she has accused him of for the last three years.  He still thinks his mother hates him. 

I have been talking to family and friends.  My parents have been dealing with my wife's behavior for years.  They recently revealed to me that they stopped visiting because of the way she has been treating them.  My parents believed the behavior was only aimed at them and that I was not treated the same way.  Once I told them the problems going on at. home, they were quick to provide emotional and financial help.  My sister also said she has not been able to visit because of my wife's and mother in laws behavior. 

Since I have lost most of my close friends, because my wife believed they were not health people to be around, I have some work to do to make reestablish contact with them. 

Are there any success stories regarding a health marriage and BPD?  My biggest problem is that my wife will not seek help.  She tells me that she is seeing a different therapist now and is having sessions via telephone. 

From what I have read this is one of the biggest issues surrounding BPD. The day before our first couples therapy, my wife revealed to me that she was assaulted when she was young.  Also made the claim that "there are a lot of layers to this onion and I'm not unraveling them for anyone".  Further reinforces the fact she is unwilling to face her inner demons.

The problem I face now, is the literature describing how spouses react to BPD.  I am realizing all of the mistakes I have made.  Which throws me back in to the rut of self blame, which is what I have been doing for years.  When I explain this to family members, they say I am crazy to think such things, but I am unsure.  Bottom line, my head is all over the place.  I don't know what to think.  I am worried I will let my feelings towards my wife will take prescidence over logical thinking.   

[heartandwhole]

Bottom line, my head is all over the place.  I don't know what to think.  I am worried I will let my feelings towards my wife will take prescidence over logical thinking.    

That is very understandable, Generic. Most of us have been there. It's okay to feel confused and for the head to fight with the heart. While you are in this state, I'd take it slow and avoid making big decisions. Of course, choices are sometimes pressed upon us, for many reasons. At those times, I'd try to take as much time as you can to listen to your inner voice/gut/instincts.

With all the racket going on in our heads, usually based on fear, it can be hard to hear the steady inner urging that we often even ignore because we're afraid of how we will have to respond to it.

Doubts will come and go. But maybe there is a deeper knowing you can tap into?

Yes, there are success stories. Have a look on the Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup board to see how members are dealing with their situations. You can learn tools that will help you in all your relationships going forward, even if this one has come to an end.

We've got your covered, no matter what direction things go.   For now, I encourage you to keep posting and processing your feelings.

We have an excellent article on F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) that might resonate. If you have time to read it, I'd love to know what you think. Could it be playing a role in your current dilemma?

heartandwhole

[Generic]

I have read that article before and read it again.  There are a lot of factors I can relate to.  I realized some time ago that I was responding emotionally to her demands.  I found myself responding emotionally, in a way that I believed she expected (not good).  Throughout our relationship, I was not always like that.  It has become more of a reflex that has been engrained.  I have also read numerous articles how this enables her. 

When things got really bad about 2 years ago, I was standing up for myself, in a non confrontational way.  I would try to reason and rationalize the situation.  For years she accused me of being absent and not doing enough work around the house.  The only time I was away from the house, was while I was at work.  Then straight home to help her with the workload.  She would threaten to leave me and demand that I leave the house.  I was heartbroken and took her perspective to heart.  I would apologize and plead for a second chance.  I would do more work around the house.  It came to a point where I was doing everything around the house myself.  She had another breakdown and the same old accusations emerged. 

I explained to her that I had been working and was responsible for all of the household chores.  I tried to reinforce my point by telling her that she had not touched the dishes for over a month.  I told her that I did not know what was bothering her, but I literally cannot do anymore work around the house. 

This is one of the only times I feel like I able to reach her.  She realized what I was saying was true.  She then shifted her aggression towards my son.  She said I was right and the the problem she was having was the behavior of our son.  She then told him that if mom and dad were ever to get a divorce, it would be all his fault.  She also stated that she couldn't live with him anymore.  All three of our children were in the room and ran away crying.

I tried to reconcile the situation.   I asked everyone to sit down and have a family meeting.  Once the kids had returned, my wife began to insult me.  She told me I was making an ass out of myself.  She asked me why I was acting that way and again said I was an ass and was making a fool out of myself.  The house has never been the same since.  I gave up on the family meeting and chose to speak with the kids individually.  A year later in therapy, she apologized to my son and I. 

What I am getting at, is that there are numerous ways to speak to someone with BPD.  I've read the catch phrase, "I'm sorry you feel that way" more times than I'd like to remember.  Is it realistic to expect someone to have the proper response ready for any given situation when hard times arise?  I fell that if I respond incorrectly, my children will suffer.  They are the ones walking on eggshells.  My 10 yea old has panic attacks at night.  ":)ad it has been a long time since mom has freaked out.  I am worried tonight she is gong to get upset again."   My 13 year old takes every opportunity to confront his mother and hurt her.  My wife bought him a stuffed animal for Valentine's Day.  I found it under his bed along with a pair of scissors.  The stuffed animal had been cut to shreds. 


Stress is her trigger.  Our kids are all under the age of 14.  I know there is real stressors laying ahead and can't imagine how many catch phrases I would have to remember to cater to her needs.  What's worse, is that all the while she treatment towards me is getting worse.  She has stopped erupting around the kids, but every interaction with her is a nightmare. 

[Lucky Jim]

Since I have lost most of my close friends, because my wife believed they were not health people to be around, I have some work to do to make reestablish contact with them. 

Hey Generic, It's easy to get isolated in a BPD r/s, which can lead to problems because you can lose all perspective.  I would encourage you to reach out to your close friends and family members.  Maybe you can be honest and explain that you've been going through a tough time in your marriage?  It's important, I think, to avoid isolation in a BPD r/s.

With all the racket going on in our heads, usually based on fear, it can be hard to hear the steady inner urging that we often even ignore because we're afraid of how we will have to respond to it.

I agree w/heartandwhole and suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  I ignored mine, which caused a lot of pain down the line.  Try to connect with that inner compass, if you can.

LuckyJim