Struggling with Guilt

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

I am an adult child of a borderline mother (if you've read "the book", then she is definitely the "witch".

I've known since I was about 4 years old that what was happening in my family wasn't "right".  I'm now 40 years and many dramas and therapy sessions past that time.  My father passed away many years ago, and I only have one sibling. My brother is estranged from her, and I wish I could make the same choice.  I have maintained my relationship with her for so long, because I don't want to be consumed with guilt when some day she too, passes away.  Plus I feel that my father would be deeply saddened and upset to know that I chose to cut off ties with her. 

The problem is, that I can't continue to maintain this relationship. I've tried setting boundaries numerous times, but every conversation we have, she crosses them (or attempts to). She is an emotional drain, and the idea of speaking with her, or spending time with her gives me intense anxiety.

I have read that borderlines don't do well with boundaries, so generally it's easier to be all in or all out with them.

I'm wondering if there is another way?

[heavysigh]

Hi all,

I am an adult child of a borderline mother (if you've read "the book", then she is definitely the "witch".

I've known since I was about 4 years old that what was happening in my family wasn't "right".  I'm now 40 years and many dramas and therapy sessions past that time.  My father passed away many years ago, and I only have one sibling. My brother is estranged from her, and I wish I could make the same choice.  I have maintained my relationship with her for so long, because I don't want to be consumed with guilt when some day she too, passes away.  Plus I feel that my father would be deeply saddened and upset to know that I chose to cut off ties with her. 

The problem is, that I can't continue to maintain this relationship. I've tried setting boundaries numerous times, but every conversation we have, she crosses them (or attempts to). She is an emotional drain, and the idea of speaking with her, or spending time with her gives me intense anxiety.

I have read that borderlines don't do well with boundaries, so generally it's easier to be all in or all out with them.

I'm wondering if there is another way?

[Turkish]

Hi heavysigh,



How did you learn about boundaries? We have tools here in the lessons at the top of the board which are expanded discussions from the tools in the usual books.  As an example:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Maybe you can give one current example and we can work it out here?

Stepping back a little,  what behaviors lead you to label her the BPD Witch Mother?

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

I have read that borderlines don't do well with boundaries, so generally it's easier to be all in or all out with them.

I'm wondering if there is another way?

Well done on discovering why your childhood was so difficult. Knowledge is power. I full understand why you may feel it should be all or nothing. That is how a BPD thinks, black and white thinking and that is what they've taught us.There are examples on this board of full contact, Low contact (LC) and No contact (NC). I have managed all three with my BPD. Emotionally a BPD is a bit like an 8 year old. My kids didn’t like vegetables, but they managed to eat some. In other words just because a BPD would rather there were no boundaries, does not prevent us from putting them in place.

You are right that your BPD would see it all or nothing, but this forum has many tools to allow you to take control back, and if you want LC you can have it. Admittedly your BPD might fight this, but so what. Feel free to ask question or go with Turk's suggestion of an example.
 

[Panda39]

Hi heavysigh,

I'd like to join the others and welcome you to the BPD Family 

To me radical acceptance and boundaries are key when dealing with someone with BPD.  I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife so I come at BPD from a slightly different angle. 

Radical Acceptance you seem to have... .she is who she is and she's going to do what she is going to do, she is not going to change (without lots of Therapy), she is not going to be who you would like her to be, she simply is who she is.

More on Radical Acceptance... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

So if you can accept she is not going to change or do anything different, it's time to set boundaries.  Turkish gave you a great link to more on boundaries.  Boundaries are about you and what you need to make the relationship with your mother more tolerable.  Your mother will most likely try and flip it on it's head and make it about punishment for her... .she will go into victim mode.  She will most likely use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail to get you to back down from your boundary. 

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Being raised by her you might find setting and enforcing boundaries particularly hard.  I found with my SO's daughters they were raised to have little to no boundaries when it came to their mother. 

One example had to do with cell phones.  Both girls were trained by their mother to answer their cell phones every time they rang... .it was rude to not answer your phone when it rang.  It didn't matter if you were with friends, in the middle of dinner or asleep in your bed you better answer the phone!  Now we of course know that you can let a call go to voicemail if it comes at an inconvenient time and call the person back later.  But both girls had been trained... .the FOG was thick... .Fear of punishment for not answering, Obligated to answer because it was their mother, made to feel Guiltyif mom found out they didn't answer the phone. 

Once the divorce was final their dad & their therapist helped them learn boundaries when it came to their mother, they still struggle sometimes those learned behaviors can take awhile to unlearn. Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  They can be very helpful when dealing with a BPD person.

I know how chaotic it can be to have someone with BPD in your life and how things can get twisted around.  So I want to give you a simplistic view of setting boundaries.  I think it is helpful when you are in the thick of it to remember what setting a boundary looks like and what you might see in your mother's behaviors.

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts (your mom might use some obligation here for example).  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines (your mom might up it to guilt).  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (we call this an Extinctions Burst when things get temporarily worse before getting better). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want (so if you don't enforce your boundary your mom has just learned how far she has to go to get what she wants).  What happens if mom doesn't give in? (you enforce your boundary) The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

Now this doesn't mean the kid (your mom) will not test the boundary again the next time you go to the store.  The key is consistency.

More on an Extinction Burst... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

My guess is that you have already seen much of the behaviors I've mentioned above.  So I want to say again that boundaries are about you and making the relationship with your mother workable , it is not about punishing her (although she would like you to think that).

The guilt you are feeling is about her and her behaviors it has nothing to do with you, my guess if you are like most people here, you have tried every way you know to accommodate your mom and to make your mom happy.  But is she ever happy?  Is she ever satisfied? Sadly probably not.  You can't make her happy and you can't change her, the only person we can truly change, make happy, and control is ourselves.  So focus on you... .It is okay to do that, to put yourself first, to take care of you, to love yourself... .it is not selfish.

Take Care, 
Panda39