Reeling and trying to regain balance after recent major trigger by uBPDsis

[tryingveryhard]

 

Hi I am back again. looking for words of comfort. uBPDsis has successfully turned our beloved niece against us (not the first time I think). We haven't seen our niece is months despite our respectful efforts. She refers all communication back to her mother. So I called her mother despite our no contact decision, because it appears to be the only way to get permission for contact with her niece. My uBPD sis returned my call angrily to say that my niece does not want to spend time with us over the March break and then she coldly got off the phone immediately. So we are being punished and my sister has clearly poisoned our relationship with our niece. I feel upset because we have been a source of resiliency for my niece in dealing with her BPD mother.

I am trying hard to maintain wise mind and accept this situation for what it is. Something beyond my control. I know it is probably possible to grovel to my uBPDsis to perhaps be able to spend time with our beloved niece but my partner and I are so worn down, possibly traumatized from coping with uBPDs illness for the past 15 years to provide a source of resiliency for our niece.

When my sis has needed us directly she has allowed us to bond deeply with our niece. But when she doesn't need anything from us she discards us like we don't even exist. She is low key hostile when she spends time with us, acts like she is doing us a favour, and behaves with an astonishing lack of reciprocity. For example, in the past 15 years she has invited us to her home for dinner maybe once. Meantime she spent 3 to 5 nights a week with us for 4-5 years when her relationship with common-law man was sour. We fed her and transported her and took care of the baby while she literally just slept. We have had her over for dinner countless times, given her money for groceries regularly, taken her on vacations, invited her to the yearly holidays. I have spent countless hours listening to her talk about nonsense and helped her work through endless crisis. She ruins every single holiday, including birthdays.

about 2 months ago she bombarded me with a litany of insults and basically character assassination, including that i have ruined her life and that i have lied about the abuse by my father. turns out that the on again off again treatment of me, the ruining of holidays, the periodic cutoffs from seeing my niece, and other nasty actions have been about her belief that I am a liar. This despite her witnessing of my father's chronic, horrific treatment of me as a child and of course the fact that she didn't witness the sexual abuse. She has said that the thought of it makes her sick and gave her a breakdown in her 20's. For her, if something feels painful then it can't be true --  classic borderline coping strategy I guess.

She blames her behaviour when she has a major freak out about something, as caused by a problem with her medication. Then she changes or tweaks the medication and claims to be all better. she will accept no responsibility for any of her out of control and frankly abusive behaviours, blaming it on medication or some other external factor.

So currently i have been triggered and am trying to practice self-soothing and Wise Mind skill to recover from this massive triggering. It feels like re-traumatisation to be accused of being a huge liar about the abuse. And to realized i have been punished all these years by the sibling i and my partner have really worked on supporting and understanding, even before my niece was born.

It am in a lot of pain right now. I know it will pass. It really breaks my heart to see my niece being alienated from us when we have had a very close relationship and spent so much time together. We got her into piano lessons and a community recreation club and have taken her on beautiful hikes, rented cabins to bring her up north, helped her learn to swim, taken her out of her house to see a bigger world than the confines of her apartment, ... .  In other words, we have loved her a lot in deed not just word and provided experiences to increase her resiliency with coping with a BPDmum.

My sis is always on the verge, 30 seconds away, from terminating our relationship for any imagined insult or misbehaviour on our part. Then we have to grovel and apologize to reestablish the connection, such as it is. Soo frustrating. I guess she feels better when she dumps this way but it is very difficult on our end to say the least.

Just looking for comfort because I feel so triggered and hopeless about the whole situation.

Thanks for listening. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Tryingveryhard, 

I'm really sorry for your hurt right now and first of all want to share a hug with you.   I'm sure you need it a lot.

How painful to have someone be so invalidating to you. Plus when you throw in the fact that they don't believe you, well for me that is an especially hurtful wound that triggers me a lot. I so get it. Here is the good news though that I've come to learn when the hurt is so painful:  just because a pwBPD says or believes something about us doesn't make it true. One of the very deep affects of a BPD upon us is that we often question our own believability and grasp of truth. Part of the healing process is learning that what they say and do does NOT define us. I'm not at all trying to minimize your pain though. I want to encourage you that you are right to feel what you do and to have concern for your niece as well.

Your niece will not forget you, and as she begins to become more independent, chances are she will come back to seek a relationship with you. How old is she now?

 
Wools

[heartandwhole]

Hi tryingveryhard,

I'd like to join Woolspinner2000 and welcome you back. I'm sorry that you are in pain. That is so understandable. In your shoes, I'd feel very triggered, too. 

My sis is always on the verge, 30 seconds away, from terminating our relationship for any imagined insult or misbehaviour on our part. Then we have to grovel and apologize to reestablish the connection, such as it is. Soo frustrating. I guess she feels better when she dumps this way but it is very difficult on our end to say the least.

I found the abrupt about faces absolutely heartbreaking in my relationship. It made me feel on the edge and unsafe most of the time. So much stress for body and mind! 

I agree with Woolspinner2000: I'm sure your niece will remember what you have done for her and seek you out again at some point. I know that doesn't alleviate the hurt you are suffering right now, but knowing that you've changed the life of a person for the better—that's something that I hope will comfort you as you process your feelings.

heartandwhole

[stormy seas]

Your niece will not forget you! The memories you have her will last a lifetime. She hopefully will grow and mature and see things how they really are. She is victim as well. My hugs go out to you, I can empathize worth your situation. I'm so sorry for this pain