The Journey Forward After Domestic Violence In My Marriage (Part 2)

[Radcliff]

This is a continuation of the original thread,
The Journey Forward After Domestic Violence In My Marriage.

We have been waiting for the results of a screening evaluation to determine whether to move from supervised to unsupervised visits for my wife with D12, and a visitation schedule.  The report was released Friday evening.  Bottom line -- my wife gets D12 1/3 of the time, unsupervised, including overnights.  This is an OK outcome.  I think it will ease some of the tension in the family.  The report seems to tacitly knowledge that abuse really did occur.  There were some upsetting things in the report, and in general reading the report, details about the things that happened, and interviews with the kids, was very upsetting to me.  But I am thankful that the overall outcome is reasonable.  In general, it feels like the system is working as best it can, which can never be taken for granted.  The silver lining is that I can go see my Mom!  My wife is allowed to have D12 for any time that I am traveling, so that makes traveling so much more feasible, and as a result, I'll get much more time with my Mom before she passes. 

We go to court next week to have the judge sign the evaluator recommendations into an order.  I’m not sure exactly what else will happen, if anything.  We have never actually appeared before the judge before.  There is a chance I may have an opportunity to speak, and wanted to be ready, so I took a few minutes to write something up, which I’ve quoted below.  I can say it all in three minutes, stopping to catch my breath a couple of times.  My goals are to establish personal credibility with the judge, bear witness to my experience, and focus the judge on the importance of my wife’s accountability for the DV as a necessary part of our healing.  I’ll run it by my lawyer, and may not end up speaking at all, so I don’t want to burn folks’ time wordsmithing, but I think it gives a good picture of where things are now, so I wanted to share it here.

Thank you all for your continued support!  This is pretty hard stuff, and I’m grateful that I have all of you behind me.

RC

PERSONAL STATEMENT

I would like to first thank the court for the restraining order.  The order, and the help that it has allowed our family to receive, have been life changing.  We are still far from recovered, but I am grateful for the opportunity that the order has given us to stop the abuse and begin to heal.

While I support its recommendations, the evaluators report does not capture the systematic destruction of my parenting ability that uBPDw carried out through ridicule, sabotage, impersonating our youngest daughter via text from her cell phone, and other manipulative and controlling behaviors.  These behaviors were well documented in dozens and dozens of incidents summarized for the evaluator.

I was not safe in any sphere of my existence -- at home, in my own bed, at work, on my phone, online, with finances, or even in my own thoughts.  In addition to violent assaults, threatening my life, sleep deprivation, stealing my car keys, and other controlling behaviors, uBPDw aggressively threatened all of my relationships -- with my children, my parents and sister, my therapist, my volunteer community, our friends, my coworkers, and my boss.  uBPDw’s behaviors created a continuous experience of oppression for me as she systematically blocked my attempts to get help and closed off avenues for safe exit.  uBPDw maintained control over me in large part by threatening to take the children away, saying things like, “you’ll never sleep under the same roof with them again,”  and “I will get a domestic violence restraining order so you can never coach children's sports again.” 

Because most of uBPDw’s abuse was hidden from the children, I feel particularly vulnerable in my relationships with them.  I am the lone man who pulled the fire alarm, when everyone else was more comfortable with the status quo.  The bleeding has not stopped.  My two older daughters are estranged from me due to uBPDw’s lack of accountability about the domestic violence and the reasons for the restraining order and parenting restrictions.  Her exact words were, “I’ll let them draw their own conclusions.”  They have sided with her.  I do not believe it is a coincidence that uBPDw has been more careful in her interactions with D12, who is protected by the court, than with the older daughters, around whom she has no constraints.

My primary goal, now that everyone is physically safe, is to work for the best interests of the children, and to heal my relationships with them.  I thank the court again for all of the help we have been given.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

my wife gets D12 1/3 of the time, unsupervised, including overnights.  This is an OK outcome.  I think it will ease some of the tension in the family.

RC, this is great news! I really hope that decreased tension is the outcome produced here.

I'm wondering, has there been any reaction from your wife yet regarding the order? Do you expect one?

interviews with the kids, was very upsetting to me.

This has always been a concern of mine, if I ever got to this situation. Obviously, my daughter is much younger than your children, but it seems to be that even older children have a very different frame of reference. I can understand how upsetting this must have been. I'm sorry. Did you feel that the interviews with them produced additional information that will inform the final outcomes? Was there anything in the interviews that will help you in your effort to repair and maintain your relationships with them?

My goals are to establish personal credibility with the judge, bear witness to my experience, and focus the judge on the importance of my wife’s accountability for the DV as a necessary part of our healing.

That sounds like a very reasonable goal. I'd be very interested to hear what your lawyer has to say, but I assume you have this prepared "just in case" you're asked for a statement?


This is all really hard stuff, RC, and I am really impressed with how well you've been able to foster your family thorough such a difficult transition.

[livednlearned]

Radcliff,

I hope you have a lovely visit with your mom   The free time that begins to appear after the custody orders can be such a gift, especially after living with someone who controlled so much of your life. Sometimes when I am out visiting for a long time, or when I stay late without recognizing the time, I will feel the ghost of those old feelings, followed by a pocket of joy that I'm free and clear. It is a lovely thing and I'm so glad you have that in your life again.

I admire how you're able to find some steadiness in all this. I'll be curious to hear if the court gives you an opportunity to say something. I've only ever seen people speak when they represent themselves, or when there is some kind of litigation, but every state/county court seems to have its own way of doing things.

What in the interviews was disturbing? Do you mean distortions of truth, or further discovery on your part about what the kids' witnessed?

Does D12 know she'll be seeing her mom, and if so, how does she feel about it?

LnL

[bananas2]

RC,

I'm so pleased for you that you finally got a result, and one that allows you time to spend with your mother, free from worry about D12's supervision.

Your personal statement to the judge is superb. Hopefully you will get to read it, but even if you don't, I hope it was cathartic writing it.

In the last line of your statement, you mention your primary goal of healing your r/s with the children. Is healing your r/s with your wife also a goal? Is that something you are still considering?
What has been her response to the court's decision?

You are doing such good work, RC. I hope you will allow yourself some time to take a breather, step back, and commend yourself.   

[Radcliff]

Daddybear77, livednlearned, and bananas2, thanks for your replies!  Here are the answers to your great questions... .

I'm wondering, has there been any reaction from your wife yet regarding the order? Do you expect one?

What has been her response to the court's decision?

I have seen no response.  We are only supposed to be communicating about logistics.

Regarding the kids' interviews with the evaluator:

This has always been a concern of mine, if I ever got to this situation. Obviously, my daughter is much younger than your children, but it seems to be that even older children have a very different frame of reference. I can understand how upsetting this must have been. I'm sorry.

The kids' interviews very much reflected the fact that my wife is a charismatic and effective stay-at-home mom and that the abuse was largely invisible to the kids or normalized by them.  They thought she was a more effective parent, and did a better job with discipline and running the house.  D17 said that she had "raised them" which I took pretty hard because I've been very involved throughout their childhood.  The discipline thing I'm particularly upset by because my wife's behaviors made it impossible to establish any parental authority.

Did you feel that the interviews with them produced additional information that will inform the final outcomes?

D12 has a strong relationship with my wife, and wants more time with her.  That came out in the interview, as it should have.
One thing I did appreciate is that D17 backed up that my anger response is to walk away, which likely is helpful to blunt my wife's claims that I'm abusive and scary.

Was there anything in the interviews that will help you in your effort to repair and maintain your relationships with them?

Great question, yes.  Both D17 and D19 inadvertently saw a document and a file that they shouldn't have, due to my lack of security.  The evaluator's report said I need to make an apology to them, which I certainly will.  I knew about those instances, but one thing I didn't know about is that because when, on the day of the restraining order being served, I simply told D17 that her mom was going to be living elsewhere for a while, D17 thought my wife had left the kids, and now knowing that she didn't, D17 thinks that I lied to make her look bad.  The opposite is actually true -- I had no idea what to say, and chose something unfortunately vague rather than put it out there that there was a restraining order against her mother.  I'm glad to understand how upset D17 is about that, and need to figure out an apology for that as well.

My wife is supposed to apologize to me for the abuse, in front of the children.  I was amazed and thankful to see that in the report.  I'm not quite sure how that happens.  I think my wife and I are both far from being ready for that.  To me that is a totally separate issue from her and my relationship -- even if we split, it needs to happen for the kids.

I hope you have a lovely visit with your mom  The free time that begins to appear after the custody orders can be such a gift, especially after living with someone who controlled so much of your life. Sometimes when I am out visiting for a long time, or when I stay late without recognizing the time, I will feel the ghost of those old feelings, followed by a pocket of joy that I'm free and clear. It is a lovely thing and I'm so glad you have that in your life again.

Thanks, LnL, I really need that time with my mom, and I really need more time alone to heal.  I think it will help me be a better parent the other 2/3 of the time.

I admire how you're able to find some steadiness in all this. I'll be curious to hear if the court gives you an opportunity to say something. I've only ever seen people speak when they represent themselves, or when there is some kind of litigation, but every state/county court seems to have its own way of doing things.

Thank you!  I think I probably won't have a chance to speak.  I'm guessing it'll be a couple of minutes of conversation between the lawyers and the judge, but I wanted to be ready.

What in the interviews was disturbing? Do you mean distortions of truth, or further discovery on your part about what the kids' witnessed?

I mentioned a little bit above.  There is nothing in the interviews that is nice about my parenting, only criticism from my children about my ability to run a household, discipline them, that I'm absent-minded, etc. (not a ton of it, I'm just feeling pretty sensitive).  I know that was not the intent of the interviews, but I am not happy about the impression it would make to someone reading the report.

Another thing I'm not happy about is that distortions my wife makes in her interview are now printed and in an evaluators report.  They are presented as raw data from her, but still, it would be very easy for anyone but the most cautious reader to assume that her facts are correct.  For example, she says I started on top in an assault where she actually tackled me from behind and hung on my back for 45 minutes.  On the other hand, she did admit that, "yes, it was probably 45 minutes" that she hung on my back.  I am hoping that a cautious reader will see how internally inconsistent her statements are.  The first time I read the summary of my wife's interviews, I was feeling a tug, like she might be starting to be accountable, and I was feeling guilty for my negative feelings towards her. She talked about trying to understand my perspective, and about the things she's learning in the batterer's class.  But then I took a break and read it later, and saw that things really didn't add up.  I realized how tenuous her grasp on accountability still is, and how distorted her thinking still is.  She was on the best behavior she possibly could muster for this interview, and still comes off (at least to me) sounding like an abuser who doesn't get it. Going through all of that as I read it twice was a bit of an emotional wringer.

Does D12 know she'll be seeing her mom, and if so, how does she feel about it?

She already sees her (supervised) but will see her more.  I don't think she knows.  I want to wait until after it's official.  I'm sure she'll be happy.  I'm glad as well.  I can't control all of my wife's behaviors, and I think the new arrangement will work for everyone.

Your personal statement to the judge is superb... .I hope it was cathartic writing it.

Thank you!  And yes, it was cathartic and helped me get my thoughts clear.

Is healing your r/s with your wife also a goal? Is that something you are still considering?

It is not a goal that I am working right now.  I haven't ruled it out beyond a doubt, but any swing back towards her has been momentary and based on false hope.  At some point after I've had a chance to gather my thoughts a bit, that question is probably worth a post of its own on this thread.

You are doing such good work, RC. I hope you will allow yourself some time to take a breather, step back, and commend yourself.   

Thank you, I'm hoping that some of the pressure will be eased, and that I can have some smooth sailing for a while to heal and focus on my mom.

Thank you all again for your support!

RC

[Confused1017]

Hi Radcliff,
I am SO Happy for you and the outcome!  I’m mostly happy that you will also get some Precious time with your Mother now!   I hope you do get to read the statement you’ve posted- I think it’s well-written, organized and poignant.  
Ps- has your estranged wife had any reaction to the court’s decision so far?  Also, are you hoping to work things out with her, or only with your older children?

You deserve some time for yourself and Your wants and needs!  It must’ve been so emotionally draining living with someone who manipulated and controlled every Aspect of your life!    Best of luck to you, RC, and Enjoy your time with your Mom!  -Confused1017

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry if I'm confusing you with another member's child visitation circumstance here, but was the evaluation expedited and/or brief?

If so, does that mean the report is limited in its analysis? Some reports will report out the "raw data" but offer little in the way of synthesis.

Do you have a more in-depth custody evaluation scheduled?

Another thing I'm not happy about is that distortions my wife makes in her interview are now printed and in an evaluators report.  They are presented as raw data from her, but still, it would be very easy for anyone but the most cautious reader to assume that her facts are correct.

It could be that this step is sort of like a deposition. Maybe your L could help you puzzle this together. If it's reporting out what people said, without an analysis, then possibly it could function kind of like a deposition. Meaning, your wife could be cross-examined about the two different or conflicting statements she has made, among other things in the report.

I'm not familiar with your process, but it sounds like this step is a stop-gap measure to sort of stabilize the family after being in peak crisis. The kids gave enough indication that D12 could spend time unsupervised with mom, and that you are a normal-range parent.

[Radcliff]

LnL,

Thanks for the questions.  It was an emergency screening, limited in analysis, solely for determining the supervision question and visitation schedule, plus counseling recommendations.  A stop-gap measure, as you said, the first official intervention after the restraining order.  I'm frustrated that we didn't get it done a couple of months ago -- since we did a couple of negotiated stipulations right after the restraining order, I think the court gave us a bunch of space assuming the lawyers knew what they were doing.  I think my wife's lawyer really should have proposed the emergency screening much sooner.  The evaluator put 40 hours in, so it was definitely thorough, though narrow in scope.  I think anything my wife said would get more scrutiny before it mattered.  I'm not super concerned, was just feeling upset and anxious.  My lawyer is pretty steady and I trust her instincts, so if she's not concerned, I know I don't need to be.  "normal range parent."  I like that.  I think I'll make and wear a button that says, "normal range parent" 

There will be a more detailed evaluation farther down the line, after my wife is farther along in her programs.

RC

[RolandOfEld]

Hi RC, just wanted to stop in and congratulate you on the outcome. I am still amazed and inspired by your courage on this as well as your documentation of the whole process. And thank you for sharing the statement. It is an excellent example of how we might explain a BPD relationship to someone outside of the situation and in the legal system.

And I am so glad you will have the time you need with your mother.

~ROE

[babyducks]

Hi Radcliff,

That was a big milestone.   and a huge effort to get there and through it.    your journey has been one of the most difficult I have seen here on the boards.   I am impressed by your strength and integrity.

my journey to recovery/healing has been different than I expected.   in the process of defeating my demons day by day, sometimes I am driving the boat, sometimes I am a passenger on the boat, sometimes I am clinging to the gunwales as the boat tosses in heavy seas.   All of that is okay and I have had to work to learn when to consciously relax into the process.    that's actually my phrase for it.   Relax into the process.    I have two mantra's for it:  "I am always in the right place doing the right things at the right time.   I trust the process of life."     You are in the right place, doing the right things at the right time.    I think when we've experienced abuse our ability to trust anything/anyone becomes wobbly.   that includes ourselves, trained professionals, and life.

the second phrase that I keep near me is: "I release, I relax, I let go.  I am supported by life.   I trust the process of life."    It sounds like this screening/evaluation was one step in the process.   It's not the final word.   It's a snap shot of where you are today.   You are still moving forward steadily.   You are making great progress.

'ducks

[Harley Quinn]

Hi RC,

I'm so glad to hear that you are through that stage of the process and can look forward to crossing the next bridge.  As we tick these things off, the list of things to stress ourselves with becomes smaller, and that is always a positive thing.  I know how difficult this time is (I was second guessing myself constantly and felt under a great deal of scrutiny as a parent, which is uncomfortable even for someone who has nothing to fear) and just want to send some love and light your way and to let you know that you're doing an amazing job of getting through this.  I can also relate to your discomfort at the things written in a statement as though they are facts.  My son's father basically lied his booty off and it was all there in black and white as though it was a reality.  Cringe worthy.  Try not to let it get under your skin and remain calm, clear, emotionally mature in your approach and confident in your own truth.  As said so many times, the truth has a way of showing itself.  It did not serve my ex well on the day of the hearing. 

Your statement is excellent and very clear in it's message.  I know the process is probably somewhat different there to the one I went through, but just wanted to let you know that my statement made a positive difference to the outcome of the case, and that the recommendations were overruled in my favour.  So take whatever opportunity your L can arrange to get your words across and focus your mind on the result being what you're expecting based on the evaluator's recommendations, or better.  Rooting for you. 

Love and light x