Hi there supersonic! I like to join
Speck and extend a warm welcome
It must indeed be a relief and comfort to have made sense to a certain degree your own situation at present.
You would find many within this community who share similar experiences to yours. I hope that your stay here would be pleasant and also a "safe" place of comfort and processing. Just to clarify, has your
I'm glad that you've been in therapy and working out issues from your childhood, and understanding yourself better as to how you've got into this tough situation.
the relationship I am ending has damaged me much more deeply than I realised. I actually feel as thoigh I have a disease inside me that is rotting my insides away. I have tried to end it so many times, but he has become the person I fell in love with again and won me back. many times. and i have fallen back into the cycle again.
I'm so sorry that this relationship resulted in so much hurt and heartache. I am not clear about your situation but it seems that being in this relationship has taken quite a toll on your emotional state. Each time you've wanted to leave, he has you sucked in again. And after doing so, he has probably repeated the process and hurt you again and causing you to feel even more damaged than the last. I think at this point perhaps you acknowledge that while the relationship is healthy but yet your heart had struggled with letting him in again.
I think what has changed this tine is his warped perception of me has become more extreme, more controlling and more worrying. he isnt trying to make an effort to make me love him again anymore. he is out to destroy me. contempt has turned into hatred, laughing at my quirks has turned into personal attacks, amd I can see him trying to undermine me to my child (who thankfully is not his so a complete clean break is definitely achievable).
I'm sorry that the emotional abused has gotten more intense and that he no longer makes you feel safe around him. Further to that, he seems to be nit picking at your personality and weaknesses, eroding your sense of worth and self-esteem. For this, my heart goes out to you, supersonic. It is so heartbreaking to be in a situation where, someone you had looked up to for love and protection is trying to denigrate your esteem and your personhood. From this it does seem that the environment is both toxic for you and your child. Have you made plans to ensure the safety and custody of your child?
we share a house which he hasnt contributed any money to for 6 months. because on a whim he took out finance on 2 high end vehicles. he works very little and i pay for everything working 70 hours per week. he spends every penny on his debts and his alcohol. he drinks to excess every night. he is a very angry man and i am scared of him. the irony in all of this is i have a very successful professional career, and I am seen as strong, feisty and independent. if only people knew how weak and beaten i feel.
From this i gather that you're contributing a large majority of your household income, and without much consideration for finances, your partner has made an unwise decision to spend hard earned money on things which you may not need. I hope that has not added an additional psychological burden of having to shoulder the finances of paying off loans and his debt.
As you have clearly pointed out, he is incapable of managing finances. Would it be possible to keep a separate stash of cash without his knowledge? Such savings will probably be instrumental in helping you with the separation process... .But before i go further into that. Are you considering a separation process? I do believe that the other details speak for themselves - Impulse spending, anger issues and alcohol dependency. I'm sorry that you've had to endure with all these for the past 5 years supersonic.
he has stayed in a hotel this week but says he will return tomorrow. and sleep in my bed.
Somehow i sense dread in this phrase, though i maybe wrong about it. Just my hunch.
i dont know how to deal with this other than involve the police which would definitely be fuel to the fire. my next reading is how to go no contact- skim reading has suggested it isnt necessarily silence, which can be seen as manipulation, but needs to be disengagement.
I guess before involving the police, supersonic. What is your decision at this point? Are you planning to make a firm decision to leave? That is something you have to make a personal decision on. I suppose your current circumstances are slightly precarious, your partner is volatile and may have anger outburst when confronted. Once, you've set things in motion, as you've pointed out, your partner may have an outburst and react violently, while hurling emotional abuse. In this aspect, i am concerned for the physical safety of you and your child, especially when he returns drunk and another level devoid of consciousness in addition to his BPD symptoms. Has there been instances of domestic violence? Has he expressed his anger and hurt you previously?
The other long term implication would be that, there is a possibility of you running into debt if you choose to continue with such a situation. I am not familiar with the asset ownership but, it does seem that he had used your cash to purchase big ticket items such as those two high end vehicles. Should there be a separation, you might want to consider engaging a lawyer for the division of co-owned assets and have the assets split in your favor. I suppose you would not want to run into a situation where you are left stranded to support your child without anymore savings in your bank account.
These are my thoughts so far.
Spero.
