Hi Tired_Dad,
How are things going? You've been through a lot, and it sounds like there is more to come.
I read through your other posts and it is heartwarming to learn about the bond you have with your son. That will go a long, long way. You're a great dad
Just not sure as to what needs to happen for the morning or how or if I should explain this to my son.
My son was roughly 12 when his dad had a psychotic episode that led to suspended visitation.
I recommend asking your son if he has any questions about his mom, how he feels, and just listen. "I don't know what's happening with mom. I wish I did. If you have questions, you can ask me. I might not know the answers, but I'm here for you -- you're not alone in this. It's confusing and we gotta stick together. For now, we're going to make sure someone here to pinch hit and keep things functioning for you while I'm at work."
One of the hazards of having a BPD parent or partner is the emotional isolation. If your son expresses how he feels, and you bear witness without judging or telling him to feel otherwise, he will learn to sort this stuff out in the presence of someone he loves and trusts.
I also made it my business to talk to the guidance counselor and family specialist at school. I did this during the divorce, and I did it again when then S10's dad was psychotic. We were lucky that all of the school professionals were excellent. They all had S12's back in a way that surpassed my expectations. Maybe it will be the same at your son's school. My son was encouraged to jet out of class if he needed to decompress, and just hang out in the counselor's office and draw, or read. He did that a bunch.
It could be that because of
your stability, your S10 appears outwardly resilient. My son was like that to an extent, but then things started to break down a bit in middle school, with all the stressors that can go with that. He needed both parents and only really had one
I'm a researcher and can be very logical and strategic and grounded, and that helped me keep things together even when they were hairy. It was good for S12, just like your stability will be good for your S10.
If I can make a suggestion... I remember reading that it isn't our unmet needs that cripple us, it's our unmourned needs. There will surely be some embarrassment, grief, sadness, anger, self-blame, fear about his mom's situation running through S10's heart.
I didn't listen enough, or validate enough until I learned here how important it is.
You might be doing all this already. Just wanted to chime in with a lesson learned that I wish I could go back and shore up a bit. Those elementary/middle school years are developmentally wild. The things I thought my son processed at one age seemed to reappear at different development points, almost like they needed to be reopened and experienced as new tracks laid down in his brain.
Hopefully your son is genetically wired to be resilient. Sometimes, with BPD in the gene pool, that isn't the case.
Hang in there, you're handling things really well. I hope you're taking time to look after yourself and are getting good legal advice.
