Greetings,

So I find myself in what I consider a strange place. I have been really doing some hard reviews of myself, my actions and my feelings and I can honestly say that I gain nearly no emotional or physical benefit from my relationship with my wife. I have come to the conclusion that though she might not be beyond recovery and saving, it is beyond my ability to help her and that she only harms me.

I have confirmed to myself that I do not look to her as a source of joy or companionship, I do not see her as a partner, I do not value her company as all of these are filled with too much instability for me to ever be comfortable.

I am valued by my family and my son, I am valued and enjoy my work, I am valued and enjoy serving my country.

I reject her claims that I am codependent because she feels that I rely on her for my happiness. I am happier when she is gone, when she is sleeping, when she is silent, when she takes her medication properly.

I reject her claims that I need her to find value in myself. I reject the toxicity, the anger, the rage.

I long for the calm, I resent the family courts in my state for an unfair bias towards the mother, I resent that if I divorce her she will receive a paycheck for providing chaos and little else.

I resent that she didn't want to start grad school because she was afraid that people would say she was with me just to pay for it, that she was underemployed in her field and never made enough to contribute to the family or pay on her loans, that she never went for her licensure because she was afraid of the cost, that she has been effectively unemployed for 3 years and that she is mad at me for being employed when she is not.

I am tired of projection, gaslighting, JADE, validating, painting black, tearing down, and just the effort that goes into caring about someone who is so afflicted.

I hate that I often can't find it in myself to care anymore about her wellbeing. That I am not sure if I would be more sad or relieved if she finally left or ended it for herself.

I am sad that my son is hurt by all of this. That I have to teach him self care to defend against his mother. That I cannot shield him from any of this and that I cannot risk her having even 50% custody because of that damage she is capable of.

I am tired of being accused of abuse from an abuser, for being told that I am mean, condescending, not kind, and a$$hole for maintaining boundaries. That if she takes a swing or throws things at me I am supposed to take it, but if I block or redirect her she is appalled that I "hit" her and I have to take it because the police and society feel that it's ok for a woman to do that.

I am tired, I have nothing left for her, I know that divorce is coming and I am preparing for the inevitable extinction burst that follows.

Tired_Dad.  Every single word.  Every one.  Anger, rage, toxicity, underemployment, entitled attitude, all of it.  I'm right there too.  I realize I avoid her at all cost.  I don't even go to the second floor until I know she's asleep.  My wife, like yours, maybe could be saved... .maybe.  But I'm out of gas, burnt out.  There is no love in our marriage and hasnt been for a long time.

Sounds like you are a bit depressed knowing what behaviors are waiting for you.  This same depression/fear has kept me stuck for a long time.

I too am bristled by the fact that in divorce instead of living with the abuse for free, I get to pay her for it (my state is bad for dads too).  This is a really tough thought and I do what I can to push it aside knowing that its not forever.  Also I try to think of the support payment as the cost to be legally able to tell her to pound sand.

Keep rejecting those claims.  You know they aren't true, and the people that are real in your life know it too.

Keep posting, I'm rooting for you,
-Oz

ozmatoz - I can understand how the situation is depressing, but in reflection I really can say that I am not "depressed" about it. I have a strong support structure outside of my marriage that is great for my mental health as well as my own independent activities that I participate in to maintain my own sense of self.

I was raised to be resilient by my parents. And my mother, who may have suffered from depression and maybe a hint of BPD, seemed to put great effort into doing what was right instead of what her impulse was. As I am the youngest child of parents that dealt with the great depression and WWII shortages as children themselves I feel that their work ethic and family, community before self attitude combined with my military service has really shaped me to be resilient myself.


My son is 10. He is very active and very aware of his mother's suffering. I do my best to help him develop coping mechanisms to get him through dealing with her as even if we separate she will be part of his life and he needs to understand that rational thought doesn't always fit into the picture when dealing with her. I'm looking at when he turns 14/freshman year as a hard stop for the madness as he will be able to be much more independent at that time and will make shielding him from her much less of an issue.

Even last night she ended up raging at him over a disagreement stemming from if he had a pack of fruit snack on the way to school or not. He felt that he needed to be insistent and was very angry that he wasn't being believed by her and was defending himself vociferously and getting loud but to me never crossed the line by saying anything disrespectful or mean. Unfortunately she takes any increase in volume to be disrespect, and any disagreement as disrespect so it's always a loosing prospect for him to defend himself. I am working with him to have him understand JADE, but for a 10yo that's not always easy to do.

For my self care I have multiple projects to loose myself in and to also work with my son on. I have a fairly good woodworking shop in my basement to make and repair things and it is very satisfying to do this with my son. We have also rebuilt a 1980 something Tamiya RC Car that was mine when I was a kid and teaching him to solder wires and how the differential works is great. I also read a lot and have multiple remodel and improvement projects going on that keep me busy.

I am also finding it therapeutic right now to clean, organize, and remodel the basement family room. Part of this has been putting a lot of her things into boxes for storage in the garage, and though it is childish and a bit passive aggressive moving her stuff out a little at a time I find it is giving me a form of closure on the relationship. 

Probably my most consistent self care activity is video games. I play nearly every night after my son goes to bed. I put the headphones on, immerse myself in the experience, I have a clan that I belong to and that does skirmishes together using voice chat applications and it pulls me out of the day for a few hours at the very end of my day before I go to bed. There is also something inherently satisfying of blowing up tanks when you're in a crappy mood.

Here, here.  Currently playing Tom Clancey's Ghost Recon: Wildlands, myself. Very therapeutic!

I also do wood-working.  Just finished putting up wainscotting in my dining room.  All custom, one board at a time.  Also very therapeutic.

Hobbies are great!


-Speck

The one thing that I always have is a plan. After 27 years in the Army I have plans, and branch plans, and contingency plans, and parallel plans to all of them.

I constantly am gaming this, and really every situation out strategically, whereas my wife only thinks tactically. I am in for the long game and I don't think that a disordered person or one suffering from BPD is truly capable of a sustained long term plan.

First step to any plan though is good operations security (OPSEC) keep your plan to yourself or a select few. A plan to counter a BPD is completely ineffective once they are aware of it as in my experience it will be used against you that you were even considering that they may not be around forever. Yet on the flip side any plan that you have to support a BPD has the same likelihood of being ineffective as saving for retirement may scare them, planning for a vacation can cause an anxiety overload or just planning to cave a car sent in for repair may put them in a panic over "what will I do without my car?"

To put it simply though my plan is to contain the damage as best as possible, insulate assets in a way that they cannot be easily liquidated, ensure that there are sufficient assets available for her lawyer and my own (if it comes to that), keep all paperwork, titles, records in a safe place where they cannot be easily destroyed or lost.

The most interesting part to me is that the framework that I am operating under has the side benefit of getting my family as a whole in a better financial position so that if a miracle happens and an anointed finger reaches down and removes the BPD from her brain we will be able to retire early.

Unfortunately, though I still hold out a small amount of hope and the door is open to reconciliation and growth as a couple, I do not expect her to stabilize enough for that to happen, nor for me to be sensitive enough to her situation for me to be what she needs. I am afraid that it has gone on too long and that the instability runs too deep to reach a place that I need to be content in the marriage.

Had some mixed results in holding boundaries over the 3 day weekend. Mostly did my best to keep things to a low simmer and not push it as I am just emotionally depleted by her.

Challenges we are currently facing:

1. Had a court date changed for an assault / making threats charge that my BPDw is pressing against one of her former friends as they are filing against her for assault.
2. Her vehicle is in need of serious repairs. Not an issue with paying for them, but it was a chore just to get her to bring her vehicle in and now that it will be out of commission for about a week is freaking out about places that she needs to go and the "how will I get there" panic.
3. She is not on any anti depressants at this time. Only her anxiety medication and her sleeping medication. So on top of all the regular challenges this has been adding to the stress for at least a week or longer.

Unfortunately logic doesn't play a role in her head as the following things are in place and a reasonable person would feel stressed and inconvenienced but not overwhelming doom and despair.

1. Lining up a lawyer, she's collecting documents from the police and court. We have the advantage as I forced her to call the police that evening and to file a report the next day. There is also a temporary protective order against the other individual that was granted. As of now we have the advantage, just annoyed that I need to pay a lawyer for this but not overly concerned.
2. It's a machine... .machines break. The dealership is providing a loaner for her to drive so other than having to pick it up today there was no issue and she can continue on with her plans.
3. Hopefully she will have a good solution from her prescriber. I really wish that I could find a way to speak to her prescriber directly about the impact of these decisions that they make but I don't feel that there is a way to do it appropriately or without risking her therapeutic relationship.

The "positive" to most of this is that she has been isolating herself upstairs in the bedroom and my son and myself have been going on with our daily lives. She has moments of "clarity" when she is yelling that she is off her medication and that this is hard for, however I can say that I have minor empathy and no sympathy for this situation as the on medication, off medication roller-coaster ride is unnecessary.

I have held my ground and refused to be "kicked out" of the bedroom. Once again I have clearly stated to her that if she is angry she is free to sleep wherever she wants, but I am not going to be pushed out of our bed because she is not in a stable place. This has been an agreement of ours since before we were married and I will not budge on it. She will scream and call me a pu$$y for not giving up the bed to which I remind her of our agreement, and remind her that she wants to be treated as an equal in the marriage. She is free to make her own choices for herself and I am not going to choose for her where she sleeps, eats, etc.

Deep slow breaths and keeping moving. 

Been an interesting two days.

Supported her with her court appearance yesterday. Had to repeatedly remind her that the "friend" she had (who makes my spouse look like a kitten) was purposefully doing little things to get at her and amp her up or intimidate her before going before the judge. I do not know anyone who is so willing to self sabotage themselves and try to put the blame on their emotions and actions on everyone else.

On the plus side my son and I spent the day doing some errands and then she isolated herself upstairs... .closing the door now when she does it... .and didn't start any conflicts for the night.

Today she got up early and got in the shower, and went out the door to see her dad and run errands. That was before 9am, it is now 8pm. I have heard nothing from her and have had a peaceful day with my son working on projects and just chilling. I am concerned for her safety, but not enough to reach out to her as I am assuming that is what she wants me to do. I fully expect her to come home and be pissed that I didn't call her, but as I repeatedly remind her... .she is an adult and I am not chasing her anymore.

In her state she could have done any number of stupid or self harming things. I just can't be a part of them anymore.   

Hey TD, Right, she could have, I understand; sometimes it's hard to sit on the sidelines.  It took me a long time to come around to the view that I'm not responsible for the behavior of another adult, even if that adult suffers from BPD.  All you can do is work on yourself and your own behavior, in order to find the right path for yourself.  If you get confused, suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer.

LJ

Well, that certainly is a solid focal point of a therapy session! I hope it bears fruit.

Let us know how it goes.


-Speck

Tired Dad,

Thank you for your post. Your words resonate deeply with my situation.  My wife also shuts herself away in the bedroom daily. Does not participate in family activity. I have a great time keeping busy with my 3 kids (11, 12, & 14). The kids and I are very close. My wife also feels disrespect if there is any hint of volume increase with verbal responses from the kids.

I also feel relief when she is gone to visit family or when the kids and I leave to participate in one of their events. I also, like you, enjoy video gaming. It was something I began doing with my sons. We have a great time with the shared entertainment.

I too, feel like there isn't much more for me to give. She's not willing to do treatment. I'm finding myself thinking the same thoughts you shared. I don't find our relationship fulfilling and I am succumbing to depression/resentment more often. I will go mad trying to please her only knowing it will not be good enough. She has said on more than one occasion how my children treat her with so much disrespect because of the way they see me treat her.

I'm also frustrated by my states tendency to side with the mother. I have been a stay at home dad for nearly two years. I retired from my career and have absolutely loved being home for the kids. She's fully supportive of this as well except she holds the majority of the financial cards so to speak. This worries me about how I will fund a possible separation/divorce.

I have a lot of family support I can use. I would also be interested in hearing more of your plans in detail for detachment from the abuse. I'm sure it would be helpful to a good number of posters.

HD3

When you think it can't get any more surreal... .it does.

Have to admit though, I didn't even get mad at her ... .just really, really perplexed.

So she was isolated upstairs in the spare room and calls for me to come upstairs. I go to see what she wants without really thinking about it. She gives some line about we need to talk and goes on to talk about an ex-fiancée that reached out to her who has an ex wife that he lives with that is dying of cancer and is looking for support ... .I couldn't even be mad, I looked at her and talked her through the trap she was falling into and still she was defending him as the "only male she knows with boundaries." We never got to the point of a fight, I was able to redirect her back when she would bring up an issue and I was able to illustrate the specific choice that she made that led to the issue that she is worrying about.

Told her she needs to find a lawyer for the assault charge against her, she feels she doesn't need one because she didn't do anything. Asked if she should talk to a cop she knows first to see what they say, I agree and then she brings up that she only knows one ... .an ex boyfriend, who is recently divorced, who has already tried to get her to meet up with him, who she kissed within a week of us getting married because "she needed to be sure.' I let her know that would not be the best decision and she just couldn't contemplate it as she kept saying ... ."but they know I am married."

I find that this is all slipping away rapidly, and though this may sound horrible, I hope at some level she decides to run off with one of them so that I can be done with all of this quicker.

My uBPDw ex-affair partner has reached out to her again several times in the last few weeks... .she tried to throw it in my face, but frankly inside my own mind I was jumping for joy... ."good... .let him have you!"... .

I understand completely.

-Oz

I admire your resolve, TD.  You know yourself, which is a big strength under these circumstances.  Keep standing up for yourself and give yourself credit for drawing a line in the sand.

LuckyJim

It's good to hear an update from you, Tired_Dad.

And it's also good to see how well you are setting boundaries and taking care of yourself.


-Speck

Tired_Dad - thanks for your posts on this thread. I'm relating pretty hard right now. This was particularly well said:

> I think of the marriage as one piece in the puzzle that makes up who I am, however, if this piece gets lost on the floor ... .I am not wasting my time searching for it anymore, I am going to do my best to find a way to enjoy the completed puzzle without that piece.

How are you feeling about your son, and the prospect of being separated?

This is the one thing holding me back at the moment, as mine is under two. I figure that staying or going each has a different mix of dis-/advantages. If I stay, I'll continue to take flak and resist it in front of him - regular conflict as mum seems to lack a filter - but I'll be there. If I go, it's too early to say how things will turn out with mum as his personality develops, but I'll have a safe space for him to come to regardless. Cue much guilt, but I'm stuck on the horns of dilemma.