Unsure what to do next

[Inko51]

I met a lady at work and she had an amazing aura (pretty, feminine, vivacious, tall and elegant). We went on a date and had a fantastic time and so commenced dating since April 2017. She was also very passionate and alluring and seemed so caring. She was in effect my dream girl!

By the second date she was talking about how she felt i.e. how ‘I was her soul mate’ and telling me she was in ‘deep love with me’ etc. She wanted to get engaged by the eighth date and had even told her children to this effect. I interpreted her eagerness to the fact that she clearly did love me and it was very flattering to say the least. I did not take the engagement thing too seriously at that point.

She would also text constantly stating lovely compliments. As much as I liked all this it did become tricky at times, especially as she interpreted a lack of speedy text response as waning interest, when in fact it was because I was really busy at work. I did explain this to her.

I gleaned that she had experienced a troubled background - difficult relationship with her parents. She had also separated from her husband and was left as the primary care giver to her two children (her ex-husband lived nearby and had remarried and also had two children to his current wife). She did not introduce her children straight away to me, which I can fully understand. When I did meet them it was evident they had difficulties, particularly her son who had challenging behaviour which manifest itself with him needing to be centre of attention at all times. He was also loud and verbally aggressive. She tended to complain about her children a lot (about their laziness and how her ex-husband was no real help to her). I tried to offer suggestions to improve matters even down to tempering down her communication with her ex-husband as she tended to speak ill of him constantly). But interestingly I noted she would often flit between being a parent and a peer to her children. I think she used to tell her children that it was me who had suggested certain strategies so that she was not blamed. Her children would threaten that they wanted to live with their father and I sensed this tapped into her abandonment fears so she would then over compensate by acting as their personal slave doing literally everything for them, which they exploited to the full. Her children wielded a lot of power and she was often guided by them. This was not helped by the fact that her mother would often undermine her parenting skills, so I could see she was under a lot of pressure. On the one hand she wanted me to be more actively involved with her children, but then on the other hand she seemed to bristle if I tried to get involved. It was almost like she wanted to retain them to herself and could not let go of them.

Despite being in her mid 40's she was very young minded and took great pride in her appearance/makeup and tended to use a lot of teen speak and social media. She seemed almost immature and seemed to interact with her daughter as if they were equals having the same interests, but I just put this down to a cute quirk. I also began to feel very protective about her. One thing I did notice was that she often portrayed that she had been let down by men and she would often martyr as to how busy she was. She also seemed to have a lot of health ailments as did her daughter. She always had a lot of drama going on in her life, but she often viewed herself as the victim and never seemed to be able to make the connection of how her conduct could have influenced particular outcomes. Bridget Jones Diary was her favourite film and she would often cite how she was like her.

She had also called the police on her previous boyfriend as he allegedly did not take the break-up well and she also called the police about her neighbour from what I can gather. One of the issues I also started to notice was her rigidity. She did not forgive easily and would never own up to a mistake. She accused me of not ringing her once so I sent the screenshot to prove otherwise and instead of an apology, she just said, 'well it did not register on my phone' and then started to ask why I had phoned a work colleague three times as this also showed up on the screenshot. She also had very strong views on law and order and always said, ‘best not to make a mistake in the first place’. She also said that when a relationship is over then that is it and could not understand how I contemplated retaining my ex-wife/partner as friends.

Anyway in spite of the above we seemed to get on great when we were together by and large and had great times going wildlife walking at night, hill walks, beachcombing, visiting cafes etc.

The main change happened in Nov 2017. I decided I would draw her dog along with her and her children as a surprise Xmas present. I am a part time professional artist alongside my other day job. I wasn't linked to her on Facebook, but could access her homepage which had a relevant picture as a cover photo so I was able to make a start. A few days later when I tried again I was blocked so I phoned her, but did not want to give the surprise away. She admitted she had blocked me as I had upset her one day apparently, but she said she would now unblock me. Another week passed and I was still blocked so I phoned again, but this time she was in the middle of a health crisis with her daughter. I said, 'well deal with that and no problem'. She responded with, "I'm sick of this and it's over between us!" At first I attributed this to stress which would be understandable if she was worried. I asked her to let me know how her daughter was and she replied, "I will let her father know." And then text me, "We don't want your Xmas presents either".  A couple of days later I spoke to her at work and she was still adamant it was over, so I backed off. She then pursued me.

I left the organisation because I felt us being together was a conflict of interest and she started texting me from the end of Dec 2017 to the end of Jan 2018. Her texts were all over the place and a far cry from the ones she sent during the first 6/7 months. One minute she was asking if she was special and did I miss her? The next she was telling me I had driven and pushed her away and if I hadn’t messed up a walk things would have been different. I even had a text saying she was having period pain and how 'I had not said sorry that her ovaries were hurting.'

If I suggested meeting up she ignored such requests and would not take direct phone calls either. By the end of Jan 2018 I was getting increasingly frustrated as it felt like I was forever having to justify and remedy one complaint after another. I also felt I was putting most of the texting effort in mostly to receive short and cool responses. It felt like her interest level had diminished. On the 01 Feb 2018 after she sent a succession of negative texts, whereby she said the meals I made her when she stayed with me were ‘gross and minging’ I suggested perhaps we need some space. This resulted in her texting me back how, ‘I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me on all social media’. I have not heard from her directly since.

Now this is where I made my mistake I feel (well the one I'm conscious of anyway!).

When we were texting, amongst her litany of complaints she often cited that I spoke about my exgirlfriends too much (even though it was her asking me the questions), how I did not make her feel secure or special and how I did not like her children. In view of this and, because I was blocked on social media, I wrote to her a few times trying to address and alleviate her concerns. I was friendly and tried to incorporate humour and supportiveness within my letters. I did say I was sorry she had formed the perception she had as I did actually love her. With hindsight this was probably the wrong approach, but because she appeared so insecure I thought this might help. Anyway I received no responses so I sent one final brief letter stating that given I had not heard from her I would now cease any further contact and leave her alone and hope it all works out for her wishing her well for the future, but should she ever change her mind then she knows where I am. I also included a drawing of her dog which I had undertaken before Xmas. Two days later I received a phone call from the police saying she had been in touch with them and was now requesting a clean break and their advice was not to get in touch further as this could potentially lead to legal issues. Needless to say I have no further intention of reaching out as I cannot afford to have legal issues given it would ruin my career and reputation. But I didn't plan on reaching out further anyway after sending my final letter. As I was blocked everywhere this seemed the best and only option available to me at the time. Added to this is that after Xmas an email I sent seemed to upset her resulting in her saying, "Never contact me again forever!" When I then explained what the email content actually meant and it was not how she had interpreted it, she then started texting again, so I thought this situation would be very similar. Added to this is that I left my previous employment on a good note, but when I tried to make contact with a person I got on with really well, I have not received any response thus far and we sat next to one another. I very much suspect she may have tarnished my name, especially as I later found out that she would often air her personal life at work and elicit support this way. I no longer feel I could now visit my ex-colleagues. I do remember when I started seeing her a couple of people warned me to be careful, but I did not take heed.

All this said, what I had not taken into account is how much I really miss her, which would now seem bizarre. Given we were together nine months in a meaningful way before things changed this breakup has been like no other. She is on my mind constantly and difficult to shake off. I get the impression she is not bothered at all. But this does not help and I have days of feeling overwhelmed and no doubt she has probably found someone else by now.

I appreciate relationships end, but I particularly struggle with her approach towards me i.e. blocking me on everything and vanishing completely, then calling the police. I have never experienced anything like this approach before. She did this merely because I suggested some temporary space and because I wrote to her, but it makes me feel like some kind of dysfunctional boyfriend when I cannot recollect why such actions are warrented. I have never stalked her social media as I am too busy for starters. When we were together I was not controlling at all. I am a professional person and felt like I treated her really well and listened to her issues and tried to be helpful and act with honesty and integrity. Don't get me wrong I am confident and not normally a pushover. I was not opposed to marriage and she even hinted that she would consider another child with me. So I did see a lovely future together. I have good relations with my ex-wife and a partner I was with for 19 years, including her son who I also retain contact with, so to me when you have shared a close relationship with someone, unless you act dreadfully, I do not see why her approach is needed and breakups can be undertaken with dignity and respect.

I'm guessing writing to her was a big mistake, so not sure if there is anything which could pave the way for any future reconciliation? This is difficult from my perspective given the potential legal consequences of reaching out to her and as much as I really miss her I can’t help feeling if I weakened and did try to text/write to her I suspect she would just notify the police quick smart - she seems to have an interest in the police.

In the meantime I just have to get on with my life I guess and the onus has to be on her.

In essence I feel I weakened my position by writing as she was far more engaged when I acted with indifference during the first six months. It seemed to go wrong when I started to develop reciprocal feelings for her. I would like to recapture her perception of my strength if I'm honest (I need to think why that is important to me), but not sure I can do that now with no visible means of contact.

I'm careful not to label her with BPD. It's only when I fell upon this info looking for answers that she seemed to exhibit a number of signs of this and it did help me to understand a little better.

I take on board I am not perfect and how I acted must have had some impact on the outcome too as it can be easy just to blame someone else, although I don't know what suddenly changed to cause her to split and switch from such positivity to such negativity about me. Given she complained about how I did not make her feel special throughout our relationship that did not seem to affect her interest levels at the time. Nor did she relay this to me when it purportedly happened. Instead she was declaring her deep love. I cannot even recall one row. It all feels bizarre as if I was caught in a surreal hedonistic whirlwind and now I am left with a merely a shattered building and to pick up the broken pieces.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

 

Inko51,

Sounds like you may have gotten a crash course in dysfunction even if it's not "just" BPD.  BPD is like a lot of emotional and mental health issues, where things sit along a spectrum, and people can even move up and down that spectrum based on the stressors and triggers in their lives. 

BPD people can be wonderfully intoxicating when they are at their strongest part of the "push/pull" cycle.  When we meet them, they are pulling like crazy.  Even if we aren't' what they want or need, they pull most people because they feel very poorly about themselves on the inside, and have little internal coping mechanisms, they seek out others to process and produce acceptable feelings for them.  Likewise, if they are not feeling good, if they feel stress, bad about themselves, or otherwise negative, they seek to blame that one someone (anyone) else, often the closest person BPD has accepted into its "bubble."

I am sorry that the relationship has been confusing and hurtful - their emotions =  their facts and they don't want reason or logic to get in the way.  Also, nothing can be their fault without them facing psychological self-annihilation.  You walked into a minefield and did not know it until things started blowing up. 

It's okay.  This is not your fault.  The kinds of communication you can use with Non-BPD people, where you can explain away anger and reasons for fights does not work with BPD.  You have to focus on what they are stating they are feeling, and then determine if it's something you can validate something you need to distance yourself from, or something you can totally ignore.  Trying to justify, argue, explain, or defend (JADE) is only heard as "you are wrong, wrong, wrong - and you suck, too!".  In so many fights, H is obsessed with being "right" and totally blameless.  He spends the majority of a fight telling me how it's my fault we are fighting, if only I was perfect in this way or that we'd not be fighting.  There are skills missing that most non-BPD people start learning as a young child. 

Her calling the police is her feeding into her justification of being a victim.  And it's worked for her in the past.  Complaining about not making her feel special is her simply ushing off poor self-esteem onto you, as she cannot face that those feelings come from within, not without. 

Please make sure you are legally protected and not in any type of danger on that front.  If it feeds her vitcim status, you might be a comforting boogey-man for a while (painted black). 

Also, please keep reading as much as you can about BPD and other issues that accompany it.  My mother has BPD and is also bipolar - fun mix, but some similar things to what you've described.  It will hopefully help you see what you tried to do was have a normal relationship with a person missing skills for having a normal relationship.  Your actions would have made sense to most people not suffering from this emotional/mental illness. 

[Inko51]

Thank you for your response. I will certainly read more and reflect on what you have said being a 'newby' to this situation. The bits I have read actually not only helps me understand better, but also makes me less angry towards her and recognise that her actions are not personal (even if the effect is!), but instead ramifications of her internal issues and struggles. From my perspective it was not understanding what had occurred to the point that I did really internalise that I was somehow a bad prospect and must have really hurt her without realising why. I even ended up apologising for the mistakes she said I had made.

Apart from the sense of loss from a selfish perspective I guess, I also feel immensely sad as I think we could have had a great time together and I felt I had a lot to offer to both her and her children and it is that sense of not just losing what we had, but also the future we could have had too. It is so frustrating that an illness can rob people of future happiness this way. But maybe she will meet someone who is more adept and familiar with the condition and as a result form a better future relationship. In spite of my experience I don't wish her any malice and hope she does find happiness somewhere.

By the same token I was ill prepared for some of the actions which occurred and I also take heed of your advice about legal protection. When I have weakened and deluded myself that by making contact I could possibly help her understand and reassure her, I know in reality that I could just be instigating my own demise as the greater likelihood would be to have the police knocking at my door.

What I had also not counted on is how I have become so obsessive about this. I constantly replay events in my mind over and over again to the point it inhibits my sleep patterns. If I had done this or that etc, etc. To be honest I started to think I was more ill than her as if something inside me had been triggered. I then reminded my self that the relationship was less than a year, but it felt so much longer and intense than that.

I cannot recollect ever feeling like this before even when my 19-year relationship ended. In that instance we both knew it had run its course but we remain great friends and help each other out to this very day.

I still really miss her and don't see that changing anytime soon, but I guess having a greater understanding will now help in the recovery process I hope and it will just take time I guess.

My only other thought is that I am pinning these traits upon her, but as far as I am aware she has not been diagnosed as BPD. I'm guessing what I have described fits with these traits? I also noticed she was very emotional at times and would lose her temper over what appeared to be very small inconsequential things. Her children seemed to be very anxious too and I just attributed this to her marital breakup. Reading back the messages she sent, as well as the bashing of me, there is also lots of references to how she is put upon and has to do everything and nobody appreciates her. Because I let her down (in her mind) she makes it clear that she cannot forgive me and refers to how I crossed a line by pushing her away. She also taunted me quite a bit in text form saying if I hadn't have pushed her away we could have got engaged and how it was a shame I was not more forthcoming.

[Speck]

Welcome, Inko51!



Let me join isilme in welcoming you here to bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. It helps to know that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

In the meantime I just have to get on with my life I guess and the onus has to be on her.

This appears to be the case. I am sorry.

I would like to recapture her perception of my strength if I'm honest (I need to think why that is important to me), but not sure I can do that now with no visible means of contact.

Do you feel humiliated by this experience? I imagine that I would be if I were in your shoes. But! The truth of the matter is there is no shame in being dumped, friend, not even in the manner in which you were. I'm sure the whole thing has been quite bewildering for you to wrap your head around. This is a common reaction in Nons. This site can help you process that confusion.

I'm careful not to label her with BPD. It's only when I fell upon this info looking for answers that she seemed to exhibit a number of signs of this and it did help me to understand a little better.

Most of us are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that is important. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

It is extremely difficult to detach from someone who suffers from BPD as the level of enmeshment involved in such a relationship is more entangled than a relationship between a Non and a Non. I am so sorry you are left feeling like this, however, I'm glad to hear that you have reached out to us, as that will be key to your healing. Believe me when I say this: We understand.

Do you have access to a therapist? If not, one can help you re-frame your emotional landscape into something more manageable, so that you are able to process this stuff safely. In my case, as soon as my wife left me (for the fourth time), I called a therapist. A month later, I joined this site and started participating in the tools, lessons, and discussions. I also make sure to get adequate rest, sleep, and exercise. I'm feeling better every day because I keep doing what works (re-read this paragraph!). You can start to feel better, too, and I sure hope this is the case.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support to be found here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Inko51]

Thank you Speck. It is so helpful to see that other people have experienced similar issues so I am glad I landed here and thanks for your kind words. I appreciate I don't have the monopoly in this situation which is a good thing. For a while I was stumbling around trying to find answers but they were not so forthcoming.

In truth, I am finding it a real struggle as I'm sure are many others. I did seek out counselling, but if I'm honest, I'm not going to say it was unhelpful, but the focus was very much on me and my reaction, which I do get, but it did not provide the level of understanding as to why what happened happened if that makes sense. Nobody referred to BPD and I only found this info by chance.

Having some understanding of the process involved helps in my view and that can only be ascertained from either people who have direct experience of it, or people trained in this specialism. I also worked with an online coach and again, although he is deemed to be very good, he was almost dismissive saying, 'C'mon man, you only dated this person for just under a year, so why the big deal' and the problem was that he felt I had an anxiety attachment and I needed to remember she was not my mum! This may well be true, but it did not really get to the hub of explaining what happened either. To be fair I'm not sure many people would be so cavalier about being suddenly dumped out of the blue and ghosted, but perhaps I'm wrong and this is a trend I have to get used to.

The supporting approach was very much the ambulance at the bottom of the cliffs, but without questioning why people were falling off the cliff in the first place. Focusing solely on my reactions (as important as they are) did not address what had caused me to react the way I have in my view. Don't know about other people but when I can understand something then it helps me collect my thoughts and decide on the best course of action. But I was very much still left in the dark as to what and why such an approach had taken place. The danger was that I then turned it all inwards and when I read one of my letters back I can see that I took full ownership. I would not concur with that view now having thought about it more and heard other peoples' experiences. I am not completely blameless because I possibly was clumsy at times and maybe not as forthcoming as I could have been, but my actions I hope did reflect my good intent.

My only benchmark was my previous relationships and I never felt like this with them in spite of them being of longer duration.

The last direct contact I had with my exgirlfriend was the 23 Dec 2017 and the last text/email I had from her was the 02 Feb 2018. The whole breakup has sapped me and I hate admitting that and it does perhaps appear very self-indulgent I know, but I cannot control how I feel at present. I do fight it and try for distraction, but then waves of pain just takeover and nighttime's are the worst. I know my family and friends get frustrated with me and cannot understand why I am still longing for this person. I am normally a sorted type of guy with lots going on and am an adventurous sort so have a lot to be thankful for, but the reality is, I feel like my inner core has been ripped away and I now exist in some type of hazy fog just blundering through each day. For a while I was like a Pavlov dog and would even dream I had heard the ping of a text message, only to wake and be disappointed.

I miss my exgirlfriend so much and it's not just as simple as finding another replacement, it's the loss of her (or the illusion of her) and all the hopes and dreams I thought we shared (she spoke about what she would be wearing when we married and what we would do together). I was so looking forward to getting married and being part of a whole unit and then it was snatched away suddenly with no warning and no means of recourse by being blocked on every possible contact point. What made it worse was when she dumped me and we still worked together we had to attend the office Xmas meal, which would normally be a time of happiness. For me it was like wading through a swamp, for her she was giggling and dancing around completely oblivious or appeared to be so.

I do have some specific questions which I wonder if people can respond to, or failing that I could put in another thread?

1) When I was dumped and I spoke to her at work she made it clear that it remained over. So I backed off, but then she chased me at the Xmas work party. It would have been the last time we worked together, but she followed me downstairs after I said goodbye to her when she was amongst her immediate colleagues. If she felt so strongly enough to dump me I don't understand why she then pursued me? Is this common BPD behaviour?
2) I also don't understand why she continued to text either? Was it just a venting exercise? Some days she appeared to be really keen and then other days very cold and distant. This was the pattern for just over a month of texting every day until I became exhausted with the emotional roller coaster and suggested some space. Again this did not make sense to me. Normally if a relationship has ended then why would she continue texting this way? Again not experienced this so wondered if there was a unique BPD motive/element to this?
3) Some of her messages may elude to her thought processes, but it almost felt like she was toying with me. For instance she said, "I do understand more than you realise as I have been here before sort of. I know where this leads. I’ve understood all along. I wish you hadn’t ballsed up the next walk we had planned but that’s the way it went." Another read, "It’s a shame you weren’t receptive to me when we met isn’t it? But that was the way it was and we can’t change that. Sleep well!"
4) I understand from Isilme, who helpfully posted previously, that her contacting the police was possibly a means of reinforcing her victim status. Given I made my position clear about my feelings towards her via letter, again what does not stack up to me is that why she would still be angry enough to do this (contact the police). I could understand if I dumped her and showed no interest. All I did was ask for some space because of her succession of negative texts and then make it clear I wanted her to be part of my life and how special she was to me. After sending a few heartfelt letters would this not have satisfied her abandonment anxiety if nothing else and negate her anger?

I suppose my final question would be, is she likely to pop up in the future? I have read conflicting info as some people suggest that this is very likely, whereas others suggest that once you get painted black that's it and the likelihood is you will never hear from them/her again?

I have no choice but to keep moving forward, but I want to learn as much as I possibly can on this subject as I certainly never want to repeat this exercise. It feels like the worst pain ever and that's including losing my mother and close friends to illness.

[Speck]

Hello again, Inko51:

You had some questions:

1) When I was dumped and I spoke to her at work she made it clear that it remained over. So I backed off, but then she chased me at the Xmas work party. It would have been the last time we worked together, but she followed me downstairs after I said goodbye to her when she was amongst her immediate colleagues. If she felt so strongly enough to dump me I don't understand why she then pursued me? Is this common BPD behaviour?

BPD behavior is irrational to Nons, although her actions on this night in question most likely made sense to her.

2) I also don't understand why she continued to text either? Was it just a venting exercise? Some days she appeared to be really keen and then other days very cold and distant. This was the pattern for just over a month of texting every day until I became exhausted with the emotional roller coaster and suggested some space. Again this did not make sense to me. Normally if a relationship has ended then why would she continue texting this way? Again not experienced this so wondered if there was a unique BPD motive/element to this?

My uBPDxw did this also.  She would routinely walk out of our marriage, and then text me two days later to tell me that she was outside looking at the moon, and wished that I was there with her to see it.  I went through an entire summer of this behavior before I finally told her to please stop texting me.

3) Some of her messages may elude to her thought processes, but it almost felt like she was toying with me. For instance she said, "I do understand more than you realise as I have been here before sort of. I know where this leads. I’ve understood all along. I wish you hadn’t ballsed up the next walk we had planned but that’s the way it went." Another read, "It’s a shame you weren’t receptive to me when we met isn’t it? But that was the way it was and we can’t change that. Sleep well!"

I think on some level pwBPD know full well that they leave a path of destruction wherever they go, but are unable to stop doing so due to impulsivity, irrational thinking, and lack of deep introspection.

4) I understand from Isilme, who helpfully posted previously, that her contacting the police was possibly a means of reinforcing her victim status. Given I made my position clear about my feelings towards her via letter, again what does not stack up to me is that why she would still be angry enough to do this (contact the police). I could understand if I dumped her and showed no interest. All I did was ask for some space because of her succession of negative texts and then make it clear I wanted her to be part of my life and how special she was to me. After sending a few heartfelt letters would this not have satisfied her abandonment anxiety if nothing else and negate her anger?

When pwBPD are dysregulated, you can tell them that you love them from sun up til sundown and never make it stick.

I suppose my final question would be, is she likely to pop up in the future? I have read conflicting info as some people suggest that this is very likely, whereas others suggest that once you get painted black that's it and the likelihood is you will never hear from them/her again?

There's no way for anyone to know this. It's just as likely as not. I am sorry.  What would you do if she did try to reconnect with you?


Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning.


-Speck

[Inko51]

Thanks Speck for the enlightment.

1) Too right it makes no sense.
2) I like you did exactly that, but when I suggested space because I was fed-up with the emotional roller coaster this resulted in her stating, "I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me." I so wished I had just left it like that rather than write to her. I feel a bit lame doing that now and ironically one reason I did it was because I did not want my ego to get in the way and if I had genuinely upset her it made sense to at least try and soothe this for her as well as a means of rekindling things between us. Little did I think she would contact the police.
3) Yes, I guess that would make sense. I then saw the rigid thinking that people speak of in that once she perceived I had made a mistake in her perception then it could not be undone.
4) Yes I can see what you are saying makes sense now.
5) If she was to make contact Speck I've thought long and hard about this. Up to probably a few days ago if I'm truly honest I would have been tempted to return on the proviso she contacts the police and undoes what she did. But now I would not return because the situation is just too toxic. I struggled with the children if I am honest because they had challenging behaviour themselves. But because I loved her deeply I was willing to at least try. If she had been receptive to me around some of the issues with her children and not had issues herself then I think I could have made a real go of it and I would have supported the whole unit, but unfortunately to try and manage her with her issues, along with her two children on top of this with their issues notwithstanding the added complication of their father and her in constant conflict, it is just too much to take on based on overall risk/reward. In other words too much hard work for little return. I am prepared to compromise, but this would be a compromise too far sadly. I would be worried that I could be accused of all sorts. Unfortunately her children have inherited her attention seeking behaviour and I would not be able to maintain my profession as there were no boundaries and the whole place was chaotic. I was not exposed to her children until way down the line when I had bonded with her. Following her logic we would have gotten engaged when I had only seen them once!

[Speck]

Hello again, Inko51:

Thank you for continuing to share with us. I have a few comments I'd like to make below:

5) If she was to make contact Speck I've thought long and hard about this. Up to probably a few days ago if I'm truly honest I would have been tempted to return on the proviso she contacts the police and undoes what she did.

But now I would not return because the situation is just too toxic. I struggled with the children if I am honest because they had challenging behaviour themselves. But because I loved her deeply I was willing to at least try. If she had been receptive to me around some of the issues with her children and not had issues herself then I think I could have made a real go of it and I would have supported the whole unit, but unfortunately to try and manage her with her issues, along with her two children on top of this with their issues notwithstanding the added complication of their father and her in constant conflict, it is just too much to take on based on overall risk/reward. In other words too much hard work for little return. I am prepared to compromise, but this would be a compromise too far sadly. I would be worried that I could be accused of all sorts. Unfortunately her children have inherited her attention seeking behaviour and I would not be able to maintain my profession as there were no boundaries and the whole place was chaotic. I was not exposed to her children until way down the line when I had bonded with her. Following her logic we would have gotten engaged when I had only seen them once!

I hear you, brother. When you are feeling low just re-read what you've just said above.

Dealing with the aftermath of a failed relationship with a pwBPD can be excruciating, hence this website. You are extremely articulate and seem to be on the path to healing. When you stumble, come here, get a dose of support, read an article, support a fellow traveler... .

Have a penny, give a penny;
Need a penny, take a penny.

Step by step, we heal... .


-Speck

[Inko51]

Thanks Speck,

I appreciate your thoughts. For new people to these behaviours it's so vital we garner information from veterans so to speak who have experienced such things. I am going to start another thread based on what not to do based on my experiences as I hope it may help others and I find people here offer useful comments that I had not even considered. It gives hope in humanity after such experiences.

Best wishes to you!

[Speck]

Hello, Inko51:

Thank you for what you have shared here:

I appreciate your thoughts. For new people to these behaviours it's so vital we garner information from veterans so to speak who have experienced such things. I am going to start another thread based on what not to do based on my experiences as I hope it may help others and I find people here offer useful comments that I had not even considered. It gives hope in humanity after such experiences.

Beautiful idea! Keep in mind that there are legions of non-members who read this forum, too, who you may also help by sharing your story. Maybe by doing so, you convert, say, five non-members into actual members who get in here, learn the tools, receive personal support, and change their lives for the better.  

Step by step, we can all heal.


-Speck

[CryWolf]

'C'mon man, you only dated this person for just under a year, so why the big deal' and the problem was that he felt I had an anxiety attachment and I needed to remember she was not my mum! This may well be true, but it did not really get to the hub of explaining what happened either. To be fair I'm not sure many people would be so cavalier about being suddenly dumped out of the blue and ghosted, but perhaps I'm wrong and this is a trend I have to get used to.

The last direct contact I had with my exgirlfriend was the 23 Dec 2017 and the last text/email I had from her was the 02 Feb 2018. The whole breakup has sapped me and I hate admitting that and it does perhaps appear very self-indulgent I know, but I cannot control how I feel at present. I do fight it and try for distraction, but then waves of pain just takeover and nighttime's are the worst. I know my family and friends get frustrated with me and cannot understand why I am still longing for this person. I am normally a sorted type of guy with lots going on and am an adventurous sort so have a lot to be thankful for, but the reality is, I feel like my inner core has been ripped away and I now exist in some type of hazy fog just blundering through each day. For a while I was like a Pavlov dog and would even dream I had heard the ping of a text message, only to wake and be disappointed.

I miss my exgirlfriend so much and it's not just as simple as finding another replacement, it's the loss of her (or the illusion of her) and all the hopes and dreams I thought we shared (she spoke about what she would be wearing when we married and what we would do together). I was so looking forward to getting married and being part of a whole unit and then it was snatched away suddenly with no warning and no means of recourse by being blocked on every possible contact point. What made it worse was when she dumped me and we still worked together we had to attend the office Xmas meal, which would normally be a time of happiness. For me it was like wading through a swamp, for her she was giggling and dancing around completely oblivious or appeared to be so.



I suppose my final question would be, is she likely to pop up in the future? I have read conflicting info as some people suggest that this is very likely, whereas others suggest that once you get painted black that's it and the likelihood is you will never hear from them/her again?

I have no choice but to keep moving forward, but I want to learn as much as I possibly can on this subject as I certainly never want to repeat this exercise. It feels like the worst pain ever and that's including losing my mother and close friends to illness.

Hey Bud, I've been meaning to give a reply to this thread for a while now but have been trying my best to keep my mind off the ex and anything related with BPD/relationships.

Ive talked to a dating coach as well! Probably spent about 1,000$ looking for answers.  And of course the typical "no contact" rule stuff. Valuing yourself first, being a priority. All of which have helped, but it was primarily just finding out I have an anxious attatchment style and how "i dont want to be with someone who has BPD" Even was told "they are not my mom" just like you did . Ive learned more on this site and Im humble about the information here.

Me and my ex broke up around the same time as you did. Very similar time frame. I still feel lost, broken, hopeless. Somedays i feel better. When people reply to my posts or give me positive feedback on my posts here, I feel so positive and clear minded. I get confident. Sometimes when I dwell in my head, and build scenarios, i fall back down the rabbit hole. And wonder. and question things. I still check my phone, I check my phone for every ring hoping its from them. This takes time, and its normal. I leave my phone on silent now, to help against this.

Its normal to miss that person. I was ghosted too after some arguing. It sucks. We feel stranded and deserted like a kid in the store. Parents tell us "to stay put and dont move if u get lost" and so we wait. And thats how it feels now. You dont know what to do. Whats going on. Should you move or stay? Its hard.

i can relate to your xmas party. My ex and I are in the same club at school. we had a presentation, and at first she was a bit touchy, then letting me feel her arm and caress her. Then tried making me jealous with a random person, he ended up being gay. She looked dumb. Then she tried it with my friend which she didnt know was my friend. It got to me, and she knew it. And this threw me off for so long, on why someone would do this when it was them who wanted the break up and no contact. why even waste your time? My friend even told me she never acted like that before and he was shocked. So yea I was right. Perhaps your ex was putting on a front being happy and joyful. And of course, its normal for exes to want to put on a facade and act happy. No one wants to show they are doing worse after the breakup.

i think your ex might pop up. its not certain, but i believe she may if you continue to just focus on yourself in the time being. A lot of people on here say a lot of things, i wouldnt take everything into heart. You hear things from "all BPD cheat, they are all evil and they are all the same". I personally dont believe people with BPD are all the same. They may exhibit the same fears, and roadblocks but to say they all cheat/evil no. My ex was so caring. She loved giving back to the homeless, that I had to tell her to be careful and not get in trouble. She would even cry at times when we see homeless people during winter and theyd be cold. So no, not all BPD are evil or can all be generalized in the same category.

I think you shouldnt blame yourself too much on reaching out. its normal, to beg and plead after a breakup. You have feelings too, and Ive done it. Its normal, so please dont be too hard on yourself. If your ex did have strong feelings for you then the probability of them reaching out is high. They push away the people they feel closest too.

Hope I could shed some light for you, friend

[Inko51]

Thanks Crywolf, hearing your parallels in some ways really helps, although I gain no pleasure in seeing others such as yourself go through this too. All what you have said resonates with me. I am trying to be stoic now as you are and basically carry on with my life as best I can.

Although I am lucky and live in lovely surrounds, it now feels jaded as her spirit is all around me and instead of enjoying things together, I now have to adjust to doing it alone. I could not contemplate dating anyone else at the current time, irrespective of whether she is or not. My family often say, 'she does not care about you otherwise she wouldn't have blocked you and made no contact with you as well as inform the police'. 'What does this say about her value for you'? They do have a point I guess. I have stopped talking to them on this matter as they no longer want to hear it. But the hole just continues and I always feel like something is missing. Whatever I do the elephant in the room is an ever present force. When people talk to me about mundane things I find myself just drifting into thoughts about her. It's the most potent mental torture we inflict upon ourselves. If I go on my previous employment website there she is attending events looking as happy and sparkly as usual. I've stopped looking now. Nor do I feel I could visit the office. I probably wouldn't get past reception as I'm sure I'm painted as the ogre.

Yes the ghosting thing is really painful as was the telephone call from the police. The latter I was fuming about given I included in my letter a drawing of her pet and some useful sites for a health ailment she had. I never once sent anything defamatory and was really friendly. The first letter I delivered on the day of her blocking me when she said I would never hear from her again. I included chocolate and it was a funny jokey letter telling her not to be so cross and fill up on chocolate instead. The second letter was more about explaining why I requested space and after a gap of a couple of weeks the next letter addressed all the complaints she raised and how I felt they could be addressed. Then when I heard nothing I sent the final letter just stating I would respect her decision going forwards, but if she ever changed her mind then she knew where I was (as well as including the drawing and info as aforementioned). We were clearly on a different page.

I know her last ex who she lived with also tried to get back with her and she was having none of it, so I am not so optimistic I will ever hear from her again. The trouble is I think she has discredited me everywhere too so she would no doubt seem foolish if she started communicating with me again. And I cannot reach out due to the risk of potential legal ramifications.

I agree that we cannot clump all people together. My ex too seemed to express a very caring side. If we were out she would be the first to respond to someone in distress. I can remember talking to her and hadn't realised someone close by was in distress, but she noticed and broke me off to intervene. This made me feel really warm and proud towards her. She would even move snails and worms off the path. She even asked if we should adopt a Syrian child! Yet, when she broke up with me, she seemed hard and vindictive. She even said, 'don't put any pix of her pet on my website'.  I had also explained that my mother had died at a previous Xmas so it was often tinged with sadness, but she did not consider this when she said she wanted no contact with me at Xmas when we were at least texting.

What is so frustrating is that life could be so good if it wasn't for this. I warmed to the idea of marriage and having a child with her. All dashed now for no apparent reason, although clearly a reason which has made sense to her. I wasn't aggressive or needy when we were together. I don't even recall one row. It will just remain a mystery I guess.

As you rightly state we just have to keep moving forwards and who knows in time we will get better and better. All what you cite about the snakes and ladders applies to me too so you're not alone. I feel confident and optimistic one minute then I go into a depressing tail spin. As for blaming ourselves, yes, I do that all the time and think, if I only hadn't of said this, or done that, or done this instead etc, etc. But then I do the reversal thing if I'm unsure. For instance, we love our Exe's so if they sent a needy letter, or said something annoying to us would that mean we would love them less or abandon them. Of course not! They know we love them deep down. Mine even said amongst the gripes "And you know I am right because you love me". I hold onto that.

And yes your comments are helpful and do shed light, I only hope my ramblings do so in equal measure for you.

[Inko51]

That's a nice thought Speck. If recounting our stories can help others whilst helping ourselves then that's a great thing.

[Speck]

That's a nice thought Speck. If recounting our stories can help others whilst helping ourselves then that's a great thing.

Ha... .that's the magic of this online forum! Nowhere on earth can this much true understanding habitate. It's certainly not in our local communities and/or family/social circles.


-Speck