Help needed in starting to heal

[StrongButTired]

Hi Everyone

This is my first post here. I need your help and advice. I am in my 50s and for as long as I can remember, my mother has been inconsistent, angry and difficult. She constantly talks of her terrible life.  My brother and sister have similar experiences. We think she may have BPD but it wouldn't be possible to suggest that she talked to the doctor about this so a diagnosis will never happen.

I am constantly anxious as I wait for the next drama. Even when she is being pleasant I am guarded and looking for the trap. I have a wonderful husband and equally wonderful adult children. So for their sake and mine I want to reduce my anxiety and stress. My mother is elderly and in poor health and she is not a bad person although she causes a lot of harm. I don't want to cut her off but after living my life allowing her to be in control, I have no idea how to make things better. Please tell me where to start.

[Mutt]

Hi Strongbuttired,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that it's difficult with your mom. As you probably know we can't diagnose only a professional can do that! What we can look at are traits of BPD. We're very familiar with that guarded feeling another way to describe it is walking on eggshells my ex has BPD traits and whenever I arrived home from work it was like walking on landmines when I stepped through the doors.

I'd suggest to read as much as you can about BPD there's a reason why she acts the way that she does and I'd also suggest to start with the lessons on the right hand side. How did you discover BPD?

[Statenr6]

I feel I can so relate to all of these posts.  My ndb sister exhibits the same behaviors. Growing up she always demanded attention at home and always got it.  It was not easy growing up with her.  Also, it wasn't until recent years I've started reading about personality problems. I always thought she was just selfish and spoiled (she was) but I never heard of personality problems.  It's extremely difficult dealing with this. She can be so mean and cruel to me and it she just can go about her business and be fine with herself! That's very hard for me to wrap my brain around.  The not caring part.  It is my reality.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi StrongButTired, 

Thank you for sharing your first post with us! So glad you've come to be a part of our online family. 

I am also in my 50s. A lot of us here are in the discovery process after growing up as a child with a pwBPD. What you've mentioned about your mom sounds similar to what so many others have experienced as well as myself. My mom was an uBPD. She was inconsistent as well, and always the victim. Have you ever read any books about BPD? One of my favorites is this one:

Surviving a Borderline Parent

There are many books out there to read, and we have a great list of books with their reviews.

That tendency to keep watching over your shoulder for the next drama is soo common as you will read here! I'm getting better at relaxing, but it certainly takes time. Have you every considered T (therapy)?

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hello and welcome StrongButTired!

It is so difficult to have a family member with BPD or BPD traits.  You are not alone as you can tell from the responses and posts here. 

What sort of behaviors does she do that cause the harm you mentioned?  Any specific situations you want to talk about?  Sometimes looking at past situations can give us a place to start learning how to change things, at least for us.  You mentioned wanting to reduce stress for you, your husband and adult children and that is certainly doable. 

I see Wools already made a recommendation to an excellent book.  I found it very helpful and I know others have as well.  We also have a lot of articles we can refer you to so you can begin to change things around.  If you feel comfortable, give us some specific situations so we can tailor any recommendations to your situation.  If you are not comfortable with that, no worries.  We can still listen and work from wherever you are at at this time.

Hope to learn more about your situation.  Take care.

[pbnjsandwich]

Hi Everyone

This is my first post here. I need your help and advice. I am in my 50s and for as long as I can remember, my mother has been inconsistent, angry and difficult. She constantly talks of her terrible life.  My brother and sister have similar experiences. We think she may have BPD but it wouldn't be possible to suggest that she talked to the doctor about this so a diagnosis will never happen.

I am constantly anxious as I wait for the next drama. Even when she is being pleasant I am guarded and looking for the trap. I have a wonderful husband and equally wonderful adult children. So for their sake and mine I want to reduce my anxiety and stress. My mother is elderly and in poor health and she is not a bad person although she causes a lot of harm. I don't want to cut her off but after living my life allowing her to be in control, I have no idea how to make things better. Please tell me where to start.

Welcome aboard! I can certainly relate to your story, as my father (now deceased) was the BPD in our family.  It's not easy, I know. I think it's awesome that you have support from your husband and kids. That is such blessing in this!  I have a wonderful husband and daughter who supported me through those years. I would just tell you to do your homework on how people with BPD process things. Once you see that it's a pattern among people with BPD, your responses will change. Still, it's incredibly important to create space and to work on all your relationships, including the one with yourself.  Everyone has a different story, but self-care, research into BPD and setting your boundaries are important. There are lots of great resources on this website! You sound like an amazing person that has dealt with her fair share of struggles. We're here for you!