Dealing with NC and big events

[Depression = 72% of members]

Wonder if anyone can offer some insight, I have been trying to manage a period of NC with my uBPD mother. Hasn’t been massively successful on her part as my mum has ramped up the abusive, threatening behaviour to the point where we had to ask a lawyer to write a letter clarifying the request for NC. Having now read loads on BPD and beginning to gain a much better understanding of the condition, I can see that this in many ways was to be expected which is a little comfort.

But my main reason for writing today is that I am struggling to deal with the fact that having chosen to go NC I am feeling incredibly guilty about the fact that I still love my mother and there are three major events which usually I would go out of my way to make sure she is not alone for and I am not in a position to be there for her without making myself incredibly ill.

So last week was mother’s day, next week is my mum’s birthday and the following week is Easter. So three major days all in quick succession, I wondered if anyone had any advice on how to stay strong and fight the guilt and upset and anguish at knowing you cannot for your own sanity be in touch but at the same time, not being able to think of anything other than your mother (or significan other) sitting alone in a dark place.

This is the first time I have ever tried no contact and I knew it would be hard to deal with but right now is even harder with all this going on.

Any advise or thoughts would be most welcome!

[peaceseeker500]

Wonder if anyone can offer some insight, I have been trying to manage a period of NC with my uBPD mother. Hasn’t been massively successful on her part as my mum has ramped up the abusive, threatening behaviour to the point where we had to ask a lawyer to write a letter clarifying the request for NC. Having now read loads on BPD and beginning to gain a much better understanding of the condition, I can see that this in many ways was to be expected which is a little comfort.

But my main reason for writing today is that I am struggling to deal with the fact that having chosen to go NC I am feeling incredibly guilty about the fact that I still love my mother and there are three major events which usually I would go out of my way to make sure she is not alone for and I am not in a position to be there for her without making myself incredibly ill.

So last week was mother’s day, next week is my mum’s birthday and the following week is Easter. So three major days all in quick succession, I wondered if anyone had any advice on how to stay strong and fight the guilt and upset and anguish at knowing you cannot for your own sanity be in touch but at the same time, not being able to think of anything other than your mother (or significan other) sitting alone in a dark place.

This is the first time I have ever tried no contact and I knew it would be hard to deal with but right now is even harder with all this going on.

Any advise or thoughts would be most welcome!

[Kwamina]

Hi peaceseeker500

It is sad that being around your mother makes you so ill. Knowing that, I understand why you would need to have firm boundaries in place, as boundaries are primarily about protecting ourselves and preserving our own well-being. The other person does not necessarily react well to the setting and enforcing/defending of boundaries, as you have experienced too with your mother. This is unfortunate, but indeed something to be expected and something we can also prepare for.

But my main reason for writing today is that I am struggling to deal with the fact that having chosen to go NC I am feeling incredibly guilty about the fact that I still love my mother and there are three major events which usually I would go out of my way to make sure she is not alone for and I am not in a position to be there for her without making myself incredibly ill.

Guilt is something many of our members have struggled with. Perhaps it might help you to consider what Pete Walker has written about guilt in relation to adult children who suffered childhood abuse:
"Guilt Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

Do you perhaps feel that there is fear underlying your guilt? If you do, what do you think you are afraid of?

The Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi peaceseeker500, 

I'd like to join our Board Parrot in welcoming you. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. 

Echoing Kwamina's thoughts, it's really normal what you are experiencing, and it takes time for us to process the FOG (feelings of guilt) because we learned from our childhood that this was what we needed to feel in order to manage in our FOO.

Often it helps me to reach out to others who understand, just as you did, and then I often spend some time reading encouragement that I'm in the right place.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

 
Wools

[peaceseeker500]

Thank you for your replies and my apologies for not replying sooner. Had a bit of a meltdown over the last couple of weeks and have pretty much been in hiding.

I think there is probably some deep seated fear, fear of not being loved, fear of not having the relationship I want with my mum, fear of repurcussion for not doing as my mother demands.

I received yet another abusive email from my mother the weekend after her birthday sent to the whole family. In it, she made a comment about my sister in law sending a birthday present and setting out what a dreadful thing that was to do when relationsihos were in such a bad state. I realised that actually no matter what I had done (keeping away or touch) I would have still been in the wrong.

All I asked for early in February was some time away from my relationship with my mother so I could process what was going on and to try to build my own strength to be able to support her. Instead, I have been hounded by emails, voicemails, text messages And even with the intervention from both police and  lawyer it continues with parcels now being delivered to my house for my mother.

I am at my wits end. I don’t see how I can go back into this relationship, I did offer to have a mediated meeting with my mother to try to open some sort of dialogue but she refuses to attend a meeting with someone else there and I am not sure now that there would be any point anyway. So now I am in a position where I feel I am left with no choice but to change  my email and phone numbers to prevent contact.

I am trying to maintain my own boundaries but she keeps demolishing them and even though I give no response, the attacks just keep coming.

i Have gone off my original point about dealing with absence at special occasions but I have gone full circle and am on the angry and upset phase rather than the feeling bad for not being in touch. Just venting now!

[Panda39]

Hi Peaceseeker,

I want to join the others and say welcome   (Parrots, Llamas and Pandas... .Oh my 

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling, know you are not alone many here have experienced similar situations.  Sending some     your way!

I realised that actually no matter what I had done (keeping away or touch) I would have still been in the wrong.

This is only her opinion.  Staying away from a toxic, abusive, controlling person is not wrong.  It makes perfect sense.  In my opinion having a boundary around a person like this is very healthy indeed.

I know it's very complicated when this is your mom... .society sends all kinds of messages about mothers, but not all mothers are ideal... .like Hallmark Cards and Facebook, some have issues like your mom and some are just a mismatch with their kids like my mother and I.  Like anything else there is a range of mothers and a range of parenting by those mothers, there is no cookie cutter mother.

Putting your mom aside for a moment, if anyone else treated you the way your mother does would you have anything to do with them? Would it be good for you to have a friendship with someone that is abusive?

I want you to know that your feelings are just as important as hers, taking care of yourself is not selfish   

Keep giving yourself that distance, I know it's tough particularly because when we set boundaries a pwBPD can get worse before things get better.  She could have what we call an Extinction Burst.

I've often shared my simplified boundaries analogy (hope it helps)... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (Extinction Burst).

What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up. (This doesn't mean that the little kid won't test that boundary again the next time they go to the store)

So my message is just be consistent with your boundary. It's escalated now but if you stick with your boundary she should finally de-escalate.  Once you get some distance away from the chaos and some peace then you can re-evaluate the situation.

More on Extinction Burst... .
The phenomenon of behaviour temporarily getting worse, not better when the reinforcement stops.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  Getting that extra support could be really helpful since you are having this spike in the issues with your mom.

Take Care,
Panda39

[cedarview]

Hi Peaceseeker,

I am in the same boat with my mom who is undiagnosed BPD. Easter is coming this weekend and we haven't spoken in months now. I find myself remembering past Easter dinners with my parents, the little gifts and decorations my mother would make with our kids, the Easter egg hunts. All of these memories wound me when my defenses are down and make me feel miserable and depressed about being no contact. I recall telling my wife early in our marriage that if we didn't go to my parent's home on Christmas, my parents wouldn't have Christmas at all (I am an only child from a small family). So believe me I know where you are coming from. I also very much agree with the idea that when it comes to this point in the no contact "game", it is critical  that you stand your ground and be firm in your disengagement with your mother. You are not punishing her; you are protecting yourself. She needs to understand that if her behavior towards you continues that she will not be involved in your life and that means even at big events like birthdays and Easter when you are usually together. Personally I hope that spending Easter without my family will help my mother to realize that, yes, we really do "mean it" and no, we are not going to crack under the weight of our collective fear obligation and guilt. Remember that she is seeing reality through a damaged lens. YOU get to decide if you will validate that reality she is seeing. It does NOT have to become YOUR reality. Stay strong! I would like to hear updates.

Cview

[icky]

Hi : )

I was given hell when I went NC with my mother many years ago too.
It escalated beyond belief and like you, I had lawyers and the police involved to maintain the boundaries.

I'll tell you one thing that my therapist and I did, which helped: In my email inbox, I set up a folder for her toxic emails and when they arrived, I would put them in the folder straight away, unopened. That stopped me being exposed to the toxic contents.

Because there was lots of threats/ legal stuff going on at the time I went NC, sometimes I found I couldn't handle the pressure of an un-opened/ un-read email, which could possibly contain threats that I needed to "attend" to to ensure my personal safety.

So what I would do is let my therapist read the email (without my reading it). All he would do is answer my question "Are there any threats in this email I need to attend to/ deal with/ take legal action on?" Thankfully, he always said no, if I recall correctly (this is many years ago). After a while, the emails dried up, but when random emails did arrive, I would do the above and just pass them on to my therapist.

Now here's an interesting question: Since I was determined to go NC long-term, why didn't I just find a way of *preventing* her emails to me? Well, my therapist and I agreed that she was someone who would ALWAYS seek a way of getting in touch and it was better to have this method available to her, as it was one that we could control easily and effectively as described above. It's like she needed a "valve" for the abusiveness.

Had we denied her this method of hurling abusive or manipulative stuff my way, I am certain she would have started up looking for other ways. So it was very important to me to leave this "fake" method of contacting me in place.

Wishing you lots of strength for this very difficult phase.

[worn_out]

I'll tell you one thing that my therapist and I did, which helped: In my email inbox, I set up a folder for her toxic emails and when they arrived, I would put them in the folder straight away, unopened. That stopped me being exposed to the toxic contents.

This was such a smart thing to do!

[Fie]

Hello peaceseeker500  


I think the others made some pretty sensible comments already, so I'm not sure I can add something.

But I wanted to chime in just to let you know that I completely agree that when people are toxic, sometimes cutting them off is the only sensible thing to do, even if they are family.

Typing out this last sentence, I am thinking out loud ... .How about seeing it this way : especially if they are family ?

Isn't a mother supposed to be loving and supportive ?

I don’t see how I can go back into this relationship,

Is there a good reason you would ?

[peaceseeker500]

Wow, thank you everyone.
@icky it certainly sounds like you have had a very similar situation. I have been trying the email inbox, but it never occurred to me that I could ask my counsellor to read emails on my behalf.
Interestingly over the last couple of weeks, I have not received any emails or messages directly but a psychologist who met with my mum last week called me at her request to find out what was going on. I then had a call from a really good friend of mine who lives abroad to say that they had received a long email from my mother asking her to contact me.

In it, she says she doesn’t want any contact with me but then asks her to get in touch with me to convince me to get in touch with her. My mother has been given details of my lawyer and has been told that all contact should be through that route with clear instruction on how to resolve the financial issue she is telling my friend I have left her with but she refuses to send the lawyer the information to allow that problem to be fixed.

Thank you for all your support! It means the world!

Even the psychologist told me he thinks everything she is saying and doing is her way of trying to get me to speak to her. So far I have held out, knowing I don’t want to get caught up in it all and no matter how much I still love my mum and know how much pain she is in, I know I cannot be the one to fix it.

We are now at 4 months of continued harassment and abuse with my mum finding new ways to get to me every day, I don’t know where it will stop.

I have been book “surviving a borderline parent” and can’t believe how much of it rings true. I have never wept reading a book in my life but this one cuts so close to my truth it is incredibly painful but also a huge relief to know that this is a recognised illness even if neither my mother or medical professionals want to put a name to it.

[icky]

Oooh, yeah, I had the "contacting everyone she can think of" phase too. VERY annoying.

It's so long ago, I can't really remember the details of what I did about it. Eventually, when I moved house, I got a Post Office Box for mail and explained to people that I wasn't giving out my residential address to anyone because of the situation with my mother. It was all very complicated and annoying, but in the end it did calm the situation down.

What is your therapist's advice re this contacting the friend and getting her therapist to contact you?

My thought would be to write an email that it is NOT appreciated that this kind of contact (friend) occurs, that friends are instructed not to respond, and to re-iterate that all contact is to be via the lawyer (and email if you choose to use that as a "valve".

Personally, I would "call her out" on each inappropriate contact, to show her that it's being observed and that it's not working.

If you approach it right, you should get an "extinction burst" happening.

What do others here think? My suggestion might be wrong... .?

I would also inform everyone in your circle of friends/ acquaintances/ etc whose telephone number/ email address/ contact details she has of what is going on (you can spare them the details) and instruct them not to reply under any circumstances and to please forward the emails etc so they can go to your lawyer.