It's failed, I must detach

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just keep taking more and more space, putting up more and more walls. For a while, we were so close. I never felt closer to anyone. She was my everything, sleeping in my arms every night. I never felt more love for another person.

Then the psychotic episodes and hard drugs and fights that made me push her further away, now whole cities stand between us, my friends and family want me to have nothing to do with her, it's insurmountable. 

Still, I never totally cut her off from her "supply," if that's all I am.

Yesterday, I videocalled her at a time she knew I'd be calling and I caught her totally tweaked out on drugs. I could tell by her texts and social media posts lately she's "off" again, so it was no surprise to see her disheveled, manic, confused. I think she did some crack, she mentioned there is crack in the house, though when I asked her if she took some, she replied, "I don't believe in it" which is not "No."

She's going to get herself kicked out of her halfway house and be homeless, but what can I do? I talked to her roommate a little, who said yeah, she's acting high, and the house manager is keeping an eye on her. I texted her brother a heads-up--I figure the more eyes on her, the better. He had his mom videochat with her, and they agree she's on drugs. No sign of her on social media all last night or today. Such a long time offline usually means she's got herself put away in the psyche ward again.

She and I were about to finalize plans to meet up near her city for my birthday at the end of the month. I'd promised her if she stayed stable and took care of herself, I'd go somewhere close to her. I know how badly she wants to spend time with me, I thought this might motivate her to stay healthy, but no, she's gonna do crack instead of attending meetings, going back to school or getting a job.

So now I guess I change my birthday plans to somewhere more convenient for me. I can find someone else to hang with, or go alone. Yay.

Should I discontinue videochatting too? Her brother tells me she really cares about the bond between us, and I believe that, but nothing I say or do makes a difference in her behavior. I feel like I've offered myself as the prize in a contest she can't win.   

I really hoped I'd find away to love her and join her small support system/cheering section, I know how important I am to her. But it really hurts to watch her make self-destructive choices over and over, even if they don't technically affect my life anymore.   

She's not a violent person or a mean one, she's just dysfunctional.She still has stuff at my house, and she may or may not have my key--that's another crazy story. She thought she mailed me my key, but she only mailed me an empty envelope... .then she accused me of lying that the envelope was empty!

Thinking of sending a message, "Sending you good wishes, but after seeing you in a manic state yesterday, I've decided I need to make alternative birthday plans, so I won't be in *****."  I also want to shut off calls/messaging between us for a while, but you can still reach me via email. Let's talk again around your birthday." (2 months away)

 

[Lady Itone]

I just keep taking more and more space, putting up more and more walls. For a while, we were so close. I never felt closer to anyone. She was my everything, sleeping in my arms every night. I never felt more love for another person.

Then the psychotic episodes and hard drugs and fights that made me push her further away, now whole cities stand between us, my friends and family want me to have nothing to do with her, it's insurmountable. 

Still, I never totally cut her off from her "supply," if that's all I am.

Yesterday, I videocalled her at a time she knew I'd be calling and I caught her totally tweaked out on drugs. I could tell by her texts and social media posts lately she's "off" again, so it was no surprise to see her disheveled, manic, confused. I think she did some crack, she mentioned there is crack in the house, though when I asked her if she took some, she replied, "I don't believe in it" which is not "No."

She's going to get herself kicked out of her halfway house and be homeless, but what can I do? I talked to her roommate a little, who said yeah, she's acting high, and the house manager is keeping an eye on her. I texted her brother a heads-up--I figure the more eyes on her, the better. He had his mom videochat with her, and they agree she's on drugs. No sign of her on social media all last night or today. Such a long time offline usually means she's got herself put away in the psyche ward again.

She and I were about to finalize plans to meet up near her city for my birthday at the end of the month. I'd promised her if she stayed stable and took care of herself, I'd go somewhere close to her. I know how badly she wants to spend time with me, I thought this might motivate her to stay healthy, but no, she's gonna do crack instead of attending meetings, going back to school or getting a job.

So now I guess I change my birthday plans to somewhere more convenient for me. I can find someone else to hang with, or go alone. Yay.

Should I discontinue videochatting too? Her brother tells me she really cares about the bond between us, and I believe that, but nothing I say or do makes a difference in her behavior. I feel like I've offered myself as the prize in a contest she can't win.   

I really hoped I'd find away to love her and join her small support system/cheering section, I know how important I am to her. But it really hurts to watch her make self-destructive choices over and over, even if they don't technically affect my life anymore.   

She's not a violent person or a mean one, she's just dysfunctional.She still has stuff at my house, and she may or may not have my key--that's another crazy story. She thought she mailed me my key, but she only mailed me an empty envelope... .then she accused me of lying that the envelope was empty!

Thinking of sending a message, "Sending you good wishes, but after seeing you in a manic state yesterday, I've decided I need to make alternative birthday plans, so I won't be in *****."  I also want to shut off calls/messaging between us for a while, but you can still reach me via email. Let's talk again around your birthday." (2 months away)

 

[Cromwell]

Hi Lady Itone

what are your intentions about the stuff she has in your house. Would it be an option at this stage to make arrangements for her to collect it, so that this does not becoming an unneccessary clouding issue about fully detaching or at least making that option easier to execute, from the R/S if this is what you are working towards? im thinking about removing this as quite a significant stumble block which can be solved, at least easier, than to focus on her dysfunctional state which is far more complicated. Just wondering if you have any long term objective in mind about detaching from this R/S or if you are just seeing how things go and how she responds in the hope that some better form of reconcilation can take place.

[Lady Itone]

Hi Cromwell,

It's not a lot of stuff but she doesn't have much and I know she'd hate to lose it. She trusted it with me rather than in her group home/halfway house. I was thinking I could move it to a storage unit if she doesn't collect it after a certain time? No way she'll be able to pay rent on a unit long but at least it would be out of my hands. I'd feel awful doing that it will stress her out but it's one option.

[Lady Itone]

Ugh she called me last night a number I didn't recognize so I picked up. She's no longer manic now depressive I feel so bad for her pain. She swears she wasn't doing drugs she doesn't usually lie to me. I don't know.

Her grip on my heart is so deep. I honestly consider leaving my life starting over with her somewhere. I hate that she is where she is with no one who loves her. I

[Mutt]

I thought this might motivate her to stay healthy, but no, she's gonna do crack instead of attending meetings, going back to school or getting a job.

I understand how heartbreaking it is to watch someone that you care about so much go through this you probably feel like you if you had to move a mountain to help them you would. She has her own path that she has to go through if she's going to change it will probably when she's back into a corner, I don't know any other way to put it, it's not about us it's what what the pwBPD is going through.

Should I discontinue videochatting too? Her brother tells me she really cares about the bond between us, and I believe that, but nothing I say or do makes a difference in her behavior

Her brother probably has similar feelings as you he just wants to help her, I think that many of us here can relate about thinking about what the other person needs and completely neglecting what we need, I think that you have the right idea if your goal is to detach self protection by LC is a good idea. I want to share with you what I think about a pwBPD helping themselves, I think that it's natural that family and friends want to help, you were her fixer / helper at one point, most people are not conscious about their actions that it hinders and it doesn't help, if you remove yourself from that network that might mean that she'll back herself into a corner sooner rather than later and she'll get the help that she needs.

[Lady Itone]

Her brother probably has similar feelings as you he just wants to help her, I think that many of us here can relate about thinking about what the other person needs and completely neglecting what we need, I think that you have the right idea if your goal is to detach self protection by LC is a good idea.

Thanks Mutt,

I do want to help her, but don't want to "enable" her, it's hard to tell sometimes which is which. And I miss her, I wish we could be closer. But she seems unable to get herself to a better place mentally and financially, and I'm not about to try to do it for her.

It's so humiliating to be in love with someone mentally ill. The world tells you not to do it, they think something must be wrong with you to want to lay down at night with someone dysfunctional. If I were to do right now what my body and heart tell me to do, and invite her back into my home, I'm guessing we'd end up back in hell soon enough, so I don't.

Working a ton the next couple days and lots of social activity, I'm hoping it clears my mind some.     

 

 

[Mutt]

It's so humiliating to be in love with someone mentally ill. The world tells you not to do it, they think something must be wrong with you to want to lay down at night with someone dysfunctional.

Don't beat yourself up. What is normal these days? A mental illness does not define a person. She meant something to you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your r/s. A pwBPD teaches you to not put with abuse that is what I gained from the experience and from that experience I know how to identify an unhealthy r/s so I don't find myself in a similar situation again.