3 years later and needing help again

[peacepatty]

Hello and thank you for still being here… 3 years ago I started the process of trying to correct issues in my marriage by going to counseling myself, and after my first visit to a counselor, it was brought to my attention that my situation was unsafe. My husband’s rages and moods were not only in tolerable but dangerous. We have three girls and they received a lot of his anger and criticism as well. I was advised to create a safety plan and get him out and into counseling, he did, we found a wonderful clounselor who utilized EMDR to work on his PTSD and other issues from childhood.   All along I suspected that he had (still has ) BPD, But he refused to see a psychiatrist and when I talked to his counselor about it, he said that he was unable to diagnose in that way. All the traits are there, all of the emotional insecurity/vulnerability/abandonment perception, need for perfection from those around him, all of it…
Good news is, through a miracle of God and a LOT of time spent in both single and couples counseling, we made it through eight months of separation ( on the brink of divorce… I had hired a lawyer but never filed the papers) and rejoined one another to become a household again.   it is still like riding a roller coaster, and he had improved quite a bit…the volume level has turned down from 10 to about 4 when I’m being berated,, but it’s happening again with more frequency & he is refusing counseling, I’m going back myself. We had a ridiculous blow up last night based on his misperception and impossible neediness.
My husband is a career musician, a Peter Pan character. He can be a very loving father and occasionally partner. He does not at all speak my love language which is words of affirmation. So I am just back here to reach out to those who know what I’m going through. I remember last time I visited, a lot of wisdom was shared with me, I am very much looking forward to going back to my counselor but it’s going to be a few weeks.   peace be with you and thank you for your time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

Welcome back PeacePatty.

I'm really glad you thought to return here, especially since you won't be seeing your counselor for a few weeks.

It's really unfortunate that this cycle is playing out again. Is he still drinking? Also, what do you think the tipping point was during your argument last night, that made it escalate into a blowup?

Looking forward to hearing back from you,

-ngu

[Speck]

Welcome, peacepatty!



I wanted to take a moment to join NGU in welcoming you back to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

So I am just back here to reach out to those who know what I’m going through. I remember last time I visited, a lot of wisdom was shared with me, I am very much looking forward to going back to my counselor but it’s going to be a few weeks.

I am so sorry you are faced with this. Even so, I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your husband. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Tell us more about yourself and your story. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. Also, this time around, it may be helpful to you (and others) if you were to join other discussions/threads. Active camaraderie can be very healing and may be the little bit of magic that you're looking for. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[peacepatty]

thank you for your responses!  @Ngu, what sparked it last night was my husband was on a short tour with his band last week, Tuesday through Saturday. When he is away I am 24/7 single parenting our three kids, all various school ages, getting them to and from their things all while working full-time. It is very busy, and when he arrived home on Saturday night, I was not awake to greet him, I had fallen asleep as he did not get in until well after midnight. It wasn’t indicated to me that this was a problem until last night when he blew up about me not giving him enough emotional investment, and intimacy. I get that, we are both very busy people and we connect when we can, I didn’t see anything wrong with it, and he didn’t act like anything was wrong until last night when he told me he was extremely lonely and emotionally depressed because he does not feel that I make myself available to him enough.  Strangely enough, I had come to bed last night and was wanting to share intimacy and connect with him and was shunned.

[peacepatty]

Not sure why, had written a much longer response and it didn’t all post.  When my husband plays shows in front of an audience, there is an immediate ego boost. Applause, a pat on the back, the glad hand of the shady music business.  It is instant gratification of the ego’s emotional  need.  when he returns home, it’s ho-hum, boring, take the kids to school, go grocery shopping kind of stuff. It isn’t passionate, dangerous life on the road.  He feels unfulfilled by me.  I could never compete with that…
It is so incredibly challenging to live with someone who has this disorder. It is confusing to the children, why does daddy get so angry?  why is he yelling at you, mommy?   for a while it had been pretty good with some rough spots up and down… But more and more I see the bad side coming out again. One truly unfortunate thing is that his counselor who was so remarkable and gifted in helping my husband has retired. That man was also our couples counselor. But thankfully, with BPD there is the ebb and flow. He has had this outburst, so I can expect the recoil and resolve for a bit. He doesn’t do the quiet treatment, retreat into a cave bit. He blows up and then feels good about himself for a while and then it’s somewhat normal for a while.  Being back here and reading again the info and experiences of others reminds me that there are ways of managing the situation, and hope for betterment.  however It is just so sad to be reminded that it is a constant management. I feel like I can never just let my guard down, be myself and have a husband who just gets me and appreciates me.  There is always a filter of criticism and judgement over his eyes.