When they bring up the distant past in order to start new fights.

[BasementDweller]

Hello, everyone.

I've been having great success with validation, SET, avoiding JADE, etc... .in "normal" day to day dysregulations like complaints about minor issues around the house getting blown out of proportion, immature behavior, etc... .that's almost a cake walk now. HOWEVER - the one thing that can really, REALLY throw a monkey wrench in to the mix is when my dBPDbf has no real ammo to stir the pot with, and things are going really good for a spell, so he brings up a random trivial event from the distant past to actually "pick a fight".

An example: After a long heart to heart talk about 2 weeks ago that went well, we decided that we would both make an effort to listen better to one another, accept each others' different viewpoints with tolerance, and communicate our needs in a kinder and more understanding way. And it worked! For almost two weeks (hey, it's a start!) things were fantastic. (Since the last blowout, when things were good for 3 months.)

We actually looked and felt like a "normal couple". Lots of affection and intimacy, no bickering, unsolicited gestures of kindness from him, just - really great. Just like I remembered from my healthy past relationships.

Then, we went to our T appointment, and I was about to happily report that things were going good since shortly after the last visit. I thought it would be a progressive session. Somewhere during the conversation, my dBPDbf began to get agitated and started declaring to the therapist that we were "just too different, this could never work, he was miserable, I'd be better off without him... ." I was extremely shocked to hear this, and the utter disbelief on the T's face was completely obvious.

He asked my partner, "What's going on? What is bothering you, or making you feel as if you are too different to make this work?"

His reply?

"When we first met each other about 2.5 years ago, I started talking to a family at the train station about their ski trip. She pointed out that she usually doesn't see too many people in this community chatting with strangers!" (Culturally, and socially, this is true.)

The T nodded, and said, "What bothered you about that?"

dBPDbf: I enjoy chatting with people, but she just HAD to point out what an embarrassing, annoying loudmouth I am! I can't live like this!" (I never said anything of the sort. My sentence was literally what I typed above.)

WHAT?   Seriously. What IS that?

And now it's day three of dyregulation, silent treatment, cold shoulder, and doomsday talk of how we're going to fail because we're so incompatible. Which, we actually aren't. If we have 20 things in common, and one minute thing we don't see eye to eye on, the ONE thing will be all he sees when he's in a mood.

What on earth is an appropriate response to such unpredictable behavior? Even our T was baffled, and found the outburst very strange. He did say that his fears of abandonment are very obvious, but he conceals them with false bravado. That much I knew... .but what on earth is with dredging up a 30 second interaction from when we first met that was irrelevant then, and is TOTALLY irrelevant now? (Except for the fact that he has apparently been ruminating over it, and jumped to all sorts of conclusions - I had no idea this was happening.) I can see that he is needing some sort of validation, or feeling insecure, but I have no idea where to begin here.

It seems that maybe when things get too good, and he starts to feel "safe", he needs to upset the balance again for whatever reason, but how on earth does one respond to a tantrum saying the relationship is doomed over such a trivial event in the distant past? I suppose there would be no good from JADE-ing - but I don't even want to get roped into a dialog about something like this. It truly was/is a non-issue. I wouldn't even know what to say. I never thought about that event again after the 30 second interval in which it happened 2.5 years ago.   

Anyone who has experienced this and developed tools to dissuade it, please chime in! I'm having a very tough time, and essentially missing out on what could be valuable time with my partner, because he is holding a grudge over something that I don't even understand. This is quite depressing and confusing.

Thank you! 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[StormySkies]

I went thru this earlier in my relationship,   after awhile -  I would just say, "Umm, yeah I'm pretty sure the statue of limitations ran out on that long ago."    Sometimes, the events would be so long ago or so trivial that I had a hard time figuring out what the heck he is talking about... .

[NGU]

Anyone who has experienced this and developed tools to dissuade it, please chime in!

I have indeed experienced this.

You get the tools together, see progress and the out-of-the-blue hammering is a magnified shock to the system.

he needs to upset the balance again for whatever reason

The way you worded this sounds like he said it maliciously. I'm not blaming you, or saying this is anything but the words you used, but there's a reason to bring this up first. That mindset creeps in continually while you're trying to pick your jaw up off the floor, and it's hard to push back. It might be important, while at the same time you're recovering from the verbal blow, to realize that their thinking can be drastically skewed. To a point where there's no true reality left.

Maybe they're grasping at straws to verbalize their fears. They just want to be heard. And the tornado in their brain has picked up anything in its path to throw at you. In this case, it's some random, distorted event from 100+ weeks ago.

It doesn't make sense. But if you look at it as a symptom of BPD, it's not surprising at all.

Unfortunately, clobbering you with this leaves you with choices to make that are more difficult than normal. Do you try to talk this out, or let it go? When do you bring it up? How do you possibly word it so you don't trigger him further?

Personally, I let it slide and just silently/mentally twitch for however long it takes. Because no matter what mood she's in, if I try breaching this conversation, she will translate it as "You're wrong about the event 2 1/2 years ago, and you were wrong to bring it up, and you hurt me and it's your fault and I don't like you."

Even if she says something like "There's no chance we're going to work out as a couple. We're doomed." Deep down, I know that's not true, and when she returns to a place of clarity, she knows it too. I have to have faith in the patterns.

But assume this is for my specific relationship only. You will probably need to look back at the patterns you've noticed in your own relationship to see how these types of scenarios have played out in the past. In therapy and at home. For example, you might be able to breach this in front of your couple's therapist.

If you do decide to bring this up, please try to figure out why you're doing it. Is it simply to make yourself feel better? That's an important part of this puzzle.

-ngu 

[Enabler]

Emotional memory has no time continuum. Therefore when triggered, the pain of an experience 10 years ago can be as real today as it was 10 years ago... .sometimes giving the individual the sense that it did occur yesterday. This can be seen easily in war veterans and those who have experienced traumatic events where their fear when triggered is as physically palpable despite the actual experience being years before.

To your BF those experiences (probably emotionally painful for him) are still as relevant today as they were the day after they occurred.

Time can get squashed, time is not the great healer we think it is.

[BasementDweller]

Thank you for the thoughtful and insightful responses, everyone. I appreciate the answers.

StormySkies - That has been my dilemma as well. Initially, I did not even remember these events, they were so brief and seemingly meaningless.

"The way you worded this sounds like he said it maliciously."

NGU - I can understand how it may sound that way, but I do not actually think it was malicious. I do however, suspect that when things are really going well between us, and he is reaching a point where he begins to feel "safe" that his abandonment fears kick in harder than ever. It triggers a fear of the loss of what is feeling so good right then. This may cause a subconscious protest/test response. I do understand that this is disordered thinking, and I need to be compassionate and try to understand the pain he is feeling, and learn better how to address it. Hence starting this thread. I agree 100% that there are valid reasons why my partner expresses fear, doubt, and mistrust, and even neutral statements on my part, like, "It's unsual for strangers chat with each other here" can be construed as, "You are a bizarre weirdo for talking to those people!" My dilemma here is that I don't know how to reassure him without exacerbating the situation. That's what I need help with.


"If you do decide to bring this up, please try to figure out why you're doing it. Is it simply to make yourself feel better? That's an important part of this puzzle. "

I think it needs to be brought up because it is doing terrible damage - to both of us, this relationship, and mostly to him to harbor these beliefs that I think terrible things about him and see him as a weird, embarrassing misfit, or a bad person. Me remaining silent while he harbors these irrational fears is eating away at him like a cancer and causing sudden, catastrophic dysregulations that are extremely traumatic for everyone. He has believed that incorrect perception for two years now. I never even knew he felt that way. How could I even make that leap of emotional fancy, having a logic minded brain, and knowing the facts - that I truly did not harbor any ill will toward him?

When I got home from work last night, he had written me a long letter essentially telling me that he was going to disappear and go off and live alone in the streets where I would never find him, and that he was a terrible f*ck up, and that I'd be better off without him, and so on and so forth. I actually completely did not respond to the contents of the letter, but instead managed after a delicate dance to convince him to describe to me what bothered him about the event at the train station. He repeated his version of events again, and I validated how he felt, then told him that I remember pointing out that it was unusual to talk to strangers in these parts, but in my home country, that was normal. I told him that perhaps my observation that day was a reflection of the fact that I have become less inclined to chat with strangers because I am a foreigner here, and worry that I might come off as a bit odd if I were to do that. I asked him if he could accept or consider that this was what I meant, and I was not criticizing him. He actually did admit that yes, maybe that was it, and he had read the situation wrong. Sadly, he lived with that negative belief for two years, and it was so far from the truth.

He then went on to repeat his perception of a conversation that we had - on our first date! - where we discussed dog breeds. He has pet allergies, and I mentioned that pets were great, but sometimes they didn't work out for everyone. He told me last night that he "knows I think he is a mean person who hates animals, and I resent him because I cannot have a pet - because he is allergic, and that if he dies, I'd be happier and could have pets". For almost two and a half years now, he has believed this, and only told me so last night. As you can imagine these two revelations are only the tip of the iceberg. How many other neutral or innocuous statements have I made, that he seemed to accept at the time, that are actually eating him up inside, because he took them as insults? There's no way of knowing, but sadly this is not sustainable. Therefore, I'd consider bringing it up, because I do not wish to make him feel bad without meaning to or being aware of it. I don't wish to make him feel bad at all! Unfortunately, he lacks the coping skills to ask in a constructive way what I mean, and to clarify with me. He just gets swept away in the fears and emotions, and often believes the worst.

"Emotional memory has no time continuum. Therefore when triggered, the pain of an experience 10 years ago can be as real today as it was 10 years ago... .sometimes giving the individual the sense that it did occur yesterday. This can be seen easily in war veterans and those who have experienced traumatic events where their fear when triggered is as physically palpable despite the actual experience being years before.

To your BF those experiences (probably emotionally painful for him) are still as relevant today as they were the day after they occurred.

Time can get squashed, time is not the great healer we think it is."



Enabler, I am just now learning how true this is, and trying to figure out how to best handle it. Theoretically, I could have understood this concept prior to meeting him, but I would have never known what it looked like in practice. I never did recognize, despite knowing his history and diagnosis, that he harbored such deep feelings of negativity and mistrust, that he genuinely believed that neutral and commonplace conversations about everyday things, convinced him that I thought he was bad, mean, weird, unacceptable, and what have you. I would have never caught on to that, and a "non" in his place would have just said "I hope you don't think I'm mean/cruel/weird" by saying that, allowing me to say, "Oh, no, of course not"- and explain. And that would be the end of it. It would not fester quietly to become cannon fodder years later.

It's starting to become clear how and why a pwBPD jumps to these tragic conclusions... .I wonder if there is a way to either prevent or solve it, though. I don't want him to feel bad, and I do want us to be able to have conversations and share ideas without it feeling like I'm throwing barbs at him, just for having my own perceptions and observations. I guess therein lies the dilemma. Some of the BPD stuff is easy enough to navigate. But this concept - I'm stumped.

[Enabler]

I never did recognize, despite knowing his history and diagnosis, that he harbored such deep feelings of negativity and mistrust, that he genuinely believed that neutral and commonplace conversations about everyday things, convinced him that I thought he was bad, mean, weird, unacceptable, and what have you.

Linked to this is the concept of doing a bad thing vs being bad in entirety. Have you ever noticed how a child can't separate the concept of doing a naughty thing vs being a naughty person? There's an inability to comprehend the 2 conflicting states of doing something naughty as a thing, and NOT being a holistically naughty person. This results in everyday common criticism being interpolated by pwBPD sensitivities as them being lazy, useless, wrong, broken, crazy. This is regularly sighted as being a hangover from the childhood wound and core shame... .I AM BAD, I AM WRONG, I AM BROKEN, I AM DIRTY.

[BasementDweller]

Linked to this is the concept of doing a bad thing vs being bad in entirety. Have you ever noticed how a child can't separate the concept of doing a naughty thing vs being a naughty person? There's an inability to comprehend the 2 conflicting states of doing something naughty as a thing, and NOT being a holistically naughty person. This results in everyday common criticism being interpolated by pwBPD sensitivities as them being lazy, useless, wrong, broken, crazy. This is regularly sighted as being a hangover from the childhood wound and core shame... .I AM BAD, I AM WRONG, I AM BROKEN, I AM DIRTY.

Yup. Bingo. And considering that his mother was a terribly abusive person who hit him and screamed at him (and his sister) then told them she loved them and that they were her beautiful children, then again screamed at them, hit them some more, and locked them in their rooms (separately) and told them they could come out when they stopped being such bad kids, he's got some pretty deep core wounds. His father witnessed it all, but said nothing. Just sat in the corner drinking and smoking. Years later, when my partner was an adult and asked his father why he never intervened, his father replied "I just let her "outbursts" go in one ear and out the other." "Outbursts" = Beating their two small children. Meh... .just ignore it, right? :-(

I really have my work cut out for me. My grown middle aged partner, father to two kids himself, is still, in so many ways, a cowering four year old boy, locked in his room, feeling hurt, shamed, and worthless. Any attempts on my part to soothe him are met with mistrust and hostility. I suppose, to him, because love can't be trusted. It breaks my heart. I wonder how many people with BPD are ever able to recover and be able to love and be loved. He didn't ask for this. I sometimes have no idea what to do to be of support.

[juju2]

Yes, we have no idea.

Being shamed as a child, mistreated, horrible things.

have a rescue cat, got her as a tiny kitten, don't know what happened to her.  She is so skittish, now finally 7 years later, she will sit within arms reach, like one ft. away, when being brushed.

Whatever happened, maybe they don't even know, it is core.

guess for me, if I can pause before I say something.  It's only words and actions!  My pwBPD would get angry at me because i am cheerful in the morning.  He is gruff, doesn't like anything remotely kind or happy for about 2hours when he wakes up... .

I used to want to strangle his parents.  Both abused him, he was an only child.

They passed away 19 years ago, she died of cancer, he killed himself a few months later... .

My bf was NC with them at the time, and so he has a ton of regret over that too.  I can tell.

Take good care,

juju

The path isnt easy.  That much I am sure of.

[BasementDweller]

juju2 -

Our stories are very similar. My partner's father died of cancer in 2012, and his mother is in the early stages of Alzheimers now. She lives quite close to us, and often walks around the neighborhood shops. Because of this, he makes me enter the shops first and confirm she is not here before he will go in. He went NC with her several years ago, but she has shown up at our house unannounced, and also called a few times. He has been cordial, but very disregulated afterwards. She is a sick old lady now, and he is still terrified of her. I believe he also feels guilt that she is not doing well, her husband has dies, and he's not helping, but he fears her, so he stays away. He also went NC with his sister for a total of 3 years as well. Just started talking to her recently, though more like LC now. He trusts nobody, and she is a handful as well.

I really do hope that there is some way we can have a happy future together. All the abuse was decades in the past, and while I know the wounds are still very raw - his abusive upbringing is destroying his chances at love and happiness, leaving a terrible legacy, long after he has escaped the abuse itself. I struggle with that. I feel helpless. He never asked for this, and now can't escape it, it seems. We have made progress with therapy, but the latest episode was unexpected, and severe. I fear each time I'll never get him back, and he'll just disappear into some dark, terrible place and never emerge. I wish I had a better grasp of the tools to rebuild trust in pwBPD... .but I'm still so new to this.

Kudos on adopting that poor kitty! She will be loved for the rest of her life - even if she had a rough start.   Good job!

[Enabler]

Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh... .Yes, that's the same recipe my MIL used (excluding the beatings), similarly FIL said nothing and in fact takes a fair amount of abuse himself. When I asked him why he tolerated his wife's behavior "I know she doesn't mean it". If I had been more informed at the time, my response would have been "Well Mrs Enabler didn't know she didn't mean it and I'm not sure she doesn't now either you pathetic excuse for a man".

The core wound has to be healed.

[StormySkies]

Emotional memory has no time continuum. Therefore when triggered, the pain of an experience 10 years ago can be as real today as it was 10 years ago... .sometimes giving the individual the sense that it did occur yesterday. This can be seen easily in war veterans and those who have experienced traumatic events where their fear when triggered is as physically palpable despite the actual experience being years before.

To your BF those experiences (probably emotionally painful for him) are still as relevant today as they were the day after they occurred.

Time can get squashed, time is not the great healer we think it is.

Sometimes I wonder if this isn't part of the reason that almost all of us hear agree that BPD gets worse not better with age.   All this hurts and imagined slights growing year by year like Marley's chain in a Christmas Carol.  

And for me too -  the really truly awful things he has done or said while deregulated start to feel when considered as a whole unbearable.  

It's hard not to JADE though... .  Recently,  I was at the store and they were clearancing meat that was at its sell date.  My husband enjoys taking our child to Buffalo Wild Wings,  they had chicken wings at .25/pound so I bought some.   Made a sticky mahogany glaze (22 ingredients!)  , plus a special dipping sauce.   Was screamed at that I KNOW he only eats boneless and I MUST have made these for someone else before and got the two of them confused.   This is a frequent accusation, that whenever I get something "wrong" - I must have been thinking of someone I had been with before.     Despite that fact that I lived at home,  in my own apt for a while in my early 20s,  then lived in the barracks in the military  before marrying him over TWENTY years ago.     I got up - tipped the whole thing in the trash and went for a walk.  Hours and hours of work to make what I thought would be a special treat for him... .

[Enabler]

https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Toxic_Parents.html?id=E31QLmBcX14C&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false

This book Toxic Parents was amazing at giving me an insight into how and why parental behaviour is so damaging and has LIFE LONG impacts.

BPD gets different with age in my opinion. A Harvard study found that 80% of suffers lost their acute behaviours such as self harm and public outbursts in around 10yrs from onset. But this has been put down to learning, learning that these things cause shame. But the hurt is still as real as it was when they were 15... .so they find alternative ways to cope... .which could be healthy ways such as running or going to the gym, but then it could be excessive spending, drinking or drug abuse.

[BasementDweller]

The core wound has to be healed.

This seems like the biggest challenge. When a pwBPD comes from an abusive household, they often DO understand that this contributes to their difficulties, but what they don't grasp is the the horrible sabotaging feelings that they are experiencing are ghosts from the past and not the present reality. I don't doubt that some of my conversations with my partner did trigger him to feel low, and criticized... .but I definitely do know that it wasn't my intent or meaning, or even my words. I think the hardest thing we nons struggle with - or one of them - is that when we mean well, and want to show that we care, it can often be misconstrued as a threat or a lie.

My partner told me last night that he doesn't believe I really love him. That it is a sick lie to sabotage and brainwash him, and that I really have a sinister intent to harm him. He claimed he was going to sleep alone in a locked room in the basement, and went down there and started settling. Told me he would lock the door and refuse to let me in. This proved not to be true, and after some gentle but somewhat firm reassurance mixed with boundary setting, he did come to bed, but did not talk to or touch me. That not only hurt like hell, but also made me consider calling emergency services, though I couldn't really be sure for what. It seemed like paranoid delusion, but I don't know if that warrants a call. He did not threaten to harm himself, but the dissociation was terrifying. I'm never sure what I am supposed to do at times like that.

Good points, Stormy and Enabler. From what I know, he had issues his whole life, but it does seem as if some aspects have gotten worse as he has gotten older. His ex wife's betrayal and abandonment of him after ten years of marriage and two kids, did NOT help matters. Not to say he was an ideal partner - but the way she ended things did traumatize him. It's all been piling up over the years. And I'm sure that I haven't helped either, as I didn't even know what I was dealing with in the beginning, and was terrible at reassurance and validation. I feel bad about that now.

[Enabler]

It sounds like he can talk openly about his feelings with you, even if it's just in an accusatory way.

I wonder whether your act of going downstairs to the basement a bit invalidating. Could you kindly and lovingly say, "I'm sorry that you feel that I want to destroy you, that must be terrifying for you, I would never intentionally give you that impression. I will give you your space to feel safe, I'll remain here and feel free to join me later in the evening if you change your mind." Or some better version of that. You going down to the basement to recovery him is loving and caring for sure... .but is it allowing him to see that you are not frightening and scary, does he in hindsight believe you tricked him into coming back into bed?

If nothing else it must be emotionally exhausting

[BasementDweller]

That's a valid point Enabler, and a good choice of words. I might try that in the future if similar happens again. Especially if it seems genuine that he means business. This time was a bit different, though.

We have done this dance before, and normally, about 95 percent of the time, I just leave him be. I didn't go anywhere near him all day yesterday, and left him to be out in his "man cave" until bedtime. I didn't even see him from morning to nighttime. When he came in, I was cordial, and not pressuring in any way. That's not my style. However, he handed me a letter filled with all sorts of fatalistic claims that he was worthless, and a f*ck up, and was going to leave home and go live in the streets, etc... .Then made a dramatic announcement that he was locking himself in the basement, and some other paranoid assertions about me wanting to harm him. This was obviously as much of a cry for help as anything, and I said "alright, I'll leave you to go to the basement, but do you want me to call anyone? Should I call the therapist? If you are genuinely that frightened is there anything you need?"

He replied with, "I won't lock the door. You can come and sit or stand in the doorway and I will talk to you."

So in this case, he really did not want to sleep alone in the basement. I know how to do the "give me some space dance" and when it's genuine. He usually tells me "I'm going to the man cave to work on my wood projects. I need some time alone." He generally doesn't seem all that worked up when it's a real need for space. It's easy to see he's not bluffing.

The sleeping alone in the basement on an uncomfortable small mattress when he really sleeps better in our bed, (his words) coupled with the cries for help... .he wanted to be soothed. If he did not, there is zero doubt in my mind he would have locked the door, and silently went in there with no dramatic announcements and just went to sleep. The fact that he eventually opened up, and then came to bed sort of sealed that. He's stubborn to the core and will not do anything he doesn't want to do. In this case, leaving him in the basement would have validated that he is worthless, and easily discarded. When he wants to be alone, he's pretty rational about it. When he's seeking a lifeline, it's much more dramatic. In the past, not reassuring him when he needs it has made matters worse.

Yes, normally, he can talk about his feelings - not always, and yes, it can often be accusatory. But it's still something. I am about to leave work soon, and I am not sure what I will find when I get home. That's one of the scariest aspects of BPD. It's so unpredictable.

[Enabler]

My word basementdweller you are a kind kind kind person. Your insight into your SO’s behaviours is so very deep. Very commendable.

So I guess the question is, how do you stop him going from A to B to C? How do you encourage him to come straight to you when he needs encouragement (being realistic that sometimes he’s not capable of giving himself the encouragement he needs) rather than hiding in the basement?

Out of interest, was he punished by being put in a cupboard or even in the basement? Somewhere uncomfortable. Is he reinacting his own childhood trauma?

[BasementDweller]

My word basementdweller you are a kind kind kind person. Your insight into your SO’s behaviours is so very deep. Very commendable.

So I guess the question is, how do you stop him going from A to B to C? How do you encourage him to come straight to you when he needs encouragement (being realistic that sometimes he’s not capable of giving himself the encouragement he needs) rather than hiding in the basement?

Out of interest, was he punished by being put in a cupboard or even in the basement? Somewhere uncomfortable. Is he reinacting his own childhood trauma?

Well, thank you, Enabler! I am hit or miss with the insight, haha. Sometimes I get it right, and sometimes I fail miserably. I haven't yet figured out how to stop him from going from A to B to C just yet... .maybe sometimes I instinctively know how to do it, but I miss the boat often as well. Getting him to open up and come to me when he feels vulnerable - before the de-escalation starts - is a bit tough because he has a little bit of that "macho stoicism" about him. Not in an arrogant machismo way, but more like "I can take care of myself." When we first started therapy, the T asked us to tell him about our childhoods, and asked who we went to for comfort when we felt bad as kids. I told him my childhood was pretty idyllic, and I went to whatever parent was available, or my older sister, but mostly, I felt ok, no real traumas, nice home life, kind parents, etc.

When he asked my partner, he described the abusive mother, the avoidant, "non-present" father, and when asked who he went to for comfort, his answer was "Nobody. I had nobody. I went alone to my room and played blocks or Legos until my mother calmed down." (This may explain why the man cave and his wood works - which are really very good - are so important to him when he feels bad.) He also was sent to his room and told not to come out until he could "stop being a bad kid."

Because a small child really can't make sense of that... .he often just didn't come out, until his mother came for him the next morning, or some hours later. So yes, I can totally understand why he hides when he feels vulnerable or dysregulated. The man cave is sort of his escape, but the basement... .I think because his room is OUR room, when he feels REALLY out of sorts with me, (or anything in general) he goes elsewhere - in this case, into the basement extra room. I don't know if his mother confined him to any small, uncomfortable space, but I think what he is mostly seeking is isolation and a place to possibly try to self-regulate, and be out of sight. I usually leave him to it unless he sends out strong feelers that he wants a lifeline.

When I got home tonight he was in the man cave, and a bit "cautious" but ok. He gave me the hard roll for a bit, but later made civil conversation, and even complimented me on my performance at work, and a recommendation I got from my boss. So that was quite ok. We ate dinner together in peace, and now I'm giving him his space while he watches TV. He appears to be winding back around again. Man, I hope for a spell of peace after this. *fingers crossed*

[ClingToHope]

Hello
I can relate to your post 100%
My uBPDh always brings up issues from the past I either thought were resolved long ago or I wasn’t even aware I said something to bother him.
My memory sucks as well so it further infuriates him that “I care so little about him” I can’t even be bothered to remember.  Sigh

I agree with you that it is like they grabbing something to pick a fight.

To me it seems he doesn’t trust a calm and level environment and it eventually makes him agitated and that’s when he ruminates.
So I don’t think your fella is constantly thinking this stuff but when he’s off balance things surface 

And as another poster mentioned there are times it’s other things bothering him and it would take several things being brought up in the same fight till something maybe in the present was mentioned. By then I am twisted inside out going what the heck and being accused of being insensitive.

I don’t know how to validate that. I’m new to this so interested in the responses you get. And the fights I referred to were before I was in the know to the BPD stuff going on.

I’m curious. You mentioned he is diagnosed. Is he being treated. If so is this something you can ask his therapist?

[BasementDweller]

To me it seems he doesn’t trust a calm and level environment and it eventually makes him agitated and that’s when he ruminates.
So I don’t think your fella is constantly thinking this stuff but when he’s off balance things surface 

Hi, ClingToHope - I think this is an accurate assessment to a large degree. It's been over two years since these rather irrelevant exchanges took place. They just came up now. I imagine he was feeling a bit out of sorts about something unidentified (at least to me) and these things just popped back into his head. Like you, I didn't even realize I'd upset him at the time. It's also possible that I didn't. Maybe he got upset later after thinking about the conversation. Hard to say.

I’m curious. You mentioned he is diagnosed. Is he being treated. If so is this something you can ask his therapist?

We are in couples therapy together. It helps, but sometimes it also brings up some negative feelings for him that we need to deal with. Our T is absolutely fantastic - very neutral, calm, not choosing sides or using labels, and my BPDbf trusts him. The discussion of DBT has been broached, and while my partner did not protest vigorously, he didn't really jump at it either. He knows he has BPD, but like many, feels some shame about it, and is glad that our therapy sessions are EFT based, and not about his BPD or his diagnosis. At least it's not talked about that way, though he knows that's a component of the struggles he, and we have. We mostly address management of emotions and the part they play in conflicts and conflict resolution. Our T has mentioned to me that he thinks my bf could benefit from DBT or seeing someone who is well-versed in treating BPD, but since he's not shown any real receptiveness to it, the issue is not pushed. Our T and EFT is all we have right now, and it's a mixed bag. My partner learns a lot from the sessions, and how to apply it, but sometimes there is dysregulation after a session. Because things come up that make him feel bad, and he needs time to come to terms with it. He has talked with our T about his childhood abuse, and our fights. This has been very distressing for him. Later, there is a therapeutic effect, but sometimes it's hard for him, at least immediately after a particularly raw session.

The issue of bringing up distant past events and getting very dysregulated about how he perceived them is a relatively recent thing. I suppose he has always done it, but I never realized that's what was happening. I just had a nagging feeling that I didn't really understand what he upset was about. However, in our last session, he really went off about the two year old event of chatting with the family at the train station, then I realized he was probably worrying about things that I didn't even realize he was worrying about, and getting quite upset about them, sometimes WAY after the fact. I spoke briefly with our T about it after that session, and he agreed that he felt something subconscious was going on that really had nothing to do with the actual discussion at the train station. I think we will delve a little more into it next time.

What I have managed to get from him since that day was that some of our previous conversations, which to me were no big deal, really made him feel as if I was belittling him, or thought he was stupid. It was never that at all... .I might have just had a slightly different perspective, not even really in opposition to his. He read it however he read it, though and it bothered him - in ways I didn't even realize.

[BasementDweller]

"Made a sticky mahogany glaze (22 ingredients!)  , plus a special dipping sauce.   Was screamed at that I KNOW he only eats boneless and I MUST have made these for someone else before and got the two of them confused.   This is a frequent accusation, that whenever I get something "wrong" - I must have been thinking of someone I had been with before.     Despite that fact that I lived at home,  in my own apt for a while in my early 20s,  then lived in the barracks in the military  before marrying him over TWENTY years ago.     I got up - tipped the whole thing in the trash and went for a walk.  Hours and hours of work to make what I thought would be a special treat for him... ."

Stormy, I meant to respond to this, because Wow YES THIS.

I had a nearly identical experience with my BPDbf a few months ago, except it was with sushi. I bought all the ingredients to make several different kinds of home made sushi, and was really doing it properly and was so happy because I don't know Jack Squat about sushi, but it was REALLY coming out nice during the prep time. The rice was FLAWLESS. The ingredients were rather expensive. I had put a lot of effort into this, and we were both excited about it. He wanted to play his video games, and I told him that was fine, because I really was happy to make the sushi myself. I love to cook. We were really enjoying the day, and I was getting ready to start assembling some rolls, when suddenly, out of the blue, he began "freestyling" the lyrics to a beautiful love song, butchering them to sing to me that I was "a horrible hard-assed b*tch who was impossible to love!" All with a huge sh*t-eating grin on his face.

Was it probably his idea of a "joke"? Maybe, who the hell knows, but I let him know with an icy glare (after I picked up my jaw off the ground) that this wasn't so funny. He kept up.

Without a word I threw everything in the trash and also went out for a while. He was yelling after me, "Wait! What! No!" I wasn't having it. I believe he had cottage cheese out of the container for dinner. I don't know because I stayed away from him for the evening.

Later he apologized, profusely, and the next day he went and got all the new ingredients for more sushi and sat quietly at the table with me making sushi rolls and being a perfect gentleman. We had a nice dinner. I did not mention the event again. I have let the event go, and I do not bring it up any more. He apologized and made amends. It's over.

If the situation had been reversed, I think I'd hear about it for the rest of my life! 

I feel your pain in this, and I know I could have diffused it better that day, and not "taken the bait" (and I felt bad after because I wanted that sushi!) but sometimes you just reach the end of your rope. You can't take another sling or arrow out of nowhere, and that's it. You're just done. At least for that day/week whatever.

I have heard some parents of young infants say that despite how much love and protective instinct they feel for their baby, when it starts screaming and cannot be soothed and is kicking and wailing inconsolably, sometimes they began to feel frustration and rage. Of course they do not want to hurt their child so they have to lay the screaming baby in the crib and just walk out of the room for a bit. It's the best, safest, and only thing they can do at the moment. I was at that point on Sushi Saturday. ;-) I just had to say "Eff this crap." and GTFO. I want nothing more than for he and I to successfully have a loving relationship that withstands all this, and I'm definitely in the "bettering" camp... .but I was legit tempted to go full-blown "Burning Bed" on his a$$ that day, haha. So, I took the high road and removed myself from the situation.

Sounds like you understand. 

Here's to our next family meals being a little bit smoother!