Questions For Those That Have Recovered/Have Become Healthy

[Cyssero4]

This is a question mainly for people that believe they've made a full recovery following BPD past relationship. Recovery can include currently being in a healthy relationship with a non,experiencing a healthy relationships post BPDex; or being single with no urge for relapse with BPD people.

I want to know a few things:

1) Did what you found attractive (both physically/emotionally) Drastically change?
(i.e. do you have a type)?

2) How did you treat new people that entered you life romantically?

3) Have you completely stopped treatment, i.e. you have recovered learnt & moved on . Not continuously reading forums/books/receiving counselling over the course of months/years.

4) Did you ever see your BPDex's at any point whilst healthy/recovered? What impact did it have if any? (i.e. indifference, anger, sadness, happiness, peace)

5) Did you come to a realisation that you control you, did you hold your self accountable for your experience?

6) If the matter was related to your upbringing, how did you choose to address this.

7) Are you truly in a better place (i.e. happy or at peace, not ruminating on the past, trauma, etc... )


I write this because I read this forum and see alot of people in pain, I myself am cool most days and down some. I am happy there is a place for people to share their experiences, but I would like to see if there a more positive stories could be shared. Thank you all.

Cyssero4 Out

[icky]

I don't really have an answer to this, but just want to point out that probably many of the people who have fully healed and moved on are "no longer on the forum" and just going about their lives. By definition, this is a place for those who are still struggling. So you're probably getting a skewed impression of the statistics here, because most here are "still struggling"... .?

[Cyssero4]

I don't really have an answer to this, but just want to point out that probably many of the people who have fully healed and moved on are "no longer on the forum" and just going about their lives. By definition, this is a place for those who are still struggling. So you're probably getting a skewed impression of the statistics here, because most here are "still struggling"... .?

Thank you for your response, I actually assumed the same thing, people may have recovered and no longer come here for support. I myself am in a in between place, I have my ups and downs... .like many on here but I sure some people that are in a better place can share where they are.

I have found some past threads

[juju2]

so, what I experienced, meeting pwBPD, the live bombing stage is very powerful.

It wasn't a red flag to me at all.  It was, wow, no one ever loved me like THIS.

If i have feelings for him, we are separated, we meet for coffee once a week, I either ignore those, in which case it grows stronger.  I can accept that i have strong feelings, that way it's open for me to acknowlege. 

He is getting healthy.  I am getting healthy.

There is no formula for me. 

I am learning here that each person is different. BPD isnt a simple catch phrase.  There is a unique person under that label.

I want to put things, emotions, feelings, in to boxes, and have them disappear. 

It's better for me to let everything be present for me, feel the feelings... .acknowlege my truth.

I journal.  Have a trusted friend who I share with.  She shares her experience.
I try to not make myself wrong for what happens. 
It's ok.  I am o.k.

juju

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cyssero4, Yes, I've recovered and am in a better place, though still have scars.  Indeed, I doubt that anyone emerges from a long-term BPD r/s unscathed.  Here are my answers:

1.  No, I'm no longer attracted to those w/BPD  and don't miss the drama.

2.  With respect and kindness.

3.  Yes, I've moved on, but post here to help others cope w/BPD.

4.  Indifference.

5.  Yes, I'm responsible for my own life and Captain of my Ship.

6.  I worked hard to heal old wounds.

7.  Yes, I'm a lot happier.

Does that answer your questions?

LuckyJim

[Whoad]

1) I’m more susp of intent. I still find physicality important and if I see red flags I don’t get involved as in the BPD aspect.


2) The same. A bit more cautious of my putting to much of me out... you want me you better know me... or get to know me...


3) I visit the forums, because I’m injured and healing, and will make mistakes... I need this family to bounce the issues as we may have or be dealing with them.

4) No. Went no contact, I won’t now even contact her family, and if they contact me, it is no about me or her kids or her...

5) No. Interesting...


6) I have abandonment issue... I recognize it, I’m not codependent. I just don’t like the quietness of not being involved, I have to make sure that I’m not depending on others to make me whole. Though I feel empty sometimes.

7) I’m in better place, not happy, and not ruminating on the BPDex... I gave that up in January... I realize over the last year, I lost my job not due to my actions but actions of other hiding their crimes and transgressions, I knew too much. I did all I could do in other BPD relationship and was devalued because I lost my means of supporting myself at that time, and because of smear campaign of NPD employer politician... .I know that I have been moved in a different direction for reasons beyond my comprehension and I accept that.

[Lucky Jim]

we can make the decision not to ruminate any more. When I get a flashback I’m able to shrug it off, or switch the topic. So I think that’s freedom.

Like how you put that, knoxy.  Right, freedom is the ability to choose, which is a gift we receive after leaving a failed BPD r/s.  It's about finding one's path again, I think, after getting lost in the BPD woods.

LJ

[rj47]

This is a question mainly for people that believe they've made a full recovery following BPD past relationship. Recovery can include currently being in a healthy relationship with a non,experiencing a healthy relationships post BPDex; or being single with no urge for relapse with BPD people.

1) Did what you found attractive (both physically/emotionally) Drastically change?

Not really. I shut down relationships with well intentioned women. I wasn't interested and not in a place where I could be in a healthy emotional relationship with anyone for a long time.

I see similarities in the person I'm with now but it passes. Maybe nothing. Very different physically and emotionally. A new  and cherished "normal".


2) How did you treat new people that entered you life romantically?

Maintained a healthy distance not wanting emotional entanglement with anyone. Then, eventually let in an anonymous friend I met in an unlikely place that had endured years of emotional abuse as well. It was easy. She lived a great distance away. By the time we finally met she knew all of the worse things about me. And, it was alright. We became good friends over a long time and then fell in love. A friendship that turned into something else with a passion I was certain would never happen again and more; "Real Intimacy". Was the original basis for our relationship healthy? Don't know, don't really care. Becoming good friends first was a good start.


3) Have you completely stopped treatment, i.e. you have recovered learnt & moved on . Not continuously reading forums/books/receiving counselling over the course of months/years.

I feel like I was damaged, but not broken. For me the detachment was more about grieving and having carried guilt for having failed to make the former relationship work. I started my self-help early before leaving. I was going to lose my mind if I continued to exist in a state of FOG. Spending time here helped greatly. I couldn't help her but I could at least work on myself.

4) Did you ever see your BPDex's at any point whilst healthy/recovered? What impact did it have if any? (i.e. indifference, anger, sadness, happiness, peace)

Yes... .and it brought all the old anxieties back. I was still terrified of her. It was a mistake to engage with her on any level other than the things we had to. So I went limited and controlled contact for a long time. Its better now that she's involved in a relationship.

5) Did you come to a realisation that you control you, did you hold your self accountable for your experience?

Its hard for me to hold her accountable for anything she did knowing the depth of the condition she dealt with and some of the history that pushed her there. I had choices and was always going to be responsible for the consequences. I did her a terrible disservice being an enabler for decades allowing the condition to get worse.


6) If the matter was related to your upbringing, how did you choose to address this.

Not an issue.

7) Are you truly in a better place (i.e. happy or at peace, not ruminating on the past, trauma, etc... )

Good, bad or indifferent, having control of my life, emotions, friendships, decisions and sense of self-worth is life affirming. I was a dead man walking for years. Now I have gratitude. I have grief at times. I want her to be healthy, content with herself and able to exist in a loving relationship. She's working on it but I have no desire to have a part of it other than to gently encourage her from a safe distance.

I visited here a few weeks ago curious about subtle behavior's she's been showing. Instead, reading stories of people in the detaching stage I felt sorrow. For most people time heals. For some longer than others, but it gets better.

[Cyssero4]

Thank you all for contributing your feedback, I knew there were people that made it to the other side. I know for me it is just a matter of time.

Thank you all again for your sharing your experiences they are truly inspirational.

[once removed]

its been over seven years since my breakup. im a fan of the phrase "always a student, always a teacher". i still have a lot of learning to do. i still learn lessons from the relationship that brought me here, too. and if we can help others on that path, we can all learn from each other.

1) Did what you found attractive (both physically/emotionally) Drastically change?
(i.e. do you have a type)?

i would say the emphasis on what i look for has shifted. i dont jump for dramatic relationship dynamics, ie i dont bond over wounds, im not looking to rescue or be rescued. nothing has changed physically. i have always been attracted to confident, secure women, but gravitated more strongly to those old dysfunctional pulls. those pulls still exist, they just dont guide me.

2) How did you treat new people that entered you life romantically?

well, after the relationship that brought me here, i made a couple of pretty questionable decisions. i also over pursued and got hurt. that was when it occurred to me that i was both the problem and the solution. im not currently in a position to date anyone and im upfront about that. i am feeling confident about where i will be when i am in that position.

3) Have you completely stopped treatment, i.e. you have recovered learnt & moved on . Not continuously reading forums/books/receiving counselling over the course of months/years.

i would suggest that continuing to learn or participating here is not a sign that one hasnt recovered. because of what ive learned here, i have better control over my life, i understand others better, and i have better relationships of all kinds. i see no reason to move on from that

4) Did you ever see your BPDex's at any point whilst healthy/recovered? What impact did it have if any? (i.e. indifference, anger, sadness, happiness, peace)

no. it would have no impact if i did today, but at this point we have both moved on.

5) Did you come to a realisation that you control you, did you hold your self accountable for your experience?

yes, but i would say i didnt fully grasp it until later.

6) If the matter was related to your upbringing, how did you choose to address this.

it wasnt a major factor. the people that raise us are our earliest models for what a relationship looks like and i did reexamine my model, for sure, but there werent core childhood wounds that were driving me.

7) Are you truly in a better place (i.e. happy or at peace, not ruminating on the past, trauma, etc... )

truly!

i still have dysfunctional pulls and tendencies, we all do. im more self aware about them, and i have tools for coping. i have tools for dealing with difficult people and situations, the likes of which we all face on a daily basis. im still the same person, although there are significant areas in how i interact with others that i think have changed.