how would your exs react to reading your hurt here

[Cromwell]

ok i need to just post this before I take a break from a bit of the BPD psychic storm im going through at the moment.

I know my ex used to thrive off the attention, seeing my negative emotions seemed even far more preferable to the times I was good to her. in fact I started to realise that she would get jealous of the times I actually felt happy (even if for having no real reason to other than i was always just naturally in a good mood).

I went no contact with her now for 7 months and deprived her of that. many people have likened their exs to a form of emotional vampires. im inclined to go with that analogy.

its likely that she has finally realised (i hope at least) that she never will be part of my life again, and at the same time, doesnt get to witness the pain that she put me through which part of it I release by posting here as im sure others do.

it did cross my mind, what she would actually think if she was to read all this about her. would it even hit some part of her conscience to think "oh god, I never realised I had caused this" or would it be "hahaha, wow, this is great, look at how far i managed to push him!".

it really troubles me, and this is why she is out of my life, i feel that in many ways I have figured a lot out about her, but I cant really face the fact that she has that evil streak where she would be so happy to know that im still spending so much of my life thinking about her and that she has caused this.

how does anyone else feel about if their exs would know what you have said here.

do you expect they would  feel any guilt or remorse?, or just enjoy the attention or just validate everything to make out that we were the crazy ones?

im at the stage where i just wish if was possible to have any trace of her surgically removed from my mind, good, bad all of it. it really does seem to be some never-ending torture.

[Insom]

My ex would enjoy the attention. 

[Insom]

it really troubles me, and this is why she is out of my life, i feel that in many ways I have figured a lot out about her, but I cant really face the fact that she has that evil streak where she would be so happy to know that im still spending so much of my life thinking about her and that she has caused this.

I hear that this is frustrating and can relate very much to how baffling it can feel to still be thinking about someone who isn't part of your life anymore.  Sometimes these relationships can point us to look at other issues.  Could there be a connection between this relationship and anything else unresolved, troubling or frustrating in another relationship, or area of your life?

[ozmatoz]

If mine read the stuff here she would laugh at it, call me a p—sy and tell me I was the one that needed mental help. She would blast it out and tell the world this was proof of how terrible and abusive I was to her. 

[Cromwell]

If mine read the stuff here she would laugh at it, call me a p—sy and tell me I was the one that needed mental help. She would blast it out and tell the world this was proof of how terrible and abusive I was to her. 

i believe the same, except this seems to be more of a conditioned false facade reaction id expect from her. deep inside there is a sense of guilt, shame it just gets very tightly repressed when it surfaces.

in contrast, whenever she felt emotional pain, she knew i was there to console her. she admitted that i was the only person she could cry in front of. and i feel in some ways that i made progress with her and that not all my efforts to help her were in vain. I could have taken that opportunity to ridicule her, she had done plenty to me to deserve it, but I didnt.

shes the type that if she was in a certain state of mind would make a mockery of me, to myself and anyone she could get to listen to, the whole world if possible. then maybe a few hours later think "oh god what have i done again" and go to another emotional extreme and start praying for me.

it really has been a trip with someone into the pit of insanity. thanks for your input, one advantage being with her and what she put me through, i did lose a lot of ego. things really hurt me deeply what she did, but as I got over it, I started to care less. in many ways, a plus point was that she was character building in a very cruel way.

if her reaction would be as you describe, my reply would be, at least i care about myself enough to try to get myself better.

[Cromwell]

I hear that this is frustrating and can relate very much to how baffling it can feel to still be thinking about someone who isn't part of your life anymore.  Sometimes these relationships can point us to look at other issues.  Could there be a connection between this relationship and anything else unresolved, troubling or frustrating in another relationship, or area of your life?

the more i read other peoples experiences it is re-awakening and solving/making sense of what i went through. i have been through so much drama for years that i never had a chance whatsoever to process it, now that things have calmed it feels like a tsunami has hit. and i think "what the hell did I actually go through". ive only told my new relationship the tip of the iceberg, more to protect her as she has led in comparison a very successful but clean life. In her opinion she thinks how exciting it all must have been and wishes her life had been more like that and I should write a book! (more proof to me that despite wanting to, people just cant understand how devastating this has been).

but your post has given me food for thought, im going to break from these boards for awhile and see if I can reflect on it. I put a lot of my life and family on hold as she pretty much engineered, demanded and monopolised my thoughts to her those entire 3 years to the point i never was even free from her whilst unconscious, id see her in my dreams and nightmares, it was like an induced-obsession. and maybe im still just in a stage of readjustment from all of that conditioning / brainwashing.

[toomanydogs]

My STBX used to promote himself as the "King of Mental Illness," so if he were to read what I write here, he'd copy it, post it on his own website, rework a few sentences, and pass it off as his own.
He's nuts. His family's nuts. And every so often as I'm climbing out and away from all this, I go nuts, as well.
Differences if my brand of nuts doesn't hurt other people or other living things. I don't torment animals and small children. I don't break private property.
I am, however, in the middle of filling his car--important to him for sentimental reasons (he should have taken it with him)--with bags and bags of recyclables.
I'm doing so because he and his family didn't pay the trash bill, didn't give me money to pay it, so I now have no trash pick-up. Let him take the recyclables to the dump.
TMD
P.S. If STBX read this particular post, he'd be back to the house in a minute, trying to get his car (not running) out of the garage. Then he'd take all the trash out of it and dump it in the driveway.
So glad he's gone.

[Cromwell]

My STBX used to promote himself as the "King of Mental Illness," so if he were to read what I write here, he'd copy it, post it on his own website, rework a few sentences, and pass it off as his own.
He's nuts. His family's nuts. And every so often as I'm climbing out and away from all this, I go nuts, as well.
Differences if my brand of nuts doesn't hurt other people or other living things. I don't torment animals and small children. I don't break private property.
I am, however, in the middle of filling his car--important to him for sentimental reasons (he should have taken it with him)--with bags and bags of recyclables.
I'm doing so because he and his family didn't pay the trash bill, didn't give me money to pay it, so I now have no trash pick-up. Let him take the recyclables to the dump.
TMD
P.S. If STBX read this particular post, he'd be back to the house in a minute, trying to get his car (not running) out of the garage. Then he'd take all the trash out of it and dump it in the driveway.
So glad he's gone.

Interesting because my ex also had a very very arrogant streak of believing she could "read a person like a book", yet not just that she had very often a complete misunderstanding of the type of person I was (despite showing her all my cards), and was a master at taking what people would say and parroting it back to very convincingly sound like a normal person whenever she needed to.

its part of what made her very dangerous in the later stages that she devalued me in the relationship as she could very convincingly (unknown to me at the time) start to tell people that she was some victim of a crazy person and they would believe it, based on the state that she managed to put me in. then at the same time she would be with me acting a complete different role like nothing was happening. she must have been laughing her ass off at being able to create such multiple streams of manipulation chaos all centered around her, simultaneously.

good to hear you are on the road to progress. 

[lighthouse9]

I think mine would have a hard time right now remembering accurately what were conversations we had and what were things she read on here. If she's reading now, she probably feels connected in a way and in her head it's similar to us actually talking. We'd often have conversations where I wasn't sure what she was talking about, and she'd realize that it was about things she had had a conversation with me in her head about. I imagine reading stuff here would make her emotionally dysregulate even more and negate any progress she might be making for herself. I don't wish that for her.

Now, my ex before her? She'd be having a field day with this site and would love nothing more than to read anything I might have written about her. She'd probably write a research paper about BPD and cite my threads so that my words would be published somewhere. Then she'd make her own username and try to befriend me on here and commiserate and offer support, send PMs, generally just try to find a twisted way to get back into my life.

[Kaboodle]

My uBPDxbf would respond with denial, blaming, gaslighting, rage - the same bag of tricks that he used in our relationship to always deflect responsibility onto me, and make himself out to be the injured party. Among his go-to defenses were:

"I'm not angry. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at the situation!"
"You're provoking me, you're always trying to control me!"
"You're lying, you're just saying that to hurt me!"
"You make me feel [insert negative emotion here]."

I imagine his response to my cease and desist letter was, "How could she do this to me, when all I ever did was love her?"

[jo19854]

Yesterday i had a nice phonecall with my stepdaughter in USA, she told me her mother never ever has spoken about me, our life in Holland, our 11 year relationship and marriage, the reason why she left me (out of the blue she took a plane to USA when i was at work), just NOTHING. As if i never ever existed.

When her Dutch citizenship papers, my wedding ring and her pensionplan were handed over by a 3th party and she was told about my struggle she replied "he is a dramaqueen" . So i guess that would be her response.

[Cromwell]

I think mine would have a hard time right now remembering accurately what were conversations we had and what were things she read on here. If she's reading now, she probably feels connected in a way and in her head it's similar to us actually talking. We'd often have conversations where I wasn't sure what she was talking about, and she'd realize that it was about things she had had a conversation with me in her head about. I imagine reading stuff here would make her emotionally dysregulate even more and negate any progress she might be making for herself. I don't wish that for her.

very interesting and this happened to me at times i had to wonder if i was hearing voices or not. i think these times is where my ex wasnt really there but temporary in psychosis.  

Now, my ex before her? She'd be having a field day with this site and would love nothing more than to read anything I might have written about her. She'd probably write a research paper about BPD and cite my threads so that my words would be published somewhere. Then she'd make her own username and try to befriend me on here and commiserate and offer support, send PMs, generally just try to find a twisted way to get back into my life.

i had the same with her poor attempt at fake facebook profiles becoming her propaganda outlet. it is disturbing and very sad at the same time when i look back as to how much effort she made in playing nasty mind games. it could be in response to something as innocuous at deciding not to give her a lift somewhere and it would cause her to dysregulate for the entire week.

[Cromwell]

My uBPDxbf would respond with denial, blaming, gaslighting, rage - the same bag of tricks that he used in our relationship to always deflect responsibility onto me, and make himself out to be the injured party. Among his go-to defenses were:

"I'm not angry. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at the situation!"
"You're provoking me, you're always trying to control me!"
"You're lying, you're just saying that to hurt me!"
"You make me feel [insert negative emotion here]."

I imagine his response to my cease and desist letter was, "How could she do this to me, when all I ever did was love her?"

yes I got the same, a persecution complex of being perpetually the victim for everything and despite my best attempts at role-play of being her door mat, the paranoia that I was controlling her never went away. but there is a no-win situation, if I would try to take control of her unacceptable behaviour then it would just validate her. Not so much defenses id say as these all sound like projections.

[Cromwell]

Yesterday i had a nice phonecall with my stepdaughter in USA, she told me her mother never ever has spoken about me, our life in Holland, our 11 year relationship and marriage, the reason why she left me (out of the blue she took a plane to USA when i was at work), just NOTHING. As if i never ever existed.

When her Dutch citizenship papers, my wedding ring and her pensionplan were handed over by a 3th party and she was told about my struggle she replied "he is a dramaqueen" . So i guess that would be her response.

there is a saying that history is written by the victors.

some of the most upsetting things i experienced with her is when I recalled things she had said to me that were signficant and she would say in a mocking sort of tone "i dont even remember!".

im sure if she ever feels the need to talk about me, history will have been completely rewritten to suit her own comforting narrative.

[JNChell]

I believe mine would ridicule me, if she revealed to me that she had read it. She’s also very covert and might decide to keep it to herself and attempt to use it for her advantage. If she did in fact fess up to reading this stuff, it’s likely that I would get texts like “lmfao” or her telling me how “f’d in the head” I am. She has a very pointed and cruel narcissistic side to her.

[Cromwell]

I believe mine would ridicule me, if she revealed to me that she had read it. She’s also very covert and might decide to keep it to herself and attempt to use it for her advantage. If she did in fact fess up to reading this stuff, it’s likely that I would get texts like “lmfao” or her telling me how “f’d in the head” I am. She has a very pointed and cruel narcissistic side to her.

ive never seen in my life and hope never again what was humanly possible, the vile uninhibited rage came out of her when she was triggered by a lightbulb that i hadnt replaced that reminded her of something to do with her ex.

thankfully there was someone with me, we were both frozen as if we were watching the emergence of satan onto this planet into the human form.

it must have lasted all of 20seconds but felt afterwards like we had both witnessed some sort of exorcism play out in front of us.

she has stalked my house a few times, i intentionally dont have a lightbulb in the main room its clear for anyone who looks through

 its going to be a long time before i ever get over that ptsd moment.

should have just tazed her instead, far too soft hearted.  

have a good day JNChell.

[Kaboodle]

yes I got the same, a persecution complex of being perpetually the victim for everything and despite my best attempts at role-play of being her door mat, the paranoia that I was controlling her never went away. but there is a no-win situation... .

I think it's their fear of engulfment (flip side to their fear of abandonment) that makes them resist anybody who tries to set healthy boundaries. Like a tired toddler who tantrums at his mother, "You can't tell me what to do! I hate you!"

When I would tell my uBPDxbf to stop verbally abusing me, he would yell, "I'm not verbally abusing you. I'm just being honest. I feel like I have to censor myself around you. I shouldn't have to censor myself. You're verbally abusing me!"

Classic projection.

[truthbeknown]

with mine it's hard to say.  It depends on the day.  She has two persons living inside of her that is what makes/made it hard for me at the end.  She would one day tell me that she was self absorbed, and that she thinks she is crazy.  One time after our first break up i saw her with her parents and she looked at me with lust in her eyes and said, "OMD i think i'm crazy. How are you my dear."   In those moments i thought she had some self awareness but then when i got close to her again (recycle) she would flip the switch.  The self analysis was endearing and maybe that was part of the "game" IDK but i remember her talking about people that she would fight with and one was a dayschool teacher.  She said, "her name and i talked and hugged and we parted on okay terms.  we just couldn't be in the same room together because we drove each other crazy."  but then if she talked about her from her other personality she would say "that (her name) didn't like anything i did.  She was so controlling and my name, I don't know how a person is supposed to handle that?" 

So in my other post that I started about ex contacting me I described how I finally did tell her why I need her to not contact me so that i can move on.  In her one part of her personality she will feel sympathy for me.  Her son said once, "mom you have sympathy for people but 0 empathy"  he was so right.  So i think she will have sympathy for me and in fact could have wished me happy holidays because she felt pity for me suffering over seeing her with the new bf.   But she cannot understand why i would be upset that she making love to me one day and then the next talking about being with other guys.  Although in my last conversation she did say "i'm not well".  So anyway, maybe mine is different. Maybe she has split personality? bi-polar ? or a combo of BPD and bi-polar? 

anyway i miss that crazy woman but i only miss the one part of her personality.

Has anyone seen the movie "The Prestige" with Hugh Jackman?   the wife goes crazy and commits suicide because she is basically in a relationship with twins and they deceive her.  The one twin loves her and is nice to her; the other doesn't and is uterly mean and abusive to her.  It makes her go mad. 
That is exactly what it feels like with my ex.  So if the good twin saw my comments she would hug me and hold me and tell me it was going to be okay.  If the bad/evil twin saw them she would shame me and disgrace me to all that would listen.  It's maddening.

[Jeffree]

She would sarcastically say, "Awwww. Boo-hoo-hoo poor Jeffree tried all he could to make his marriage work only to find his wife was too crazy. Poor baby."  Then keep on with the cruel sarcastic comments.


J

[Pencil sketch]

I echo Cromwell's sentiments.
As far as I know, I was the only one, she showed her 'vulnerable' side to, some of it was hard to hear, and I remember several occasions, when she cried in my arms, as touching as it was, and I felt very privalidged, that she opened up to me, I always paid the next day, with verbal abuse, and the silent treatment.
On the other hand, on the few occasions I opened up, I felt it was a bit of an inconvenience, and her responses were a little, forced, she seemed uncomfortable, but at the same time, puzzled.
If she read my posts on here, she would probably point out my spelling mistakes, and avoid completely the content.