Pointing out problems

[foggydew]

It's a long time since I posted, because things have been going very well on the whole. BPD friend and I have a good relationship, almost like a partnership, and see a lot of each other. Last year he had rehab therapy, and though he didn't really stop drinking, he reduced it a lot. He had a girlfriend for a while, but she backed out of the relationship; he got a good job which didn't bore him silly all the time, and things have been looking up. But the drinking is now increasing. I remind him of it, in a non judgemental way, and he tells me he is aware of it. OK.
 But now he has started making mistakes. Alcohol decreases his ability to control his impulsiveness. When impulsive, he does silly things unintentionally, oh and the whole blessed BPD thing comes out and I'm the most stupid person on earth. I can deal with that now and do. What I am really wondering how to do is point out that he is making mistakes, and that the alcohol is the cause of this. He has a fair bit of responsibility in his job and I am really concerned that he will begin to have problems there - safety wise. Normally I do not see someone's alcoholism as my responsibility or problem, but I do feel some responsibility for this childlike person. I don't want to be confrontational, because then he becomes defensive. I've been the one on the recieving end of his mistakes up to now, and, although expensive, they don't bother me that much. He damaged my car in a parking incident recently, and as I didn't criticise him for it, he criticised himself and told me he was annoyed with himself. This seems to be a good starting point.
 Writing about it here helps me sort my thoughts, as neither friends nor family want to know anything about the difficulties. Has anyone here any suggestions on how to continue?

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[Mutt]

Hi foggydew,

I remember you, I'm glad to see a familiar face.

He has a fair bit of responsibility in his job and I am really concerned that he will begin to have problems there - safety wise.

That's a tricky one, I'm not a drug and alcohol counselor or doctor, I'm just drawing from personal experiences but I thought that stress in real life could be a reason why people cope with drugs and alcohol, does he have a lot stress at his work lately? I'd suggest to bring it up indirectly while you're doing something else with him so that there less of chance of pushing him away. What is he doing impulsively?

[isilme]

Question - does he maybe self-sabotage when things are going "too well"?

Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, a disordered person can't believe things are going well or can continue, they will do the very things to cause them to go awry.  My husband is not quite this bad, but my bipolar+BPD mother sure is.

She'd go in cycles of "the world is great, I have a good job, nice apartment, etc." to "my boss hates me has been lying about me to get me evicted, I don't know why you're getting calls from debt collectors in my name or how that jewelry ended up in my purse and I got arrested."

One cycle I figured was "normal".  When it started being a constant thing over a period of 12-18 months, I realized she was toxic and wanted a crisis for me to "fix".  She wanted me to rescue her, and if there was no crisis, there was nothing to rescue.  So, she'd make sure there was a crisis. 

And I don't think it was 100% conscious.  I am pretty sure part of her knew what she hoped would happen, but she insulated herself from the truth, and essentially gaslighted herself to where she saw no blame for her choices or actions and made herself the victim so I'd be mean for not saving her.

I can't say for sure, but could this be maybe part of the falling into drinking again?  Also, can you talk maybe to Alanon as a friend of an alcoholic for advice on what's best for you to do?

[foggydew]

Thanks, Mutt, I remember you too! I can't tell about stress in the job - he certainly doesn't have that at the moment as he is off sick. But you are right, coping with the demands of the job could be triggering for him, as he has difficulty going out and meeting people at all. I think he can't cope without some alcohol - he can't really cope even with me until a drink has relaxed him. Then he will talk normaly. Before that he often just barks at me. But he manages the whole day at work without drinking.
What he is doing impulsively? Not checking measurements, not thinking through situations with starting a car (recharge the battery by taking it out or use jump leads to start it), mistakes in judging distances and time and dates, using brute force and breaking things... .just not thinking... .and he is in a responsible technical job.
I liked your idea of bringing it up indirectly, so I broached the subject tonight as he began talking about the draconian measures for driving under the influence of drink in the UK (he thinks they are good). He agreed that the damage to my car was because of alcohol and said he would be careful with work. Oh well. I tried. But he was pleasant. And apologised for my car.

Isilme, nice to see you again too. Your mum sounds a really difficult person, a bit like my own mum was. There may well be this idea of a self fulfilling prophecy because things are going too well for him too... .it is certainly no way conscious though. I also get the impression he is trying to convince himself that things are going well for him - he does worry, though.
My mum had a long phase of alcoholism, my first husband became one in later life, and my second husband was already an alcoholic when I met him, so I have been the rounds of all the advice centres. That is why I generally don't accept responsibility for it. It is THEIR problem, THEIR decision. But this time it is a bit different.
 Getting round the BPD bit is where I need support, because my family won't discuss him with me.
How did/do you deal with your mum?