Exgf and her push / pull

[Mutt]

My exgf broke up with me since May 6, I say it that way because i don’t feel like it’s the final breakup. She wanted to remain friends and I agreed because I didn’t want the break up. Also I didn’t want to complete cut her out I went minimal contact with my exuBPDw and detaching wasn’t easy this time around we didn’t leave on really bad terms at all and I want to sooth my anxiety by having some contact.

I was at her house last night, I just wanted to add that we had agreed on being fwb last we just talked. She called in the evening and she asked if I wanted the come over and I thought we were having a nice to talk why not continue at her house?

The point of this post is that she gave me her house keys after I gave them to her three weeks ago it’s just easier for me to get into the building than have her wait for me etc there’s no buzzer she doesn’t have a landline.

She hasn’t been affectionate towards me for weeks unless we’re having sex then she’s more affectionate. She’s been pushing and pulling this past week she has said that she really misses me and loves me then when we’re together she pushes. I think that I figure it out she doesn’t what she wants I think that there’s a part of her that does miss me and wants to get back together and the other part is pushing through with the decision that she wants to break up.

She said something weird she said that I should go for my hairdresser because she’s got i said what if she rejects me where am I going to get my haircut now? I feel like she wants me to move on so that it eases her consciousness and she can say that I’m in a r/ s with someone else so that it makes it easier for her. She’s displayed this patter before she said that she has too much on her plate and that it was up to me if I wanted to continue or not she’s really smart she didn’t want to break up with me directly she left me with no choice so the pattern was there we broke up it’s my choice with who I want to see and if I want to see someone.

I’ve been thinking about my boundaries and there’s a part of me that’s telling me that I should change them and remain friends but not too friendly or be fwb‘ so think it might be time to make up my mind and push forward myself and move on.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Mutt,

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. It is indeed hard to make a decision to be with someone, to keep trying, or to let go. I often think of the ways my life would be easier without my SO, on the other hand, there are some nice things about being with him, and he's making some new efforts to improve things. The hard part is my mind still make sense of all that has happened between us. I wonder if it would be better to just leave him and put it all behind me, or do I give it another big push?

Being friends can be a good transition stage out of a relationship, especially if the person has been a best friend/partner.

It seems like you are leaning in that direction, towards a breakup, so if you had to list out the reasons you have for letting this go what would they be?

take care, pearl.

[Harley Quinn]

I think removing the B from FWB can be a telling thing and may actually give her opportunity to assess things.  As it will for yourself.  The danger with FWB after a romantic r/s is that one partner remains hooked and really wants more, whilst the other is happy with the arrangement in an ongoing way or starting to look elsewhere.  It's a big risk to take with both of your feelings.

If the friendship is important to you and you feel like focusing on that, then this sounds like a healthy move.  It's good that you're thinking about your own boundaries.  It can be so easy to spend all of our time thinking about the other person and trying to second guess where they are at in all of this, rather than really thinking about where we are at.  I'm an expert at focusing on the other individual rather than myself... .  How would you feel if she began dating someone else?  Do you think you'd be OK maintaining a friendship with her under those circumstances?

Love and light x 

[Mutt]

Being friends can be a good transition stage out of a relationship, especially if the person has been a best friend/partner.

Good point pearlsw. We spent so much time together I think that we helped keep each other company. If I were in her shoes and the routine that she has with getting up, going to work, go to sleep survive another crisis I would of found it very difficult being alone.

It seems like you are leaning in that direction, towards a breakup, so if you had to list out the reasons you have for letting this go what would they be?

I’d like to think that in real life I have a thick skin here on the forum I pour my heart out. Her self centeredness is what really stung me. She’s not all bad she will do things for you she will listen if you need to talk and give advice. Lastly I have a hard time with mixed messages I think a lot of people would Im a logical thinker and thinks have to make sense maybe that’s too black and white I really don’t like this.

It's good that you're thinking about your own boundaries. 

I feel like my old self is still a part of me the guy with really low self esteem. It just feels like I’m allowing myself to go into unhealthy territory I did a lot of work these last fine years. Don’t get me wrong she has more positives than negatives I do t feel like she’s toxic I do feel like things are not balanced the new needs to stand up for what I need.

I said it before I feel like she gave me a spit shine I was 97% there and she helped me some of the finer details with appearance and style. She helped me with r/s’s too in no way was this anywhere’s close to my r/s with my exuBPDw and I’m a different person too but again the self centeredness is the elephant in the room.

How would you feel if she began dating someone else?  Do you think you'd be OK maintaining a friendship with her under those circumstances?

I think that she’s going to produce the exact same thing with the next person I’m not worried in that regards as I don’t think that some guys would put up with what I put with but if she were and it will happen someday I’d have a hard time my feelings would get in the way I would feel jealous.

I’d have to fade out of her life until such a day would come where it wouldn’t bother me as much but I’d have to detach to get to that point.

[braveSun]

I’d like to think that in real life I have a thick skin here on the forum I pour my heart out. Her self centeredness is what really stung me. She’s not all bad she will do things for you she will listen if you need to talk and give advice. Lastly I have a hard time with mixed messages I think a lot of people would Im a logical thinker and thinks have to make sense maybe that’s too black and white I really don’t like this.

I feel like my old self is still a part of me the guy with really low self esteem. It just feels like I’m allowing myself to go into unhealthy territory I did a lot of work these last fine years. Don’t get me wrong she has more positives than negatives I do t feel like she’s toxic I do feel like things are not balanced the new needs to stand up for what I need.

I think you are putting your finger on very good points there Mutt.

The old guy with low self-esteem is rearing his head back out, and you can identify a few of your reasons for letting the relationship go. Also some of the things you like about her, how she was better than your exwBPD.

That's encouraging.

Now what is left is how you will take your everyday life further, now that you can evaluate more clearly what this relationship has been for you, and where it has hit you in a painful way.

Your end of the dance, so to speak. The things you need to reinforce, or where your weak spots may have been.

Self centeredness, mixed messages, unhealthy territories, all important signals.

None of this is easy.

How is your self care lately? (I mean, outside of looking into dating other women. 

[Mutt]

I should probably do more self care I’ve been sleeping better than last week, eating is better because I’m getting to my braces and I got to the gym 6 days a week when I have the kids I do body weight exercices 6 days a week.

She asked me to come over tonight she didn’t talk to me much yesterday and sane with today I understand that she works but she used to call on all of my breaks. It’s the first time that I turned her down I tried to be affectionate with her and she doesn’t reciprocate sometimes she’s into the sex and sometime not. Anyways I just said maybe some other night. My plan is to keep pulling away for now.

[braveSun]

Sounds like you are very mindful. It's good.
Any ideas on things you can do to get out of the routine a bit, like going out with friends, or taking a small trip to nature, or getting into a hobby you really like?

I mean something nourishing for you, that would not depend on her, but that would bring you a sense of pleasure, meaning or peacefulness for just you.

How are the kids doing with all of that?

[Mutt]

You have a good point - break up the routine. This new girl I’m talking too could potentially be a friend it seems like it’s going good so far. I think spend time with family especially my sister I’m close to her. I have a bike and I haven’t one biking in trails for a long time i think that I’d like to take the bike out. I play video games but I’m very bursts.m, I like watching movies but I don’t do a lot of either I like to be active. I also like art, drawing, painting.

The kids are ok my oldest is giving me a hard time she cane out as transgender she’s going to a transgender P soon I’ve had a chance to bond with her the other two boys are good I’ve been trying to pay more attention to them.

[braveSun]

Wow Mutt! Sorry I didn't realize this. Transgender is not for the faint of heart... It's great that you could connect with her. Having a P will help. I saw a good movie with a transgender character. Called XXX. Did you see it?

Being active is cool. And if you can keep up with the kids the better.
Good if you can hang out with your sister. And a new friend, man, you're on the ball!...    

Getting a feel for life going on is good for the soul...  

[braveSun]

Sorry I had a typo. The movie title I was mentioning was XXY.
Strong characters. Good family values. Worth a sitting.

 

[Mutt]

Being active is cool. And if you can keep up with the kids the better.

I was racing them the other day when we went to the park and had a lazy afternoon   It's fun to be able to keep up

The movie title I was mentioning was XXY.

I'll check that out thanks. The school social worker also suggested that I read headlines on transgender I also have a pride book that I have yet to read. It's tough seeing your D12 seem like she's happy and then became very depressed / anxious in a matter of months. I don't recognise who she is anymore

I'm not sure if I totally buy it she may be doing it for attention she still has a lot of feminine qualities, she seems to go from one trend to the next quickly she's at that age, it's possible that this will fade quickly. If she's not she's really pushing boundaries, I don't know how she would top this if she wanted to push the envelope that much further.

We always enjoy each others company when we spend time together. I worry about her she's getting a tough time in school because she wasn't prepared for how others would react I think that she had some magical thinking going on - I don't rescue I told her it's for her to came out for herself it's not for me to do it for her.

[braveSun]

Hey Mutt!...

That alone is really big. I'd think you could watch that movie, than connect with your D12 and possibly re-watch it together if she didn't yet. It's from a good family perspective. But it's not for the faint of heart.

Watch it alone first.
I'd think for yourself also to check into a parent support group in your city would be a good thing. Maybe check it out with the school counselor or her gender T?

There may be hormonal fluctuations involved. Medication needed. Tough choices to make. It's not necessarily what we think first. I wouldn't go the 'it's all in your head' road. Keep the communication open.

She'll definitely need rock solid good people on her side.